I am posting on behalf of someone else… a perspective on the situation needed ABCD girl married her cousin from Pakistan… arranged marriage.. guy was educated , came to united states and has been working on stable jobs ever since…earns good money… husband’s family is in Pakistan, he dosent have to send money to them… and the girls parents live close to where the couple lives… they have now been married for 10+ yrs and have 2 kids… there have been problems in their marriage from the start… the wife is in the habit of sharing everything about their married life with her mother and acts blindly on her advice… and this often results in blowing up into big issues. husband doesn’t want the wife to do this… the issues have mainly been petty like the how the wife and her mother were unhappy about the room decorations on the night of marriage, the suits and other gifts that husband’s family sends from Pakistan… wife and her mother make it a point to be unsatisfied and critical about it , .. calling the husband’s mother and sis in Pakistan to complain about things like the colour of suits, stitching etc and how the suits were not upto their high standards..wife is also unhappy with what the husband earns, even though he works hard but the current job situation hasn’t been good…result: 10 years down the line husband says they r only together cos of the children and and has openly said that he has become very distant from the wife due to constant nagging, complaining… what happened now… the guy was upset and depressed about something the wife and her mother did, nothing new, but he had just returned from a week long work trip to find the wife moaning and complaining about his family, mainly bringing up things from the past.. the husband due to lack of someone to talk and share his frustrations… had a online chat with his elder sis from Pakistan…stating he left lonely and depressed and how he has given up thinking the wife will ever get some sense knocked into her head, the sis.. to console him said that life in this world does not matter… its the akhrat… the MIL also treated her husband the same way, who was a pious and reasonable man, all his life and the daughter has picked on the same habits… u should concentrate on akhirat and being a good person because that’s what matters in the end… later the wife snooped on the husband"s phone , found out about the conversation , hit the roof and has been saying that both the husband and his sister apologize to her mother… both mom and daughter are giving the husband a very tough time about it, husband apologized but says it was a private conversation and the wife shoudnt have been snooping around with his phone… what would be the right way forward??? sorry couldn’t make paragraphs…the sister is ready to apologise for his brother’s sake but apparently the wife and mother have decided to grill the husband about it and not accept any apologies
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It's called a backbone..he needs one. It was a private conversation. If he truly believes he has a reason to be upset, he should not apologize and make that clear to his wife. I am surprised the wife is not more concerned with the fact that her husband is depressed and lonely instead of what he said about her mother.
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Divorce the woman. Women like this don't deserve to married.
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*Na'shukri *wife.... a curse in this life!
apparently the wife and mother have decided to grill the husband about it and not accept any apologies
I think the husband should stand firm and act like a man, there has to be some limit for this non-sense. He should absolutely not listen to what his MIL says. As she has no right to make complains to him for anything. Both mother and daughter seem ultra materialistic and drama queens. If I was in such situation, I would proceed to end the marriage. Its already difficult to be living with such kind of a woman, and he is dealing with 2 at the same time, he need to do himself a favor.
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threaten the wife that he is taking on another wife
threaten the MIL that he is sending her nagging daughter back to her so she may happily deal with all her nagging and complaining attitude now.
this should knock some sense into both the ladies.
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I doubt! Husband bhi kuch zayada hi innocent lag raha hai. Pakistani , immigrated to Ameera & soooo bechara. Taali dono hatho sey bajti hai, Lets wait till the wife writes on GS. Waiting to hear her part of zaloom & dukhi story.
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*threaten the wife that he is taking on another wife * threaten the MIL that he is sending her nagging daughter back to her so she may happily deal with all her nagging and complaining attitude now.
this should knock some sense into both the ladies.
Most wives would see red after hearing that imo
That would probably make the situation 100x WORSE rather than better
**
'complaining about his family, mainly bringing up things from the past'**
So there's more to the situation?
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** 'complaining about his family, mainly bringing up things from the past'**
So there's more to the situation?
Not necessarily. We have a few of such subjects in our family. And there really is no other side of the story. Everything that OP has described applies to them aswell, literally everything.The only thing I would blame the husbands of is that they didnt divorce such ladies when there was still time.
As for OP, as long as her mother keeps filling her ears there is nothing you can do. She wont change.
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he must show her the door and may be gently escort her to the door and kick her out!
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He needs to grow a backbone. My ex-mil did that to me during the whole marriage. Her and her son bringing up stupid crap that shouldn't matter instead of focusing in on the real issues of life. He should send his wife back to Pakistan.
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A lot of girls like to complain about their in-laws, especially when it comes to the smaller petty things such as, clothes. Its quite stupid in the grand scheme of things but its what a lot of people do .
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husband doesn't consider divorce as an option because of the kids.... he might lose the kids if they get divorced @deeba1234 . bringing up things from the past means the things that the wife and her mother found objectionable years ago and are not ready to let go of them years later like how husband's mother didn't congratulate the DIL enough on her pregnancy.......how the husband' sister didn't pick up their newborn in the hospital.... how the husband isn't respectful enough to her mother....... etc etc.......
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^ You wrote they've been married 10+ years. How old are the kids? If this is in the U.S., divorce laws vary but custody is generally based on the children's best interest. Before the dad makes a final decision based on a fear and assumption (of losing the kids).....he should consult a good divorce lawyer to discuss his specific situation, and educate himself in the divorce laws of his state and how the judges treat custody in his specific area.
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And how does the wife's dad respond? Or is he too henpecked to do anything?
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"Life is short, have an affair" ... that's what AshleyMadison would have said ... :D
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disgusting...people never change,and a woman like that will make you regret that you spent even a year with her at the end of your life.
he really needs a backbone,he needs guts.he should tell her that he will not apologize,rathe she do it for snooping around.
she is too comfortable thinking she has the man under her feet,he really needs to show her that she can slip.HE NEEDS TO TELL HER THAT HE WILL DIVORCE HER IF SHE DOESNT IMPROVE HERSELF but not as a threat,but really,she wont ever change because she is just too much set in her ways,children do need both parents,but at the end of the day they do okay.the guy needs to get rid of his wife,you cannot sacrifice your life for anyone.kids can learn,you can teach them that its okay.
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The reality is that you are only hearing one side of the story. Like someone said, it takes two to tango. I don't believe that the guy is so bechaara mazloom perfect. I'm sure if you took the time and heard what the wife had to say, it would be a different story and the truth would likely be somewhere in the middle.
With all that said, sometimes, divorce IS the answer. Kids or no kids, sometimes everything is better AFTER a divorce. You think them being together is healthy for the kids? Sometimes a household like that is toxic for the kids. I've known enough people who have much happier and healthier kids AFTER a divorce and even have a more amicable relationship together. Some people are just NOT meant to be together.
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That lady needs to grow up ..... husband should have a talk with her & just sort things out ...... if their being together is not healthy for kids then their getting a divorce is not healthy for kids either ..... as OP said husband is continuing this marriage because of kids then why don't both of them just talk to each other & work things straight for the sake of kids ..... they did not come to this world on their own & it was not their decision to jump in this world .... they will suffer in both cases ..... divorce or no divorce ....
he is complaining about her nagging & what not after 10 years of marriage & having 2 kids together, & he was having troubles in his marriage from the very start as OP mentioned, why did not he just do anything before having kids? Did not they just know that giving birth to kids in such an environment is not good for them?
the point is both are fine together .... problems in their marriage is not because of them but because of others ......
I dont think there will be any problem if his wife just stop going to her mothers ... he should stop her from visiting her mothers place or tell her to visit less & stop sharing details like a small kid .....
how about they just move to some other state away from her "mother" ?
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@Tempe5t; the girl's father isn't alive now but he always took the son in law's side and told her wife to leave the daughter alone but the mother never listened.......the wife's father went through pretty much the same as the son in law..... @ aahmed: yes, its one side of the story but in any story, running to your mother telling her all the details is bound to cause problems in lots of successful marriages of people I closely know the wives made a conscious effort to keep a good image of their husbands in front of their parents @bbcd: the husband has been wanting to move to another place but it hasn't been possible for a number of reasons, job situation etc and the wife dosent want to move away from her mother either..
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Counseling would be a better idea than divorce at this stage. It's still salvageable if both grow up and take control of the relation, and stop running to respective family members.