Advice Needed

Lifestyle Relationships
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Advice/input needed please:

A (female) and B (male) are cousins- the best of friends for years who share everything. A develops feelings for B but he informs her that she is his cousin and THAT’S IT. A is, needless to say, crushed but moves on with her life and starts dating Y. It is at this point that B says he made a mistake and feels strongly for A. A tells him he is too late. After a series of events, B begins sending A countless text messages and, when she doesn’t respond to him, becomes malicious. This malicious behavior involves him (among other things) calling her a s*ut (excuse my language please) and telling her she will burn in hell etc etc. A tells him never to contact her again- she is hurt and feels betrayed by his behavior towards her.

Fast forward a few months and B attempts to become friends with her again but A continues to ignore him- literally ignore him as in he will talk to her and she walks away. Then one day A is on the phone with another cousin and B grabs the phone of the cousin in an attempt to talk to A. A hangs up the phone.

Now, this situaiton among A and B has come to the attention of other family members who are all telling A the following:

  1. That she should stop holding a grudge
  2. That B is truly sorry and has been putting in a lot of effort to become friends with her again
  3. That B is impulsive and didn’t mean it
  4. That she needs to get over it.

A now feels like SHE is the one being victimized and does not know what to do. Should she let bygones be bygones and attempt to be civil to B OR should she continue ignoring him? This is also important because it is a mutual cousin’s shaadi next weekend in which both A and B will be present and A does not know how she should behave towards B. She is extremely upset about how B treated her, however, is she (as other family members keep saying) wrong to hold a grudge for so long?

Thanks in advance for the advice everyone.

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[quote=" A tells him he is too late. After a series of events, B begins sending A countless text messages and, when she doesn’t respond to him, becomes malicious. This malicious behavior involves him (among other things) calling her a s*ut (excuse my language please) and telling her she will burn in hell etc etc. A tells him never to contact her again- she is hurt and feels betrayed by his behavior towards her.

.[/QUOTE"]

^That’s not love. The foundation of love is respect, and if he can’t manage that, then he doesn’t love her. This seems more like his bruised ego talking.

No need to get so worked up over how to behave at the wedding. The wedding does not center around him and there will be OTHER people that she can chat with. She can politely greet him…and then hang out with her other cousins. She can respond to his questions but doesn’t have to go out of her way to make conversation with him.

It seems to me that the family members don’t have a full idea of what happened. I think she needs to talk to him again and firmly set some boundaries. For example, she should let him know that respect is the foundation of all relationships…and without it…you can’t even have a friendship let alone love. Tell him that it’s not right to pressure or harass someone into feeling a certain way about you. She should remind him that SHE didn’t verbally abuse him when he rejected her…that she respectfully accepted his rejection and didn’t impose…and that she deserves the same courtesy. Tell him that she’d like to maintain a civil relationship with him…and that if he continues to verbally abuse/harass her…she’ll get the parents involved.

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Starplus???

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So he called her sl*t.

For sure, that is the worst thing someone would say to a woman/girl. It can be considered ‘bohtaan’ and unless there is real proof for that, that is plain and simple SIN.

Rest of your post seems she does hold a grudge and she might just be acting as a wounded lioness trying to come back to him for being rejected as pointed out by the relatives who might be observing this as bystanders.

If observers can feel she needs to hold her grudges, then then she may need to tell her reatives he called her a sl*t.

If he wants her so bad that he is jealous of her being associated with someone else and… he has realised his mistake and he may love her.

She can and should acknowledge it and first ask him to repent and apologize for his stupid and wrongful behavior by reminding him of his word and ask him if he were OK to be marred to a s**T?

If he realizes his mistake and apologizes then she can say she is ready to give it a second shot.

Sounds like she does hold the grudge against him from being ‘rejected’ the first time and perhaps teased him and escalated his emotions from letting him know some details of her other endeavors to incite him.

:smack:

Can you get over from being the savior of womenkind based on your men-hating behavior? (Try not to reciprocate by calling me women-hater. Aint gonna work)

How do you know family members who are her relatives really do not know what might be going on?

Only thing terrible here is that he called her name. Indeed bad. But relatives must be knowing other interactions between these two to come to their conclsion to advise her not to hold any grudge.

It may be an ego issue just to give you some point but there is overwhelming evidence she is holding grudge against him from her being rejected the first time.

P.S. Refrain from name calling when cornered by a discussion or argument. Some female posters including YOU are known to do that by spending time to find those words. :slight_smile:

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And then the girl realizes that calling her a slut, damning her to hell, and all this diwanapan is a clear indication of his love. Lightning strikes the ground as she comes to this realization. She runs out to the field…in the pouring rain…and he’s there waiting for her; arms outstretched. They embrace…the backup dancers jump out from the bushes…and dhoom tana nana…dhol bajne laga! How filmi :chai:

Diwana, here you again…making assumptions about the intentions of another poster. You do this often…playing God…as though you know for certain what is in one’s heart. I’m not trying to be anyone’s savior. I don’t always agree with or support the views/opinions of every female who creates a thread about some issue that she’s dealing with. The advice that I give is not like a be/all-end/all solution. None of us have witnessed what the poster has gone through…we base our advice on our interpretations (which will vary)…and our experiences. I never said that I was certain that her relatives don’t know the whole story. I only said that it “seems” that way and “seems” is not synonymous with certainty. I have been in situations where relatives don’t have a clear picture of what happened between two people and accuse one or the other of holding a grudge without knowing all the details. Sometimes it can even depend upon what the relatives were told…their bias, etc. These are not unreasonable possibilities. Moreover, relatives’ opinions are not necessarily the “truth.” Similarly YOU can’t say for certain that the whole situation went down the way that you imagine it to be. It’s possible that maybe she had moved on from him and had a genuine interest in the new guy she was dating and thus told him it was too late…maybe she didn’t. We don’t have all the details and we didn’t witness everything. If someone has moved on to another person and no longer has romantic interest in a previous crush and is turned off by that former crush’s crazy behavior…it doesn’t necessarily have to stem from bitterness due to being rejected first. Again the word “necessarily” has been included to point out there there is no 100% guarantee that this is the case.

I am not a man-hater…and don’t worry…I won’t accuse you of being a woman-hater. I think you have far bigger issues. What I’ve noticed is that even if someone is making a general comment (not one that is directed toward you)…you take the person’s post…make your assumptions (often negative ones) about their intentions…distort the post…quote it and respond to it in a very condescending manner. Then when the person responds back to you…you take their response as “name-calling” “man-hating”, etc and seem to forget your own insulting/condescending post which you start out with.

**“P.S. Refrain from name calling when cornered by a discussion or argument. Some female posters including YOU are known to do that by spending time to find those words”
**

^LOL, “cornered”? I don’t feel cornered at all. I wonder if you maybe want me to feel “cornered.” Interesting choice of word…raises the question as to whether maybe you make it a mission to go around “cornering” people. :rolleyes:

What it is it? Rabies or something…that seems to get you itching for a fight? Seriously, grow up okay :wink:

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A should greet him normally but as RV said she should not make extra efforts to start a conversation with him. I dont think, after calling her names, things can be ever same as before.

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Ignored for the most part.. just to show my good gesture and keeping the thread on track. Would be glad to answer via PM with yor permisson to not bother/bore or even entertain others.

Will still keep reminding you of your men hating posts and advising women to run from men. That is called real rabid behavior ya know. ;)

Anyhow, coming to the topic.

Yes he called her wrong name. And things may not be the same in future as FT said, but like I said earlier, she does have a choice to bring him back to senses and make him repent.

Even Allah forgives, then why should she not????

If he loves her, he will do that. Her relatives might not be wrong either. She could have incited him as well. Quite possible based on what is posted.

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Agreed with redvelvet :k:

P.S someone suggested she should* ask him to apologize*. There is no weight in an apology when it is asked for. And also used the words wounded lioness - I read the post quite many times and did not see how they came to that judgment, unless they’re aware of people’s intentions. We should try to give advice from what the OP has provided us and not make such onomatopoeic assumptions.

PSS: looks like someone is still bitter :wink:

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The fact that she was rejected first and the fact that even her own relatives feel she was holding grudge and has to let it go makes her look like she was wounded. Simple.

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Get over it.....just be civil as anyother stranger..thats it.....no need of complex analysis of the situation..

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exactly what i was thinking

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if he really loved her why would he call her a slut or a whore or whatever verbal insults they were that he was texting to her? would a guy that really cares for girl say that.

all the happily married couples here, would the husband ever think of saying such things to his wife that he loves? i'm just wondering is that something that happens in marriage, saying something like that in anger and after it's forgiven, everything is back to normal? is that how happy marriages are?

not saying that princess shouldn't be in good terms with him, of course that is possible but anything more is a difficult issue.

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i wish people would use hypothetical names incase they dont want original names to be out on online forums...

abcdefg confuse me:(

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So what if he loves her. And I need to see where it says she has enticed him…:rolleyes:

She is wounded because he called her names…in your eyes…why is it that a woman’s respect means NOTHING? Why is it not worthy of any resentment when he disrespected her? This is really sad.

My advice…

First, do not get offended by what he ^ wrote.

Second, say salaam, be civil and move on.

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She can be civil, but no more than that. And she should never be alone with him. Contact should be limited to what is required at family functions.

And I disagree with diwana. She should not raise the issue again or drag it out.Iif he brings it up, she should accept any apology he offers, but end the conversation as politely as possible.

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1- I started off with not respecting the woman as he did is a SIN. No support there for disrespecting women.

2- In this scenario he is more wrong and is willing to undo the act he did.

3- Her relatives tell her not to have grudge. Not after he called her name but even before that when he rejected her. She was crushed as OP said. She indeed was wounded.

4- He needs to stop chasing her and move on if she said no. Both have ego problem and that is not good to start over again. But she still could forgive him. No?

5- It is clear from my posts I stay civil to members despite…oh well. No need to advice me only, but a good reminder to everyone.

Salaam. :slight_smile:

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Family members are correct when they say;

1) That she should stop holding a grudge
2) That B is truly sorry and has been putting in a lot of effort to become friends with her again
3) That B is impulsive and didn't mean it
4) That she needs to get over it.

There is nothing wrong with it as B just wants to be friends again and about the word, she can be upfront and ask for an apology.

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^ Absolutely true. :)

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Are You Fond Of Ekta Kapoor?

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.