Ok i have to vent this out. All my life my parents actually my mother has been very strict with us. For instance she wouldn’t allow us to be close with friends other than at school. So no socializing what so ever beyond school walls. We weren’t allowed to have friends over or do anything on the weekend with them. My mothers motto was your siblings should be your best friend, which was ok but what about when you needed to talk about your siblings with somone than it was extremely depressing. Alhamdulliah we were given a good home and lots to eat, but often felt lonely for friendship. To scare us off whenever we tried to prove that we could be responsible she would tell us stories about how friends can make you do drugs or set you up with guys or silly stuff really. We knew it was possible to have bad friends who could influence you but still having grown up in a cultured and religious household i was easy enough to tell right from wrong.
As we got older she would just put us through a major guilt trip if we asked to go out even in broad daylight. Its not like we were asking to go out with a co-ed crowd, never were. Just wanted to have time to spend with other girls, doesn’t mean we would give up religion or studying. Their is no soultion to make her change her views, a mere mention of saying we want to have friends beyond classmates in a classroom has her telling stories that just make you feel guilty for even asking. It is a tough world out there with dangerous people but what if you know they are like you in that they know islamic limitaions and are a good influence.
I really don’t know what to do, frustrated of not being able to do things with girls from my university which its stuff like having lunch or watching movies together and just relaxing. It really sucks to have a feeling like you are under such extreme control.
What scares me is that what if when it comes time to getting married, it will be so diffcult to say no to a person(s) she picks.
What would you girls do about all of this? Guys you can share your advice too it would be helpful. Strange thing is i don’t have any anger towards her but its so depressing and hurtful to know that you have no say or trust from your parents (mother actually) when you have not done anything wrong. Can’t say anything to my father because he just does what she says.
I can say that I somewhat understand what you are going through, though not completely. Culturally speaking my parents were pretty strict about having friends when I was growing up.
What I did to handle the restrictions was I simply told my mother that I had to do activities for my classes/clubs in university. Therefore I had to stay longer hours, work on projects etc. I joined a muslim organization at university, one that parents couldnt object to and did activities there. When they said that they dont want me to attend the events since they are late, I took my brothers along, or would ask parents to come along. If they said that it takes away from schoolwork, I told them theres no more important thing than giving dawah. You have to work with what you know about your parents thinking and go from there. This doesnt mean you must deceive them.
Have you really sat down with your mom and told her how its negatively affecting you? Also why dont you tell your mom some stories? About girls who are so restricted, that once they actually get a little freedom they dont know how to handle it and unfortunate results arise. If you need to, make a list of how it affects you now, and how it may affect you in the future, show it to your mom or write it to her in a card that tells her you care about her but you need your personal space. Dont be afraid to bring in aunties to talk to your mom regarding this. Talk to a trusted adult who can possibly be the go-between. One your mom and dad respects. Even if the only person available is a religious figure in the community or maybe even a counselor that would be of assistance.
Others can probably give a far better advice than me but I will try to give my two cents. Please always keep in mind that whatever way your Mom treats you ... she is, in her own view point, thinking the best for the family. This doesn't mean that her decisions/opinion are right but you should be sure that her intentions are.
I live with difficult parents as well and it sure is a challenge, even now that I have a darhi-monch. How I have overcome our miscommunication is by trying to understand where they are coming from and what are their key main issues. For instance, I figured out that my father has a few basic ideals for me that makes him happy (get up for Fajar Namaz, have good grades etc.) and as long as I am good at living up to them, he will "trust" me to make my own decisions. With my mother I figured that she needs to be constantly reminded that I still depend on her & to at least spend some time of the day being totally attentive to her, even if its just 10 minutes where she can vent out her concerns & worries. If I do just that she is far more open to my ideas, my interests & we usually end up negotiating a good deal.
So, try to find out what are some fundamental things that your parents (or Mom in specific) want from you. And make it a give-take relationship. Talk to your Mom, no matter how disappointing/depressing it may end up, just keep trying! :)
Munni: thanks its no use talking to her i have tried to talk to her a lot but she thinks the mintue you have friends your bound to go run off with some guy and get married. Which i don't understand she knows i have goals and getting married right now is not one of them. Also i have islamic knowlegde that i would and do abide by. I have told her several times that i need to have a little freedom as far as having someone to talk to just so i can don't feel so left out or alone all the time, she goes what why do you make up stuff. She thinks depressed and stressed are words are i made up. she sees no logic behinde them. I'm not even asking for days away from home or being out til midnight. But a few hours with pther people even with one friend would be nice once in a while. I have stopped talking to her about this because i figure there is no use so instead of pleading, begging, i would rather be alone and look miserable.
ahmadjee thank you. If i ask her what she wants will than i would be married and have ten kids right now sitting at home perfecting my kabab recipe. No really she wants our lives to be contoled utnil we are in the hands of our future husband in-laws.
The thing is i understand and think its good that she is stern but being 20 and not having just a little freedom enough to have friends come over or do anything i mean thats harsh. I don't understand why she doesn't believe in trust and being nice and communicating instead she spys and is pernoid. If i had friends whom she would let me be with i would tell her everything and choose friends she deemed acceptable.
Its all relative.Those that have had more freedom than you ,i mean any friends ,sleep over ,etc etc have similar complain that they dont get to take trips with there friends or hang out more .
Actually desires are never really fullfilled any way in all cases.
If you could givegood reasons or show what exactly was hampered b/c of these rules we can discuss .
Friends are more the merrier but you know they come at a price of TIME .And who has time when you are constantly telling your mom that you r busy as it is .
I have seen ppl. with strict parents generally are a better bargain than "free thinkers"
Freedom isnt being free to do everything but only AFTER having done your best at your job which is school & colege right now .After good work one can hardly have time to make more friends.DONT ASK YOUR MOM UNNECESSARILY WHEN YOU KNOW SHE IS GOING TO SAY NO to avoid feeling bad yourself & i m sure even your Mom doesnt enjoy saying NO ..its not easy .Nothing is
I can't say i've been in the same situation, but things have been on the more 'strict' side as my parents are very conservative people. It seems to me that you can't really have discussion with your mom about the situation because she usually gives guilt trips, but i would still suggest that you go to her on a fine day when she's in a good mood, and talk to her. The words you chose and the tone in which you relay them can make a very big difference, tell her how you feel emotionally about not being able to connect with 'girl' friends, and soon you will be married and another cycle of life will start, and you will have missed out on so much of life with your friends, etc. Make her understand that eventually you will have to go out into the real world where there will be dangerous people but as long as your actions and intentions are good, you are fine because as it is you really can't fortell what's going to happen. And you aren't a naive person who's going to unnecessarily be involved with things that are bad for you. If after the talk this doesn't help, i suggest you speak to your father, alone. Tell him how exactly you feel and tell him to stand up for you. Munni's suggestions are really good, get involved in school activities, etc.
Lily, you should be proud that u have a loving mother as there are people who wants to be cared for but they have no one to turn to. I can understand your mother trying to control to save you which can be depressing. I bet your mom would know some girl of your age that she would use as an example. In other words, find someone who is acceptable in ur mom's eyes. It will give you some space and hopefully will create more opportunities of making friends.
I think i just went around a circle after you said it's no use talking to her at all. Then i suggest you talk to your father and try to get him on your side. :)
Well one of my mates all his life hes been in exactly the same position as u, through school, college and uni, his dad and grandad have been very strict, and its not like he can object coz his dads a black belt so theyred be no point in arguing.
What gets me is that this friend of mine has always lissened to his dad, i mean usually youd complain or argue or just do something, but mashAllah hes never really rebelled against his parents wishes and has always been obedient and mashAllah hes turned out to be one decent muslim guy.
Now from what ive seen its not about if your parents are strict coz every ones situations different and no ones ever happy with what theyre parents want them to do. It just comes down to how u handle things, coz end of the day parents will never change.
Lily..Hi I just read your post. I am going to give this to you strait. Both you and your mom need to see a counsellor.
She has definate issues and insecurities that she needs to sort out with hersefl first, otherwise she wouldn't raise you the way she has so far. Perhaps some severe life event happened in her lifetime which has left her scarred and made her the way she is.., over suspiciouys and wary of everyone or perhaps it was her own parents upbringing to blame for her behaving in this manner... whatever the cause somebody has to make her realise that she is causing other people distress, if by now she hasnt figured it out.
i have often heard people blaming men in our society for being Dominating and the source of all problems when relationships go wrong, which is true to some degree but one must also understand that women too have lowered themselves to that level and embraced the label of the 'weaker' sex and have come to terms with it, which is wrong in my opinion. Its submissive peopl like you who're equally to blame. you'll meet a lot of people who will give you crap and you dont want them to walk all over you and treat you like a door mat , now do you?
you need to assert yourself more. dont let your own mom force you into submission and impose her decisions on you, I am certain she loves you but its your life..and sooner or later you'll have to confront her over a major decision and it might get painful then for a while but remembr a few days of stress and worry are better than a lifetime of misery!
There is help available for people like yourself. there is no harm in seeing a counsellor. look for supprt within your own family and get over this submissive role playing k! stand up for your rites! A little rebellion is healthy! Goodluck and Godspeed!
