So I have heard from many married ladies that first 2 - 3 years of a marriage are the hardest. Is it true? The reason why I am asking this is because a couple of my friends are going through a rough patch in their relationship. One has been married just under a year and one is married just about 2 years. They call me and ask me for advice about how to handle the situation and honestly I try to provide as rational advice I can to them. However, I just don’t know how practical it is as I am not married.
I keep on telling my friends to talk to someone who is married and has been through what they are going through as they would understand the situation better. However, they say that they know I will never discuss what they tell me with anyone else and they can’t trust anyone else like that. Which is true I would never tell anyone what they have told me.
So I just want to get the perspective of the married ladies on GS. Is it true that first 2-3 years are the hardest? Is it true that at times wife in the relationship has to sacrifice more? What is the best way to handle the situation if a newly married couple is going through a rough patch?
yes.....the establishing years in a relationship do pose a significant challenge because later on you become accustomed to each other's personalities/quirks.
just a thought:
perhaps this is not directly related to your question but I don't understand what "sacrifice more" means to people......isn't that a "subjective" question? maybe that which seems to be a small sacrifice for you might be a huge sacrifice for him.....
So I have heard from many married ladies that first 2 - 3 years of a marriage are the hardest. Is it true? The reason why I am asking this is because a couple of my friends are going through a rough patch in their relationship. One has been married just under a year and one is married just about 2 years. They call me and ask me for advice about how to handle the situation and honestly I try to provide as rational advice I can to them. However, I just don't know how practical it is as I am not married.
I keep on telling my friends to talk to someone who is married and has been through what they are going through as they would understand the situation better. However, they say that they know I will never discuss what they tell me with anyone else and they can't trust anyone else like that. Which is true I would never tell anyone what they have told me.
So I just want to get the perspective of the married ladies on GS. Is it true that first 2-3 years are the hardest? Is it true that at times wife in the relationship has to sacrifice more? *What is the best way to handle the situation if a newly married couple is going through a rough patch?
*
Thanks all in advance for your responses.
Stay quiet and observe!! Thats the bestest suggestion I could give you.
yes.....the establishing years in a relationship do pose a significant challenge because later on you become accustomed to each other's personalities/quirks.
just a thought:
perhaps this is not directly related to your question but I don't understand what "sacrifice more" means to people......isn't that a "subjective" question? maybe that which seems to be a small sacrifice for you might be a huge sacrifice for him.....
So what do you think is the best way for each of them to understand that what the husband is giving up is just as important as what the wife is giving up and vice versa. It doesn't have to be the same thing.
And how should they deal with it especially when In-laws come into the picture. Should the wives just stay quiet and let their husbands deal with the situation in their own way??
Maybe I should just tell them to open up threads here so people can give them advice based on what they say in the thread.
Stay quiet and observe!! Thats the bestest suggestion I could give you.
So for example, if the wife has an issue with one of the in-laws and she only shares anything or talks about it only to her husband..should she stop doing that if she can see that her husband is getting irritated because he thinks she is always complaining about his family?
^^ ofcourse, no one likes to listen complains about their family. You have issues with in laws, distance yourself from them. If they don't greet you or congratulate you on important events like birth of your child, just ignore and keep living your life. The more you think about it and the more you complain, the more you will damage your relationship with your husband.
^^ ofcourse, no one likes to listen complains about their family. You have issues with in laws, distance yourself from them. If they don't greet you or congratulate you on important events like birth of your child, just ignore and keep living your life. The more you think about it and the more you complain, the more you will damage your relationship with your husband.
I completely agree with you. I have been telling one of them to stop complaining about every thing about your in laws to your husband because to him you come across as a whiner and seriously he will just stop paying attention to you. Unfortunately, they cannot move away because since he is the eldest they have to take care of the family. I don't know what else to tell them.
I want them to be happy and just looking at how they are struggling is really stressing me out.
I am in the same boat - we are under one year married and always arguing. But we've both learnt that whilst we both have to sacrifice, don't count your sacrifices and then throw them back in your other half's face - that doesn't make it a sacrifice, rather a numbers game (if that makes sense?) Also... SABR! Both need to have patience. Though it's a million times easier said than done. I'm finding it really difficult right now :(
I don't know about others but its definitely true in my case. My first two years of marriage were harder. We used to argue on stupid things. Now when I think back, most of it was stupid childish stuff and I regret not staying quiet. My husband is nice Alhamdulliah but just the adjustment stage, getting to know in-laws, getting used to each other and other person's habit, it takes time. 2 years, one kid later, we don't have time to argue. We understand each other better, care for each other, love each other more and understand our responsibilities better. I let go of a lot of things my in-laws say to me because now I know them better. Some things I can change, some I can't. My husband is nice to me and that's all that matters.
So for example, if the wife has an issue with one of the in-laws and she only shares anything or talks about it only to her husband..should she stop doing that if she can see that her husband is getting irritated because he thinks she is always complaining about his family?
Yes- for the time being. You see, you are new and your husband has been living with them for years. To him, they are closest. He loves you but on the other hand he loves his family too. Give him some time to make him think you are his family too. You can't do it by arguing with him. He would stand for you when he sees his wife has the patience and she doesn't fight for her even being capable.
There will be a time, where there would be no need that you tell him whats going around. He will see. He will react. All this needs a lot of patience and sacrifices, compromises!
Here's some advice, how about not sharing the private details of your everyday married life to "close" (and single lol) friends, and instead talk to the person you are married to. I can't imagine betraying the trust of your partner is really going to help matters. This just goes to show, just because someone is married, doesn't mean they have actually grown up.
I was at the drs once, and an elderly lady (must have been in her 80s) said to me (after finding out i recently got married) , "beta, do everything for your husband.....beybass kardo usko..that he can't do anything without you..." she further went on to say that she used to do everything for her husband, so much ..that within a year.. he was totally dependent on her - wouldn't even think about taking any big steps without her advice/input. since that day - her advice has stuck with me.
With the whole inlaws, and family situation - stay quiet. best policy. I wish i had known about it earlier... don't interfere with "their family matters" , just keep quiet and observe. if your hubby asks for your input - ONLY GIVE IT TO HIM and not so bluntly.. be gentle about it.
Also remember, you are not their "Daughter" - as much as they will say you are - there will ALWAYS BE A DIFFERENCE. don't fight infront of them with your husband and don't back talk to your husband infront of them. at that point, even if hubby is wrong..tell him hes right and talk about it in the privacy of your own bedroom.
Here's some advice, how about not sharing the private details of your everyday married life to "close" (and single lol) friends, and instead talk to the person you are married to. I can't imagine betraying the trust of your partner is really going to help matters. This just goes to show, just because someone is married, doesn't mean they have actually grown up.
I agree with you. However, I can't just tell them go away if they are confiding in me. The least I can do is try to give the best advice I can and not share what they discussed with me to anyone.
I was at the drs once, and an elderly lady (must have been in her 80s) said to me (after finding out i recently got married) , "beta, do everything for your husband.....beybass kardo usko..that he can't do anything without you..." she further went on to say that she used to do everything for her husband, so much ..that within a year.. he was totally dependent on her - wouldn't even think about taking any big steps without her advice/input. since that day - her advice has stuck with me.
With the whole inlaws, and family situation - stay quiet. best policy. I wish i had known about it earlier... don't interfere with "their family matters" , just keep quiet and observe. if your hubby asks for your input - ONLY GIVE IT TO HIM and not so bluntly.. be gentle about it.
Also remember, you are not their "Daughter" - as much as they will say you are - there will ALWAYS BE A DIFFERENCE. don't fight infront of them with your husband and don't back talk to your husband infront of them. at that point, even if hubby is wrong..tell him hes right and talk about it in the privacy of your own bedroom.
Really good advice. I've heard all of this before in different forms and from different people but I just need to drill it into my head and practice it I think.
Question re the family: how do you handle if your in laws have demands/expectations of YOU? You can't stay quiet and ignore in that situation, can you? What if those expectations are the opposite of what you normally do? Do you tell them it's not what you're used to, or do you do things to make them happy, even at your own expense?
Why would you want your husband to be totally dependent on you??
I think you misunderstood what im trying to say.
I don't mean that he needs to ask you what colour socks to wear every morning nor do i mean that your husband should be financially dependent on you.
I have known couples where the husband goes out and makes big family/household decisions without consulting his wife (i actually know someone that purchased a home without even showing/asking his wife!!) there's other people that go out and spend money on useless things but when you look at their wives , they have a set "budget" and most - if not all of it goes towards grocery/home needs.
I think that when you are there for your husband (in every sense possible) - he gets used to that and needs that around him. My husband works from home and I do most of his marketing/admin tasks , even when he goes out to purchase something for his business .. he asks for my advice and opinion..(he can easily go out and do what he pleases.. but he doesn't)
Being this way i feel builds an understanding, builds a sense of respect for both partners.