So, I have this friend who confided everything about her married life to me a few months ago. We have become very close these past few years and I think she is very smart and beautiful but when it comes to her marriage she does not seem so intelligent. So, she has been married 5 years and the first few months were fun but then it went downhill from there. She was still in college at the time and her husband was understanding of it for a while. Then he told her to get her Mom to pay for her school which her mom did for a while. Then he got angry she was taking so long with school. He expected her to cook and clean every single day and find a part time job all the while going to school. She found a part time job at a shoe store and he was still not happy. He didn’t pay attention to her on valentines day even though she dressed up and cooked a good meal. He always criticized her cooking and cleaning. She told me even if the apartment was very clean he found something to complain about. She then told me when it came to relations, if you know what I mean, it was when he wanted, never when she did. She never got any satisfaction with it. And now she says it has been almost 2 years! Who goes without that long? Thats sad. They had planned to have a kid by now but have stopped because of him. She says they used to go out to festivals and around town but nowadays if they go out they eat out and nothing else. They just saw 2 movies in theaters this past month but that after almost a year. She says they have no married friends and never meet with anyone. They used to have a single friend come over all the time but have not met him for over a year. She says that financially they are in debt over $1000 and trying to pay it off slowly. When it comes to major decisions she feels she has very little say in it. Her husband sends money to his Mom all the time without telling her and he gifted his married sister a computer! She says the most expensive gift he got her were some sneakers to help her “exercise”. I mean come on, looking good is great but a husband telling her to exercise?? Thats a whole different story though. Shes not overweight or anything,medium built but who knows what he wants. A slim model type wife perhaps. Don’t most men? She also says that he seems to want to be left alone the majority of the time to read the news, watch tv etc. He sometimes hugs her during the day and says cute things to her but it never goes beyond that. I told her she sounds unhappy and that men don’t change and that she should leave him. But she insists she has invested so much in the marriage and been to counseling that she is willing to stick it out with him. I am tired of hearing her complaints and don’t know what else to advise her. She thinks sine I am happily married for four years I have some magic formula to give her. The truth is yes, I am happily married but there is no one formula. Different things work for different people. I say when couples honor and respect each other, they are usually able to respect each other’s point of view, even if they don’t agree with it. When there’s an imbalance of power, there’s inevitably a great deal of marital distress. Every marriage is a union between two individuals who bring to it their own opinions,personality quirks, and values. Both should accept each other for who they are and not try to change the other. But when it comes to marriage issues, they both need to see what irritates the other about them and see how solvable it is. Maybe she can stop doing something that irritates him that isn’t necessary for her to do. or he can do more activities she likes with her once in a while. Like that. Its called compromise a.k.a. give and take. She called me last night but I avoided answering because I am tired of hearing her problems but like her enough to try to help her and be there for her. Her family wanted her to get a talaak but she tried to fix things for years and this is where she is at. She keeps asking him if he wants to leave her and sometimes he says yes then says no and then changes the subject by trying to joke with her. I have seen and hung out with him in real life and he is funny and seems smart and nice but then again, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Her whole family wants her to leave him but after working things out she says things improved a lot but now are going south again slightly. Her family now accepts him but her older sister keeps telling her to leave. I am done with telling her what to do.
Re: Advice for failing marriage
Two sides to a story, but based on what you've shared....it seems the guy has control issues. Perhaps the two movies that they watched recently....could be a step toward improvement. Although, I do agree that it's hard for people to change. You can advise her all you want....but in the end, she'll do whatever she wants. Maybe tell her that "No matter what marital complaints she bombards you with next....that your advice will still be the same, to leave him." That could send her a message about how overwhelmed you feel. Or you can be more direct with her and tell her that the frequent negativity is going to take it's toll on her and her relationships with others....so she has two choices....either she can get out of his marriage if she knows that things will not improve......OR......if she wants to stay in the marriage then stop complaining (as it fuels negativity) and find strategies to make the marriage work.
Has she talked to her parents or siblings? If not....maybe you can encourage her to do so. Sometimes the advice of immediate family can have a greater impact.
Another suggestion could be that she sit down with her husband and tell him how she feels about the marriage ....tell him that she's very frustrated and needs to take a break to think about things. Maybe that mini vacation from her husband will help puts things in perspective for her and also make him reflect over his actions and the marriage.
Re: Advice for failing marriage
She should start by reading news and discussing with him and also watch the same shows he watched on TV and discuss that will be start of a beautiful relationship all over again.
First of all she has to stop to be a whiner and start taking charge if her own relationship in this marriage.
Make yourself interesting and charming . Be creative , cook whatever he likes and put a note in his office bag , lunch bag , on his computer stick a love note on the TV screen before he comes home. Creativity is the key . Whining has gotten nothing to anybody , being practical has gotten desired results.
Re: Advice for failing marriage
She has told me she has done all sorts of things. She has dressed up for him, tried to discuss something on tv. but he takes no notice. Well, when it comes to talking he just wants to deal with important issues like bills, dinner etc. I feel so bad for her. When she asks how his day was when he comes home he barely answers her and goes to check his email. She says she gets nervous when its time for him to come home after work as she cannot predict his mood. When my husband comes I get excited. He tells me anything interesting that went on at work and I about y day for no more than 5-6 minutes. Then we eat dinner together and discuss anything that went on in the news,movies, etc. My fiend also told me she made a cake for his birthday last year and he did not even try it. His friend had some and it sat in the fridge for quite some time so she had to eat it little by little, day by day. How rude. He could have tried it. His friend was eating it and her husband say to him he did not have to if he did not like it. His friend said it was actually good. Who says that about their spouse in front of company??
Re: Advice for failing marriage
I can understand the idea that the sweet lovey-dovey gestures might soften him up....make him more compassionate and flexible. But what if the kind gestures make him think that he's being rewarded for his ill-behavior or make him feel a sense of entitlement? I dunno. I get that there are two sides of the story and we don't know about his..............but based on the post.........she did everything (pretty major things) that he demanded of her and it made no difference.
I'm all for the sweet gestures to keep the spark in the relationshp alive............but I feel that the issues STILL need to be addressed.
But if things are dysfunctional beyond repair.....then why stay? Such a controlling attitude and tense home environment is not healthy to bring children into (a point she can try bringing up with him). If she knows it won't do any good....then why bring more people into this misery?
Re: Advice for failing marriage
2 years with no sex?!
Re: Advice for failing marriage
^I don't understand why the guy himself is still in the marriage....even if it does seem like he's the one that's more in the wrong. Why didn't he just end the marriage himself?
In regards to the absence of sex......is there any doubt about his sexual orientation? Is there someone else that he's seeing? Or maybe he can tell that she's not interested in it and sees it more as a chore....so it's deflated his ego? Who knows?
Re: Advice for failing marriage
^ Is there someone else that he's seeing? Or maybe he can tell that she's not interested in it and sees it more as a chore....so it's deflated his ego? Who knows?
This seems to be the next logical question. May be he is interested in someone else and nurturing that relationship and waiting for the right moment to end this one. All the signs say that he is not interested in this marriage anymore.
Re: Advice for failing marriage
. All the signs say that he is not interested in this marriage anymore.
That's what it seems like. Surprised it's continued for so long. Is it possible that he's hoping that he'll annoy her to the point that she end the marriage first?
Re: Advice for failing marriage
After reading all the posts I am convinced that we are talking about this guy;
http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/510648-is-it-ok-to-slap-a-gay-guy-in-coporate-office.html
On a serious note;
If he is not impotent then he is practically involved, if he is involved she should wait for a miracle to happen, if she does’t believe in miracles, she rather break the relation that would eventually break her psychologically.
Re: Advice for failing marriage
haha, no I am pretty sure his not gay. An yes Sara, 2 years. I myself cannot believe it. She did mention he watches stuff online once in a while and knows so becuase she's seen it on her computers history but he's not been seeing stuff as of lately. I better get back to work but if my husband would not tell me why I would be very very suspicious too. She claims he's semi religous and she cannot imagine him cheating so I don't know.
He hasnt touched his wife in 2 years i mean a sexless marriage? Wats the point in being married, And theyre only young.! Alarm bells ringing.! He seems controlling her whole family told her to get a divorce.. And he says as a joke? He wants out of this marriage if she says she has tried hard then it seems like its going nowhere, if it was me in her shoes and my family supported my decision and saw he isnt treating me well or as a wife then i would leave.
Re: Advice for failing marriage
I think she ought to have a break from him for a little while, after which he may really understand her true worth. And if he doesn't go running to her after the break, then I guess both should go their seperate ways because she has done everything she could do to keep him, but it hasn't been enough.
Re: Advice for failing marriage
^ I agree. A temporary sepration might work. Ask your friend to go to her parents' place for few days/ weeks. But she should be prepared for the worst. Her husband might be looking for a safe exit from this marriage and this separation could provide him exactly that. But this will show her that her husband wanted to end this marriage. On the other hand, her husband could get some time to think about their relationship and he might come back to her and try to sort things out in order to save the marriage.
Re: Advice for failing marriage
He's just not that into her.
Is this couple a lot older or are they young, in their 20s/early 30s?
Maybe he isn't cheating on her and is not interested in being married or being with any woman. I don't get how she's still staying married to him. Didn't even try the birthday cake she made for him? Loser.
Re: Advice for failing marriage
Did he really love her in the beginning when they got married? The fact that he doesn't want to be intimate with her is really strange. He is either in love with someone else, or undergoing some mental stress. If he has not wanted to have physical relations with her from the beginning, maybe he's gay? (Don't want to be offensive or anything, but that does strike me as a possibility. Homosexual people in our society are often pressured into getting married)
Re: Advice for failing marriage
It genuinely sounds like he is using her to cook his food, and clean his clothes and is probably getting other things from else where especially as there is a absence of understanding and marital relations. With the added aspect of him buying her trainers to "work out" is his way of pointing out that he doesn't currently find her attractive, in a crude manner (could have been worse I guess). I agree with the above sentiments, she needs to take a break from him, either go back to her parents, or a holiday or just simply moving out for a while.
Its a very sad situation but she defo needs a hit of reality, perhaps ask her to go to have some counselling, but not for her marriage, for her. She seems to have lost herself because of him, she needs to understand that he nor her situation will probably ever change.
Re: Advice for failing marriage
I think it takes two to tango and something is wrong here. Meaning, there is something she might be missing because if it was good in the beginning then things at least have some chance of being okay.
However, I do feel that if she is really not happy she should at least go for a temporary separation to see if she wants to continue living with him. She can take a break, vacation or do something to get some space to think about this.
Re: Advice for failing marriage
He sometimes hugs her during the day and says cute things to her but it never goes beyond that.
Has she made any real efforts? Has she told him that it's been a long time? Or I'm assuming she's too shy to ask and talk about it? Some men like being dominated in bed, may be he's one of them?
Re: Advice for failing marriage
2 years with no sex?!
2 days is hard enough!! Something is obviously wrong. The way it is going, in cannot carry on.