Hi
I thought i would post this to get some feedback, advice, some ideas and tips/suggestions. I will now get down to my problem. I am deeply interested in this girl who is 9 years younger to me. She is my bhabi’s younger cousin. My elder brother and bhabi got married in 2011, i saw my bhabi’s cousin for the first time back then, she was 17 year’s old at the time while i was 25-26 years old at the time. I had noticed her back then as well but unfortunately at that stage in my life i was suffering from a heart break over a rejection which took place when i was in
college in 2010 and i was also not really looking to settle down at that stage as i had plans to study further and to move to Canada.
My immigration visa came through in April 2012 for Canada, before i flew out to Canada, my parents briefly talked to me and encouraged me to consider getting engaged to someone before leaving for Canada for good. I was generally against the idea but i did take my bhabi’s cousin’s name back then. However my parents were off the opinion that the girl was too young, i also agreed with them besides i wasn’t seriously thinking about her that romantically at that stage.
So anyways i moved to Canada in April 2012 and embarked on a new life and journey. All my previous Academic degrees, qualification’s from my home country had no real standing and therefore i had no choice but to Academically start all over again in Canada. So i was busy studying and looking to establish a new career in Canada since then and time flew by.
By 2015, i had finished my studies at university, i managed to get into the economic system and started my career in Canada. It was during this stage that all the elders in my family i.e. Aunts, Uncles, Grand parents and my parents started to pressurize me that it was time that i needed to settle down. Unfortunately to my horror, i found out that all these Aunts, extended relatives of mine had strong vested interests and were mostly recommending girls in their families who were around 28-32 years old in Canada, US and had been struggling really badly for Rishta’s themselves for a while. To make things worse, they started to taunt and humiliate me as i rejected those options that i had aged out myself for an arranged marriage and that no parent would even bother to consider their beautiful 23-24 year old daughters for me and they kept feeding the crap message i.e. the best ones get taken early. To my horror i also saw that my parent’s weren’t being ambitious and aggressive and were only looking at girls in the family for me.
It was during this time period by the end of 2015 where i started to think about my Bhabi’s younger cousin again. I managed to find her online and i saw that she was now studying in University approaching her final year, she had grown up and looked even better than before and was 22-23 years old now. My feelings for her grew and i proceeded to add her online and she accepted my invitation.
Because she was my bhabi’s cousin, i strongly felt that going through the arranged marriage route i.e. my parents approaching her parents, elders would be the best approach. Unfortunately my parent’s did not like her parents and the family she generally came from because her father apparently drinks and has a history of womanizing, the mother likes to socialize a lot and there is apparently a history of Marital discord in her mother’s side of the family.
When i told my parents forcefully that i am really interested in this girl, they expressed their opposition but i still maintained my stance aggressively because only I knew how i felt about her. So anyways after i kept on insisting, my younger sister and parents told me that the girl was officially engaged, baat pakkied to someone.
I found that a little suspicious and too good to be true. So in order to get to the bottom of the matter and i didn’t find any evidence of any engagement.
She had 1500 plus friends. I finally took the inititiative and tried to chat with her online. It wasn’t easy, there were times she wouldn’t respond to me at all, other times she would respond to me slowly, but on one occassion when i did chat with her we chatted for half an hour but i ended up making the mistake of writing 8-10 messages in comparison to her 1-2 messages. I tried not to bombard her with tons of messages, i tried to send her a message after every 7-10 days and i would only send her one message. But my last three one line messages to her delivered on 3 different days with a gap of 3 weeks each went unanswered and that’s when i decided perhaps messaging her online will be a long shot and that
i am better off trying to pursue this officially through the arranged marriage route.
So i haven’t contacted her or sent her any message online for the last 7-8 months. I was also hearing that her parents were receiving rishta proposals for her at the same time from various different corners.
After a lot of hard work, effort and endeavour i finally managed to convince my parents to take my interest in her seriously and to pursue her for my sake.
Recently i managed to discover the following facts.
She has been in a steady relationship with a class fellow of hers for the last few years but she is facing sternest opposition from her father who does not like the boy and his family one bit. The last i heard was that her father was not willing to budge inspite of her best efforts to fight for the boy and to get him approved in her family.
I have 5 options in front of me
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To forget her and move on. This is not easy at all, i really genuinely like this girl and have liked her for the last 6-7 years. I do not fall for girls every day and therefore i realize the importance of what it means to me when i get that special feeling. Plus i don’t want to go into another relationship, arrangement with another girl while still thinking about this girl, as that would be extremely unfair to the other person. I feel it is still to early at this stage for me to give up just like that and i know i will not be able to forget about her that easily.
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To try and befriend her better online and to attract her, win her confidence and penetrate her shield. This is going to be very challenging, especially if she is in a steady relationship with somebody and trying very hard to fight for him in her family. Besides the online world is very fake, so many people online do not respond to messages, do not respond promptly or do not talk that openly. Also i realize i cannot be too fool hardy, careless or show any desperation. I have learn’t the hard way in the past that you cannot ambush a girl online just like that and that it has to be a slow gradual process.
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I could send my parents to her parents and elders to ask for her hand in marriage. While that was my original intention, for now this does not appear to be a very wise idea given the fact she is fighting very hard for the boy in her family and therefore she will reject any proposals received left, right and centre for the time being.
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She just might successfully be able to convince her parents especially her father and they might agree to her union with her classfellow. If this does happen, then fairplay to her, her happiness is my happiness, i will suck it up, dig deep and find a way to move on and this chapter will be closed
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It is equally possible that her parents especially her father will continue to refuse to accept the boy and she might eventually be resigned to the fact that it is just not happening and they both might decide to end things for good and move on. I mean if she does not get married to the boy, somebody else will marry her right? If my parents were to approach her parents, there is a chance they might accept and agree. I know people keep warning me that this is not a situation you want to get into, you do not want to be her rebound, she is going to resent you and take
her frustrations out on you for losing the guy. But i have always been a gambler and risk taker in my life, i have always followed my heart, gut instinct on major life decisions. The fact that i personally really like her and have really liked her for a while should be a big plus for her and i will do my utmost and fully back myself to bring a smile to her face, happiness in her life, to help her be the best person she can be personally and professionally. Plus lets get real, it is very common now in Pakistan where girls date guys before marriage, they break up of their own accord or due to family dissaproval and then the girls get married to the guy their parents chose for them. I know of a few examples and these girls after marriage are like any other normal spouse with kids, happily married, i mean people eventually move on at the end of the day.
But the fact is that her parents are receiving Rishta proposals for her from all quarters as well which is perhaps why she might have told her parents about her relationship with her class fellow.
Based on the reality of the situation, i think i will need to follow an approach which combines 2 and 5.
This is where i really could use help from people in terms of feedback, tips, ideas, suggestions on this whole situation. Also tips,ideas on how to speak to her online, things to talk about, not talk about, messaging strategy, messaging frequency e.t.c
I will be grateful for your feedback and advice
Regards