Hi guys. I was wondering if you guys can fill me in on how the whole rishta process works and if you have any advice or tips?
(I grew up and live in the U.S. in a town where there aren’t that many muslims, and don’t have muslim friends. And my mom doesn’t know much about the sending pics aspect that has been added to the process. So I don’t know much about the process )
My situation was that my mom had turned down a few mothers who were considering me for their sons in the past from the surrounding towns which we rarely visit, because I still hadn’t received my bachelor’s degree at that time. My mom previously didn’t want any marriage talk until I at least got a Masters and started a career. But now my mom severely, severely regrets one of the offers she rejected after they insisted for 2 years due to my studies, now that said boy married someone else.
So now she accepted a rishta pic request from a guy’s family, and since I was unsure about seeking out a husband so soon, I finally agreed after 2 weeks to send the picture which was this January the 18th. The auntie who set us up wondered if she should give them our number, but my mom said no since she thought it would be best talk after if they were okay with my appearance and the level of my hijab since I’m about average looking and wear complete hijab, never wear makeup, and I’m not stylish, since his family had said that they were okay if their future daughter in law didn’t wear hijab. And from what we’ve heard his family doesn’t wear full hijab and are pretty stylish.
So I don’t know if we went about this process well or not? I don’t expect them to reply soon especially since we took so long, but I’m wondering if they will reply at all if they are not interested? Next time a rishta pic request comes my way, could we request to see a pic boy as well as sending my pic since I would also like to know how the guy looks like?
Re: Advice and Tips for Someone Just Starting the Rishta Process
It’s funny you mention that! Soon after sending the picture, I actually ended up finding a picture of the guy at his job online through a lot of digging since like me he doesn’t have social media, and I wasn’t attracted to him, but I thought what if he had a great personality or that perhaps it was just a bad picture of him? I didn’t want to be negatively biased just because I wasn’t attracted to a picture. But since we haven’t heard a word from his family for two and a half weeks I’m guessing they’re not interested. I’m glad that at least I wasn’t the one who rejected the other because of looks. (I know they didn’t reject me because of my education, because they had said they wanted an educated girl, who won’t stay home, which I fit that criteria. And my family is in good standing in the community. So, I know they either truly didn’t want a full hijabi or they didn’t think I was pretty enough in my picture and didn’t consider like me that pictures aren’t always the best representation of someone’s appearance.) I’m just thankful we didn’t rush to send them a picture and seem desperate! And if they rejected me because of my hijab, Alhamdollilah I’m not interested in toning down the hijab I have worn for 17 years so far for Allah just to meet the aesthetic standards of a husband or his family.
Re: Advice and Tips for Someone Just Starting the Rishta Process
I’m a guy, but i’ve been around the block with this ristha stuff so to speak, Done online/rishta aunties…only thing I haven’t done is those speed dating functions. But anyways…
Some tips…Invest in some good pics. Yes you’re a hijabi, a guy will come along that will want a hijabi. But taking good pics is crucial. Pics are usually the first impression, irregardless you shouldn’t base your decision off pics alone. But, a successful marriage starts with attraction I feel, if you’re not attracted to each other their are bound to be problems (i’m not married…so what do I know :/).
Lets say you get a guys picture, you like him, you send yours, he likes you, usually from their two things can happen. Either your mom invites their fam to your house and you guys talk between your selves for a bit and exchange numbers or you exchange numbers with him right away and start texting/calling each other.
This is where you have to decide in what qualities your looking for in a guy (we’re obviously passed physical attraction at this point…assuming they are telling the truth with their pics and how they look like).
So in general you have to see what dealbreakers you have and are okay with. I’ve met some girls that only want tall guys, girls that want guys that pray 5x no questions asked, girls that don’t want to live with inlaws. But for the most part, girls want guys that don’t drink, smoke. Another deal breaker is past experiences..are you okay with a guy who has had sex before, or do you want a virgin guy. With all that being said, no one is perfectly going to fit in everything that you want. You’re going to compromise on somethings.
Than its discerning personality, is conversation easy, talk about if you guys have similar goals in life, like having kids, how will kids be raised, how will money be divied up..etc.
From personal experience it really takes about 3 weeks to a month to discern if someone is right for you (of constant talking and texting), after that any time spent you can just verify other things. 1 or 2 meetups are in their somewhere if distance permits.
Warning In this whole process DO NOT GET ATTACHED…cause guys and girls will cancel it off for various reasons and you’ll be heart broken/depressed.
Re: Advice and Tips for Someone Just Starting the Rishta Process
Good luck with the process Kuvira!
To send or not send pictures is one’s choice. I personally don’t send mine until I feel the prospect has the traits/ characteristics I am looking for, and it’s very seldom that I have done the picture exchange thing. Never done the rishta app thing either.
Get to know people and learn from the experience. Know your values and be confident and like will attract like. Marriage calls for some compromises so make a list of things that are very important that you cannot compromise on (ie. your hijab, career, etc) and some things that you are willing to look past. Learn to be honest with yourself and the potential. Get involved in your community. Get to know others and provide an opportunity for others to know you.
Don’t get discouraged or overthink if someone doesn’t reply or reciprocate. You won’t ever know why they did not continue the conversation and tbh it doesn’t even matter! Continue to work hard and be the best in your deen, akhlaq, career, and stay fit/beautify yourself for yourself, your family and future spouse. Someone will come along and it will all just work out. Allah is the best of planners and he knows when you’ll be ready and with whom you can lead a happy, successful life with.
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