The general rule of thumb is to have a close mehram from the father's side breastfeed if the child is a girl and a close female from the mother's side if the child is a male. Generally the milk relatives are the same as the biological. Your meharams are your parents, grandparents and their parents ....., siblings, parent's siblings, parents' siblings' children, children and children's children..
Not sure if I am reading you right. .. If your parents' siblings' kids are mehram, how exactly are there so many cousin marriages in Pakistan?
Guys, all you are sharing is technically accurate. We must be able to look broadly though, because limiting to these as required conditions becomes a whole diff issue. Eg If person A's brother dies and leaves a 12 year old boy, who is na mehram to person A's daughters and wife, should he not bring that boy in his home? What if the kid is 16?
Some Saudi cleric apparently suggested that women breastfeed their colleagues at work or drivers etc to tackle the mehram issue. Err no thank you is probably what most ladies would say.
Adherence to certain allowed options is fine, but there is more beyond that.
There is a small number of scholars who believe that breastfeeding an adult will make you Mehram. The super majority opinion is that it has to be in the first two years of a child's life. If you drink your wife's breast milk you will not become her Mehram.
The laws of Mehram remain the same. The daughter and wife cannot be alone with the boy. It is like a husband having a female worker in the home. He needs his wife's permission. He cannot be alone with her. It is highly recommended that the wife be there at that time. He has to keep his talking to her minimal and only talk about things that are necessary like the work that she is doing for the family.
The boy can marry the girl in this situation or even the wife if she was to get a divorce.
No wait I don't get it. So for example I adopt a child and I breast the baby myself. So this baby is as good as being my son/daughter mehram rules-wise. Ok so he is also mehram for my daughter, as in just like her brother. Now switch roles, if my sister was adopting this boy, and I still breast-fed him, he is still like MY son and therefore mehram for my sister and her husband (because she's his Khala now) but now technically first cousin to her children right? And therefore non mehram to her kids? Or am I thinking of it all wrong? Doesn't breast feeding a child (under two and atleast a few times) give him the same relations to everyone that he would have had if that was his real mom?
^ only the children that share the milk from the same woman at the same time are like siblings and maHram. one of the two children must be the woman's own biological child. the rest of the siblings are NOT maHram...they are NOT doodh-shareek bhai/bahen.
my eldest brother was breastfed by one of my aunts while she had the same age daughter who was also breastfed. now my brother and that cousin of mine are maHram to each other but she is NOT maHram to me or my other siblings.
Strange, its ok to live in the same house with jeth and dewar (husband's brothers) even though they are na mehrams. If anyone raises the issue the answer is no, we don't follow other Islamic teachings so why should the wife be provided a separate living arrangement. But in case of adopting a child everyone turns Islamic. If one can live with jeths and dewars o(and their male off spring)bserving Islamic purdah then so can one live with an adopted child.
Thanks for explaining it so sensibly X2! That was the explanation I was looking for to discuss it with my dad. Exactly what Eastern said I was also thinking.
What if you bring a child home and don't breast feed at all? These rules sound like they may have been applicable way back when, not so much anymore. So many woman do not breast feed or cannot. What then? How do the rules apply? I too am not understanding the mehram thing because since when do people think twice about going in front of their nieces and nephews? Unless you observe those rules to a T (24/7 nicab/hujib except with your husband/immediate family, then I am not understanding that part. Are those the only reasons?
I get the inheritance part but isn't that also taken care of in writing (current times) so why would that be a concern as of now? Wouldn't your children have their shares equal or as you see fit as the parent? I feel like a bigger concern of protecting an inheritance would be against a child's spouse (should parents not be around in that scenario) and there was a separation.
What if you bring a child home and don't breast feed at all? These rules sound like they may have been applicable way back when, not so much anymore. So many woman do not breast feed or cannot. What then? How do the rules apply? I too am not understanding the mehram thing because since when do people think twice about going in front of their nieces and nephews? Unless you observe those rules to a T (24/7 nicab/hujib except with your husband/immediate family, then I am not understanding that part. Are those the only reasons?
I get the inheritance part but isn't that also taken care of in writing (current times) so why would that be a concern as of now? Wouldn't your children have their shares equal or as you see fit as the parent? I feel like a bigger concern of protecting an inheritance would be against a child's spouse (should parents not be around in that scenario) and there was a separation.
People are listing things that may be issues for couples/households that follow Islam to a T. The inheritance might be an issue based on the country you live in. Make a list of the concerns and see if any of them apply to you.
1) The whole mehram thing....forget what other families do. People tend to become religious (or non-religious) when it suits their needs. Is YOUR family strict about observing purdah/hijab etc. b/t cousins/chachas/phuphis etc? Does YOUR family observe these Islamic rules to a T? If the answer is no, then this should not be a concern for you when adopting a child.
2) I believe you live in the U.S. so the inheritance part is not an issue for you at all. And yes, you and your husband can draft a will dividing all your assets/money any way you like so if you want to leave everything equally among all your children (including the adopted one), this is not a concern at all.
3) As for protecting inheritance from your child's future spouse....many states have laws that prevent a spouse from claiming any rights to the other's inheritance in case of a divorce. Of course, you can't predict which state your child will end up living in lol. The best thing to do is speak to a good lawyer that specializes in wills/trusts etc. and discuss your options (b/c you do have some). :)
BTW, if you haven't done so already, you should also try to find families that have adopted children (Muslim or non-Muslim) and speak to them about their experiences. Even the non-Muslim families can share experiences on how to help the child adjust, handle/reveal the fact that they were adopted, handle insensitive comments from outsides/extended family etc.
Oh good god... Adoption is allowed is Islam but there are a few guidelines. Key one is inheritance and the other is not hiding that the child is not biological offspring. There is no Islamic ruling against raising a child who is not your offspring in your home. Also, the inheritance is not just to protect the interests of those with an inherited e stake, but also so they don't oppose adoption as they protect their financial interests, and importantly the assets of the orphan too. Idea being you can't adopt the kids of some rich relative of friend or neighbour who died at war..and then since you have adopted the kid you have ownership of all the assets that are the right of that child.
Not sure what kind of god would pass a religious decree that you can't bring an abandoned infant home and raise her, but pay some orphanage instead for her to be raised in an institutional setting.
Does the rule change when it's a blood relatives kid? Sorry kiddo, I know I am your chacha and live in a mansion, but why don't you go stay at edhi center and we will send them some money each month.
When the essence of the message is lost and people do intellectual gymnastics on semantics, it gets rather amusing to watch. The ruling wrt Zayd was to provide specific guidelines and not of prohibition. The messaging was very focused on the topic of mehram issues which are bloodline related and would thus not be same as for someone who is not biologically if the family and bloodline.
Thanks for clearing that up. I always wondered why people say it isn't allowed.
Also why is that the parents who are adopting should get one of their relative to to breastfeed and not the adoptive mother? Isn't it easier if the adoptive mother does it that way all her children, biological or non are mehram.
Ofcourse if the adoptive mother is lactating at that time then she would breastfed herself. The chances of that would be pretty slim. Btw u do know that women can't lactate on demand right? (naturally, as in without any medication).
I still didn't get the answer to my question. If I breastfed a boy baby for my sister, my children are now mehram for the child but how r her children mehram for him?
Ofcourse if the adoptive mother is lactating at that time then she would breastfed herself. The chances of that would be pretty slim. Btw u do know that women can't lactate on demand right? (naturally, as in without any medication).
I still didn't get the answer to my question. If I breastfed a boy baby for my sister, my children are now mehram for the child but how r her children mehram for him?
If you breastfeed a child your sister adopted, he/she is mehram for your children and not your sister's children. The child will be like a cousin to them.
Also I am pretty sure Khalu is also non-mehram. The only mehram person for the child in that house would be your sister i.e. khala.
An example, if your sister has only boys, she can adopt another boy, you breastfeed the child and the adopted son will be mehram to your sister.
Thanks for explaining it so sensibly X2! That was the explanation I was looking for to discuss it with my dad. Exactly what Eastern said I was also thinking.
What if you bring a child home and don't breast feed at all? These rules sound like they may have been applicable way back when, not so much anymore. So many woman do not breast feed or cannot. What then? How do the rules apply? I too am not understanding the mehram thing because since when do people think twice about going in front of their nieces and nephews? Unless you observe those rules to a T (24/7 nicab/hujib except with your husband/immediate family, then I am not understanding that part. Are those the only reasons?
I am not sure what rules you are talking about but Islamic rules will not change with time !
There is no rule that you have to breastfeed a child when you adopt.
However I hug my brother, he gives me a peck on forehead, I sit with him etc which I do not do with my male cousins or my brother in laws.
I dont know this limit is just there for me, so if I have an adopted son, I would my daughter be able to sit with him, go places with him etc. It would be easier and possible if the adopted son was mehram and Islam actually provides a way to do it. So Islam rather makes it easier to adopt then not.
I also do not understand the stance that if you dont follow Islam to the T, you might as well leave whatever other part you are following as well.
As soon as adoption is mentioned people come up with mehram, inheritance points as if to discourage adoption. We have made adoption in Islam into a problem when actually it is encouraged in Islam to look after orphans.
Would like to hear opinions about adopting a 3-4 year old from an edhi home in Pakistan. Anyone done it?
Would any of you consider going for it? (Yes, the couple already has 3 kids, they're thinking of adopting a little boy as a naiki)
Would like to know whats the emotional impact on biological kids and other immediate family members.
this is very good thinking on part of the couple but few things to consider:
as you mention they want to adopt only as an act of naiki, and already have 3 kids of their own, i am afraid they would be able to love the adopted kid the same way they love their own kids.
most couples who adopt a child do so because they are childless and have that craving to be a parent. they have the yearning for the child and when they adopt someone it is merely for the purpose to be a parent so they love the adopted child unconditionally like they would have loved their biological child. but in the case you quoted the purpose is different and if after adopting they cant love or treat the child the same way it will have a poor impact on the child.
on impact on biological kids and other family members, i have known 4 families who have adopted the kids and all of the relatives welcome this step. one couple was blessed with the baby of their own after 5 plus years of the adopted child and no one can tell that the two kids are not real siblings or that one is an adopted kid.
Oh good god... Adoption is allowed is Islam but there are a few guidelines. Key one is inheritance and the other is not hiding that the child is not biological offspring.
/QUOTE]
can you elaborate that not hiding from whom? is this not hiding from your spouse, your immediate family or from the adopted kid.
because i always feel that if you tell the child that you have adopted him/her that could shatter her/his world. there are going to be thoughts like why my real parents put me up for adoption, the feeling of being worthless, the fight that starts within about the real identity etc, so is it really necessary that you reveal this fact to the kid or it is only preferred in Islam but not necessary?
-if they are Muslims *, they MUST know that adoption, as we know it, is NOT allowed in Islam...however, you are allowed to pay towards the child's sustenance.
-if they have young kids, better wait till they are a bit older
-if their kids are older, talk to them and get their sorta approval before adopting
-talk to the biological parents of 'to-be-adopted child and ask the reasons for their putting the child up for adoption
-the adoptive parents should make a WILL explaining who gets what after their deaths [according to Islam, the adopted child is NOT entitled to any inheritance].
that's all i can think of right now. may add later.
adding to that
The adopted kid would be na-mahram to their kids.
The adopted kid would be na-mahram to the mother/father*
Oh good god... Adoption is allowed is Islam but there are a few guidelines. Key one is inheritance and the other is not hiding that the child is not biological offspring.
/QUOTE]
can you elaborate that not hiding from whom? is this not hiding from your spouse, your immediate family or from the adopted kid.
because i always feel that if you tell the child that you have adopted him/her that could shatter her/his world. there are going to be thoughts like why my real parents put me up for adoption, the feeling of being worthless, the fight that starts within about the real identity etc, so is it really necessary that you reveal this fact to the kid or it is only preferred in Islam but not necessary?
You need to tell the child about adoption in an age appropriate way so that in a way the child always knows their adoption story. From what social workers and psychologists say it should be done in a way that the child always knows that they are adopted and not reveal it to them suddenly. Also you should highlight the positives as in how much joy they bring you and that even if someone else gave birth to them you are their parents because they were meant to make your family complete.
About other people they will probably know you adopted but you dnt have to tell random people all the details of the adoption just as you wouldn't tell random people intimate details of your family.
It is much worse for the child to find out (and find out they will) accidently and see it as something to be ashamed of.
its not only an Islamic requirement it is essential to acknowledge your child's past and in UK you wouldn't even get approved to adopt if you want to keep this a secret as hiding it can have much worse consequences.
I want to add my two cents, here. That is not to challenge anything but just to clarify some stuff.
Term breastfeeding has been loosely used here. The goal is to give the adopted kid, breast milk. He or she does not have to latch to a breast. Pumped milk in a glass would do just good. So if the kid is older, then give him or her couple of teaspoon of breast milk of a mehram lady.
Because the biggest reason behind adopting a kid is when you dont have one of your own, so if your sister has given him her milk, the kid is mehram for you also. For you to have your biological kids be mehram too, have your sister feed them too.
An Islamic will has no significance because Islamic laws of inheritance take over that will. Your will (if a jaa'ez will) is only applicable on one-third of your assets and the rest of your wealth will get distributed as mentioned in Quran. Though you can gift as much money to anyone in your life, so do that in case of adoption if there is a confusion. Of course this might only be applicable in Islamic countries. In non Islamic countries, will is just fine.
Someone said that a wife's breast milk does not make husband, her mehram, means nikah remains valid. This must be true, but I don't think that it sets an age limit of who can be razai maa of what age of a kid. So even if the adopted kid is older, he can be fed few tea spoons of mehram milk.
Now the last thing. What if no lactating mehram lady is available. I think the solution could be to find any lactating lady, and relevant members of the family drink couple of tea spoon of her milk. Mom and adopted son, or dad and adopted daughter. That will make the kid, sibling of the opposite gender parent, hence they will become mehram. This is not a fatwa, but a logical solution in my mind.