Hi everyone, Eid Mubarak to you all. I hope your Eid has gone by better than mine.
I need some advice.. My mother is extremely abusive and critical.
She calls me trash, insults my looks, tells me she regrets the day I was born among many other things.
When I offer to help out in the kitchen, she will find a hundred faults in what I did, and if there are no faults to be found she will tell me that she could have done it in half the time. Everything from my weight, to my choice of degree to my preference of roti over rice is a problem to her. Everything that she says is a criticism of some kind.
This morning she started shouting at me when I came downstairs for moving a kitchen pot in the store room to access the pots that were below it. Apparently there was oil in it and it MIGHT have spilled. She had accidentally put the pot in there, and I had no idea there was oil in it as the lid was covered, so instead of realising that this was no one’s mistake, she blamed me for it and started shouting at me. This started around 9 AM and has gone on till 3:30 PM.
This is just one of many such incidents. I have tried to explain to her many many times but she believes that she can never be wrong. This applies to all aspects of her life. When she remembers something, and someone else remembers differently, she will not even entertain the possibility that she may be the one who is mistaken.
My father and sister are scared of her and don’t stand up to her, and I used to keep quiet too, but of late it has become too much for me to handle.
Please someone give me some advice on how to handle this. I can’t live like this anymore..
you and your mom definitely need counselling. she may have some other reason behind her criticism and constant nagging that you may not even be aware of. it could be hiding deep inside her heart. is there any such thing in your knowledge or your dad's or anyone else for that matter.
it's not natural. mothers are supposed to love and nurture their children. there must be something inherently wrong with her. she may even need treatment.
you and your mom definitely need counselling. she may have some other reason behind her criticism and constant nagging that you may not even be aware of. it could be hiding deep inside her heart. is there any such thing in your knowledge or your dad's or anyone else for that matter.
it's not natural. mothers are supposed to love and nurture their children. there must be something inherently wrong with her. she may even need treatment.
Honestly, we don't know. My dad just complains about it behind her back, but says nothing to her face. I don't understand her at all, for brief moments she can be very sweet but she'll switch back to being mean without notice.
I am sorry you are going through this. Learn how to emotionally detach from her. I know it wont be easy but it works and it’s the only thing you can do given the circumstances. You can’t control other people but you can control yourself.
here are some links that might be useful.
It's tempting and easier said than done, but avoid arguing with your mom. It'll only fuel the tension. I could be wrong but it seems that your mom might be perfectionist? Maybe she has a fear of failure because and was raised by her own parents with the same critical eye. What do you think? Sometimes people don't know how to give something that they may not have received much of themselves. If your mom did not receive much praise, she may not know how to give it to others. Sooo....try praising her and appreciating her and showing her affection without expecting the same from her. They say you attract people more with honey than vinegar. You have to be patient with it because change won't come quickly. So, try this first.
If the above doesn't work or hasn't worked and you've given it your best effort, see if you can talk to your dad about the three of you confronting your mom together. It may be less scary to do it this way. You say that your attempts at explaining to her have failed, so maybe when she sees that all three of you are concerned...it might send a stronger wake-up-call. What about speaking to your nani, khala, mamu to see if they might be able to talk to your mom. BUT the risk with this approach is that your mom might feel embarrassed that members outside of the immediate family were involved. That said, it's better to first limit the problem to only members of your own household.
If you are able to get through to your mom...and inshaAllah you will...understand that it will take time for her to change. So, you'll have to do some things to maintain your own sanity. For example, if you decide to learn how to cook something from your mom....remind yourself that you're only doing this to learn and not to seek approval from her. Don't seek approval from her for everything. It's hard not to do that...but even if you and your mom had the most prefect relationship...you both still would not agree on everything because you're still two different individuals with different preferences/styles/etc etc. Moms and daughters will not see eye-to-eye on everything that 's okay. So, don't make her your sole source of approval because you can receive encouragement from other close sources such as dad, sister, etc. And alongside trying all of the above, make dua for your mom.
If she suddenly become like this then maybe depressed
But if she has been like this ever since you know her, maybe she doesnt like how her life turn out to be, residence/marriage life, etc etc , not integrated