Ok awhile back someone posted about needing advice to help a friend in an abusive relationship… I recently found this ..it’s very long but I think it’s very important and could really help someone
…
There’s No Excuse for Domestic Violence
Domestic Abuse Hotline: Life Line: 1-800-909-1606
(The Life Line is an operational 24-hour resource number for women.
Referrals to counselors, clinics, shelters, legal services, job
training, and childcare are available. Besides English, our
volunteers speak 12 languages: Arabic, Farsi, Urdu, Hindi, Punjabi,
Sinhala, Tagalog, Pampango, Turkish, Kurdish, Spanish, and French).
Stepping Together: http://www.steppingtogether.org/
Ending Domestic Violence in Muslim Families
(reprinted with permission from the author)
BY SHARIFA ALKHATEEB
To every gathering of Muslim women, Maria* added a smile. She came to
Islam early, marrying a Muslim man and accepting the religion at 13
years old. She embraced it wholeheartedly, learning from the sisters
as she went along. By age nineteen, she became the mother of a much-
beloved baby boy. She and her son attended Jumu’ah prayers every
Friday.
When the women decided to gather in one another’s homes two Saturdays
a month, Maria made an effort to come to each meeting. By this time,
her son was nearly two years old, and Maria was separated from her
husband and living with her non-Muslim mother. Often, the talk turned
to the difficulties of marriage. Maria listened, sympathized, and
smiled. One day, the sisters decided to organize a retreat to discuss
family issues.
At the retreat, Maria and the 15 or so other women talked, laughed,
and shared a potluck brunch. They began to discuss the topic of
marriage. Maria had a question. She wanted to know how a woman knows
when her divorce is final. As the women focused on Maria’s question,
she told them her horror story of suffering, abuse, being divorced,
taken back, divorced again, lied to, and finally stalked by her
husband. He told her the divorce was final one day, and the next day
that it was not final, and that it was her Islamic duty to obey him
in everything. She remained Muslim, but did not know enough of her
new religion to assert her rights. Her tires had been slashed, her
home watched, her peace threatened, and she was afraid.
The sisters were shocked. They should not have been.
According to a survey of the 63 Muslim community workers, leaders,
and individuals done in 1993 by the North American Council for Muslim
Women, domestic violence (including everything from hitting to
incest) against Muslim women and children occurred in ten percent of
the population of Muslims. If verbal and psychological abuse were
added to this, the figure would rise considerably. By comparison,
seven percent of American women in general were physically abused,
and 37% were verbally or emotionally abused in 1993, according to the
Family Violence Prevention Fund. A comprehensive study in 1993 by the
Commonwealth Fund found that in one year alone nearly four million
American women suffered abuse at the hands of their husbands or male
friends, and that a woman is abused every nine seconds. The Family
Violence Prevention Fund also reports that 34% of men and women have
directly witnessed an act of domestic violence. This number is higher
than the combined numbers of adults who have witnessed robberies or
muggings!
Maria continued to attend the sisters’ meetings as the sisters began
to focus on the problem of domestic violence in their community. She
was not the only victim. The sisters protested to their Imam when
they discovered that a community leader involved with their children
had used violence against his wife. It became obvious to them that
some community education was in order. Meanwhile, Maria’s ex-husband
had begun to frequent another Muslim community in the area, but
continued to alternately harass her and then to entice her to
continue her relationship with him. He began to use their son as a
way to gain access to her, and he continued to disturb her sense of
security and to assess his control over her.
Authoritarian Family Structures Lead to Abuse and Violence
An authoritarian family structure predisposes many Muslims in America
to be abused in some way and possibly to become the victims of
violence. Generally, husband’s dominance’s in the family structure,
the more likely wife and child abuse become. In the most abusive
homes, the father believes and socializes his wife and children to
believe that whatever he wants the family to do is the same as what
Allah wants them to do. He, in effect, makes himself into something
of a god.
Of the eight to ten million Muslims in America, more than half are
African-American, a small but growing number are European American,
and the rest are immigrants (first, second, or third generation) from
Middle Eastern, Southwest Asian, and other countries.
African American Muslim families suffer from the influence of the
overwhelming incidences of abuse and violence in the general society
and from the historical experience of slavery, which encouraged
fractured families. While African-Americans who have been Muslim for
many years are as self-directed as any community, new Muslim families
who are searching for stability and morality often look to the
immigrant communities for leadership and mentoring. Unfortunately,
the most negative behavioral common denominator between the African-
American and the immigrant Muslim communities is a socialization
process which presents the parents, particularly the father, as
having the last word on everything, and teaches children to be
unquestioningly obedient as part of their devotion to faith.
The overwhelming majority of immigrant Muslims come from repressive
countries where political power is held by officials who secure or
maintain their leadership through unethical, un-Islamic, and
sometimes brutal means. These tyrannical governments tend to produce
extended families and societies where only the man at the top can
pronounce what is right or wrong, what is acceptable or unacceptable,
and who is good or bad. Muslim American immigrants fleeing oppressive
governments may not yet have realized that their own family dynamics
are a microcosm of the tyranny and despotism they so actively oppose,
and mistakenly think a tyrannical family structure is an Islamic one.
The atmosphere in too many of these families is repressive, non-
communicative, top-down, and male-dominated, where the leadership
title that is worn is primary and which never allows or plans for
asking why or how the family functions.
Surprisingly, in the homes of most Muslims, focusing on the rules and
desires of the parents almost always takes precedence over any focus
on Allah. Most Muslim parents do not give their children any Qur’anic
proof behind their opinions, do not allow themselves to be
questioned, and no not invite discussion or reflection on ideas even
though Allah continuously instructs Muslims to think and to reflect.
Parents rarely see the connection between parents (instead of Allah)
as the focus of the family structure, and shirk associating partners
with Allah.
What, Exactly, Constitutes Abuse or Violence?
In order to end domestic violence, we must understand what it is that
we are dealing with. The Family Violence Prevention Fund described
abuse as “a pattern of purposeful behaviors, directed at achieving
compliance from or control over, the victim.” When these escalate to
violence, creating “domestic violence,” the definition becomes, “a
pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical,
sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion that
adults or adolescents use against their intimate partner.”
According to the US Department of Justice report in 1991, men against
women commit 95% of assaults on spouses or ex-spouses. (Abused
females may also abuse their children, and are sometimes the primary
abusers.)
Most of the control mechanisms used by potential batterers that can
escalate to violence are so common among Muslim families that they
are not seen as threats to the family’s existence; minimizing the
victim’s complaints, denying the abuse, and blaming the victim,
isolating the victim from family and friends, intimidation, so-
called “joking” about marrying a second wife, and emotional abuse
such as name calling and degrading remarks in the presence of her
children or guests. While none of this behavior is consistent with
the teachings of the Qur’an or the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad,
few parents ever make the mental connection between this behavior and
abuse. In fact, many abuse parents will say they are
just “maintaining the discipline of the family.”
In most cases, after an episode of violence, the abuser says he is
sorry, may ask for forgiveness, and promises not to repeat the
behavior. Women may stay because they hope for change, still love the
person, or are afraid of losing their children; they often leave only
when they perceive imminent danger to their children. Sadly, all
research proves that children from abuse homes are equally affected
permanently whether or not they are victims themselves. Maria
continued to be confused about her relationship as she tried to sort
out her Islamic duties, what was best for her son, and her own
feelings. The Imam pointed out that Islamically she should stay away
from her ex-husband, and said that he did not know what she expected
from him, since she had not followed his advice.
When an incidence of abuse or violence is reported to someone in the
Muslim community, the general response is to avoid “interfering” in
family affairs. Some Muslims believe it is the man’s Allah-given
right to abuse his wife and children in any way he sees fit. Others,
like the Imam in Maria’s community, recognize the behavior as
Islamically unacceptable, but have no training in the areas of
domestic violence counseling, and do not know how to intervene
effectively and legally. Many Imams, though, blame the situation on
the wife.
Most people just hope the problem will go away. When it does not, the
entire Muslim community suffers; the existence of abuse convinces a
community that they are ineffective and unable to protect women.
Maria fell back into silence about her own experiences, but presented
the sisters with information about Sisters of Peace, a group of
Muslim women in Philadelphia organized to combat domestic violence in
their community.
What is the Islamic Stance on Violence Against Women?
Under no circumstances is violence against women encouraged or
allowed. The holy Qur’an contains tens of verses extolling good
treatment of women. Several specifically enjoin kindness to women
(2:229-237; 4:19; 4:25). These verses make it clear that the
relationship between men and women is to be one of kindness, mutual
respect, and caring. Some verses, where Allah calls men and
women “protecting friends of one another,” refer to the mandated
atmosphere of mutual kindness and mercy in the marital home (30:21;
9:71). Others show disapproval of oppression or ill treatment of
women. Surah two, ayah 231 condemns taking women back after a
separation in order to hurt them; Surah four, ayah 15 specifies
taking an oath against a wife rather than doing violence to her if a
husband suspects adultery; Surah four, ayah 19 prohibits forces
marriages; Surah four, ayah 29 prohibits deliberately causing a wife
suspense or insecurity; Surah five, ayah 92 removes the legal effect
from oaths against wives made in anger; and Surah 17, ayat 90-91
require the fulfillment of oaths, verbal agreements, and commitments.
Even in the case of divorce, spouses are instructed to bring an
arbiter from each side of the family to attempt reconciliation
(4:35). If this fails, the instruction is to get back together with
dignity and fairness, or to part on good terms (2:229 and 231).
Anyone who violates the limits set by Allah is labeled
a “transgressor” in the Qur’an.
Added to these verses is the inescapable fact that the Prophet
vehemently disapproved of men hitting their wives, and that he never
in his entire life lit any woman or child. In the Prophet’s last
sermon, he exhorted men to “be kind to women-you have rights over
your wives, and they have rights over you.” He also said, “Treat your
women well, and be kind to them, for they are your partners and
committed helpers,” and at a different time, he said, “The strong man
is not the one who can use the force of physical strength, but the
one who controls his anger” (Bukhari).
Very important are those verses that give women the right to self-
supervision. Surah five, ayah 44 instructs believers to, “Have no
fear of people; fear Me.” Surah 33, ayah 35 promises heaven to men
and women who individually guard their chastity (or modesty)."
In the abusive mindset, all of these verses and hadith are ignored,
and males misquote two specific verses and one hadith to justify
complete control of females. The worst interpretations go so far as t
assert that a woman is mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and
spiritually permanently disabled, and is prone to immorality, putting
her in constant need of male supervision.
The most abused verse is ayah 34 of Surah four: “Men are the
protectors and maintainers of women because Allah gave them more to
the one than the other, and because they support them from their
means. So devout women are extremely careful and attentive in
guarding what cannot be seen in that which Allah is extremely careful
and attentive in guarding. Concerning women whose rebellious
(nushooz) you fear, admonish them, then refuse to share their beds,
then hit them; but if they become obedient, no not seem means of
annoyance against them. For Allah is Most High, Great.” This
translation charges men with the task of financially and physically
protecting and caring for their wives and families, since Allah has
made men physically stronger than women, which is the interpretation
of most scholars. Women, in return for that care, should be careful
in guarding their fidelity and morality at all times when no one can
see them in obedience to Allah. Instructions are then given regarding
women who rebelliously ignore Allah’s commands about sexual fidelity
and become sexually disloyal to their husbands.
The husband is instructed first to admonish his wife (talk to her),
and then to refuse to share her bed. Should those measures fail, the
last instruction is often translated as “hit her,” (or “lightly tap
her,” when the sunnah of the Prophet is considered). Some translators
assert that it is incorrect to translate the word “hit” at all, based
on the Prophet’s lifelong abhorrence of hitting women, seen in his
statement, “Never hit the handmaids of Allah” (found in the hadith
collections of Abu Daud, Nasa’l, Ibn Hibban, and Bayhaqi), and in his
instructions in his last sermon where he restrict striking to a light
tap (ghayr muharrib - without causing pain) only if the wife has
become guilty of nushooz, obvious immoral conduct. The term nushooz
is applicable to men as well (4:128).
The wording of this verse emphasizes the woman’s obedience to Allah’s
desires, and not to those of another human being, but those who
misinterpret this verse would assign men the duty of being eternal
surveillance police over their wives. This verse has been so
misunderstood that it is not uncommon for husbands to prevent their
wives from going to the corner store, to attend births, deaths, or
marriages, to see doctors, seek education, or even to visit their
parents without express permission. This verse has also been used to
underpin the mistaken belief that the qawwama of men as protectors
and maintainers of their wives not only implies unquestionable
obedience to men as individuals but also that only men may lead women
in any aspect of life whatsoever on any level. In short, this verse
has been used as a tool of control and abuse completely opposed to
the Islamic foundation of marriage and family.
Another misused verse is ayah 53 of Surah 33: “O you who believe,
enter not the dwellings of the Prophet for a meal without waiting for
the proper time…and when you ask of them (his wives) anything, ask
of them from behind a curtain. That is purer for your hearts and
their hearts…it is not for you to cause annoyance to the messenger
of Allah, nor may you ever marry his wives after him. That in Allah’s
sight would be an enormity.” The verse is obviously directed at
Muslim men describing their property conduct only with the wives of
the Prophet. It continues, however, to the main reason that some
Muslims believe that men and women must be separate in all spaces,
and an excuse for some men to claim that all public space belongs to
men alone. This is erroneous. The instruction relates only to the
wives of the Prophet, and to proper behavior in the Prophet’s house.
Those who want to apply this verse to all Muslim women never assert
that all Muslim women may not marry after the deaths of their
husbands (although in practice, that is exactly what is expected of
women in some Muslim societies according to their un-Islamic
customs). Confining women to the kitchens of their houses during
dinner parties, relegating women to back rooms with inadequate or
absent audio hookup in most mosques, or worse, banning women from
mosques, and bans by political authorities in some countries against
women going to school, all come from warped interpretations of the
previously mentioned verses.
A hadith often used in the control of women reads: “Women, when they
travel a far distance, should have a muhrim with them.” At the time
of the Prophet, traveling even 40 miles could be very dangerous since
roads were full of bandits and law consisted of each tribe’s
different rules and regulations. Rule of law that crossed tribal
boundaries, and was consistent with a new concept in 7th century
Arabia introduced by Islam. Today a women can travel halfway across
the world by airplane in 19 hours, and remain safely among large
groups of people at all times. Yet this hadith continues to be sued,
even by a few Muslim leaders in large US cities, to prevent Muslim
women from going from one city to another, from one part of the city
to another, or from leaving the doorways of their apartments, alone.
The real question is, did the Prophet practice, encourage, or even
condone surveillance and control behaviors towards women? He never
did. Knowing this, it is up to each individual Muslim, as husband and
wife, as extended family member, or as community member, to shape
morally, ethically, psychologically, and physically sale and healthy
society where families can raise happy and contributing members of
society.
Ending the Violence: Where Do Muslims Begin?
Let there be zero tolerance for abuse and violence against women! The
words of a famous ad campaign state, “There’s no excuse for domestic
violence.” If we hold this in mind, the future for battered women
will be a positive one.
Research shows that the more we are exposed to violence against
women, the less we are upset by it. Muslim women need to improve
their knowledge of their own faith, and then reclaim their right to
define themselves in the light of the Qur’an and the Sunnah, instead
of by customary practices, traditions, extremist viewpoints, or those
who believe Muslim women need to be saved from themselves.
Families need to maintain open lines of communication between all of
their members; regular family meetings where everyone is allowed to
express themselves without any recriminations are helpful. Marriage
must be seen as a partnership, and marriage contracts should specify
a commitment to an abuse, free and violence-free family. The parents
must ask of their children only that which is good and which conforms
to Qur’anically based concepts. Extended families must stop covering
up abuse, violence, and incest in the name of “preserving the family
honor.” Above all, the family, like the individual must keep Allah as
its focus.
The Family Violence Prevention Division in Canada this year published
a full report on family violence. Of great significance to Muslims is
the need they identified to “reconceptualize power in a way that
distinguished between creative and violating power and that more
directly expands the focus on power to move beyond power dynamics in
individual relationships to power structures.” This thinking should
be taken from the personal level to the global level. Communities
need to see individual cases of family violence in the light of the
nature of the global power structure, and that of the community as a
whole, to discover whether the community power structure is actually
promoting a license to batter.
Imams must be protectors of women’s safety by example, avoid blaming
wives, and recognize when they do not have the expertise to truly
help women who are battered. Community members should be encouraged
to obtain profession training and degrees in counseling. The
community is responsible to develop protocols for handling problems
of domestic violence, network with existing Muslim and non-Muslim
agencies that can provide training or referrals, and set up safe
houses for battered women and children.
At least twice a year, each mosque or community center should present
an Abuse and Domestic Violence Awareness Program for Muslim Families
that will teach risk identification, abuse and violence
identification, safety planning for possible situations, safety
planning for unsupervised visits by a batterer, problem solving
techniques, and information on counseling available for battered
women and their families. Muslim community activists, lawyers, and
counselors should meet in each city to develop protocols addressed to
their specific community which will allow for early identification of
abuse and a willingness to deal with the situation in order to
protect the victims from further abuse or victim blaming. Wherever
possible, shelters and Muslim family service agencies should be put
into place.
In 1993, the North American Council for Muslim Women was the first
national Muslim organization of any kind to discuss Abuse and
Violence Against Women and Children during a national convention. In
1995 in Plainfield, Indiana, and the following year in Chicago, the
Islamic Society of North America held conferences for social service
providers that addressed several subjects including family
counseling, divorce and children’s issues, and the last one was
attended by over 200 providers. (Rafia Syeed coordinates this work,
telephone 317-839-8157.)
Contact Us:
Stepping Together, Inc.
PO Box 16028
Oakland, CA 94610-6028
(510) 317-0383 phone/fax
(800) 909-1606 24hr LifeLine
RESOURCES ON THE INTERNET: http://www.steppingtogether.org/links.html
For Counseling advise, please contact:
Shahed Amanullah: [email protected]
Farhan Memon: [email protected]