ABCD's & the Arranged Marriages

Lifestyle Relationships
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Short, fat, pimply, dark, homely 25 year old Punjabi boy with American Citizenship seeks hot, tall, slim, sexy doctor or engineer who can cook, clean, and sew. Must be owning properties in India, and willing to live with my family in Queens, New York.

What is it about this so called concept of “Arranged Marriages” that American Born Desis are constantly being coerced to consider and even give in to? And why are some ABCD’s actually being brainwashed by society into thinking that this is a good way to consummate a marriage! It’s amazing actually. An arranged marriage defies everything an American Desi stands for, yet everyday, another one bites the bullet.
What is an arranged marriage? A dictionary definition might say “A marriage where the groom and bride are chosen by there families based on requirements rather than a mutual love or attraction.” But what do words mean? Nothing. I’ll tell you the REAL definition of an arranged marriage.
Arranged Marriage: A binding agreement between two families that is recognized and approved of by society in which;

  1. A man is able to obtain a maid who can cook, clean, and satisfy his sexual needs.

  2. A woman is able to rid herself of the black stigma society gives her when she is without a man. A woman is now allowed to have her freedom within the confines of her marriage.

  3. A family is able to possibly attain things such as greater wealth, respect, status, or business partnerships.
    I’m sure your eyebrows are raised in skepticism by now, but if you don’t believe me, go look at any Indian Classified ad. People aren’t even subtle about it anymore. They straight up sell there children for material goods. Marriage isn’t a marriage in this case; it’s an exchange of wealth for your soul.
    So is an arranged marriage a bad thing? No, not necessarily. I think that in certain places such as India where society has strict rules that the population is expected to live by, arranged marriage is the norm and should be followed. My question is why the heck do we have arranged marriages taking place in the United States? Why are kids who are born and raised in America having arranged marriages? It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
    An American Desi is born here, raised here, and lives in the American society. This Indian-American goes out and makes friends; he embraces the culture and does what all other Americans do. He goes clubbing, he bar hops, he dates, and he’s probably even sexually active. Hey, it’s the American way of life; don’t deny it. Why is he doing all of this? What motivates him to go out and spend so much time and effort on a Friday night? Love, attraction, and sexuality. These are the three basic things that everybody in society is after. Why do we go after these things? To ultimately find a person that we love so we can hopefully get married to them.
    In American society, marriage is when a man and woman who have strong feelings of love, trust, understanding, and friendship find each other and decide they want to share the rest of there lives together. In this definition of marriage, there is no checklist of requirements outside of human emotions. The only prerequisite is love.
    What a hypocrisy it is, this concept of Arranged marriages in America. The ABCD is raised American, goes out of his way to be American, and then suddenly at the age of 25 turns into an Indian from an ancient village? Why does he go out and date? Why does he try to find someone he’s attracted to? What is the point of doing this when you are going to settle for someone you don’t even know? Why not just sit at home until you turn 26 and then let your parents marry you off. It’s how it works in the villages, why immerse your self in American Culture anyway?
    “…she was born and raised in America, quit trying to get her married to someone who was born and raised in India.”
    What about the “Modified” arranged marriages you ask? Codswap I say… Modified my ass. Here’s a common argument heard among Desis…
    Oh, arranged marriages now days aren’t like the old fashioned ones. My parents introduced me to someone and we are allowed to date or get to know each other before we decide.
    Why is that theory full of rubbish? Let me state thy ways. If you think, for even a moment, that when your parents introduce you to someone, you can actually date them for the required amount of time it takes to actually get to KNOW someone, and THEN dump them (because they’re not right for you) you’ve got another thing coming buddy. How long do we normally date someone before we really know they are the right person to spend the rest of our lives with? For some it may take only a moment, but on average people can date anywhere from 6 months to 2 years (or even longer) before they decide that someone is right for them. If you go on more then 3 dates with someone a parent has introduced to you, the parents are going to start seeing wedding bells and its going to be extremely embarrassing for both families when you decide to dump the other person. And while that’s happening, you’ll also probably be marked with a bad reputation. Aren’t arranged marriages just great?
    What is it with Indian parents thinking that we ABCD’s are ok with picking spouses as if we were going grocery shopping? We’re not picking onions and potatoes people, we are trying to find life partners to share our lives with. Who CARES if they have 3 farms in India or if they have a green card? Have some dignity and choose someone that you love, not someone who meets standard requirements!
    When are you going to get married? You are getting so old you won’t be able to find a husband. Why haven’t you found anyone yet? All of your friends have boyfriends, why can’t you find someone to marry too? I know this great boy from India who is an engineer let me introduce you to him. How many times does a single woman or man have to hear questions like these?
    What is with this narrow minded mentality about a woman not being able to live a life as a single entity? Stop harassing, stop questioning, and stop trying to force some poor girl to spend the rest of her life with some yahoo she’s only met twice! And for GODS SAKE… she was born and raised in America, quit trying to get her married to someone who was born and raised in India. They have NOTHING IN COMMON.
    If you can’t find someone to love and marry, do you have to resort to just getting ANYONE… because it’s better to be married to a clown than to be alone? Why do people think marriage and finding a man is so easy? Do you think you can just pick a marriage partner the way you pick up soap at Target? Is it THAT easy to fall in love and find someone you want to share the rest of your life with? To find someone who you can joke with, make love to, and raise your children with? You can’t pick up some random person you’ve known for three days and make a MARRIED LIFE with them. That’s like going to roommates.com and picking a life partner. It’s ridiculous.
    Marriage is not a social arrangement. Marriage is not a business deal. Marriage is the union of two old souls who have finally found each other after an eternity. If you don’t find someone you trust and love with your life, then keep searching, and never settle for an arranged marriage.
    If you want to have an arranged marriage, go back and live in Dhirpur, India where women are still considered second class citizens, and socializing with the opposite sex is forbidden. If you want an arranged marriage, then live the life that LEADS to an arranged marriage. Why are you being American in any way at all?

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Re: ABCD's & the Arranged Marriages

The faults that you list with arranged marriages would better be defined as "the problems with arranged marriages when undertaken by people with backwards mindets".

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Re: ABCD's & the Arranged Marriages

How old are you?

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Re: ABCD's & the Arranged Marriages

Based on what I have seen majority of arranged marriages are not arranged in the sense that te choice is dictated by families, but where families just serve in a role to arrange introductions.

the arranged marriages on one extreme are where someone has no day who the family picks for them, on te othe end is essentially family sponsored dating. and the rest is in between.

majority seems to be arranged introductions in events, home or small group outings with friends etc where ppl evaluate one another and see if they click.

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Re: ABCD's & the Arranged Marriages

I read your points 1 and 2 - but the third one you need to summarize

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Re: ABCD's & the Arranged Marriages

just to add on the arranged introductions piece..this whole point of u need 6 months - 2 years to know somoene enough to know if they are right for you in hogwash.it takes time and a number of meetings, but after a while the meetings have diminishing marginal returns, I am really not going to find anything important enough in the 10th month of knowing someone that I did not notice in month 3.

yeah yanks may spend 2 years and even live with each other before getting married but the high dovorce rate goes to show that its not a foolproof and sure bet approach.

If you know what you are looking for and what are no nos, u can figure out if someone meets your basic criteria and then you see if you click and secondary criteria. and a few months are more than enough.

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Re: ABCD's & the Arranged Marriages

I can see where you are coming from and I agree with many points.

Btw, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post. You write very well!

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I concur.

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I second that!

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[QUOTE]

An American Desi is born here, raised here, and lives in the American society. This Indian-American goes out and makes friends; he embraces the culture and does what all other Americans do. He goes clubbing, he bar hops, he dates, and he's probably even sexually active. Hey, it's the American way of life; don't deny it. Why is he doing all of this? What motivates him to go out and spend so much time and effort on a Friday night? Love, attraction, and sexuality. These are the three basic things that everybody in society is after. Why do we go after these things? To ultimately find a person that we love so we can hopefully get married to them.
[/QUOTE]

you really are a CONFUSED desi if you actually believe the last part- they do that so they can fit in, look cool among their friends, and have a good time. brown people don't party to find their soulmate- they party becuase it's fun, and most of the time, guys will never end up marrying the girls the sleep with- the girls are just that: the girls they sleep with- not the ones they want to marry.

[quote]
What a hypocrisy it is, this concept of Arranged marriages in America. The ABCD is raised American, goes out of his way to be American, and then suddenly at the age of 25 turns into an Indian from an ancient village? Why does he go out and date? Why does he try to find someone he's attracted to? What is the point of doing this when you are going to settle for someone you don't even know? Why not just sit at home until you turn 26 and then let your parents marry you off. It's how it works in the villages, why immerse your self in American Culture anyway?
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yes if you plan on getting married by your parent's choice, it would be more prudent to never date. I know you meant it sarcastically, but really he shouldn't. But they do- again because they want to fit in, and also people like dating- (most) men love women, and women love men. Then, after they spend their youth in pleasure, they want to settle down with a "good girl" or shareef guy because these people make better spouses. How do you meet one of these girls/guys? well these shareef people don't date and go to clubs where there is drinking and dancing. They will be presented by their parents as an arranged match.

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When are you going to get married? You are getting so old you won't be able to find a husband. Why haven't you found anyone yet? All of your friends have boyfriends, why can't you find someone to marry too? I know this great boy from India who is an engineer let me introduce you to him. How many times does a single woman or man have to hear questions like these?
[/quote]

it's true, though, that the longer you wait, the fewer good people are left. Especially if you intend on marrying brown. You are part of this culture, and you have to embrace it all. If you like watching bollywood movies, like indian food, and like wearing indian clothes, then you have to put up with things you don't like, such as marriage involving the families as much as it does the husband and wife. And if you are older, there's a higher chance your age will affect the family's perception of you.

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What is with this narrow minded mentality about a woman not being able to live a life as a single entity? !
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It's really hard for women to live a single life, socially and biologically. Women usually have a natural tendency to want kids. And by the time you realize what you want, it's too late. So many TV shows in america portray female characters that have high positions, and now they're 35 and they haven't found that perfect someone yet, and they dont' know if they'll ever, and they want to adopt. Do you want to be one of those? is that how you see your life? or do you see a loving husband, and you having your own kid, with him? Because if it's the latter, then that's hard to come by when you're hitting your mid 30s.

[quote]

Marriage is not a social arrangement. Marriage is not a business deal. Marriage is the union of two old souls who have finally found each other after an eternity. If you don't find someone you trust and love with your life, then keep searching, and never settle for an arranged marriage.
[/quote]

Sometimes you find these people in the person you're married to. You have a very disney/hollywood/tv/movie, basically unrealistic view of love. Not everyone, even in so-called love marriages, love each other before marriage so much that they trust with their life. Sometimes it takes being married to someone, having a family, growing together for that bond to form. You think that you have only one soulmate that you'll find in once in a lifetime? No, there are hundreds of people that would make a good match with you.

Also, only in christianity is the concept of marriage the "union of two souls". In islam, a marriage is a contract between two individuals, a promise to Allah swt to be good muslims and fulfill their roles as husband and wife.

[QUOTE]
If you want to have an arranged marriage, go back and live in Dhirpur, India where women are still considered second class citizens, and socializing with the opposite sex is forbidden. If you want an arranged marriage, then live the life that LEADS to an arranged marriage. Why are you being American in any way at all?
[/QUOTE]

In islam, mingling with the opposite sex is forbidden, as much for men as it is for women- note i said MINGLING- we are supposed to lower our gaze, act modestly, and keep contacts strictly business, but not treat each other as second class citizens. and I agree with the last part- if you plan on arranged, don't spend time dating just because it's a good time. I don't like that you're using American as the adjective- Just live a life without dating and clubbing, if you want to marry someone who doesn't date or go dancing and clubs.