The CIA intercepted this email today
From: Bin Laden, Osama
Sent: Wednesday, November 14, 2001
To: Cavemates
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys, it’s me again. We’ve all been putting in long hours but we’ve really come together as a group and I love that.
Big shout out to Omar for putting up the poster that says “There is no I in team” as well as the one that says “When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going” That cat is right on. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can’t forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it’s good to be concerned about bunker busters, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don’t want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I’ve posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.
Second, it’s not often I make a video address for Al Jazeera but when I do, please remember that I’m trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, OK? That means that while we’re taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background (just while we’re taping)? Thanks.
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we’re not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We’re all in this together.
Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote “Osama” on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That’s all I’m saying.
Finally, we’ve gotten some intelligence recently that indicates there may be CIA agents in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Akbar and Jimmy.
Love you lots.
Osama