A Moment That Changed Me.....

Muzna · May 12, 2016, 4:41pm

Worth the read…

On Valentine’s Day 2008, with a clarity that was long overdue, I left an abusive relationship. The hearts, the flowers, Barry White on the radio – they all brought things into sharp focus. For three years I’d been paralysed with doubt. That’s the insidiousness of it. By degrees, like a frog being boiled – before you know it, you’re soup.

When it’s good, he’s charming: holds your hand in public, and lets you share his sweets in the cinema. When it’s bad: the constant criticism, the sulks, the explosive rages, the intimidation, the isolation – it’s so relentless, lonely and bewildering, you start to doubt reality. “Maybe it is me?” you think. You say sorry. Try harder.

We are blind to an epidemic of domestic abuse
Joan Smith
Read more
It took time to see how scared I was, to realise how my sense of self had disappeared. The shame was awful. I lost my high-flying job due to “stress”; and worse, I lost my confidence. I was financially dependent, utterly confused. “Couples therapy” turned into two against one. I’m not sure what was more traumatic: being shouted at by the therapist, or the huge rows that ensued when we got home.

“Why doesn’t she just leave?” is an ignorant question. There is a pattern to abuse: how it starts, escalates, and how it messes with your mind. My ex never hit me (threatened to, yes), but abuse is not just physical violence. According to Refuge, it is, “the repeated, random and habitual use of intimidation to control a partner … If you are forced to alter your behaviour because you are frightened … you are being abused.”

In the UK, the police receive a domestic violence call every minute; every three days, a woman is murdered. Maybe you work with one of these women, or say hi at the school gate; maybe she’s your friend.

My friend’s worst beating was with her newborn baby in her arms. Thrown down the stairs, her head bounced off the patio doors, her nose exploded from the force of his boot. She now helps other survivors (she helped me more than she knows), and is happily engaged to a good man. Her ex still threatens her, using access to his son to harass her. She logs everything with a solicitor; she has taken her power back.

There will be one significant, early red flag, so at odds with the man you thought you were dating, it won’t compute
Here’s what I’ve learned since I left:

Constant anxiety is not because you are neurotic, it’s called FEAR – listen to it.

Telling yourself that “all men are *******s” will keep you with the ******* you’re with – “all” men are decidedly not *******s, most are decent, some are really special.

Minimising his outrageous behaviour with: “all relationships have their ups and downs” will keep you in the ****ty relationship you are in.

Charm is integral, look out for red flags – coming on too strong; using words like “always” and “forever”; calling all the time; turning up unannounced; keeping you so busy with romantic surprises that you don’t see your friends; bombarding you with presents; buying you a new phone (to check where you are, or even to track the GPS); picking out your clothes. We’re conditioned to see this as romance, but it’s control.

There will be one significant, early red flag, so at odds with the nice man you thought you were dating, it won’t compute. Mine? He sent me a barrage of abusive texts late at night in fluent Spanish (I don’t speak Spanish). By the time I got up the next morning, his apology was already in my inbox. Anyone telling you to “detach with love” and “work on your boundaries” or to “stop playing the victim” is not your friend. You are being victimised. I’m all for boundaries, but they are futile against a bulldozer.

Many people, including professionals, will collude with his excuses. But he’s not doing it because he’s drunk, stressed, insecure, had a terrible cheating ex, is mentally ill, or because his mother dropped him on his head when he was a baby. He’s doing it because he feels he has a right to do it. This is because he has certain beliefs about women which are fully supported by our culture. He’s a misogynist – simple. Millions of men are stressed, heartbroken, insecure, bonkers, and addicted, some even have really awful girlfriends, and they don’t abuse people or hate women.

We are the men of a childhood where the monsters of family violence were real
Anonymous
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Your real friends won’t tell you until it’s really bad; they will listen to you endlessly complain, agonise, and cry. They will watch in dismay as you smooth it over, or worse, get engaged. If you are extremely lucky, one of them might eventually say, “you sound like a battered wife” (do I?) and blast you out of your paralysis.

All those fears you have that you’re unlovable, stupid, useless, ugly, fat, unemployable, and too sensitive are not true. They are the consequences of living with a woman-hating wazzock who will only resort to violence when his other tactics start to fail. Many men never use their fists; they don’t need to.

You are not alone. According to a poll, 33% of women go through this – it’s nothing to do with your background, your socioeconomic group, or your religion: it’s because you are a woman. Being a woman is not a crime, unlike domestic abuse. Remember that leaving is the most dangerous time; he’s likely to up the ante. Get support. Many men are extremely persuasive after you’ve gone; be prepared for promises and threats, for the friends he’s enlisted to tell you they’ve “never seen anyone so cut up, he really does love you”. You need a plan.

It’s called a “breakup” because it’s broken. The beautiful, liberating, wonderful day is coming when you’ll have him out of your system; you will wake up one morning and feel happy and free.

I still don’t know what love is, but I know it’s not warm and fuzzy feelings – it’s actions, it’s what you do. I still like men, I love male company, I have some great friends. I still want to love and be loved. There have been new relationships since I left, but men scare me a little. It’s going to be a special guy who takes my guard down – who will be patient as I flap about in the big blue yonder, and panic. I hope I meet him. But I’m not a half, looking for my whole. I don’t need looking after. But to lean in a little, we all need that. The way I see it, any man worth my time is already a feminist; he may not think of it that way, but he is. Decent men respect women, have got that whole macho v masculine thing figured out. I take heart from my favourite Maya Angelou quote: “I’ve been female for a long time now. I’d be stupid not to be on my own side.”

• Refuge has a 24-hour helpline: 0808 2000 247

A moment that changed me: having the courage to leave an abusive relationship | Anonymous | Opinion | The Guardian

terebina786 · May 12, 2016, 5:29pm

Re: A Moment That Changed Me.....

Wow. It sounds like something I could've written about my ex - word for word.

But she's right. The moment that changed me was when I left him and to this day I can't believe I almost married him.

bobbiewickham · May 13, 2016, 5:59pm

Re: A Moment That Changed Me.....

Domestic violence is a silent epidemic. It's a family offence whose ill effects are not limited to the family alone but are felt throughout society. It harms children and prevents victims from participating fully in society. Economically speaking, it affects productivity through absenteeism and presenteeism, and it has health-related costs. And the perpetrator doesn't need to batter someone to inflict violence. Domestic violence is emotional, verbal, and financial as well as physical.

Muzna · May 17, 2016, 1:23pm

Re: A Moment That Changed Me.....

So, so true!

Doppleganger · May 17, 2016, 1:49pm

Re: A Moment That Changed Me.....

so women validating each other on here.

Off I go.

Muzna · May 17, 2016, 3:51pm

Re: A Moment That Changed Me.....

and that's all you got from this......

Doppleganger · May 17, 2016, 4:48pm

Re: A Moment That Changed Me.....

If it was Pakistan or some third world country then yes I could sympathize, but this is the west where all the laws and their execution are skewed toward women. She could have easily left, called the cops on him and moved to a shelter. western women just like to be drama queens since the feminist fight is mostly over.

terebina786 · May 17, 2016, 6:22pm

Re: A Moment That Changed Me.....

Seriously...

It's not as easy as it sounds to get out of an emotionally/verbally/mentally abusive relationship - the person constantly makes excuses for the offending party (i.e. "well at least he never hit me" or "he had a bad day" or "maybe I shouldn't have said that", etc). Also, you can't call the cops for verbal abuse...

bobbiewickham · May 17, 2016, 7:13pm

Re: A Moment That Changed Me.....

Men can also be victims, and the big bad West offers them the same protections and the same access to justice.

Why do you assume that DV victims are all women? They are children, who are bullied or abused by an offending parent or relative, or an elderly person being abused physically or financially by a son/daughter/nephew/niece/other. Many LGBT people are also DV victims.

As terebina786 said, it is not easy to get out an abusive relationship. DV victims often become emotionally dependent on their abusers, they do not believe they can survive on their own because they have been told so often that they amount to nothing, or because they have no resources - familial/social/financial that they can count on. DV victims, men as much as women, suffer from denial and self stigma. It's not easy to admit to being abused by a husband or wife or close relative.

Doppleganger · May 17, 2016, 7:16pm

Re: A Moment That Changed Me.....

Men are not offered the same protection. Take one example of how western courts side with women and curtail fathers' rights when it comes to their children. Whether men deserve it or not (many women do think like that) is your prerogative and out of the scope of discussion here.

bobbiewickham · May 17, 2016, 7:47pm

Re: A Moment That Changed Me.....

I don't know where you live or why you have this opinion, but I work with DV victims, and while most of the people I counsel are women, we do see men who seek our services, and we do advocate for them. Is the system perfect? No. But as an organization, we operate on the basis that men deserve the same protections and access to justice as women.

Muzna · May 18, 2016, 2:55pm

Re: A Moment That Changed Me.....

wow.
I didn't expect this from you.

Reha · May 18, 2016, 4:18pm

Re: A Moment That Changed Me.....

You're sooo riiiiight. I mean...duh...why can't they all just walk out and go to the shelter down the street where they can easily sleep on Egyptian cotton sheets and their children can be fed caviar 3 times a day. I mean...what's so hard about that? Its like right there and they have like all this money sitting there too these women can totally use to just strike it rich and feed their kids and send them to Harvard and buy eco-friendly diapers and like stop whining drama queens.

Yeah...totally...so easy.

Doppleganger · May 18, 2016, 5:50pm

Re: A Moment That Changed Me.....

The point Reha (and Muzna) is that it is very easy compared to the third world. The law is with you, unlike stories of men I have read where the police laughed at their face for being na-mard and getting abused by women, so the blame is on them if they are not leaving. Heck, the state comes out and kicks the man out of the house if you have kids. I am not pro-abuse for either men or women.