Ali G Goes Ivy League
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2004 Harvard University Commencement Speech
"Booyakasha - Professor G indahouse aiii. Big shout out de Harvard massiv I iz done a capital ‘H’, coz Harvard iz a place innit - u see I ain’t no ignoranus. Things like ‘apple’ and ‘orange’ do not start with a capital letter, unless dey iz at de start of a sentence - but some of you brainboxes probably know dat already innit.Me name be Ali G and me represent de UK. For those of u who didn’t study geography de UK is a place over a 100 MILES away from here, de capital of it is? Anyone? Not u geography square! …yes, it is Liverpool. U iz clever and quite fly if u don’t mind me sayin.
First of all, I iz got to say I iz a bit nervous speakin to so many of you - at least me would be if I weren’t totally mashed. Normally de only public-speaking I does is to 12 people - and it’s well easy all me has to say iz me name and de words ‘not guilty’.
Checkit, me agreed to speak here today coz me wanted to talk to de brightest minds of our generation, to see what makes Harvard de most special university in de world, and also coz dey agreed to pay for me flight over here and hotel room. Sorry to bring dis up now, but when u iz told dat your hotel bill is bein paid for, u naturally assume dat dat includes essential extras like breakfast AND special interest pay-per-view movies. Imagine my surprise den dis morning, when I was given a bill for $164. Me was actually tryin to SAVE Harvard money by buying the 24-hour ‘slutfest’ packages at $19.99, rather dan paying for individual films at $11.99 each. Which would have cost u - [go thru them] Young and Tight…Backdoor Burglar 2…Backdoor Burglar 3…Campus Confessions…Asian Fever…Shaven Buffet [get lost] twice dat one… Cold Mountain - dat was a mistake, Backdoor Burglar 4 …almost 490 bucks. I mean come on, some of it was even research for dis, I iz sure one of de cheerleaders in ‘Ivy League Amateurs’ was wearin a Harvard sweatshirt…infact allo darlin, respek - I expect u need a cushion to sit on, aiii.
Anyways I digest. It iz a well big honour to be arksed ere today. To fink dat so many great people has been educated ere like Lyndon Banes Johnson, or as he is better known - JFK, George Clinton was also ere I fink , and de one before him, and also…William Tell - is he one of your lot, probably, and dat bloke wiv de hat, but most importantly dat really fit honey from Star Wars - if u iz out dere, me’d love to - me iz stayin at de Best Western Hotel - me’s got a really nice room, altho since dis morning dem has put a parental lock on de tv.
As I stand here today lookin at all of you, on this, your first day of university - I fink of all de fings me can offer you - wisdom, experience but most importantly of all 22 ounces of de finest Morrocan chronic. Well, Dat iz if de Ex-Lax works - to be honest I usually go at 11 in de morning - but nothing dere - infact me’d appreciate it if one medical students here wouldn’t mind takin a look. Don’t worry it’s clean as a whistle, u could eat your lunch of it - infact meJulie has. I know u don’t mind dat kind of fing does u.
Hearmenow, u iz de most cleverest students in America - some of u iz probably brilliant at counting - ye know…1,2,3…4… I could continue…easy. Others of u will be brilliant at English - have memorised de whole alphabet ‘a to x’ and even be able to spell words like ‘hippototamus’.
I iz also well clever - me was so brainy dat me finished me education 6 years before any of u - at de age of 15 - de teachers had to admit dat dere was nothing else dat dem could teach me. U students has come from every corner of de US from de rainforests of Arizona to de deserts of Alaska. Some of you iz probably never even seen a black man before…allo
Dere is all types of people ere, and it’s fantastic to see dat Harvard has finally let in so many women. A lot of u iz probably feminists or as we call dem in England ‘lezzas’. I agree wiv u, dat u gotta treat women wiv respec - its de least dat bitches deserve.
Relationships should be brought into dis -de 20th centrury - u women out dere shouldn’t have to do de cookin and de cleanin when u come home from work - u should do it before u leave in de morning.
But more importantly it’s wikid dat in Harvard young women and men gets to learn so many amazing subjects.
Some of u here will have been studying medicine…dat knowledge come wiv a lot of responsibilities. Remember, doctors is some of de most powerfulest people in de world - u can give life, u can cure disease and u can ask to see a woman’s [whistle] wivout getting slapped.
For those of u studying history, u probably learnt a lot about de Presidents. Like who was Jefferson, and what did Lincoln give America - apart from de town car.
Some of u iz de best legal students in de country. U would know wivout even thinking, how to get someone off a charge of possession. And if any of u do, then can me remind u - Room 204 at the Best Western. Just do me a favour put your ear to de door, and don’t come in if u hears me shouting ‘Natalie, play wiv me light saber’.
Let’s talk about de finances of all dat k-nowledge dat’s been dropped on u. It costs $38,000 a year to go to Harvard. Now I don’t know how u lot has earnt dat - apart from u - and u iz earnt every penny, but most of u iz got dat cash from your parents.
All you fathers out dere u iz made choices - wiv dat money u could have bought top of de range Lexus but instead u chose to invest in ya kids future. IZ U MENTAL? If u iz got other kids me hopes u don’t make de same mistake again innit. Does u realise how many honeys u can get wiv a Lex. ‘allo sweetness my son’s got a Harvard degree’ [FEMALE VOICE] ‘wot, who cares’
Or allo darlin, wanna check out de dvd player in de back aiii.’ [her] ‘wot’s dat?’ [me] ‘it’s ostrich leather’ So students give it up for your parents.
Let’s talk bout de future - your future. A lot of you iz probably worried bout employment. Unfortunately most of u WILL end up gettin jobs - especially now u iz got de burden of a degree.
You iz de elite, u will be tomorrow’s captains of industry. Sittin infront of me is probly da next Bill Gates, Donald Trump…or even Ronald Mcdonald. And even if you can’t all be Ronald himself, most of you iz probably McDonald’s Team Leader material. By da way, if any of u ever gets to do business wiv Sir Ronald, a word of hadvice - don’t mention de size of his feet…him iz well sensitive about it. Me mate Dave hactually met him, and he said dat even tho him may seem like he’s always smiling, dere’s a sadness in de eyes…coz of dem feet. All de money in de world - and science still can’t do nothing. Maybe dat’s something dat some of u M.I.T. nerds can fink about innit.
You lot will become powerful people who can change de future - and you need to, coz de world at de moment iz totally f-blank-blank-blank-ucked. Yeknow de word - I been told I ain’t allowed to say it - u know - u know de rude word. U know U definitely know…wiv de whole team.
Anyhow, u iz gotta fink bout de problems in de world coz u iz gotta sort dem out innit. Look at da envirolment - global warming is so bad, dey say in 100 years time, all de rainforests will be gone and all de ice caps will have melted. Actually, 100 years time, we ain’t gonna be around den, so don’t need to worry about dat one.
But dere is other fings - look at de state of family today - girls is havin sex at younger ages, dere’s an increase in absentee fathers and more and more people is havin affairs - but we shouldn’t just concentrate on de good fings.Believing in something is easy. Actually doing something is harder. Actions speak louder dan birds.
U has all got de potential to become great americans. And remember America is de greatest country in de whole world …apart from Jamaica…and Holland.. oh yeah and Thailand coz u got dose girls who do all de ye know and probly some others - but u iz definitely in de top 20.?U people iz de future, u has de chance to change de world, to hactually improve de life of de poor, OR U could goto Wall Street and earn millionz - get plasma screen, chinchilla coat, a series of relationships wiv gold-digging hoes happy to de de most disgusting sexual favours for some bling. Don’t waste de opportunity dat g-d has given you - see u in Wall Street.
Let’s rap dis up now, coz I fink me feels somethin movin down below. So, what iz I hopin to take away wiv me from dis time in Harvard? - new friends, different ways of finking about de world, and as many laptops as me mate Dave has managed to nick from your dorms, while u has been sitting ere listening to me stalling.
But I has got ideals too. Just like de great civil rights leader Martin Luther…Van Dross, I has a dream…of little black girls and little white girls…playin wiv each other. Let’s make it happen I look out and I see 1000s of people wiv different hopes and different dreams - but it is important never to forget where u all came from - becoz black, white, brown or pakistani we all come from de same place - de punani. Jah bless - bigupyaself Princeton…and keep it real… wesside."
