Assalam O alikum and good morning to everyone 
I hope everyone is doing good. Actually im new here, and i need some advice, its actually easier asking strangers rather than family friends etc.
So my elder brother left the home without any explaination, we just felt hez changing but he didnt tell us anything. Now hez gone and my mom cries every night for him. What should i do? Is it allowed to hate ur own brother bcz of the pain hez giving ur lother?
Re: A little advice please?
.
A little advice please?
Nothing there :/
Re: A little advice please?
you have not mentioned any facts as to what is the r/s of your brother with all of you like. was there any incidenthappened that you think could be the cause of his leaving home without telling you guys?
at the moment, what you can do is to try to contact his friends or co-workers or in his college/uni and see if they have any lead in this regard.
on your ques about whether is it allowed to hate your own brother, i would say that the feeling of hatred is not something that develops because if it is allowed or disappears because it is not allowed. you either hate someone or you don't irrespective of whether it is allowed or not.
and hate is such a strong feeling and in your case you might be confusing this with your feeling of utmost anger towards your brother.
i sincerely hope that your brother returns or at least contact you guys and your mom gets some peace.
Actually his relation to all of us was perfectly normal. Everything was good, and nothing actually happened except my cousin brother leaving home, but hez back now. Maybe bhai got some inspiration from him? I dont know. We know where he lives, and we know what he is doing right now. The problem is how to get him back? He dont want any relation or contact with us, because he said we are narrow minded, we are "typical pakistanis". We live in norway, so i guess he affected by the culture here. But no culture or religion gives him to hurt the people who loves him, right?
Re: A little advice please?
Actually his relation to all of us was perfectly normal. Everything was good, and nothing actually happened except my cousin brother leaving home, but hez back now. Maybe bhai got some inspiration from him? I dont know. We know where he lives, and we know what he is doing right now. The problem is how to get him back? He dont want any relation or contact with us, because he said we are narrow minded, we are "typical pakistanis". We live in norway, so i guess he affected by the culture here. But no culture or religion gives him to hurt the people who loves him, right?
These are contradictory statements, perfectly normal relations *and then *narrow minded typical Pakistanis don't add up nicely. Please clarify what happened actually otherwise we all will be playing a guessing game.
How old he is? I am assuming under 20.
Is it about his girlfriend that your father or mother might have said something about? (I am assuming this because of the narrow minded part).
Nope nothing like that, honestly we are guessing as well. We thought we were perfectly normal, we didnt know he thought differently, recently he just didnt wanna talk to us anymore. Hez 22, I and my other brother are getting engaged. And this brother is in the middle of two of us. We kept asking him, is there any girl u like or something, who do u wanna marry etc. He just said he dont wanna get married yet. And then few days later he was like meri shadi k baray me koi sochta nahi. That was a shock to me as we always kept asking him.. i just think he is mighty confused :s
Re: A little advice please?
How long ago did he move out? He's 22 so I assume he's done with college. Does he have a full-time job?
Has he done anything else recently that your parents did not approve of? I'm surprised he didn't add any details when he referred to the family as "narrow minded".
Re: A little advice please?
Did he give any idea that he was planning to move out before he did that?
There must be a reason.. either he's doing something he thinks you/your family won't approve of or he just wants more space, freedom or independence..
If he's moved out but is you're on speaking terms I don't think the situation is too bad.. if he's not speaking to you there's obviously more to it..
If he lives in Norway it's not surprising he's been influenced by the culture and imo the moving out by itself shoudn't really be hurting you or your mother that much (there's a fair chance he'd move out at some point anyway afer all)..
A little advice please?
22 isn't that bad. It depends on what he's doing. If he is finished school then there definitely must be more to the story that your not explaining on here or you may not even know? If your parents have no idea then it's because maybe your parents and yourself aren't taking the time to understand why he moved out. By narrow minded I am assuming that means your parents weren't allowing him to do something or he felt some kind of pressure that he needed to get away from? Don't hate your brother, try to understand him and if he is doing okay then maybe help your parents understand the situation to let him go to live on his own as he wishes. If your parents are upset about what others will think or that kind of stuff than that's probably what he means by narrow minded. Try to keep the peace in the family by taking a neutral side and understanding why your brother wanted to move out. Did he have his own room? Are your parents strict and expect a lot of him? I mean consider all those things and just be there for both your brother and your parents. Things blow over in time and if there's a concern for your brother, he's mixed up in the wrong kind of people (drugs, bad influence) then you guys need to do everything you can to bring him home. Get some help?
If its not that serious. If he's done school, is earning and has a lot of pressures from your parents than maybe give it time and work on bringing him back around with love. He may not be living at home but if he needed space because he's always fighting with your parents or something then give it time, maybe your parents need to give him a chance that he's asking for.
I can only guess what the reason is because things like this don't happen in a blink of an eye. You haven't told us very much to go off from. Maybe you should take some time to spend alone with him and befriend him like a brother, I mean its the only way to understand why he did what he did. Crying and hating will only pull your family apart.
Im sorry, i just automatically asume that everbody knows my parents :p
The thing is, he dropped out of college a few years ago, he works as a parking guard or something. He has done nothing but just sitting in his own big room with al his toys (pc, laptop, all types of games)
In my opinion, we gave him all the freedom and time to do whatever he wants. Dad bought him a car, he disnt have any xpenses.
And nobody ever pressed him to do anything. We have tried and tried to understand him, asked him several times what he wants, we'll do everything. He just doesnt reply anyone. He had best contact with my oldest brother, even he has given up on him :(
And honestly we noticed that something was wrong some weeks before he left, we tried to ask him. He didnt give away anything. Then we decided to give him time. He just left after that.
Re: A little advice please?
^ How long has it been since he moved out? Has he spoken to your parents at all since then?
A little advice please?
about 2 months :/
nope .. mom sends him msgs all the time, not one reply .. just "im busy"
Re: A little advice please?
I see. Honestly, there is nothing you guys can do to force him to come back. I would recommend doing your best to keep in touch with him....sending him texts or e-mails regularly to let him know that you guys miss him and hope he's doing well. Invite him to family events. Basically keep your hearts and door open IF he chooses to come back. You hating him won't change anything. Seeing you and the other brother who's at home sad, angry/hateful etc. will only make your parents feel even worse.
If your eldest brother was close to him.....encourage him to continue staying in touch with him. If nothing else, this way at least you guys will always know what's going on with him. Who knows....maybe with more time, he may open up to the elder brother & share more about what's on his mind. But giving up isn't going to make things better.
Stay focused on the happy things such as the engagements. I'm sure your parents are devastated but keep reminding them that they do have 2 other children (you and the other brother) who are still there & need them.
Re: A little advice please?
Honestly? I think he just needs his own space. Atm he probably wants different things for himself than what your parents perhaps want from him ie. Marriage work etc. So he moved out. Which isn't really abnormal in reality since hes a 22 yr old lad but I think the problem is that your parents think its completely abnormal behaviour on his part since in our culture the sons stay with the parents.
Just explain to your mum and dad that its okay if hes moved out. And in the meanwhile text call write to him but also try to give him his space and privacy which is obvs what he is craving for. He will soon realise that you lot care for him and he will hopefully iA make an effort too.
Hope everything all works out. Try not to stress and just focus on the happy occasions. :)