In my immediate family, there is an aunty who is super sweet. She has 2 daughter in laws, one who lives with them and one who doesn’t. Anyway, she is the best sort of mother in law any one could ask for. She does not ever ask her daughter in laws to do anything. She never asks them to cook, clean, bring her anything, make anything etc. She lets them be. The daughter in laws do things on their own when they see the mother in law cooking. Both of them are fine and nice overall..friendly to every one and caring to guests.
But what we all have noticed and she has discussed with my mother as well is that when you are too sweet and do not over burden the daughter in laws and treat them like your own daughter, you are taken for advantage. There are times when these daughter in laws would not meet her and leave for where ever they are going. There are times when they wouldn’t bother if their MIL has eaten or not.There are times where they would plan some thing and would not include her in the plan. There are times when they go to stay at their parents place and not even ask and just tell ‘i am going to stay at mama’s for 2 days’ etc. Basically, they are nice and sweet to her but would not really bother. The MIL would cook every day but the DILs would cook when they feel like doing it or they would help around but would not take ownership of the work like she does.
I think when you don’t stand for yourself and do things on your own without putting it on some one else you are taken granted for. When some one doesn’t interfere in your life, you make sure you just keep your life YOURS. When some one doesn’t impose things on you, you let them be.
Personally, if i had such a nice mother in law, i would try to take more care of her. I would always ensure the courtesy of meeting her before going somewhere if living in the same house. Some girls are very lucky to have families who care for them but they would easily take advantage of the situation or take them for granted.
Personally, MIL should not do all the housework nor should they just put their feet up and order the bahus. Every person in the house must pick up after themselves and contribute in the over all housework equally. Whether the have a maid at home or not !!!
If you're going to over pamper your DIL then its not their fault really. Its the same as when a parent spoils their child silly and then wonders how did he/she become such a brat ???
She will have to phase out working 24/7 and slowly pass on the workload on to her DILs. When they have responsibilities and are equally involved in all the household decisions then they will consult her more on matters.
Personally, if I ever get married I have a few things that I would expect my in laws not to expect from me, asking them permission for going anywhere (informing yes , permission no)/ no rok-tok on my dressing !!!!!!! If I never have problems on these two front from my inlaws, I would be the happiest !!!!!!
I don't see why the DIL's have to ask permission from the MIL to go to their parents house, because it is the husband's permission that is needed, not the MILs. And MIL shouldn't be doing everything, the DIL's should be helping out, but since they've been accustomed to the MIL doing all this, I don't see what MIL is complaining about. The other thing is, if the MIL wants more help with things, then the MIL should communicate this to them.
how is that any different from one's own daughters and sons? why do we expect more from outsiders, even after making them our own?
I was thinking exactly this.
how is that any different from one's own daughters and sons? why do we expect more from outsiders, even after making them our own?
I think your daughter would make sure she meets you before she goes anywhere, she would make sure she asks if she can somewhere or tell, and i am sure your daughter would be concerned if her mother hasnt had food and i am also sure that a daughter will include her mother in most of the family plans being made. Thats how different it is, i guess!
So, the argument here is that if you treat your DIL like your own daughter....she'll try to take advantage of you? Well, a person's own kids can behave that way as well.....the kids can behave in the ways you've listed. The difference is that parents naturally have greater tolerance for their kids....but no as much for their DILS. That said......I think it's hard to treat/see/tolerate at DIL exactly as your daughter.
Maybe I'll be criticized for saying this, but there are two sides to a story....even to the examples you've listed. Now, if the DILS are frequently showing a lack of consideration....then the issue needs to be addressed. But it's understandable for a DIL to not want to include her MIL in every single plan....and I find the concept of it being mandatory to seek permission to see your own parents to be a bit weird. I think the courteous thing to do would be to check if someone needs you for something really important and take care of your share of household responsibilities before leaving...and to check if there's a conflict of schedule.......but 2 days is not an eternity to visit your own parents. Again, if the lack of consideration happens often....it's an issue. Hard to say what goes on in a home when we don't live there.
