I need an advice as to how to look for a compatible partner for my little sister. We live in a State (USA) where there are not many desis around. She finished her high school last year and now working with me. We are self-employed (online business). Initially she used to help me with my 2 kiddos but after finishing school, she jumped on board with our business and now works fulltime with me from home. She is the sweetest and most amazing girl I have ever known. She has always been there for me and our parents whenever we need her. She is our little hero and we love her to death.
Hence my concern! She gets rishtas from back home, from our relatives and stuff. My parents are sedhay sadhay people. They say, oh he’s perfect – great education, good looking, good family, etc. They fail to see how my sister is never going to be compatible as she is brought up in USA, and is so different and masoom from people back home! I know this because I was brought up in Pakistan and came here later. I went back home when I was getting married and those were the hardest 3 weeks of my life. People & lifestyle are SO different there than what we are used to of here. My sister hasn’t even visited Pakistan ever since she was 5, then how can we expect her to live her entire life with someone who is raised there and never going to understand her views or her side of the world. We speak Urdu at home, but she replies back in English. Her life revolves around her American books/novels, her American songs/bands she is obsessed with, writing, art, etc. She is very different from what a girl in Pakistan usually. She has no idea how to talk to boys and would totally freeze if ‘the one’ ever tried to talk to her! I know she’s TOO young (will be 19 this year) BUT isn’t this the age when you start talking to people and learn about the world, people and what kind of life partner you want? She has no idea about boys and her only crushes are youtubers and singers – ugh.
What can I do to help find ‘compatible people’ like her she can talk to? My mom doesn’t know how to do this so I have to be her mom her and look for compatible rishtas for her. Are there any reliable match making websites out there? Should I take her to desi gatherings, but where? Any kind of advice is appreciated!
Why isn't your sister in college/university? A high school diploma in this day and age means nothing anymore. Especially if you're looking for a suitable match in US, then potentials don't look at a simple high school graduate. They need a graduate, someone that will be compatible with their sons, who are most likely university graduates at the minimum.
Second, she sounds like you've kept her quiet sheltered in her life. If she's so Americanized like you say, then she should have the confidence and ability to speak to anyone, regardless of gender and age. What you're describing sounds more like a girl who has come directly from a small village in Pakistan, not a grown girl from an American town.
Send your sister to university. Let her broaden her horizons, and learn how to live in a real world, instead of spending all her time raising children that are not her own and wasting her time on her internet life. Marriage is not the be all end all.
Along with uni, she needs to get out of the house and start interacting with people face to face. Maybe have her find a retail job or something similar.
She will gain confidence, be able to meet new people, and experience the real world… Beyond just high school & family. And she needs to find herself and become an adult first.
From what you’ve said, she sounds like a nice girl. And I agree 100% with your worries regarding rishtas from back home. DON’T do it.
The kind of rishtas she's going to get with a high school education are not the kind of people you want for your sister. You're setting her up for a potential disaster because respectable educated desis do not want a bahu with no degrees and the kind of people interested in a high school grad are exactly the kind of people you want to avoid. I'm sure there are families out there who look great and probably are but it narrows your search circle unnecessarily.
And she's no different from millions of teenage girls who grow out of their shells in the 19-24 age. I call it the second puberty. Hell my entire teenage life is documented online somewhere. In school you have people you've known all your life but in uni you have to start over. Getting her married now is throwing her in the lion's pit without any practice. She may succeed and she may fail and it might cause her more anxiety then you'd like. So, let her learn about the world before putting her entire social skill set to such a severe test.
I forgot how judgemental and narrow minded our desis are! I appreciate all your comments as I do need to know how others 'see' this scenario.
College degree means nothing these days. I went to uni, had 9-5 job and ended up quitting it because I felt like I am missing on my life, my family, and will always have to work 9-5 to pay bills.
I became an entrepreneur, started my own business and make much more than any college degree could give me. Our business was growing and I couldn't do it alone myself. She became partners with me because she enjoyed it as well and knew sky is the limit if we worked together as a team.
We didn't want to send her to College so she could be marketable for rishtas. We would rather stay away from people like that who generalize high school with paindu and college degree with smart. She is smart and kind and that's why so successful and loved. She is also an Introvert and bookworm and hasn't had much interaction with boys, that's why the hesitation but again, she is only 19 and will grow out on that as well. Sending her to college just for that reason doesn't seem right.
Let me know if you have any other suggestions. :)
Schooling is not just a means to make money...its a means to broaden horizons and cultivate growth of character, personality, mindset, etc. I am actually really surprised reading this thread...I didn't know people in the States were so opposed to education and growth.
I know a lot of girls who got married very young but most all of them say they wish they had waited and gone to school, experienced life, etc. I wouldn't rob her of that...she won't say much as she doesn't really know any better.
My suggestion is...please let her make the decision if college is best for her or not. It seems you find her so masoom she cannot be trusted to make good choices for herself. She can. I just attended a baby shower of a 19 year old girl. She got married because her parents assumed she wasn't bright enough for college and too seedhi saadhi. It was sad to hear that from parents and siblings.
And as far as rishtay...well...a guy who spent his life becoming something will probably have expectations. Meaning, if he went to school, he will want a woman who he has something in common with...not someone he has to explain things to. The guys in the States are similar to your sister...they are looking for someone with a more Western mentality. Just like your sister, it will be awkward for them to be married to someone who didn't have similar experiences. Its not about marketability. Its about nurturing her growth. If you stunt it, you also stunt her chances of finding someone. Most educated families in the States are also looking for other educated families.
I forgot how judgemental and narrow minded our desis are! I appreciate all your comments as I do need to know how others 'see' this scenario.
College degree means nothing these days. I went to uni, had 9-5 job and ended up quitting it because I felt like I am missing on my life, my family, and will always have to work 9-5 to pay bills.
I became an entrepreneur, started my own business and make much more than any college degree could give me. Our business was growing and I couldn't do it alone myself. She became partners with me because she enjoyed it as well and knew sky is the limit if we worked together as a team.
We didn't want to send her to College so she could be marketable for rishtas. We would rather stay away from people like that who generalize high school with paindu and college degree with smart. She is smart and kind and that's why so successful and loved. She is also an Introvert and bookworm and hasn't had much interaction with boys, that's why the hesitation but again, she is only 19 and will grow out on that as well. Sending her to college just for that reason doesn't seem right.
Let me know if you have any other suggestions. :)
I was warning you off against people who're anti learning but I guess I didn't need to. There are people who want a malleable girl who they can bend to their will and they'll obviously go for the girl with little real life experience.
A lot of people go to university to learn not to make money. Even my cook's daughter (in pakistan) has a master's degree in English literature. She doesn't want to work/teach (she tried and got bored). She just wants to learn. She reads and discovered so many new hobbies and ideas from her teachers and peers that have zilch to do with her degree. Her marriage prospects have limited quite a bit because people don't like over educated girls in her community but I don't think she gives a rat's ass. Her degree is for herself alone.
And it sounds like you're making decisions for her rather then letting her experience for herself. Just because you didn't like the experience doesn't mean she will not either. She only knows what you say and obviously she'll blindly follow her older sibling. If money's not an issue then a fun degree in something she's interested in is not going to hurt. At this point her family is the main reason why she's introverted so are we supposed to tell you how to protect her from them?
Also If you think she's not old enough to make her own decisions then she's not old enough to get married. The math is quite simple.
On one hand, you want someone who's compatible with your sister, and on the other hand you talk about things that contradict your own statements. Nowhere has anyone said that a college education = $$$$$. Instead everyone has emphasized what a positive experience it is for a young woman to attend a college, and experience things that she would never get a chance to do so again in her life. That's the only way she can get out of her shell, and not live in her fantasy world, which is so bothersome to you. And sending her for further education does not mean that she has to attend a college out of state, or out of city. Heck even community college is good enough for new experiences. That way she can stay at home and learn and help you in your business.
But if by compatible you mean just an Pakistani-American guy, then they are available dime a dozen. But are they all going to be perfect for your sister? Probably not. Why? Because a high school graduate and a drop out's mentality will not be the same as your sister's, who is going to enter a binding relationship with some expectations. And those expectations can only be fulfilled if a guy is at least a bachelor's. But a bachelor graduate's mother does not want a high school graduate. The only reason she would want a high school graduate for her precious son is because she wants to mold her to her requirements, and have a girl who is not strong willed and will not reply back to her in laws when they will thrust upon her all the chores and responsibilities. Is this the life you want for your sister?
Also, the only people that I know that are ok with having a teenager for a bride are the super religious people, whose sons are also quiet young, and they believe in the early marriage is best Islamically rule. And these girls end up having children at a very young age, right after the other. Again, this is what I have observed. No where have you stated that your sister is religious herself. So even there, you're not going to find a compatible match.
Also If you think she's not old enough to make her own decisions then she's not old enough to get married. The math is quite simple.
Schooling is not just a means to make money...its a means to broaden horizons and cultivate growth of character, personality, mindset, etc. I am actually really surprised reading this thread...I didn't know people in the States were so opposed to education and growth.
I know a lot of girls who got married very young but most all of them say they wish they had waited and gone to school, experienced life, etc. I wouldn't rob her of that...she won't say much as she doesn't really know any better.
My suggestion is...please let her make the decision if college is best for her or not. It seems you find her so masoom she cannot be trusted to make good choices for herself. She can. I just attended a baby shower of a 19 year old girl. She got married because her parents assumed she wasn't bright enough for college and too seedhi saadhi. It was sad to hear that from parents and siblings.
And as far as rishtay...well...a guy who spent his life becoming something will probably have expectations. Meaning, if he went to school, he will want a woman who he has something in common with...not someone he has to explain things to. The guys in the States are similar to your sister...they are looking for someone with a more Western mentality. Just like your sister, it will be awkward for them to be married to someone who didn't have similar experiences. Its not about marketability. Its about nurturing her growth. If you stunt it, you also stunt her chances of finding someone. Most educated families in the States are also looking for other educated families.
I appreciate your responses. I want nothing but the BEST for her. I personally never felt college = wisdom but I do understand your point. We have a lot of thinking and decision making to do with her.
I appreciate your responses. I want nothing but the BEST for her. I personally never felt college = wisdom but I do understand your point.** We have a lot of thinking and decision making to do with her**.
Being her sister I absolutely understand your need to do the best for her, don't think anyone will question that here. But for her sake she should also be included in any thinking or decision making that will shape the rest of her life.
You should stop treating her like your kiddos, and more like a young 19-year old girl who is capable of having a say about their future. Running from speaking to a potential “the one” is not necessarily a healthy thing in present day USA. She should go to college, she will grow as a person in variety of ways already described above. I echo what @Ess Emm said re: potential rishtas who are educated/established wanting a wife who at least holds a college degree, most prefer someone who is in graduate school -per what I’ve seen in the community - urban/suburban America.
I was that girl, the bholi bhali masoom one, who had to be wed at 18-20. I had no say in any decision about my life, even when I protested, because "ye tou bholi hai, issay kya pata". I went through a lot of crap for five years before I decided to stand up for myself. I'm 23, and still young, but because of those five years, I'm facing a lot of consequences I had no control over. Don't be in a rush to marry your sister. 19 is really young. I know it's hard to find rishtas, so there's no harm in keeping your eyes open. But it shouldn't be a priority right now. Like everyone is saying, people in US prefer a college graduate, someone who has ambition/direction to their life. If you are looking for something specific, you need to be able to cater to it too. I was very shy and afraid to talk to potentials, too, at her age. I was afraid to talk to anyone, really. I didn't develop proper social skills until I was 21. I don't know if there was ever a time people appreciated shy girls. I think most people who do just think they are people who can be walked over and controlled. You don't want that for her. Let her figure herself out, and become her own person. Allow her to put herself in public situations so she can grow. Don't let the whole shadi chaos take over her life right now. There's a lot of time for it.
I'm hoping you aren't depriving her of a college education as she seems to be quite useful for you in your business.Let her live her life please and not be selfish.
I appreciate your responses. I want nothing but the BEST for her. I personally never felt college = wisdom but I do understand your point. We have a lot of thinking and decision making to do with her.
Not wisdom...wisdom comes with experience.
To put it bluntly:
If you want educated people to find your sister marriageable...she needs to be able to bring something to the table. Plus, a lot of people are thinking of their futures when rishta hunting. People think about what their potential partner might do if something happened to them...would she be able to support herself and a family? Relying on an online business as everything isn't going to cut it. Added to this...if I am looking for an educated guy to be the father of my children...isn't the guy also looking for the same for his future children?
I once knew a family like this...they were really nice people but as we got older their beliefs shifted and we had to distance ourselves due to this. They made all their daughters quit school in their senior year and felt their girls were too masoom for colleges. Strange part is, they all got married to men who agreed with their parents and now the parents somehow support their daughters, their husbands and grandkids. Input = output.
This is America...people don't keep their daughters home because of the big bad university anymore and they find people who do...backward.
Would you be willing to marry her off to a guy who only completed high school and now runs an online business with his siblings? Even if he is a millionaire you would not feel financially secure with a guy like that. Please send your sister to college even if she continues to help your business in evenings.
I agree with OP and the elitist view that degrees somehow make you superior bothers me a lot. I have seen many dumb people with absolutely no skills who had lots of degrees. People can learn from their experiences and by doing things. This nice Pakistani girl I know without degrees is one of the smartest business lady I have come across and makes a lot of money also.
Would you be willing to marry her off to a guy who only completed high school and now runs an online business with his siblings? Even if he is a millionaire you would not feel financially secure with a guy like that. Please send your sister to college even if she continues to help your business in evenings.
I know many such guys who hire people with PHDs and these guys call them sir. There are many guys with masters driving cabs. Degrees don't really mean you can be classy either. I have come across many educated desis with atrocious oral hygiene. This guy I knew with an MBA and engineering degree but hadn't had his teeth cleaned in ages and didn't believe in flossing either. If degrees cant teach you to take care of bad breath than what good are they.
I do agree with this post somewhat. I have seen so many parhe likhay jahil in my life. Being highly educated doesn’t automatically mean that somebody also has good manners, a nice personality, morals, class and respect for others. So don’t get fooled by the degrees one has. Now I am not saying that one shouldn’t send their daughters or sisters to college. How about you give her all her options, guide her & then let her choose. Let her decide what she wants to do with her life. At the end of the day, we all are living in this world & fake society, where everyone is materialistic esp desis guys.
