Why are friends so important?

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Bunny, for the time being I would just talk to his mom and stay quiet. He can email you, text you or even keep you on the phone when you call to talk to his mom.

Bottom line is, you should make him address this issue because its important to you. The next move is his because he knows you are upset and he needs to do something about it.

Beutiful traditions.
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Re: Why are friends so important?

Write a detailed e-mail to him, explaining him with wisdom each and every aspect of your mutual relationship with him. Acknowledge his good qualities, but do tell him humbly and sincerely the "things" that have made your life difficult. Be specific in your e-mail but make sure you select the "right words" which might not create any kind of misunderstanding or offense from your side, but are effective in penetrating through his heart (keeping in mind his way of thinking).

Until he gives you a detailed reply, cut short the phone calls and extra chit chat on phone. Let him realize through your silence and lack of interest on phone that you are waiting for his reply to your e-mail. No need to emotionally mention anything on phone. This problem is something he needs to sit and think about when he is checking his e-mails.

p.s. His reply to your e-mail would inshaAllah help you in deciding and planning your next step. Please continue the same attitude and don't reply him if in his e-mail he writes that he is unable to explain everything because he is too busy with friends.

May Allah (swt) bless us all with wisdom and bless our married life with "barakah"

23

Re: Why are friends so important?

submission i dont see any point of emailing... cuz the remember she mentioned the cultural diff....
pathans r very shy with this kind of stuff....like he cant talk to her infront of his parents/frds/sibs

i think u r going to pakistan....use that time to get close to each other and sit infront of each other and explain things....and mean while dont have long convo so when you actually meet up with him u both r excited to see each other.....

24

Whats with the cultural difference ? I am pathan myself and I don't think there is anything wrong in explaining everything before they meet face to face. In fact anything written down doesn't sound more offensive then it is said on phone as at times one might not be able to hide ones frustration and emotions and select wrong words.

Secondly I understand this "friends" culture among pathan youth. Usually they pass time for enjoyment and don't take anything serious in life when they are together. And with no offense to anyone there is a strong possibility that his friends might be advising him to not give much importance to her in order to maintain his dominance over her throughout his life.<-----This is just my opinion based on experience, though I might be totally wrong.

So, he must know each and everything about her likes and dislikes before they meet. Also she needs to understand him, which is not possible through 10 (interrupted) minutes on phone, so better do it through e-mail.

25

Re: Why are friends so important?

it easy to explain ur point of view, ur feelings when u r talking to them face to face than by emailing or phone....east and west r not same.... and when we r living in 2 diff countries we start to see things diff.....we percieve things diff again due to the cultural diff

26

Re: Why are friends so important?

Well, fortunately (Alhamdulillah) I have spent quite some time both in the east and west. When it comes to moral values and mannerism with one's spouse, there isn't much of a difference. Even people like Bill Gates might be able to give time to their spouse on phone, at least 10 uninterrupted minutes if they sincerely wish to. I don't think anywhere in the world it is acceptable / ethical to keep letting one's friends interrupt a talk with one's spouse on phone even when one gives her ONLY 10 MINUTES in a DAY!

The guy needs to learn a bit of manners and respect for his spouse. If this is the behavior in the beginning we can't expect better manners in the future. SO, better remove any misunderstandings as soon as possible. A delay might play a crucial factor, because it is about lives of two people.

If her visit to Pakistan is in immediate future, then she might talk to him face to face, but if it is after few months or so, she should not let him frustrate her in this "disrespectful" way.

27

bunnyhoney you said your husband is pissed off with you because you are not their with him. but why?

everyone in pakistan understands it takes time for them to be sponsered and he also must know that you have a life in the USA.

why is he and his family getting upset with you that you are not there?

also i agree with one thing STP bro said. not only in pathan culture but also among punjabis a man's dominance over women is emphasezed so i wouldn't be surprised if his friends aer telling him to not give you any bhao. ej tho you are a woman on top of that you live abroad and you probably have a busy life(education career) so this threatening his manly superiority over you.

as for what to do he will probably get better with you when he comes over as it is probably his surroundings and the situation which is frustrating him and bringing out his insecurities. but be prepared for a tough future ride as your guy seems a bit rough on the edges. but now nikkah is done so just suck it up and deal with it with sabr.

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Re: Why are friends so important?

Bunny, STP and H are right about that...sometimes friends will do that to help the guy maintain some sort of dominance over you. Meaning when you call, they hurry him off the phone because talking on the phone with his wife is a waste of time...according to them.

I honestly and sincerely think things will change for the better once you guys are living together. Naturally, he will become more involved with you and start to forget his friends. Married life does that to people. The things you mentioned you can change once you guys are together physically. His frustration will be gone once he is with you and his friends will start to disappear too.

Friends are good for both involved...girl and guy. However, you need to identify and see if he has any of those destructive type friends too...you will have to nip them in the bud. Do you know them?

29

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Apply the same principle to talking on the phone too. Back off but don't make out u r doing it to give him a taste of his own medicine, this will only lead to bad feelings.

Talk too much and he is taking u for granted, trust me i have seen this happen.

30

Ahhhhh you guys are so freakin' sweet, I have tears in my eyes! God bless you all...

There are some things that you guyz have said that are absolutly spot on and others that are not relevent.

Submission to peace - what you said "Secondly I understand this "friends" culture among pathan youth. Usually they pass time for enjoyment and don't take anything serious in life when they are together. And with no offense to anyone there is a strong possibility that his friends might be advising him to not give much importance to her in order to maintain his dominance over her throughout his life.<-----This is just my opinion based on experience, though I might be totally wrong"

I think you are right about this, when I think about it. He is very much into this "friends" culture to the extent that in Rawalpindi, he has been part of setting up a "Pathan Power" group or something like that. Him and his friends go around wearing these black bands on their heads to signify that they are Pathans. Kinda sad, eh? :-) I think here, you are spot on. However, the email thing isn't practical. Their lifestyle (well, his lifestyle) isnt technco dominated as it is in my life and your life here. It goes only to the extent of owning a cell phone and thats it. They reley on dial up internet access and for them its too much hassle. They have internet access, but their life doesnt surround it like it does here. There is a difference in culture element to it also. He, in many aspects is a simple person. Writing a detailed email to him about my thoughts and feelings and even talking about our relationship in that way, i guess would probably scare him. Writing letters is a formal thing that is done in business or with governments - as far as they are concerned and in a marriage and with family - there is no formality. If he was living in the USA, UK or anywhere else, then it would be acceptable but and no second thoughts about it, becuase processes like these are part of our day to day life. I think bearing in mind his reaction to a letter that i would write to him - i wont do it, especially through an email.

zilentzpring - you are totally right about being able to portray emotions, feeling in person and lack of being able to do that over the phone etc. That touches on what I said earlier.

haimeradil - They are not 'upset' because I am not there - they are, but they are not putting any blame on me. It is just a situation in the sense that we both cannot avoid it. I have to be here and he has to be there. They are sad about it, but neither of us can do anything about it.

The miss call thing approach doesnt work for me. We tried it. Because there is never one time that I am at home, I am all over the place and i dont use my cell phone to call Pakistan, i use the landline. If he miss calls me on my cell and i am not at home, i cannot call him back. The consequence is that he will get upset if i dont call him back. I cannot travel all the way home, just to call him from the landline. We cannot fix a particular time as to when i call him, because again, i am all over the place. I do not know when and where i will be from one day to next. I live alone, so that makes things difficult in the sense that if he calls me at home and i am not there, there is no one to tell him to call me at a particular time. He cannot call cell, because its too expensive. These small issues make one big issue. Also, there is the time difference element. I am in London now, which is better then california timewise but I am also at the university library until 10:30pm every night!

The question of me 'chasing' him by calling him all the time doesnt arise, because its not like he is my boyfriend - he is my husband. The chase has been done and we are now married. Inshallah - i hope things will get better and they will.

31

Well, it seems for the time (till you meet him) the only thing you can manage to utilize is "those 10 minutes", for which you have to find out ways to convince your husband that you are more important than his friends and he may carry on with his activities with them before and after those 10 minutes. You need to be very selective and prepare before time for the appropriate words to be used in those 10 minutes.

Telling his mom or arguing with him might irritate (repel) him more with you. Better use some positive ways but before that you need to analyze his personality.

If he is a carefree less sensitive jolly person (seems more probable in this case):

Try to find out which conversation/ topic he enjoys the most (e.g. Games, celebrities, role models, sports....etc. which ever he likes). Discuss with him that topic so that he starts enjoying talking to you so much that he doesn't want anyone / anything interrupt those 10 minutes of conversation with you. BUT do share knowledge that he doesn't know already but would love to know. Try to create suspense and show excitement with statements like "I wanted to share with you something that you would (inshaAllah) definitely want to know, it is very interesting....."

Of course you are his wife and he should not feel attracted to you only because of those topics, but you might have to (even reluctantly) get more knowledge about his likings to develop "that bond" with him that forces him to consider his friends to be relatively more boring than you. Once you have developed that friendship with him, you might slowly add topics of your own interest into the discussion (with wisdom) in a way that he doesn't even realize that now he is talking about your and his relationship. This would also convince him to immediately move to a lonely place (away from friends and family) to enjoy more his conversation with you.

If he is a sensitive caring person:

Jokes are the best way to criticize a person without offending him, but they have enough penetration power of puting a part of his mind think about it.

Tell him while laughing and teasing in a light mood (but dramatically) " One day a person might read this news in a local news paper that one of his friends got severe beating by an unknown mysterious and dangerous lady, because he dared to consistently interrupt her conversation with her husband. She had to take this step because he was somehow able to convince her husband that it is alright to interrupt his wife time and again....."

Jokes like these do have a strong impact and would tease him at the back of his mind even after those ten minutes. Jokes should not be directly pointed at him but indirectly mentioned so that he realizes his mistake without being offended. The sole purpose of those jokes should be to make him realize that his wife deserves respect, and not to make fun of him.

If his personality is a combination of both, then try both techniques.

This is just my personal sincere understanding, and might not be applicable to your case. May Allah (swt) bless us all with the wisdom to be able to make the right decisions in our life and improve our relationship with our spouses.

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Mashallah. Thank you for your guidance. I will certainly try these. May Allah be with you

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Re: Why are friends so important?

subission put it so nicely not only for you but also other people like me.... Thanks Submission i always love to read your comments

34

Ditto! That's what I was gonna say. As a matter of fact, I think it may even be cheaper to call from there. By the way, if he is not working or studying, what is he doing??? And he is so busy still? Seems odd.

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Re: Why are friends so important?

i second Afro.....
doesnt he realize he is married and he should do something like some work and if he is waiting for the visa, still he should do some short courses that will help him when he comes over here..... jst a thought!

36

Yes its cheap to call from Pakistan but only to landlines and I am never home, as i mentioned earlier. Calling UK cell phone is hell expensive, i know becuase I tried when i was in Pakistan. He hangs around his buddies at university.

37

He has completed his course in Pakistan and wants to do an MA and he is looking for a job at the moment until he comes here. He is in between things. I dont think its good to be judgemental of poeple who are between college jobs and others things. Its normal for poeple to have gaps between jobs/school, whilst figureing out what to do. I dont want him to do more courses in Pakistan, because in the US and here tey are not really recognized.

38

Re: Why are friends so important?

i am sorry bunny i wasnt being judgmental and nor it was my intentions.....
its hard for me to digust that a married guy is out of work.....well its not really a waste sis to do some good courses.....if his english isnt good he can always take english classes/communication classes as most pakistanis are good at writing but due to lack of practise they are really good....
this way he wont have enough time to spend wid frds who are pushing him to spend less talking talking to his wife...
again i dont wana b judgemental or anything but i have seen guys who are unemployed (or complain they cant find a job in pakistan) have hard time working when they come over here as they are not use to of working hard.....

but thats only my opinion

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ZilentZpring - its Ok, i dont think you are judgemental - i will message you.

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I believe deeper issues are based in his cultural upbringing.