i had been engaged to my cousin for like four years..and all that time i was down sad depressed for being with him..i just cudnt accept him..and so eventually after 4 years i broke up..two years in the break up and relatives kept trying to convince my dad to make me agrree to it…i wudnt have agreed to marry him but my dad fell sick..and i had no option but to say yes..at that moment i felt it was my fault for my dad being sick..
Lost Angel, you feel that you’ve wasted your time (4 years) in being engaged to a guy that you feel absolutely nothing for. But you also wasted his time, his family’s time, your parents’ time. Regardless of the pressure that the family may have put upon you…the final decision was still yours. Desi parents can make all the threats that they want. For example, they can threaten to kick you out of the house…but they won’t do it. You’re a girl…kicking you out…would only generate gossip, which is an even bigger fear for most of them. Yes, to a certain extent you can blame family for pressuring you for marriage…as this is not acceptable in Islam. But you need to accept some responsibility for your own actions (namely, your own lack of will-power).
and now my wedding has been planned in november but im not happy..i want to run away and leave home…im so disappointed in my parents…y wud they do this to me..i feel like my dad has decieved me all this time..a part of me hates him for this..
my reasons for not putting up with that cousin is that i find him immature and insecure..he lacks confidence and self belief..and hez too conservative and narrow minded..
**You have the ability to think and reason and use your aqal. Sickness and health/shafa is in Allah’s hands. God forbid…parents don’t die because their son/daughter rejected a rishta…they die because Allah destined that it was their time to leave this world. Yes, I know that your father is alive. There are people in this world who are GOING THROUGH WORSE PROBLEMS than rejection of rishta. For example, they may be living in extreme poverty…they may have lost everything they had…they may have been raped…but do all of them get sick? Do all of them end up in the hospital? Do all of them drop dead? NO! So, it was unreasonable of you to think that your father’s sickness was a result of you rejecting this rishta. And IF your family tried to make you feel “guilty” by saying that your behavior is causing your dad to become sick…then this is wrong on their part as well. It’s blackmail. You say tha tyour dad deceived you or tricked you. Are you saying that your dad faked being sick? If that’s the case…then stand up for yourself. What is the worst that can happen? That your parents will stop talking to you for the next several months? People eventually tire of their own drama.
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**If your wedding is planned for November…then you played a role in this (you lacked will-power). So, be disappointed in yoruself as well. You think your cousin is immature and insecure and lacks confidence…but so do you. If you had the confidence and mature thinking yourself…you wouldn’t have surrendered so easily.
Maybe your cousin’s lack of self-confidence comes from his parents. You rejected him…and his parents still kept chasing after you. Why? Most parents would have pride and would think that “if the girl has rejected us”…then we have enough dignity to find someone else for our son. The fact that his parents are still running after you when they know you don’t like their son…shows that they have problems with self-esteem/confidence. And honestly I would be wary about marrying him…because WHAT IF …after marriage…his parents try to get revenge from you for rejecting their son earlier? You might think I’m being paranoid…but considering there’s no dearth of drama in the stories found in this forum…people can be twisted sometimes.**
now im thinking to give a final decision to my parents and stick to it no matter what..
Talk to your parents. If they don’t listen…talk to your fiance. Tell him directly that you don’t like him…that you don’t want to marry him…that you feel pressured and miserable. If he has any pride, he’ll end the rishta himself. Find someone among the elders in your family that can support you and speak on your behalf. If there is nobody like that…by all means…tell his parents (to their faces) that you’re miserable and don’t like their son and don’t want to marry him. I don’t think i’d care if i hurt his parents’ feelings. In my opinion, any relatives who force their son on me…do not respect me…and are fully deserving of my harsh honesty. ** Even tact has limits.**
what can be the consequences?? i am so scared for my parents health and i wonder if it will be too much for them to take…would it be a blow to their respect and honour in the society???
Would your parents’ “respect” “izzat” “honor” be improved if you end up divorced a few months later? Would your parents have greater peace of mind when they find out that your and your cousin-husband fight like cats and are miserable in your marriage? Are you willing to give them brief happiness (in the form of a wedding)…in exchange for long-term misery? That society that you’re so afraid of is not helping you right now…and will not help you when you get divorced in the future. They’ll happily attend your wedding for a free meal…without any care for the pain you’re going through now…and look down on you if you get divorced. If you’re placing so much value on people that you owe nothing to…YOU are not as confident as you might have thought yourself to be. So, your cousin ain’t the only one that struggles with low self-esteem. Sorry, if that sounds harsh…but that’s the impression i get from your post.
am i being tooo stubborn in accepting him…and i wonder if i will regret it later..