There are options for people that don't want to receive boxed gifts, but also don't want to step away from ettiquette.
We just submitted the final proof for Noor's Bismillah invitation to the printer and were faced with a similar dilemma. We don't want to be inundated with toys, clothing, etc that will either not be used, repeated, or simply donated to charity. We also don't care one iota if anyone brings a gift or not. We just want people to come and share in our celebration. So, in the programme card, we included a line that explains how we feel.
Here's how that portion of the card reads:
May the presence of your company be your only gift to us.
and i think people keep track of gifts/money so they can send out thankyou notes later for those. at least thats why we're keeping track.
as for giving the present money to the parents, w00t!!!?? my folks are shelling out too but that money is our present, thankyouverymuch! :)
Well it's only fair, if they're paying for the whole wedding (in cases where the bride is young/not working/not contributing financially) then it's only fair that the parents keep it. Same with the salaamee that goes to the bride at the valima, sometimes inlaws will take ti, sometimes they wont....The only thing that the bride is acutally entitled to and has a right to, is the haq meher...
Muzna - i think that a nice way to get your point accross, we had a bismillah for my niece a few months ago and were swarmed with toys, a few people gave religious kids books, prayer mats, and qurans which was sweet, hope it works :)
Well it's only fair, if they're paying for the whole wedding (in cases where the bride is young/not working/not contributing financially) then it's only fair that the parents keep it. Same with the salaamee that goes to the bride at the valima, sometimes inlaws will take ti, sometimes they wont....The only thing that the bride is acutally entitled to and has a right to, is the haq meher...
i have never heard of this concept before. parents don't have to pay for weddings, they choose to. any gifts that are received at the wedding FOR the bride and groom, should be given TO the bride and groom. if then, they choose to share it with their parents, its one thing, but to automatically assume the money is for the parents is bizarre. its never done in our family that way. no parents want to take away what was gifted to their kids, and that the kids could use to set themselves up after marriage or go on honeymoon or use for whatever they want. at least, thats how we do it/look at it.
muzna, thats a great line! :) another alternative i can think of too is to say something like "in lieu of a present, please make a contribution to X charity".
I have heard of what Sara is talking about. And believe me it shocked me as much as it is shocking you guys to hear this. But what i saw was the parents taking the presents not the cash., if the couple received more than one piece of the same item.
Sahar, my parents have bought most of the stuff for us. Now its just little stuff i need to get so i think in our case the registry would look real short and wierd :(
You'd be surprised what little, cute, funky, decorative, and useful gadgets are out there. Have you browsed William Sonoma, Crate and Barrel, Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, Pottery Barn, etc?
I’m assuming ur wedding is going to be primarily attended by desis, and in that case I don’t think there’s anything wrong in requesting “no gift boxes please”.
We just received a wedding invite yesterday where they requested no gift boxes, and I didn’t think anything about it. Maybe it’s because we’re so used to giving people money so they can do whatever with it. Multiple toasters are not cool. I keep remembering poor CA’s ordeal of dinner set from walgreens. WTH?
edit: parents/inlaws taking cash and gifts? First time I’m hearing it! That’s so wrong.
Actually before I got married I was kinda outraged at the thought of parents getting the money......but now it just doesnt matter, I did get to keep the money from teh valima (funny everyone on my side kept saying that I shud give it to MIL or at the very least ask her to keep it whereas hubby said just keep it, dont even ask) but the only thing I felt i was entitled and had a right to was haq meher, which I am/was....
I think the reason parents take the money is because desi's have this whole silly culture of "lena dena" so if aunty jee gives you £50 at your wedding, when her daughter gets married, she may not invite you but she will definitely invite your parents, so its your parents that have to give the £50 (plus a lil more) back to them. Some aunty jee might give you a little more than you expected and you wonder why, probably cos your an only child, whereas she has 5 kids who are all married, and your mom has been to each of their weddings and give £50 each time.. so this aunty jee has to repay all those £50's to ur mom.. Like, when my nephew was born, this family who we know came to see him and brought him lots of clothes, shoes, a gold ring, plus £100. My sis-in-law was like wow, we don't even know them and they gave us so much. My mum soon told us that they had lots of grandchildren, and everytime one was born my mum would go and give a gift. So technically what they were doing was returning the favour by returning what my mum had given to aaaall their grandkids to her one grandchild. its weird and silly, but it kinda makes sense. i think these traditions are dying out with our generation though, so we won't have to bear them for ver long!
thank God for that! honestly, there is too much protocol and politicking involved in gift-giving with brown people. i give to people i like. people i dont like, i dont usually hang out with, therefore, no gift. its simple and it works for me! :p
When we are young, we usually choose who we hang out with.
We get a little older and we are forced to hang with the folks that our parents choose.....all part of getting hooked up in the right place according to them.
We get married and have to compromise who we hang out with because now we have a whole new dynamic involved -- the in-laws.
We end up having to socialize with hubby's friends....he tolerates our friend's partners, even though he may not share interests with them and we put up with his friend's partners, even if she only has a couple of brain cells at her disposal.'
The we have kids and again are forced to select a group of people to hang with that are suitable for the environment we want our kids exposed to.
So you see...it's not as easy to completely surround yourself with only those that you "like" or "get along with".
Back in the day....cash gifts being given at a wedding were never handed to the bride or the groom. They were given to the hosts. So if you are part of the bride's side and are attending the rukhsati held/organized by the bride's parents, you would congratulate the parents of the bride and discreetly hand an envelope to the mother. Likewise for the groom's side at the valima.
If you are giving "moonh dikha'ee" to the bride and groom, then this gift is solely for and kept by the couple.
I like the western approach where you are expected to pay for your plate, this sum could vary depending on the venue/menu/open bar etc., and then some. So if the party is held at a very posh location with a full out menu and open bar and you are invited as a couple, then you should be bringing a cash gift of around $250 - $350. This is then collected in a box, so nobody is embarassed by taking the envelope in their hand, and at the end, I believe the cost of the wedding is deducted by those that paid for it and the balance is handed off to the couple.
i am so putting the red stand mixer on my registry! lets see if anyone forks out $400 for it! but seriously, that thing is so divine.
Ive got it and i LOVE IT!!! The red kitchenaid mixer is GORGEOUS. I know a very bizarre birthday prezzie choice but i really wanted it and hubz was gonna get me sum fancy jewellery and i was like sod that i want a red Kitchenaid. Its fantastic and my favourite kitchen toy!:)
I mainly remember getting gift vouchers and cash in the wedding card and then as we opened them we wrote down who gave what and sent out thank u cards. We only got a 1 or 2 box gifts...they were sum crystal bowls from Tiffanys which were nice so i didnt mind that.
parents/inlaws taking cash and gifts? First time I’m hearing it! That’s so wrong.