Re: The quest for fair skinned wife
but what is the solution and i am not talking about the fair skin problem. i am talking about a serious human right issue where girls per our societal norm have to parade in-front of complete strangers and then get rejected for one reason or the other...and that too again and again. imagine psychological burden that girls carry because of this pathetic tradition of ours. but of course we will never ever think of changing this norm because alternatively, girls and guys would need to date on their own and find their own partner.
now i understand this is our societal norm, so i really dont know the answer.
We, as a society need to tackle multiple issues to address this. First, to get rid of divorce stigma in our society. Women suffer the most due to useless and sometimes baseless allegations. We need to accept the reality that some marriages may not work and couple may eventually decide to separate. Marrying a divorced woman or a man should not be an issue.
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Second*, we need to allow up to a certain period of time for girls and guys to find their potential life partners. Now the first thing that we desis think after this statement is *physical relationships, zinnah but in my view the rate of these before marriage relationships will not increase that much.
When there is an understanding that the father or the mother will not create a drama when their daughter wishes to marry someone she likes, the first priority of the children will always be to let their parents know about their plans. All the time, children hide these things because of a high-temper father, mother, or brother who just think that there is something wrong with their character. Still we know that these illicit activities exist under the radar of our society. Now there will be issues, bad matches, and failed marriages but it's all part of life. That's where the first point, I mentioned above, becomes relevant.
My personal view is that parents should allow their children to find any suitable rishta on their own until the age of 25 or 26. Typically in Pakistan (and elsewhere as well) around the age of 21 or 22, people finish their undergraduate degree and enter professional life. Next 3 to 4 years, parents should remind their children to start looking for someone as life partner and whenever a good match is found, get over with it. Some people may struggle to find anyone suitable even after trying for themselves, therefore parents should actively get involved in rishta process while keeping their children in the loop. Any sane daughter or son will appreciate this approach and not feel hard done by the parents.
**Third, **socialize, socialize and socialize. As a community overall we do not mix with other people. We hold on to the preconceived notions, have baseless perceptions about race, caste, nationality and sect. Family oriented functions are not difficult to organize, once or twice a year. That should be setting for parents to find potential candidates for their children.
Fourth, lower your expectations (this is for the parents of girls). There is good amount to pressure on a guy to not only earn a steady (in fact healthy) income but also have all luxuries of life ready for his future wife. A house, a car, a hefty haq mahr and have a job for himself preferably in a foreign country with a foreign nationality. But these things take time and by the time one achieves all these goals, the desire to get married may simply disappear.
There is no harm in allowing your daughter to marry someone who is at the early stage of his career or is just starting. Together they can achieve more and in less time than being alone. I've seen many examples of people who are still waiting for "achay rishtay" for their daughters and refuse good candidates because the guy did not have his own house and lived in a rented house along with his family.
Just as women get the bitter end of the deal in divorces, men get hard done by higher demands leveled by girls' side.
These are just my thoughts!
was going to start a thread on this too due to something i heard on BBC Asian Radio this week. Apparently the whole "oh i want a fair skinned girl for my son/brother/uncle/nephew....." is still prevelant in asian socities. This backward notion of holding fair-skinned people higher than slightly darker complexions has not died out yet. After listening to some of the stories on there, i think it's safe to say that it hasn't.
No, the quest for fair color wife is far from over. To me women (mothers/sisters) are more to blame for this trend since they serve as first filter point during a rishta process.
I do agree though that women are obsessed one degree higher. Unfortunately,it’s not just limited to us, Arabs, Africans, East Asians, literally about half the world population is derogatory toward themselves, makes me hate colonialism even more 