Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

I’m sorry but this seems very odd.. Did this happen very soon after their marriage ro after they’d been married for many years? B/c I find it hard to believe that if they were together for such a long time, the woman would have not even teh basic understanding of something her husband loved, in this example literature. Hadn’t the husband told her anything about what he loves? Had she not made an effort to get to know his likes and dislikes?

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

I may have agreed with you more when my children were younger, but as they have grown up I have realized how much my own personal preferences have clouded decisions that I encouraged them to make - from things as banal as what sports to play to more serious decisions that will affect their future. While I often know my children very well I have made serious mistakes- clouded by my impressions of what I believed my children wanted and what I thought was best for them. It is impossible as a parent to say "Oh, I only want my child's happiness" without allowing our own personal prejudices to interfere.

I have personally never seen an arranged marriage among my husband's family or any of our friends where a relative who was encouraging the match did NOT have an agenda. Desi marriages are all about strengthening this tie with this family or encouraging a relationship with that family. I hope that when it is time for my children to marry that they respect me enough to ask my opinions, but that I will have the good grace to shut my mouth as long as they are willing to stay within the few parameters that my husband and I have.

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

sadly, men and tehir arranged marriages as well as women and their arranged marriages dont work well because these are marriage built on 'terms and conditions'.
and when u have this element at the front and center of any relationship, that causes havoc to the rel.
and then they are constantly unhappy. sadly.
thy dont know what to do and what to say and whome to blame and whome to let go??
and then, they are in constantly miserable.
people should become responsible for their own actions.
unless they wont, in choosing or not chosing honestly a partner, they will perpetually be troubled and make other people unhappy as well as never have a happy life themselves.

best,
Dushwari

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

It's very common for a couple to be living in a compromised situation for years and not having things or interests in common. I personally know cases where couple has nothing in common but they have been living in a compromise especially the guy. I have a very close friend who had arranged marriage with his cousin. My friend is an electrical engineer and very intellectual while his wife is from a small town in Pakistan and went to school for only 10 grades. They have nothing in common yet they are living in a compromised situation for the past 11 years. I don't think they have a healthy family environment.

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

^ i'm not talking about not having interests in common, but rather the case that the other doesn't even know about the thing that interests their spouse u get me? for xample...i like certain TV shows or music..but my husband doesn't... he doesn't have to watch ro listen to them but at least he knows what i do like...
That just sounds like a very sad situation, where husband/wife have no interests in common and also don't care to know what the other likes...

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

At this point, reading all these posts, its very strange to know that how girls who have children and who don't, think differently about arrange marriages. I think ownership of a child is some thing that they don't want to let go of even if it is a personal decision like marriage. No wonder all desi parents are so possessive that some times they crush the feelings of their own child to impose some thing that they think is best for them.

May be thats another reason why generally desi boys are not that confident while starting a relationship. At the back of their mind they always have that thing that some one i.e. parents can superimpose their own decision.

I think past relationships and after that arrange marriage just splits the heart and mind. There is nothing worse then a split personality. Now its up to the parents to come out of their shell a bit and think what is better for the future generation, rather than for their own ego.

On other hand, parents always try to decide what is best for their child. May be they don't like it at that point, but time changes every thing. Willingness to make it a successful relationship is enough to make it work. But key to all this is that how much u can let go of u'r past and move on.

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

Wow, your post was an eye opener for me and you are probably right. Inshallah, I will be able to keep an open mind when my boys either decide on a bride or ask for an arrangement and keep my own personal "things" out of it all. I completely understand what you are saying yet I still think that no one knows a person better than their Mom and Dad and if its at all possible, their input should be considered prior to marriage. I hope and pray that this will be the case with my boyz.

Namaaz, it is in no way "ownership" of a child that is at issue here. You misunderstood I think. When you have a child, you want nothing but happiness for your child (well vastly most parents do), And a 21 year old boy who has raging hormones can get entangled if, for instance, they meet a well-endowed-pretty-thing who loves a good romp in the hay, kwim? Like a parents worst nightmare. A parent knows who and what their child could live with, who they would be able to love the most etc. It isnt that I want complete control, I'd just like to have something like veto power I guess.

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

Mamaof3...I too think your boys are still young. Wait till they grow up and will change right before your eyes. My pre-teen daughter has sudenly transformed from my sweet angel who I knew inside out. Now she so different and defiant...I hardly know her. Shes got a mind of her own. I know (hope) its temporary but I can imagine that I will have to get to know her all over again :(

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

again all ladies talking... not a single narration by man

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

This happened last year, after around 14 years of their married life. Well what word i have about their marital life is a story of paradoxes. The woman is simply so crude that she wont allow him even have a talk with the maids.. like even if he stops by the kitchen and asks the maids what the dinner will be, the girls laugh in their hearts of hearts, they know its going to start a riot between the couple. I guess since he married only as an obligation, maybe he himself didnt try to patch up the rift between both of them. It is said that he was in love with someone, before marriage. Now i dont know why on earth he didnt take the stand and married outrightedly the girl his parents had selected and which was so much unlike him. Anyway, to me, the husband is just as guilty as is the wife. Things do work if you put the sense of compromise with an effort in.

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

Jaadugar is not a jaadugarni :)

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

yes... but r u 'trapped' into arrange marriage.. ??
just wondering how men feel about it?

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

A gem of a quote :lajawab:

Well and this was one of my major concerns starting this thread here.. wouldnt such arrange marriages purely prove a failure where one is simply bent on comparing their better half with the one they were in love with, once, knowing very well how it feels to be happy, to be complete.. wouldn tit be giant’s task then, to make the thing ( the marriage) work when you are already a “spilt personality” (thanks Namaan, for using such an appropriate term, suits well the context)

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

Well without going into details, yes, the original query fits 100% on me. I would not say that I was trapped. Nobody can be trapped into an arranged marriage. It's us guys who give the consent to our parents. More than the trap, I would call it a family pressure, obligation or simply being too obedient to give consent for an arrange marriage. Now I am talking particularly for the guys who have previously been into relationships and then fall for arranged marriages. Today I can say that all these guys should come out of that shell of pressure, obligation or obedience and look for the best interests of themselves. It's the guy who will be suffering for the rest of his life not the parents. One small thing I would like to mention is that my mom who picked my wife from within the family only a week after the marriage said, "oops we made a mistake." I was so pissed and said, "what, are you mad?" This wasn't a joke, after ruining my life, now when I complied with your will/wish, you are telling me that you made a mistake.
So the conclusion is that our parents generally cannot make the right decision for us so why even bother with it.
It's too late for me but I would like to suggest to all my fellow countrymen to rise above our boseeda tradition and make their own choice if they can.
It may still be ok to do arranged marriage for those who live in those traditional environment (haven't seen otherwise).

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

But that’s based on the assumption that the man in question had already found someone he loved and wanted to spend his life with her. Otherwise you can’t limit this comparison to only arranged marriages. A person who’s been in relationships may at some stage (feel compelled to) find someone he wants to marry, but realize that she’s not as loveable as someone he had been in relationship with earlier. It can also be the other way round. A person who marries of his own choice may one day realize that the girl(s) introduced to him by his parents/family were better.

As long as he gets the opportunity to better understand the other person and have the final say, he shouldn’t be too concerned about how he met the girl. What’s more important is whether the girl he’s going to settle down with is really the one he loves, or he’s only going to marry her because he feels compelled to do so.

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

I totally agree with you, but i m talking about a age when they should get married i.e. 26+. At that point controlling some one just create pure anger. Its very sensitive age. Personalities makes or breaks. So parents should be very careful.

Sorry i don't agree that parents know their child best. They only know until they are child. Personalities keep on changing and children are humans too. I personally feel friends are best people to judge you. If parents are like friends, than its different. But in desi families its very rare.

You talked about veto power. I hope u understand what it means. It means shattering all dreams in one blow. Its same like our way or highway. I think only thing to understand here is to make u'r child responsible person. Let him pull his own weight. Let him make a commitment and full fill it. If you look at the bigger picture only thing required out of this whole marriage practice is to have pious and responsible personalities to build better community and in the end better nation.

I think better approach is to help them choose or if they have already made their choice than help them accomplish that. Not only till wedding, but all through life. Being supportive is the key.

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

Men have contributed to this thread too...

I doubt u will find anybody here who's already trapped in an arrange marriage to wlilingly share their story.

And what i've noticed here is that men won't share as many details about their personal lives as women do.

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

jaadugar.... family pressure? obligations? so it was rather Forced marriage. i wont call it arranged marriage. sorry to know that u had to go through with it..but its not just you who is suffering..its the girl too who is probably suffering more than you, knowing the fact that she has been forced upon her husband.

mamaof3 said

.. "A parent knows who and what their child could live with, who they would be able to love the most etc." ..

this is just the automatic assumption and parents likes to stick with it 'regardless' of their kids'age.
it's plainly wrong

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Re: Men and Arrange Marriages~ Apprehensions.

yea maybe that is the demarcation. If you are rather pleased with the parents decision, as you believe they would find a better choice for you, so your family decides for you, and you just step into that experience, hopefully turning it into a successful relationship. I guess this is what we call arrange marriage, and yes, this arrange marriage is totally a positive move, a gesture of trust for your parents. Whereas, if you take the thing only as an obligation, that tells for it all. Family pressure and whatnot. Now the question is, what are the reasons and motives that change all happy and merry arrange marriage into simply an obligation, a family pressure.

P.S: Here, one thing should please be kept in mind, that we are not to victimise those who had to be into it due to some family pressure and obligation. Its very much natural and you come to know how obligatory it is only when you come across it. I know for many people it must be blah and blah, this marriage of obligation, they would tend to take it their way, but its not always a hyporatic and a coward action. There can be something simply more than that.