Yeah Aishaaa1 I guess I consider myself weak.
Dulfiqar: I didn’t bother reading your long winded post. I don’t have it in me to read cut and pastes and I made it clear in the initial post that I’d rather relate to real people than some narraration and regurgitated advice.
Update:
You know whats funny, I was on my way to school filling up gas at the gas station and went inside to pay. There I saw this guy I knew from itekaaf. He started talking about good old times. I couldn’t stay long with him but it was really odd to bump into him after eons.
Khair, today I went to the masjid for a few measly minutes to see if anything sparked. And boom, all the folks that were there for itekaaf immediately recognized me asking where have I been and what not. Its usually a huge group and we’re all upto no good in the masjid. 
Everything came rushing back and I felt like I was home. Its good to rekindle the flame. Its good to see the faces of your bretheren. Its even better to know that people thought of you when you were at your worst.
I guess I was looking for (still am) affirmation, existence, reason, faith, instead of trivializing every grain and throwing off each prayer as just an action and not divulging into what I already know. Too bad faith is not static. I guess thats why it increases from the level where you were before. Yeah, we all have hit an all time low but its good to hit rock bottom, atleast that way there is some realization of where we are in life.
Aaah, I’m lovin’ this high right now. Please God let it be a little bit longer till my last breath, please.