If your closest sibling is getting married........

[redvelvet]

Re: If your closest sibling is getting married…

@AbraCadabra

• How should one deal with not being the apple of their eye anymore?

“Apple of my eye” is a sweet and flattering saying. But do you really truly “NEED” to feel like you’re the apple of someone’s eye? Think about that. I imagine that the need should diminish as one grows older and becomes a mature woman.

• How should one deal with not getting the same attention any more?

You say you love your brother and that you love your bhabi. But love isn’t selfish. You put yourself in your bhabi’s shoes. Imagine yourself getting married…how would you feel if your own in-laws felt this way? Look, your bhabi is the new addition to your family. She’s probably feeling apprehensive…wondering if she’s going to fit in well with you guys…fearing being judged, etc. You should try to make her feel welcome and comfortable…not see her as a threat and competition.

• How should one deal with being left out some times?

Your every single activity does not need to include your brother and your bhabi. Spend time with your mom. Spend time with your other siblings. Go out with your friends. Make better and varied use of your time and vary your company. Read a book. Pursue a hobby. Do some volunteer work. Get a job if you don’t have one already. It’s not healthy to become too emotionally dependent upon one person (in this case your brother). It’s better to have a variety of friends and interests. ***You learn a lot about yourself and your capabilities when you do things by yourself and also when you interact with people outside of your family. It shapes and develops your personality. Your family is like a safety net…it’s like a cocoon that shelters you. But spending time by yourself and with people outside of your family provides a level of independence and makes you stronger in a way. *** Also, keep in mind that being dependent upon a person can become stifling for them. The other person can become frustrated with you as well. That neediness can be off-putting.

• How can i adjust to the change because i am aware my brother will have difficulty maintaining balance specially in the initial phase.?

You can “adjust” to it by telling yourself that you need to give both of them time to get to know one another and adjust to one another. Be friendly with your bhabi. Make her comfortable…involve her in activities…but also give the two of them time to bond.

I am not used to doing things without him and i am the sort who would **cling **to him if he is going some where out like dining out or watching a movie or something. These acts would not be appropriate afterwards since the couple needs to be given the privacy. I wonder how people deal with all this - its love that grows so much you dont know how to handle when it has to be shared.

Cling? That’s a bit much, IMO. Love doesn’t hog, stifle, and suffocate. Think about that. Look at the issue from an Islamic perspective. She is going to be your brother’s wife. She has rights over him. And he has to fulfill those rights. If you get in the way of that…you could potentially hurt their marriage…and that’s a gunnah. Every relationship has boundaries. You know that. You have to develop some maturity and understand that a sibling and a spouse are TWO DIFFERENT relationships. A sister and a wife are two different relationships and can’t be compared. You can’t say that one is better than the other. Therefore you can’t say (in the future) that your brother loves his wife more than you or his mother. Obviously he can’t love you like a wife…and he can’t love his wife like a sister. Once you understand that the two can’t be compared and that there is no competition…that might bring you some piece of mind.

You’re gonna get married one day and you will find that you can’t devote all your time to your parents and siblings. Your priorities will change…you will spend a great deal of time with a spouse and then you will have children. And these priorities do not mean that you love your immediate family less than your spouse/children.

I just want every one to tell me their experiences and advises on how to deal with it.

This is a mind over situation kind of thing. In other words, there’s no miracle and instant way for you fix this problem. This will require that you constantly remind yourself that you need to give them privacy and space. It requires an attitude adjustment…and the way to do it is to keep reminding yourself of it. Instead of seeing your bhabi as someone who is stealing your brother away…see her as a sister…see her a friend…another female to bond with. By befriending her…you’ll feel more at ease with her…and she’ll seem more like family than an outsider. ***People are not stupid…they can sense negative vibes. So if you and your mom start acting insecure and jealous and bitter around your bhabi…keep in mind that your behavior might even make her defensive…that will result in communication shut-down…and it can just create bad feelings between everybody.

***As far as changes are concerned…YOU are not exactly the same person that you were a few years ago. Things that can change people include age, responsibilities, events in life. We all go through it. It has to happen. If you’re not changing…then that can also mean that you’re not growing as a person…and that’s not healthy. Your brother has agreed to get married…that’s a huge decision…it’s a big change in his life…be he WANTS to go through it…he feels ready for it…he wants to move forward in life and grow as an individual. You can either be the kind of sister that helps facilitate this change for him in a positive way…or you can make this change difficult for him. You decide. I’ll say it again…love shouldn’t stifle/suffocate/prevent a person from growing. That’s not love…it seems more like an insecurity.

You’re only seeing how this “change” (marriage) is going to affect you. You’re only thinking of how this change will “take away” certain things from you. You’re not thinking much about how this change will positively affect your brother and your family. And so your post reads more like a me me me me…all about me. Think about the good things that will result from this marriage for everyone.