How to get what you want-peacefully

STA · August 25, 2011, 2:23pm

Re: How to get what you want-peacefully

nadz, i have been following your posts for quite some time. i know what you mean when you say that you hate it when he cares for his sister or mother. it is not because you have anything against them. it’s because you don’t get the attention from him that you deserve. i was in a similar situation once. i married him and stayed with him in pakistan for a few months. everytime i wanted to go out with him his sister and mother would get ready to go out with us. if by chance we went out alone he would get a million phone calls from his mom ‘where are you, come home already, halaat are kharab, i am so sick’ etc etc, and then we would of course head right back. he would leave me alone at home for hours every other day because he had to take his mom to a hakeem, then a doctor, then a pharmacy etc. what i found odd was that she was never sick when we all had to go out. she only ever became sick when my husband and i had plans to do something. i hated her for it.
his sister took all his attention away from me. he was lovey dovey in private but in public he used to jup his sister k naam ki mala. if something was on news he would discuss it with her, he was more interested in her stories than anything i had to say. if we went out he would sit with her. they would eat on the same plate, share food. he always brought her things. he would leave the last of fries or mithai for her. in public he would always get pics with her with their sirs jor together. i know many would start the lecture on how she’s his sister and there’s nothing wrong with what they shared but the truth is, i felt crushed inside because he was not doing any of those things with me. i always felt that i had left my family, friends, life behind to live with him and he couldn’t even give me the attention i deserved. i went through a depression phase. i used to cry whenever i would talk to my best friend or mom. because i was depressed he didn’t like spending even a little time with me. my sadness used to ruin his mood/day. his mother and sister won the battle in a way because he was now starting to lose interest in his wife. my mom always told me to be patient, but i am so na-sabri. then i came back to canada after 3 months or so because i had to apply for his immigration. as soon as i landed here my mushkilain in a way went away. i stopped calling him. i would not pay much attention to what he was up to. i had my friends back, my family, my life. if he ever called i talked to him for a few mins about how his haal chaal was and then told him how i had to do something or the other and said goodbye. the distance brought him back to me. slowly slowly when he realized that i wasn’t there for him whenever he needed me, that i had my own life, that i was a happy person again, that i wasn’t chasing him, he started to chase me. it has been a couple of months since i have been back and he literally calls me everyday, leaves sweet voicemails, emails, texts. if i ever call him n he’s with his mom or sis he would leave them to talk to me. the reason i am telling u all this is because u need to realize that u have to let him chase you. you can only do that when you are back in england. you will have friends, family, a life and that will keep you busy and once he sees that you are very happy without him he will be all over you. the trick is though don’t leave in anger. just endure it for a month more and then say a proper goodbye to everyone and leave.
as for your original question about your daughter, just tell him ‘abhi tou time hai, jab ho ga tab daikhain gay’. that way neither are you committing to anything, nor are you saying an outright no. if u commit now just to avoid any arguments then if not him then his family will use it against you in the future. if you say no then you will just start more fights. if he ever talks about the future, always say ‘jee daikhtay hain, ya jab ho ga tab daikhain gay’. when you are back in england your position will be much much stronger. you will have your family to support you. trust me, when the time comes you will get your way. but for now, just listen to everyone here and pretend that you are an actor in a movie and your character has to be nice to everyone no matter what. if you feel like crying go to the bedroom or the bathroom and cry alone. don’t let him or his family see you depressed or emotional. do it for a month and leave hansi khushi and everything will work out in your favour inshaAllah

I think you missed above post.