Re: How do i help her?
moving to a diff city will be a good idea. u can giv all emotional support u can but it won't stay a secret for long n no one can stop ppl's tongue. i wonder how come no body noticed anything at her wedding if she married in 4th or 5th week. tough situation
Re: How do i help her?
^ some peopel dont show till much later... like in the 6th or 7th month
You're dealing with desi families here. Give it up. Move on. The couple needs to start a new life of their own, and yeah maybe their families may not be a part of it. shrugs
I get that PCG. Nobody is saying that they're not desi. I may never understand what this girl is going through because I've no experience with the situation.
HOWEVER........although we may not share the EXACT same experience as another person...............I think that MOST OF US have had experiences that can be relevant to the situation in some way or the other.
For example.....I've seen.......that sometimes talking to a person and trying to appeal to their emotional side (AND YES, that INCLUDES DESI PARENTS).........can actually help. It's no guarantee...........but i know that at times it can encourage the other person to take the time out to reflect over the situation. And if they didn't budge before.........they might loosen up a bit later on.
Am I saying that the girl should wait for the rest of her life for her family to give up their grudge? NO! Of course not. She has to move on, that's a given. She has a marriage to maintain and a will soon have a child to raise. And she can't put her life on hold for people to get over themselves.
I already assumed that she's tried apologizing and talking with her parents many times. So, I thought that maybe someone else (apart from the girl)....trying to reason with one of the parents might be able to "get through" on some level.
I understand the importance of moving on. However, I ALSO think that it's not healthy to be on one extreme or the other. We all have different experiences. And I've seen parents EVENTUALLY come around and forgive even the biggest of betrayals. To always say that "Nothing is going to change, so why bother"......is not right either. When you see something wrong taking place, it's good to make some effort to bring about change. If everyone throughout history adopted the "why bother" stance........we might not have ANY positive developments at all.
Re: How do i help her?
As others have suggested, moving away from families to be in a more positive environment is an option, but she shouldn't totally cut off communication with her family either.
Also, Oreo, you said you feel sorry for her.......and that's understandable.
But don't show that you feel "sorry" for her when you interact with her. Try to talk to her as you would your other friends.......act as if her mistake is none of anyone's business. It would be good for her to have someone her age to interact with.......who can talk to her normally without judging her. That's another way of helping her out.
Re: How do i help her?
I definitely think RV has a good point about needing families and making sure no matter how bad the situation...broken ties get mended. Your family will never be replaced and she will need them desperately at one point. Running away from them would be a mistake.
PCG said it right...what is done is done. As long as her husband is on board, tell her to make a new life for herself in a different community where she can concentrate on making the rest of her life a success.
Repent, yes. But how do we mere human beings know if a fellow human being has sincerely repented or not? We dont. Therefore, we leave that between this girl and her Creator.
Regardless, I think by the time she got married she had already realized her mistake. Telling her repeatedly will only drive her away from you and if you really want to help her...keep her close. She will need your support so give her ideas on what her next step should be.
Re: How do i help her?
PSquared.. i said whats done is done :( that's ok.... sigh
Oreo,
Can you try to do that? Or encourage someone else to reason with her family? Such as her older sister if she has one? IF her family doesn't come around, then my suggestion is that YOU try to give her your support and company. She should feel that she has the friendship and support of at least SOMEONE.......and it's good to have it from someone around her age group that she can relate to.
Her sisters talk to her and her mother talks to her now..its her father who isn't talking. He thinks he is doing the best thing he can in the situation, to let her come to him. but they have a pretty strained relationship from teh start.
She and her husband are BRAVE people. At least they did not abort the preganancy but acted like responsible adults and got married. If anything they should be commended for that after all is said and done.
If the family is unforgiving then the couple should really think about moving to another city. It will be good for them and the newborn.
Yes, in a way you are right. She would have been judged either way, for having premarital sex or for keeping the baby. It's a TOUGH situation and I wouldn't wish ti on anyone, no matter how irresponsibly she behaved.
moving to a diff city will be a good idea. u can giv all emotional support u can but it won't stay a secret for long n no one can stop ppl's tongue. i wonder how come no body noticed anything at her wedding if she married in 4th or 5th week. tough situation
It was a very small wedding with mostly his family. She was always very curvy and I suppose she looked a little bit heavier but not pregnant.
I definitely think RV has a good point about needing families and making sure no matter how bad the situation...broken ties get mended. Your family will never be replaced and she will need them desperately at one point. Running away from them would be a mistake.
PCG said it right...what is done is done. As long as her husband is on board, tell her to make a new life for herself in a different community where she can concentrate on making the rest of her life a success.
Repent, yes. But how do we mere human beings know if a fellow human being has sincerely repented or not? We dont. Therefore, we leave that between this girl and her Creator.
Regardless, I think by the time she got married she had already realized her mistake. Telling her repeatedly will only drive her away from you and if you really want to help her...keep her close. She will need your support so give her ideas on what her next step should be.
Thanks everyone for the replies, they really helped. I'd really appreciate it if the thread can be locked soon. thanks.
Re: How do i help her?
So many ladies in west giv birth to kids n raise them without any parental support( their families being over seas). she'll manage fine without her family. its not time for added stress.
[quote="oreocookie"]
Her sisters talk to her and her mother talks to her now..its her father who isn't talking. He thinks he is doing the best thing he can in the situation, to let her come to him. but they have a pretty *strained relationship from teh start.
*
Well, at least it's good that the other family members are talking to her. Maybe the dad might come around after she has the baby. He's being immature. It's clearly a pride issue. How does the "waiting for her to come to ME" attitude......undo the mistake that was made.........or play a role in divine forgiveness...........or even better their strained relationship? There's absolutely no benefits whatsoever from such mentality. She can seek his forgiveness for betraying his trust......but the sin itself was not committed against him. She committed the gunnah against the boundaries set by Allah and against her own soul........so this sin requires Allah's forgiveness more than the parent's. If he can't realize that...........then it's mostly his wounded pride that he's placing above EVERYTHING. Anyhow, hopefully he'll come around one day.