Re: Happy Married Couples: Is it only an unrealizable Dream?
OMG, I just copied and pasted this to MS Word, so I could read it on my way to home and it is 12 pages long =|
Hoping to get something good out of this
Happy Married Couples: Is it only an unrealizable Dream?
"And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect" (Quran 30:21).
Marriage is one important aspect of one’s life that has so much to offer but it has to be earned. There are countless stories of sacrifice in this world, primarily by women and rarely by men - where all through their married lives, they sacrificed in one way or another. But there are also stories of successful partnerships which allowed both partners the mutual space on the values and the basis of equality and respect.
No-expectations model is one manner in which this partnership is approached with an understanding to be safe from disappointment at a later point in time. Yet, it is not a wrong idea to make an honest effort to work together in establishing the values and principles by which a healthy married life is successfully lived and enjoyed by both partners.
In the context of marriages of Muslims, both deen and dunya is kept in mind in envisioning a happy married life and factors which might make it so. More specifically, the interaction of the spouses as a team of two is emphasized, whose goal is to make their married life happy and content. Below are some aspects of leading a happy married life which are discussed to remind that needs and times may change, but it does not have to translate into changing the purity of trustworthiness as two people who are bind by the sacred bond of marital contract for a life-long commitment.
Knowing Each Other as One Knows One’s Own Self
Becoming someone’s better half, a life long joy of caring for someone, supporting someone through hardships in life, growing along with someone and making sure that the delicate thread of trust and respect is never forgotten and strained in any way, is a blessing. Anyone who starts a married life knows that there will be times when forgiveness will entail a sense of realization and that should be accorded once a mistake is made or an insensitive action is carried out.
One way that a couple can strengthen their bond against such a breach/es is to foresee some of this and prepare each other by being transparent and by listening to each other’s views on how both of them will like to handle in case such situations challenge their relationship as partners in the context of their marriage, especially when they have children.
A good spouse is the other spouse’s confidant. Anything said and shared between the two has sanctity. Self disclosure is a means to ensure trust and unbreakable confidence in each other. Everything from the spouse’s past life hardships, to their current concerns, wishes, dreams as well as fears must be listened to, acknowledged by the other partner and kept as a confidant. But the criterion is that one is an honest spouse to her/ his life partner her/him self. Getting to know one another while living with each other can come as a welcome change from single hood, as it essentially creates a longing-bond and a looking-forward-to-coming-home-to-someone-dear feeling, after all day’s travail. Learning to tolerate each other out of love is essential to allow minor and secondary idiosyncrasies to be forgiven and above all to value the whole person of one’s spouse.
Sharing and caring for each other becomes a second nature when both partners are able to understand each others’ emotional feelings, moods and worries as well as open and transparent with each other, for approaching an issue together without keeping each other unaware of inner motives, needs, thoughts and goals.
Quiet Time Alone
It is great to have personal time and space, besides work. That is where a couple can be together with each other for a few hours, and just be able to have a quiet reflection over their accomplishments in tending for the family or to find a few moments of independent personal reflection. From time to time, everyone will need such a buffer to replenish one’s personhood and feel ready to continue being a family member or head of the household, with a sense of personal achievement and inner contentment. A couple can also thank God together, in praying together for all the bounties of a healthy and happy married life.
Verbal and Non Verbal Communication
The manner in which partners communicate with each other, alone an in front of other people, is a reflection of how much they respect each other or even know each other. It includes their non verbal cues, facial expressions of joy or anger at the sight of each other, their choice of words, tone of voice, feelings that they convey through their sentences and how they refer to each other all can speak volumes of how they perceive each other and merit their relationship.
Needless-to-say, of course arguments will and should take place between partners but how they agree to disagree in a polite yet firm manner, will help them keep the same level of respect which they would like to accord to each other, if they were not arguing. It is not at all viable to blame each other without confronting in person therefore the use of phone calls and emails must be avoided at all costs. If anyone uses the distant means to imply, communicate or to run away, someone who claimed to be a partner, cannot be more uncaring, irresponsible and insensitive. There is nothing under the sun that two human beings cannot discuss standing face to face.
Intimacy: A key factor in Physiological, Emotional and Psychological Well-being and Health
The married couple has a life of its own as well, besides tending to the family. The level of comfort and care which the couple can develop for each other will set the trajectory of their intimate life which in turn ensures the quality of their physiological, emotional and psychological well-being and health. Healthy intimate life is essential to feeling strong companionship and care that extends beyond the physical and rests on an invisible but very deep and personal emotional connection with each other. Intimacy can define and refine the physiological, emotional and psychological state of both partners. Being able to heal each other through intimacy makes a long-term committed partnership viable.
Balancing One’s Time and Resources: Links with Original Families
In today’s times, family structure of a single unit family can balance the needs of the parents and siblings by making the time to visit them and to be there for them when there is a need. Too much interference and frequent interactions might provide favorable environment for the arguments and miscommunications to add on, which increases the chances for inadvertently or advertently compromising the good relationship between the couple. To circumvent this, a married couple can pre-decide how much they are willing to welcome family members to exert their thoughts and actions on the relationship and the married life of the couple.
Any argument arising out of time and monetary resources’ allocation to one’s original family has to be seen just as a distributable – but not a divisor of the relationship between husband and wife. Savings for the later life is a main goal for young couples, who want to retire with good savings. Decent and educated families will understand the need for the married couple and recognize their space in order to save for their own retired life as well as be able to give off of themselves, happily whenever family member or families call for help. Infrequent expenses can be supported reasonably on holidays such as Eid, for help in studies or marriage of a younger sibling, ensuring medical care for the aging parent/s, a younger sibling's wedding, or contributing in building a house for the parents - all are normal expenses.
When original families are in need of help, help must be given with an open heart, and also it is important to prevent someone from relying on one’s self too much, to a point that one will begin to think of them as greedy and uncaring. Otherwise, a couple should be kind and considerate of the needs of couple’s original families.
Joint Family Units: A plus or a Minus
In the context of traditional families who would want to hold on to their sons and daughters and expect to live with the married couple indefinitely, there is little to lose. Families ought be another name for cooperation and regard for blood relations.
Each couple can decide what works best for them. Some by nature would want to have company of elders and other in-laws around them and would be happy that they have someone to take care of their children when they are working. Others will still value their in-laws, but prefer to live as a single family unit away from the in-laws and that is fine too. Wherever respect can be protected and maintained, this method is better than living with ill-willed in-laws, under a constant tension spell. A marriage should not be so breakable that anyone can aim at instilling poison in its life and the pact of love and care between spouses who ideally should become their strongest source of support as life partners to each other, begins to dissolve. Definitely, a committed and wise couple must control how much influence they would allow anyone to have on their married life.
Time spent with family and blood relations is a unique opportunity for anyone who is married and it should be made memorable by recognizing the blessing of the presence of parents, siblings, grand parents, aunts and uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews and grandchildren. It is necessary to have a strong support system of loved ones, who can advise and help reconcile in case of a harmful argument between the couple. As a method of last resort, making an honest effort to save the marriage by brining an issue out to the table, and seeking serious advice from fair and well wishing parents and other family members is much better than going to a therapist or a lawyer.
Distinction of Roles: It’s Fine to Be a Woman and a Man and a Caring Human Being
Distribution of labor both inside and outside of the home is not an animal that people unfortunately make it to be. Soon after their wedding, a couple might begin to blame each other for not being perfect in doing ‘their work’ which is so unfortunate to hear. What one does for one’s family, needs to be done either with a sense of dedication and out of love, or one should not bother having a family at all. This is so, because otherwise, one is incapable of enjoying all the hard work that is put into work for the sake of the family.
It is no secret that based on the biology of woman and man, a wife and a husband has clearly different and specialized roles with children. Of course, only a mother can bear and breast feed a child up until a certain age, but a father can certainly hold the child and take care of the child, when the mother needs to rest. Likewise, when the father is stressed from work, the mother can take care of the child while the father rests.
If the woman also works throughout the married life, with the exception of the times after a newborn’s birth and when children are ready to go to school, it will be fine that she can resume her work status afterwards without neglecting couple’s home, children and the family life on the whole. Also, in illness, how a couple patiently and with absolute attention takes care of each other is another strong sign of a how healthy and committed their relationship is. It sets a good example for the children and even if they don’t have children, it impresses on other people, the blessing of a committed partnership of the couple.
There are economic as well as personal benefits for the educated and professional couples, since they have measured time to devote to their family outside of their work routines and commitments. And as it goes, what one strives for and attains has a lot more value than what is available in excess and may not be carefully utilized.
Cooking is a joy for many women and most would love to cook for their family. Some men like to cook, too. Keeping the house clean can be a shared responsibility. Other house chores like washing clothes, ironing them, taking garbage out, kitchen work of cleaning dishes, putting them away, fixing something that is broken or needs replacement, lawn maintenance, cars’ maintenance and so many other everyday house- hold tasks, can be done without fussing over who should do them. After all, it is the couple’s home.
In bearing a child, a mother is attached to the child more so than a father. But, when the child is born, the presence and love of both parents is required. It does not matter who stays more often and for how long with the child/ren, but the quality of the parental presence matters above all. Later on during early boyhood and girl hood, children will require concentrated attention from both parents which will be necessary for the children to develop healthy gender identity and know about the own gender roles, not stereotypic but fairly established for both genders in terms of their personal identity formation, shaping of a healthy self-concept, and a well-adjusted social status among their peers in school in the context of their gender identity, roles, growth and development.
Situational Breaches of Trust: How to Handle Them?
People as couples can plan as much as they possibly may, to make their married lives consistently happier and content. The intent has to be there from both partners. Certain situations arise which will challenge the couple to be mindful of each other and not give in to the spur of the situational factors. It is always healthy for couples to talk things through and for each one to never ever let their ill-defined assumptions carry their image of their partner.
In-laws and their behaviors, relatives, friends, colleagues, and neighbors should not be given any chance to destroy one’s married life with one’s spouse. Both partners must act as a shield to support and protect each other’s dignity and clearly indicate loyalty for each other, so that no one can attempt to tarnish their relationship.
A happy married life, thus, is a hard earned fruit of the long lasting consistent labor of true love, humility, kindness, gratitude and selflessness, which clearly must exclude the negative effects of all non-deliberate and especially deliberate mistakes, as in a happy married life, there is no room for doubts, suspicion, hostility, detachment, jealousy, control, anger, aggression, spitefulness and love that is not meant from the hearts. From its beginning to its ending, in the form of a separation or divorce or in the event of unbearable loss of the life of one of the partners, a happy marriage can only be sustained in itself on the basis of unconditional care, love, regard, confidence in each other, respect or each other, and the ability of each partner to fairly balance give and take in every day dealing with each other.
People who always remember their spouse in good words, both in private gatherings with extended family and even with people they interact with at their work, indicate one more stable and deep rooted sign of a positive and unbreakable bond between themselves and their spouses which further indicates the merit of a content and happy married life that they are able to maintain and enjoy.
Having and Raising Child/ren: Is not a Burden, But it Can be Made a Joy
A child is a blessing. The thought that one can become a means to bringing a life into this world and then tending for it, is a huge responsibility. If the task is done well, then it is really something to be humbly proud of and happy about. Humans stay the longest together out of all the species an they are always interdependent.
Everything from normal physical growth and development, intellectual, aesthetic, psychological, emotional, social and religious up- bringing of children will demand concentrated efforts on the part of both parents to hone in on the benefits of family life for the children thrive in and be thankful for when they grow up. Healthy attachment between children and parents develops when children are able to have uninhibited ability to share with their parents what is on their minds. It allows parents to be able to handle children together as a family.
Children at all ages need care, security, comfort and safety as well as warmth until they are ready to leave home for college and work and to begin their own family lives. Together with that, during late childhood (6-11)and early and late adolescence age (12-18), they need to be helped in building a healthy personal identity, focus on their academics and begin to experience growing into healthy young adults.
Simultaneously, there will arise the issues of academics and personal growth of children as able teenagers and youth who engage in civic and community awareness causes and steer clear of all harmful experimenting and bad peer pressures as they grow. The goal for the couple as parents, for their children becomes: a successful transition from being dependent to becoming relatively independent and moving onto college and working towards a degree so that a career basis is achieved. Then, there will be the struggle of getting a good career track going. Finally, grown up children will need support and help in settling down with a good and trustworthy life partner.
Some couples decide that they don’t want to have children and as long as their decision has a valid basis to them, it is no one’s prerogative to make them feel less as a couple. The quality of their married life as childless couple can be just as fulfilling, but even childless couples at times do feel that children are a source of joy. Perhaps, such a couple wants to channel their life times to betterment for other people’s children through their professions such as medicine or education and that is admirable.
Adjustment into a new Culture and Migration: Connection with the Original and Integration into the Present/Current Social Environment
As a couple migrates to a different country from its original place of birth, it is a challenge to integrate but should not frustrate the couple. As long as both are able to share their thoughts with each other, on the future development and improvement in the quality of life of the couple, a couple’s ability to have positive acceptance of change, realistic optimism, mutual trust in each other’s abilities to support each other though that change and being open minded will help them feel less disturbed or uncertain as they make the effort to establish their family in another land.
Personal Ambitions and Career Aspirations: Can Be Realized with Marriage
Personal educational and career goals are essential to feel a sense of achievement as an individual and also be of pride to one’s family and friends, because through these one is able to help by utilizing one’s expertise. It is invaluable to leave a legacy of good work ethics and foundation behind oneself to pass on to the next generations. But when children are young, and one spouse is able to work for enough income that the other can give more time to the children, then the best decision is to do so.
A couple who invests in the careers for the sake for better livelihoods but is mindful of the necessity of a healthy family life reaps the rewards of both with better planning that does not undermine careers of either unnecessarily and when either one of the partners need to sacrifice, the sacrifice is made as a welcome adjustment and not as a begrudging eventuality.
Arrangements for child care can ease the burden on the tired parents who come home in the evening, from work. Taking time off from work and doing one’s best in raising one’s kids is perhaps the most joyful task that a parent can perform with all zeal and driven spirit to maintain a healthy quality of family life.
Dedicated home-maker women with their nurturing ability can do so effectively. There can be no substitute of supportive and helpful men as spouses, who genuinely act as a source of sustaining a loving relationship between the couple.
Of Social Agency: A Couple is Worth Countless!
When a couple leads a happy married life, their children learn from good role models and the institution of marriage speaks for itself as an emblem of solid foundation of a family unit and a stable support system. By way of a couple’s professionally secure positions and socio-familial prestige, the chances of their becoming instrumental in proactively administering a better change in their extended family, community and beyond – becomes possible. That level of accomplishment will indeed need a lot of hard work over time, but eventually, it surfaces as a result of the success of the marriage and more directly is linkable to the mutual understanding and goal-oriented outlook of the couple on the life around themselves.
An Eye on the Old Age: Together
Marriage indeed is a name of a life-long commitment. People who are successful as married people are those who are successful because they put their heart and soul into their marriage, by indicating constant care for their companion and the rest of the family in a fair and balanced manner. As life’s challenges throw themselves to test the commitment of the couple, and as they deal with those challenges with all their resilience, it makes it easy for them to age gracefully because they have experienced life together against many hardships.
A committed couple who has seen all kinds of hardships also captures the moments of joy in family in pictures to view in future when their nest becomes empty. In and of it self, the pact of marital contract enables the couple to preserve their companionship and through the years keep building their trust and save the memories to recall in their old age, to appreciate just how beautiful their marriage and relationship has been.
Conclusion
It is hoped that this article shed some light on the various aspects of the married life and how it can be made fulfilling and content. Challenges such as difficult relationships, financial hardships and compromised health status to name a few circumstances, can be the telling times when the real partnership will shine through, as those are the times, when truly committed couples hold on to each other and together work towards making a difference in their lives and in the lives of those who they value. People will have to identify the good qualities in their prospective spouses and not over look them and once committed in a marital contract, they must try to be able to truly dedicate themselves to looking after their spouse and children. Some men and women have certain privileges in being thoughtfully caring always.
There is a reason why marital contract is made a sacred seal on the relationship of two people, who were individuals before, but when they became a couple their existence took on a new meaning and adapted a very different but unified ‘bend’ which is flexible enough to withstand all kinds of pressures, but also strong enough to remain steadfast on its basis i.e. the fair values and consistent principles on which the couple mutually decided to establish their family life.
The zeal and zest for each other, in the lives of content married couple resides in their inner most desire to want only each other as companions. By no means, as a replacement will they seek anyone else. Such a thought as this never even would cross their minds. No one else can take that place in their eyes and hearts which they hold for each other. Quran said it beautifully, "...they are as a garment for you, and you are as a garment for them... (2:187)."
Note: The views shared in this article are of the writer and are not meant to be read as expert advice.