carry on with nikkah or get a divorce???

Lifestyle Relationships
21

grooms family knew that she is becoming a doctor and they were OK with that or they didnt discuss that before nikkah.on the other side gals parents say that they were not blind ‘‘beeta unn ko pata tha ,they are just checking ur patience.you know nah humaree family mai aj taak kissi nai DIVORCE nahi lee.beeta jaab tum saath rahoo gi nah tou woh khud tumaree baatain manai gah’’
plus her saas thinks that becoming a doctor is NOT a BIG thing ,you can find doctors crawling everywhere .Big thing is to be obidient to hubby and his parents:omg:

now at this stage she is alone .only have her sister on her side.today i was shocked to see her face :eek: dark circles were under her eyes in 2 days:(such people still exist in north america..come on guys go back to pakistan if you cant quit such habbits.Do you think its easy to become a doctor in NA:hoonh:

22

:slight_smile: i think the saas would never admit it, but it is absolutely true that pakistani saasain, (mother in laws) are very proud (dil hi dil mein) about their “daaktar” bahoos…‘apnay betay ke liay mein daaktar bahoo laai’ , sort of thing…

your friend’s saas would never admit this to your friend’s face, but i am sure among other community/rishtedaars her saas does feel a certain sense of achievement or accomplishment that she has been able to marry off her son to a daaktar bahooo, (chahay voh bahoo baad mien achar gosht hi bananay jitni reh jayay, phir bhi betay ke liay yeh rishta pakka kar lenaa hi bari shaan ki baat hei, it shows other ppl in familiy/community that her son, was worth it!!! and had some value shalue u know)

she ofcourse wont admit this pride to your friend…aur abhi se yeh jo jali kuti baaten sunnaaa rahin hein ke “doctors are so common, its not a big deal” its because she knows that in her community it kinda sometimes is a big deal…

and some times the daaktaar bahoos do get extra “ruaab” and extra oomph shoomph, and do get a big head/inflated ego…

Mother in law is just saying jali kuti ahead of time because she doesnt want your friend to get a big head… (i am not saying your friend is going to do this, but i have seen this happen where the highly educated daaktar bahoo comes to an ok si moderately educated family and really does want everyone to bow before her, and bend over their backs for her)

i think its a wrong approach by the ssaas to assume so much, shes is just trying to break your friend in… and is just acting like a typical pakistani saas, saying all jali kuti waaaaaay ahead of time, and showing all her own insecurities…

i think theres a big chance that her inlaws will let her complete medical school … haan but your friend will have to hear a lot jali kuti things like doctor bannana konsa mushkil hei this and that… because they are afraid that your friend will get a superiority complex … they are ofcourse testing her patience as well (they knew she was becoming a doctor, and it may even have played a major part in them liking her as a potential bahoo, although they wont admit it)

your friend should ask her parents “what happens agar rukhsati ke baad voh mujhay medical training/school janay se manna kar dein” “what happens if they don’t let me go for specialization” ? what would you as my parents , and as arrangers of this marriage, do for me in that case?

she should get her parents word and their promise that they will back her up… she should also force her parents, to have a word with the damaad and MIL about her studies Now, before rukhsati…

relation of fiance and fiancee
23

Re: carry on with nikkah or get a divorce???

:halo: i smell trouble, and it doesnt seem a temporary one either. Theres two options on the table; either she stands up for her future now by setting out her own conditions to her husband, or she can give up and take a back seat for the rest of her life. cuz one thing is clear… if her folks arent ready to back her up now, then what makes anyone think they will later on?

24

Re: carry on with nikkah or get a divorce???

Your friend really needs to have an open discussion with her husband. The husband wanted a stay-at-home wife...nothing wrong with that really. But SHE wanted to be a career wife and mother. Nothing wrong with that either. But if the marriage is going to work at all, they have to decide for themselves and between themselves how they will work out their married life. Who knows, maybe the guy will decide he doesnt want the marriage. Or that he could live with having a career wife. The parents on both sides should be left out of this entirely - they got this couple into this mess to begin with. Now its up to the couple to figure it out. The only way to do this is with open and honest communication.

as an aside, I'd like to ask about "nikahfied"...does this mean that the couple is actually married? Are they living together? Have they consummated the marriage?

25

Re: carry on with nikkah or get a divorce???

^ married, but not consummated.

26

Re: carry on with nikkah or get a divorce???

i think your friend schould talk with his husband..
first thing is ke parents ki ghalti hai..unko chahye tha jab beti ka rishta kar rahe the ,to ladke walon ko batate ke unki daughter job karna chahti hai..at least parents ko apne bachon ka sab se ziyada malum hota hai
to unka kam hai aisa rishta dekhain jahan unki beti ko problems na hon...
but i think on the otherside.. job karna itna bhi zaroori nahi hai...apki friend ko chahye, ke apne husband se har feeling share karain aur agar wo job par aitraz kar rahe hain to wo ahista ahista shadi ke bad mana bhi sakti hain...lekin aisa tab hi hoga jab wo apne husband se apne dil ki har bat kiya karengi aur unhe ye ehsas dilayengi ke at first is husband than are other things important...

27

Re: carry on with nikkah or get a divorce???

You don't need to be a rocket scientist to work this one out. Call of the marriage! The guy needs a khansama not a wife.

28

This is the most sensible advice so far. I second that.

29

Re: carry on with nikkah or get a divorce???

I am sorry..but the guy has been trained to be a male version of the mother in law..soo..steer clear of this so called 'rishta'....rishtey aise nahin bante.
if she really thinks she can make the guy understand..try first....i would try to see how much damage has been done to the guy....but remember...fixing is not an option if she is planning on living with her in laws..

30

Re: carry on with nikkah or get a divorce???

the suggestions that you will get from here will be 'I don't really care about this girl but this is what she should do because i think that will be the best solution for her'. If it works out okay and if it doesn't work out then okay too.

i would say that the girl should firstly talk to her parents and question them why they got her "nikahfied" with someone like him...and then go from there. i believe that the suggestions that she would get from there would be the best ones.

31

Re: carry on with nikkah or get a divorce???

what does the guy himself do?

why did the parents of the guy seek a girl who was qualified?

its the parents fault (moreso the girls parents) for going ahead with the nikkah... did they not discuss this with the grooms parents prior to getting them nikahfied? i just dont get people...

she really needs to get her parents involved and clarify things with her hubby... bechari

32

Re: carry on with nikkah or get a divorce???

hmm.. that sounds soo stupid.. ok fine, the nikaah was arranged.. but she shud have told her parents that whoever they'll get her married with .. the parents shud clarify the wishes of her...there shudnt have been any problem if the girl's parents have told the boy's parents what she wanna become doctor.

33

Re: carry on with nikkah or get a divorce???

Natalia:

Feel sorry for your friend. There's a disaster written all over this marriage. She still has time to free herself and find the right guy for him even if she has to go against her family. Doesn't she deserve a life of her choice? After all that's her life.

34

Re: carry on with nikkah or get a divorce???

They will be better off importing a wife for their noney-haal beta, who could cook well, get up early in the morning, take care of their laadla sahibzada, and themselves.

35

I think she should talk to him directly about it..lay out her goals very clearly and be clear as to what she is expecting…but she should do this face-to-face..so she can see how his facial expression remains throughout the conversation.
These guys nowadays are so irrational at times..I mean when he found about your friend..he was well aware that she was studying medicine…and a life as a doctor it doesn’t take a genious to discover that it’s a demanding job, hence to ask for a domesticated traditional doormat to be at your service 24-7 is NOT possible…ofcourse there are some professions (including doctors) who can balance a professional and domestic life easily…but your friend’s husband seems the time that would want her to be at home at all times…waiting for her with a pot of currie cooking in the kitchen…
With specilization at least it’s flexible…but if he is not willing to compromise and adjust to her lifestyles..she needs to make that choice..give up her career and ambitions or stick with this dude who doens’t seem understanding…
Its not too late…better now than when she gets married and there’s children int he picture…

36

After my engagement my MIL told us that mera beta achay achay khanay khata hai etc, we all laughed at that comment, kay kon bura khana shouq say khana pasand kerta hai and at that time I was doing job in a hospital as a pharmacist she also told us he don't like that his wife do job, after some time I resigned from my job due to marriage preparation. When I got married he told me he wants me to do job, becoz job creates confidence in a person, I said your mother said this and that, he replied forgot that. So I think things will be better after conversation, and MIL makes confusion in life for few years but afterwards life in going smoothly with hubby.

37

Re: carry on with nikkah or get a divorce???

well she needs really to find out if that guy really want her not to work after marriage then i think its against the norms and waste of skills of a professional. this should be discussed clearly and mind its better to do it now than later. i wouldnt care about the comments of MIL at all if the guy is not your type and not supportive then end it right here. or he is just fantacising about an ideal house wife without thinking about the realities he should be made realise that and dont get answer yes from him as he may do so if thinks that your friend is going to end the marriage.

38

even if they did allow her to continue her career, her MIL is still nasty for no reason…theek hai aaj kal baray shaan k masalay milte hain…lekin woh bhi wohi use karti hogi so what’s her prob?!! i would leave, but you know, i think parents ko bhi acha tarah se chaan bheen karni chahiye

Jias, your husband sounds awesome :thumbsup:

39

Thanks, Masha-Allah he is a nice man.