Killer Biscuits
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline).
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brain in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck to the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Yes, Linda is a blonde.
Editor note: She should have known it wasn't her brain, blonds don't have one.
The Blonde and the Olive...
A blond was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.
"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.
"Big Deal," muttered the blond. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."
Male Blond Joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I getburritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again". If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box,saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
Are you ready for it?
The blond's wife said: Hey, don't look at me!! He packed his own lunch.
8 Degrees of Blonde
ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here! " and hung up.
The husband inquired, "Who was that? " to which the wife replied, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear. ' "
TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar. " The second blonde says, "Here, let me see! " So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me! "
THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it. " The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next! "
FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them. " A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin? " The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W. "
FIVE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine? "
SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God! " the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am? " "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen? " the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing! " the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was . . . " "Uh, ma'am, " the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth. "
SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman! "
EIGHT
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
I Think
A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The professor asked him to tell something of his life. He began, "I think -" The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor.
See You Pretty Soon
Walking his blonde date to the front door, Keith said to her, "Will I see you pretty soon?"
"What's the matter," she asked, hurt. "Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
Outstanding
A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?" He replied, "I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field."
Jamaica
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The flight attendant tells her that she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, "As long as there's an available seat, I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The flight attendant gets the head flight attendant, who asks the woman to leave. Again, she says "As long as there's an available seat, I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The flight attendants don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head flight attendant asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."