Just wondering how could she have hide this from parentsjust at age 10? and than keep it a secret all these years.
It is true secret_obsession. When incident happens usually the child is scared and doens't understand exactly what had happened to them. Thus, they try to ignore it all these yrs, but it is unforgetable and it stays at back of their head. When they grow up, at certain time it comes back...they realize whatever happened to them was wrong.
I had friend who had something similar happen to her aswell..
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Not much she can do I suppose. But I think getting it of her chest will be good for her ultimately, regardless of whether her parents believe her or not…And if her fiance doesn;t understand, then he is not worth marrying…
Its a tough decision but, but thats life unfortunetly..
I have heard that just coming out with this sorta stuff really is beneficial..
I would suggest that she should kill the mad who did it, well its not realistic. she should marry a man who is willing to accept her with her past. Not all men look for pure women , to a lot of them purity or impurity doesn't mean anything. Also that being raped does not mean somebody is impure.
Why do people have problems if someone is seeking religious input/command on this issue? Religion is not just to say your prayers and do as you desire with rest of your life. If someone seeks every aspect of his/her life to be religious, it just shows how pious one wants to be. If you don't care about your piety, it does not mean that others don't care as well.
I feel very sad for her. It depends on how well educated that husband-to-be is, and how understanding he is. There are ways she can drive him to believe that rape victims are "victims" specially at age of 10 (when immature, not adult yet) and people should standy the victims and not run away from victims. Also, if she believes that husband-to-be can keep it to himself then tell him.
I don't see it as her "obligation" to tell now (after 11 years, when it is impossible to prove her right).
To tell parents and still keep it low would be her judgment call.
May Allah SWT guide us all towards right and help us follow the right
I guess her husband wouldn't know if she didn't tell him but the only hard thing is that she'll have feeling of guilt for not telling him...can't suggest anything...
similary, a friend of mine was raped by her mamu(her mother's blood brother)when she was 11 yrs old and she told her parents but they didn't believe it!! Now, she's married and her husband doesn't know about it..
they probably havent have sex yet
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[This message has been edited by secret_obsession (edited June 28, 2002).]
How can her husband not know about it, did he not think he was marring a virgin?
What the hell this virginity is issue is relevant only for women, while the husband can roam around like an evil sheikh before and after marriage!
Girls/ women know well how to make fool of their husbands on the very first night if it is required.
Let our married male members on these forums recollect the first night and think twice if they were not made fool off.
anand
why dont u enlighten us with your experiences and the tricks.
Dear s_o,
By putting up question this way you cannot oblige me that you are totally innocent.
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Ofcourse, they had sex and she’s pregnant these days. Well, sometimes if a girl is lucky she doesn’t get pregnant when raped, probably because, she wasn’t mature at that time. And if a girl didn’t get pregnant then she can easily fool off her husband…There are other ways a girl’s …condition look the same as if she was raped/blah blah so…well I don’t think I can explain that ‘how’ in here.
Thank you everyone for your time to write out those replies, I really truly appreciate it.
…Ums, your Duas for her are much needed. Thank you so much.
…GfQ, many thanks. Just sent three replies, please check your mail.
…Ibrahim, many many thanks, that was a very informative post
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The man who raped her is not going to confess to committing it. I agree it would have been best if the truth had been revealed when the rape occurred, but she was ten and she told me she was just too scared to stop him.
…Kashish and Clubber Lang, Many thanks for your reply. It would be extremely helpful if she discussed this with a female Muslim counsellor or Imam, but she does not want to meet them face-to-face. She, or I, could send an e-mail to them anonymously. I’m scared to press her on it too much because I know I cannot begin to understand the position she’s in and I want to try and respect her feelings without making her feel that I’m placing pressure on her about anything. The Istikhara is a very good point.
…Eemo, Thanks for the reply. That was VERY mature of you to understand but sadly not all guys will be like that. What happens if she tells the guy and he can’t (or doesn’t want to) handle being in this situation and breaks off the rishta? Her parents will demand a valid reason from him then.
…Farouq Taj, Many many thanks for your reply. I don’t think she can handle ostracisation from her family; Khudanakhasta I hope it never comes to that.
…Anand, when we discussed this she told me she can’t physically deceive her husband about not being a virgin; we did discuss all the possible scenarios but she said she doesn’t want to base her marriage upon a lie.
…Old Lahori, many thanks for your Duas.
Old Man, many many thanks for your reply. The husband has to be told I agree, secrets always have a way of revealing themselves ultimately. She’s terrified to tell her parents - she is scared they will not believe that she was raped & will, instead, believe that she’s making it up and willingly had pre-marital sex with someone at university. Only God Knows the truth, what can I say about her character? She is one of the nicest people I know. I know her mother & I know that she loves her & I think her mother would believe her, but I am not too certain about the rest of her family. The man who raped her is an extremely close member of the family whom the parents look up to; he practically lives in the house. I’ve met the guy and he has a firm sway over the parents.
…Secret Obsession,
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I agree with you; being raped does NOT mean one is “impure”.
…Changez_Like, Many many thanks for your reply. I feel that she should tell her husband-to-be, but how to know whether or not he will decide to bolt and tell everyone else? He might seem REALLY understanding on the surface, but some (not all) guys can be jerks about this.
[quote]
Originally posted by Nadia_H:
The man who raped her is not going to confess to committing it. I agree it would have been best if the truth had been revealed when the rape occurred, but she was ten and she told me she was just too scared to stop him.
[/quote]
Ibrahim says : salaams to all
Dear Sister,
All this is understood and People who have become parents will understand them too.
Anyway, Insha Allah , let me advice you how this can be resolved.
First NO parent would like to hear any of this from and “outsider”, meaning such information should only be conveyed to them directly by the girl or their immediate relatives . So here she needs to identify “who” she is comfortable with and whether that person will be willing to trust her, as well as have a good relationship with her parents too. Preferably a female elder that will be able to inform her mother who will take it up with her father rationally and privately .
** The problem here is that because they are living together and the man may have felt he is secure, it could happen again if not to her to someone else in that family or even after her marriage ( Allah (swt) forbid) provided it was not an act done under the influence of alcoholic drinks or the like, and the culprit had repented or seek forgiveness .**
Now it will be up to the parents to decide as to how they wish to handle this matter. I assure you NO parent will be able to accept this, happening in their own household but these things are prevalent in Hindu customs and is one reason why they have virginity test/rituals on marriage, where the women has to undergo certain trials in the marriage ceremony itself .
The Jews too have the test by looking at the soiled bed sheets on the first night the couples are together ( which is shia custom too) , which will be used as evidence when there is an accusation by the husband (for which I have quoted the biblical reference in my earlier post)
** Now the criminal here is the rapist not the victim , even when evidence is not available and only the victim’s statements are available, Allah (swt) had already revealed as to what to do in such cases ( already given you the verses as written in the Qur’an) .**
** As such encourage the girl to get this matter OFF her chest ( since it is bothering her and she won’t be able to keep it a secret anymore) to one of her relations on the condition that they (whom ever is close to her) helps her reveal it to her mother before she ends up being drowned by it.**
I had guided a few couples who had similar marriage hiccups by providing them with a tailored questionnaire as to what they will do in various situations long time back . maybe you can pose her some questions in writing or even write her statements and give it to her mother ** or pose such a situation happening to someone else and see what is her mothers reactions towards such situations ** . .
** The best option is to tell the parents and seek their advise FIRST. ** Remember she was 10 and frightened but now she is no more ten and cannot claim she is still in fear and her future may depend on it. ** The problem worsens when parents come to hear of such matters from others , their whole world starts collapsing, so advice her to turn to the parents before bringing it up with anyone else. **
May Allah (swt) guide her and you to do only what is good for her.
Was salaam
Ibrahim
** the knowledge of the end is with Creator alone and only the afternoon knows what the morning NEVER suspected **
i m not gona talk religion or something here just one true story i know.
I know this girl, she was rapped at about same age, she was like 10. it happened in kwait, she kept it secret too, she was scared. her parents realized something has happened, she was almost lost & went crazy, shocked. after 5-6 years she managed to tell her mother.
Her father then came back to pakistan hopping she will get better back home, atleast they will be far apart from the place that happened. they were quite right, shes perfectly fine now. did her graduation in arts & might be leaving for UK if she gets addmission there for masters.
she has a fiance & she has told him what happened to her. he even loves her more now. understands what she have gone thru.
Maybe she was just lucky to have understanding parents & fiance, ppl who brought her back from insanity, & taught her life never ends & it goes on, & make her beleive it was not her fault.
I just wanted to say that she toke her chances by telling the ppl she loved & it worked for her, maybe ur friend can take the same chances, if the guy didnt understand her right now maybe he wont understand her in future too, even in other things. i think it would be better if she takes her chances.
i read a few posts only and theyre have been a number of good insights.
im not sure if anyone mentioned this yet. if she discloses the 11 year old secret now, she could be thought of as making excuses for some premarital relationships she might have had recently. i hope it does not come to this but looking at a worse case scenario, theres no telling what our educated madrasah leaders can come up with.
this could mean disclosing now couldnt really be an option. unless the person she discloses to, trusts her way too much.
and why would I even try to oblige any innocency to you.
but since you have inshight knowledge about evil shikhs and their horny wives and are asking others to recollect their experiences. why dont you start the conversation from yours.
[This message has been edited by secret_obsession (edited June 30, 2002).]
eemo
Besides , a girl isnt accountable for her sins until she becomes a woman (i.e reaches puberty). So she isnt accountable for what happened to her at the age of 10 either way.
Its not her sin that she was raped. Its sin on the part of the rapist.
Didn't you read the Quranic ayas posted above your thread?
You know where it says that a woman must marry her rapist.
I have some questions about that.
- Is that only if the girl is pregnant?
Many rapists are actually psychos, so marriage with a rapist may lead to more misery for the girl...should the man be checked out by a psychologist first before marrying the girl, or would you wait after the marriage when the girl has been even more damaged by the psychotic husband. And is divorce permissable in such a case?
Would the girl we're talking about have to marry her uncle ? Given that, if he's a chaacha or mamoo, she can't marry in the first place?
I feel terrible for her. The man deserves to be pointed out, and punished appropriately. But that depends upon the law of the land. The rapist could turn the case over into an adultery case if she resides in Pakistan, or any arab lands. In which case she ought to remain mum, but definitely, she must tell her husband -- its terrible to open the marriage with a lie, and its worse if he treats her like garbage if she tells him after marriage. If he thinks , UnIslamically, that she's impure, then good riddance - she doesn't need a jerk like him.
[quote]
Originally posted by Nadia_H:
i am asking this for a friend of mine who is not Pakistani but comes from a Muslim family with extremely conservative parents and a conservative Muslim culture. Serious replies would be most appreciated. Something really, really horrible happened to her around the age of 10 that will - **inevitably - affect her married life later on. Please absolutely understand that she was NOT, in any way whatsoever, at fault. She was raped by someone in her family. Solely from an Islamic point of view, is it her obligation to tell her soon-to-be spouse of this childhood incident? Her parents are not aware of it as she has kept it a secret from almost everyone. What should she do, from an Islamic point of view?
If she tells the potential spouse, he will almost certainly break off the marriage (unless he is terribly understanding and mature, 50/50 chance of that). If she tells him, she also has to tell her parents which she is literally terrifed to do. She doesn't know what the repercussions of that will be, she told me she doesn't believe her parents will believe her.
She's 21 now, this occurred when she was about 10.**
[/quote]
Nadia,
Islamic revelations were made by Allah (swt) during a short period of time in direct response to events & experiences that the Prophet (saw) and his companions (RA) encountered. It is very likely that there may not be any Quranic revelations or Hadeeths regarding this matter.
However, Islam was bestowed upon humanity so that we may live in peace & harmony with ourselves and with others. We must also keep in mind that 1400 years ago, therapist were not in existence (atleast not in the modern sense).
I think your friend has bigger issues than facing her parents or telling her finace. Anyone who has been violated especially by a family member & has concealed that has not dealt with a number of emotions.
If you've ever read about victims of rape & incest, you'll know that they have a tremondous amount of anger, rage, and shame. She must make peace with herself first, and figure out how to deal with this issue. I believe a professional therapist or psychologist will be able to direct her in the best manner.
Regardless of what she says and how normal she appears, she needs to work this traumatic issue out before she takes a permanant step like marriage.