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  • Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

    Recently had an argument with husband where it came out that he finds home life stressful because I am too dependant on him. He feels I need to be more proactive make more decisions without involving him. Examples he gave though seemed like little things and not really something to be stressed about. Things like if the bin in bedroom isn't emptied as soon as possible he finds that annoying. If things aren't cleared away in kitchen asap. He also mentioned that I should consider myself lucky that he helps out with our children because other husbands don't do that. If he helps feed them or put them to bed then that's lucky for me. But that's just what fathers do so I'm not sure why he thinks it should be such a big thing for me. He implied that he was doing his duty as a husband but i am failing in my duty as a wife. He said he wants me to be more proactive but he couldn't give me a definite answer in what way he wants that. He doesn't want to be involved in any house related or children related decisions and he wants me to do it all myself which I can understand if its small things but big things should be a joint decision shouldn't they? Since the argument he's also been distant, hardly talks, no verbal or physical affection of any kind. I'm not sure how to deal with it. Any advice would be appreciated. His attitude is really getting me upset. I find myself crying but if I tell him I'm upset it doesn't seem to affect him. I can't ask family or friends for advice.

  • #2
    Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

    Why did you get married?

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

      Originally posted by KhaZa1216 View Post
      He feels I need to be more proactive make more decisions without involving him. He doesn't want to be involved in any house related or children related decisions and he wants me to do it all myself which I can understand if its small things but big things should be a joint decision shouldn't they?
      So what exactly caused this latest argument? What is your definition of a big thing that you think he should be involved in?

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

        The two examples you gave of clearing out the trash bin and dishes is more of a housekeeping issue, what does that have to do with you being more proactive? Do you wait until he says something before you take care of these tasks?

        Can you give some examples of things he wants you to take care of without consulting him that you're not?

        In my own family, I am pretty much in charge of all things kids/house related. Anything that has to do with the kids, their activities, schooling, shopping, socializing, etc or home related like decorating, upgrades, improvements, repairs etc is taken care of by me. I keep my husband involved by letting him know what's going on and definitely discussing financial/budgeting decisions with him, but other then that, I don't wait around for him to make a decision or do something himself, unless it's a repair that I know he can take care of himself..then I just ask him to fix it and he does lol And I also have a full time career outside of the house. If there is a scheduling conflict because of my work or I need help with pickup/drop off, he definitely jumps in to help or works from home that day. Is it really a bad thing to have one parent in charge of one thing?


        


        

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        • #5
          Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

          ignore him back. hes an idiot. all men are idiots. And while you are at ignoring him, put extra salt in his food intentionally. thats how you handle arguments like a mature adult.

          you can also throw his trouser down which he leaves hanging around where it shouldnt be and jump on it.
          Vekh hun.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

            Originally posted by Paheli00 View Post
            So what exactly caused this latest argument? What is your definition of a big thing that you think he should be involved in?
            We argued about how our two year old wasn't in any kind of routine. She IS in a routine but not in a routine he thinks is suitable for her. However seeing as how I an home with our toddler every day and he isn't the routine works for us. Plus everyone comes home at 7pm in the evening and this is why she goes to sleep at 8pm. I used to put her to bed at 7pm but then my in laws and my husband complained that they didn't get enough time with her so her bedtime was changed to suit the needs of the family. Also he decided with my FIL and MIL that our toddler should start nursery because it will help her get into a routine better and that she can be educated in a better way than what I can do with her. Whether our child starts nursery or not and when should be a decision made by both of us. I am our child's mother, I know what's best for her because I am with her 24/7. But he said he didn't think he was wrong and this is what's happening. Straight after he told me he wants me to make more independent decisions. Which makes no sense because the decisions I make are mainly based around our children. And whatever decision is needed to be made concerning nursery or school or anything like that should be a joint decision between us. My argument on why she is too young for nursery and how it isn't necessary was ignored. I take her out to the park, we go to playgroups, I take her to mum and baby classes. Where is the need for an early nursery start when I provide this for her already?

            Comment


            • messedup
              messedup commented
              Editing a comment
              Good job mama!!
              U need to then ask him y suddenly he thinks the kid needs to be in school?? Somehow i feel sending kids school this early is stealing away their childhood. The more they play, the more they learn. So if ur already taking effort to socialize ur kid, i guess it should be enough for her age. And ur rite, its ur baby, and mama's knows best, so u decide what is needed and what can wait.

          • #7
            Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

            Just say yes to end the argument. You don't have to act upon your husband or inlaws' suggestions.
            “I'm quite illiterate, but I read a lot. ”

            Comment


            • #8
              Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

              I think your problems go deeper than just not emptying trash bins on time. What I understand from your post is that he would like you to clean the kitchen as soon as possible instead of your own timeline. Bins too should be empty when he fills these are almost full, while you might think they still have room. I guess for big decisions you mean that for example whether she should go to public or private school should be a joint decision while what you should cook for her today should be yours alone. Your husband seems like a very management oriented person and likes things neat and streamlined.

              Think of an office where things are under control mostly, that's how he would like to see it. Try and organize yourself so that you have ample time to clean up after each meal, empty bins when these are three fourths full instead of to the brim, make sure baby is fed, neat and clean when he comes home and you also look presentable. Don't ask him for advice for each and every thing and try to be proactive.

              Comment


              • #9
                Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                Originally posted by khattichic View Post
                The two examples you gave of clearing out the trash bin and dishes is more of a housekeeping issue, what does that have to do with you being more proactive? Do you wait until he says something before you take care of these tasks?

                I have no idea. I admit the last few months I've let the housekeeping slide but I had our second child two months ago and it was a difficult birth. I still have not fully recovered and I am also anaemic and have low thyroid levels which contributes to tiredness. We live with my MIL, FIL and two SILs. And they have been helping out with our toddler and new baby. But even that seems to say to him that I'm being lazy and slow. He said I'm relying on them too to help out. But I'm not. Once I'm better and baby is in a routine which will hopefully be in a few weeks then I'll be doing all the childcare myself. Is it wrong to ask for help when you've had a baby???

                Can you give some examples of things he wants you to take care of without consulting him that you're not?

                Again I have no idea :/ he couldn't give me an actual answer to that. I asked too but he said I should use my head to realise what those things are. And he gave examples of the bin and dishes. Other things were he ordered some towels a few days ago because we needed some, I told him I'd go buy some but he said he was online and looking at a good deal so he'd do it so I agreed. But now apparently I shouldn't have done that because its just one extra thing he had to do which contributes to his stress. Its like everything he's ever done, fed our toddler or given her a bath while I was busy with baby, brought me some water while I was feeding baby, or taken baby when he's got bad colic to give me a break has all been stressful and things he shouldn't have to do. But I never demanded that he do those things, he didn't have to do them if he didn't want to. I'm not sure what he's even talking about.

                In my own family, I am pretty much in charge of all things kids/house related. Anything that has to do with the kids, their activities, schooling, shopping, socializing, etc or home related like decorating, upgrades, improvements, repairs etc is taken care of by me. I keep my husband involved by letting him know what's going on and definitely discussing financial/budgeting decisions with him, but other then that, I don't wait around for him to make a decision or do something himself, unless it's a repair that I know he can take care of himself..then I just ask him to fix it and he does lol And I also have a full time career outside of the house. If there is a scheduling conflict because of my work or I need help with pickup/drop off, he definitely jumps in to help or works from home that day. Is it really a bad thing to have one parent in charge of one thing?

                I am in charge of our children, getting groceries, buying things we need for them or the house, housekeeping, general things like that too. I'm a stay at home mum at the moment and with our next baby I'm not going back to work anytime soon anyways. My in laws stay with us and my FIL is in charge of household bills, my MIL is in charge of the running of the house in general and the kitchen, my husband pays the mortgage. I help out with the house and kitchen though, its not like I do nothing in the house. I do the general cleaning and make food daily. My husband is not involved in these things so I'm not sure why he thinks I've involved him when I haven't. I don't need him to be in charge of these things anyways because why would he be???,
                I've answered in bold to your questions

                Comment


                • #10
                  Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                  Originally posted by eastern11 View Post
                  I think your problems go deeper than just not emptying trash bins on time. What I understand from your post is that he would like you to clean the kitchen as soon as possible instead of your own timeline. Bins too should be empty when he fills these are almost full, while you might think they still have room. I guess for big decisions you mean that for example whether she should go to public or private school should be a joint decision while what you should cook for her today should be yours alone. Your husband seems like a very management oriented person and likes things neat and streamlined.

                  Think of an office where things are under control mostly, that's how he would like to see it. Try and organize yourself so that you have ample time to clean up after each meal, empty bins when these are three fourths full instead of to the brim, make sure baby is fed, neat and clean when he comes home and you also look presentable. Don't ask him for advice for each and every thing and try to be proactive.
                  I hope I don't sound completely clueless but proactive how? In the ways you've suggested? Like be more organised and quicker in the things I do? Thank you for your suggestions and advice I really appreciate it. He's also ignoring me and being quite cold at the minute. Should I just focus on fixing this and just let him come around?

                  Comment


                  • #11
                    Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                    Why is he not clearing the dishes or the bin... He sounds like a micromanager who wants to get thinks done his way and not actually do the dirty work himself. He is also belittling all the decisions just because they are not his. All that talk about you making your own decisions is BS. He's looking at you as a little girl who needs guidance and hand holding because from his perspective all of your decisions are dumb. He wants you to outgrow that silly habit and act like a mature person by agreeing to his every decision. This is classic anal behaviour pretty much in every textbook and honestly a time will come when you'll be breathing wrong. You need to find a way to say jee huzoor without actually bowing to his every whim because he's going to get critical critical and will question every single decision.

                    ps: I'm not even kidding about the textbook part. Any person who has opened a psychology book can recognise this behaviour instantly.

                    Comment


                    • #12
                      Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                      https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...is-controlling

                      Emotional Abuse: The Quiet Killer ⋆ LonerWolf

                      Please read this asap. I don't think you're at fault at all.

                      Comment


                      • #13
                        Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                        Originally posted by hareem01 View Post
                        Just say yes to end the argument. You don't have to act upon your husband or inlaws' suggestions.
                        I told him she wasn't going and there was no need for it until she's at least three. He said the decision was made, she IS going, she's starting in September and he has an application form for a nursery near where my FIL works. He's spoken to the nursery manager and wants her doing four sessions every morning. They last five hours, from 7:30am to 12:30pm. Its like the three of them against me. He said I hadn't given a valid argument for her to NOT start nursery. And he thinks she needs it and its in toddlers best interests. And this is a decision which comes under the stress category he was talking about. He wants me toake decisions but then does it himself anyways??? And how am I supposed to drop her off at 7:30am with a newborn baby? He feeds every two hours right now, what if its time for a feed? I just leave him to get toddler ready at 6am? Then take them both to drop toddler off at nursery?

                        Comment


                        • messedup
                          messedup commented
                          Editing a comment
                          Congratulations on the new baby! Wish u and the baby a healthy and happy life ahead.
                          Tell him pregnancy and delivering a baby is not easy, and it gets more difficult with the second when, especially when u have a toddler. They say "It takes a village to raise a kid", so if the entire family is contributing to it, then he shouldnt have a problem. Also, if he feels ur lucky to have a husband like him who takes care or contributes in childcare, tell him, how lucky he is to have a wife who can give him 2 kids. Truly its a blessing. Giving birth is not easy, especially when u have difficulties post birth. So tell him to be a little patient. Share with him links or reading material of what mothers go thru after giving birth, so he knows ur struggle.
                          Break a deal. Tell him since its his decision to put the toddler in nursery, and not urs, he has to do it. He can take the effort to get ur daughter ready and drop her at the nursery, cos u need to be with the infant. Unless, he can feed him and take care of him. Bachein baap ke bhi hotein hai, so he won't be doing a favor to u.
                          Men sometimes can be arrongant...(sometimes is an understatement, most of the times actually).

                          Try this, u keep things clean and ready before he arrives, make something special for him and then try to talk to him as to what has happened suddenly.

                          It had happened with me as well post delivery, my hubby felt or sometimes still feel, i dnt give him time and attention as all my love and attention goes to the baby.
                          And men are jst overgrown children, seeking wife's attention all the time...am telling u!! Maybe that is one of the reasons he is behaving strangely.

                          Other way to handle would be, ignore him u take care of the baby, don't ask him to do anything or seek minimal help from him. When he feels ignored, he will come khudse. (works sometimes, but can backfire as well...try at own risk

                      • #14
                        Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                        Originally posted by StrangeOne View Post
                        Why is he not clearing the dishes or the bin... He sounds like a micromanager who wants to get thinks done his way and not actually do the dirty work himself. He is also belittling all the decisions just because they are not his. All that talk about you making your own decisions is BS. He's looking at you as a little girl who needs guidance and hand holding because from his perspective all of your decisions are dumb. He wants you to outgrow that silly habit and act like a mature person by agreeing to his every decision. This is classic anal behaviour pretty much in every textbook and honestly a time will come when you'll be breathing wrong. You need to find a way to say jee huzoor without actually bowing to his every whim because he's going to get critical critical and will question every single decision.

                        ps: I'm not even kidding about the textbook part. Any person who has opened a psychology book can recognise this behaviour instantly.
                        But he wasn't like this before. Its just been in the past two months that he's changed like this. We've never argued like this before, this was all out of the blue,no warning nothing. I had no idea he felt like this. I don't understand why he's changed. We've been married three years. I thought our relationship was good. I thought he understood me and we had good communication. I'm not sure where its gone wrong.

                        Comment


                        • #15
                          Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                          Originally posted by KhaZa1216 View Post
                          I told him she wasn't going and there was no need for it until she's at least three. He said the decision was made, she IS going, she's starting in September and he has an application form for a nursery near where my FIL works. He's spoken to the nursery manager and wants her doing four sessions every morning. They last five hours, from 7:30am to 12:30pm. Its like the three of them against me. He said I hadn't given a valid argument for her to NOT start nursery. And he thinks she needs it and its in toddlers best interests. And this is a decision which comes under the stress category he was talking about. He wants me toake decisions but then does it himself anyways??? And how am I supposed to drop her off at 7:30am with a newborn baby? He feeds every two hours right now, what if its time for a feed? I just leave him to get toddler ready at 6am? Then take them both to drop toddler off at nursery?
                          Look, if waking up early to take her to the nursery is the only reason you don't want her to join the nursery then it's not a good reason.
                          “I'm quite illiterate, but I read a lot. ”

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