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Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

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  • #16
    Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

    Originally posted by hareem01 View Post
    Look, if waking up early to take her to the nursery is the only reason you don't want her to join the nursery then it's not a good reason.
    I think she's too young, I always thought shed be at least three when she started nursery. I take her to playgroups so she has social interaction with kids her age. She is not isolated. I know its maybe selfish of me but she will never be this young again. I wanted to spend this time with her. After three she will be in nursery and school then university. She will be learning the rest of her life. And its not even that its the fact that he decided this without even asking me. Without discussing it at all. He discussed it with my FIL and MIL though. Are they allowed to make decisions like this now about our child?

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    • #17
      Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

      Originally posted by KhaZa1216 View Post
      But he wasn't like this before. Its just been in the past two months that he's changed like this. We've never argued like this before, this was all out of the blue,no warning nothing. I had no idea he felt like this. I don't understand why he's changed. We've been married three years. I thought our relationship was good. I thought he understood me and we had good communication. I'm not sure where its gone wrong.
      Did something big or life changing happen 2 months ago? Folks who feel like they're losing control during a big life change start controlling others around them.

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      • #18
        Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

        Originally posted by StrangeOne View Post
        Did something big or life changing happen 2 months ago? Folks who feel like they're losing control during a big life change start controlling others around them.
        The birth of our second child. This argument happened three days before baby was born. Plus he's starting a new job in September its more demanding than his old one. Is there anything I can do?

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        • #19
          Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

          Originally posted by KhaZa1216 View Post
          I think she's too young, I always thought shed be at least three when she started nursery. I take her to playgroups so she has social interaction with kids her age. She is not isolated. I know its maybe selfish of me but she will never be this young again. I wanted to spend this time with her. After three she will be in nursery and school then university. She will be learning the rest of her life. And its not even that its the fact that he decided this without even asking me. Without discussing it at all. He discussed it with my FIL and MIL though. Are they allowed to make decisions like this now about our child?
          Hmm..I understand. Personally, I'm not in favour of early start of education for kids under 3. The effects of staying away from mother for even few hours may harm such a young child....it's proven by child psychologists. Your husband needs to understand this. But obviously, he's being unreasonable. You have the most right over your kids and it should be you finalizing the decision.

          If I were you I'd do everything to let my husband and inlaws know that they can't take away my rights as a mother...
          “I'm quite illiterate, but I read a lot. ”

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          • #20
            Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

            Originally posted by KhaZa1216 View Post
            The birth of our second child. This argument happened three days before baby was born. Plus he's starting a new job in September its more demanding than his old one. Is there anything I can do?
            Maybe with time as he settled into work he may grow confident enough to let go of the need to control you but in the meanwhile you can't be completely passive. The controlling behaviour is new so it might stick if you guys fall into this new routine.

            There is a lot of online literature on how to handle controlling behaviour. It's obviously not one size fits all. I think just take your time and read things through to understand the problem completely and its solution.

            Dealing with the Control Freak in Your Life, Dr. David, Christian Marriage Help and Advice

            Controlling People and Their Hidden Side

            Micromanagement
            How to Deal with the Control Freak
            Last edited by StrangeOne; Aug 9th, 2015, 07:09 PM.

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            • #21
              Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

              Your husband needs to man up and help you - either by paying for domestic help or to stop whining about petty household chores. Shyte gets done when it gets done, no need to get all OCD about it.

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              • #22
                Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                Wish I could help. Men are idiots. Woman has a baby and it's the man getting all 'stressed'.

                What your first child needs right now is you and family. And quite honestly, the early start thing aside, I think you're right not to want to have to handle a 3 month old and taking a toddler to nursery 4 times a week. To be honest I think it may be more to do with the fact that they can see if it's difficult for you to manage both and they want a break from helping out, so have the toddler out of the house for a few hours a day.
                OMG Paki!

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                • #23
                  Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                  So you have a toddler and an infant...I may have misunderstood, but are you pregnant again with your third?!? Having kids back to back can definitely put a strain on a marriage. If his change in behavior is recent, you may just try to give him some space. Getting in his face and nagging is not going to do any good. Your husband sounds extremely passive aggressive. You are understandably tired. If the housework is getting away from you, make a proactive decision and hire a cleaning lady to come in once a week to do deep cleaning. If you're husband says anything, tell him he's the one who told you to start asserting yourself more in making decisions.

                  As far as the nursery school goes, I agree that 2 yrs is too young to begin formal schooling. I think that the first 3 years, children benefit more from being at home with their mothers. 4 is a good age to start formally going to nursery IMO. If he is insisting, tell him you will only agree to send her part time, 2-3 days a week, and not a full day schedule.


                  


                  

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                  • #24
                    Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                    Also I know lots of not-so-great husbands but even they get their kids ready and take them to school etc if the wife is dealing with a newborn on a demanding schedule. Sorry but men have no right to act like this because of the strain children put on a marriage, you both made the child so you should both be prepared to take responsibility.
                    OMG Paki!

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                    • #25
                      Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                      Originally posted by KhaZa1216 View Post
                      I hope I don't sound completely clueless but proactive how? In the ways you've suggested? Like be more organised and quicker in the things I do? Thank you for your suggestions and advice I really appreciate it. He's also ignoring me and being quite cold at the minute. Should I just focus on fixing this and just let him come around?
                      Ok, you have a newborn too? That changes a lot. Your husband seems to be the one who got the baby blues instead of you! He should be happy the kitchen gets clean at all, let alone ASAP. You should be catching up on sleep with a new baby instead of waking up at the crack of dawn to take a toddler to school.

                      By proactive, I meant try and do things the way he likes before he has a chance to say it, however, I leave that choice up to you. I would try a bit for the sake of the marriage but your husband should be more understanding.

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                      • #26
                        Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                        Are you in Pakistan?

                        He needs to grow up

                        (my opinion) I am not in favour of children being in nursery before age of 3..mine did not attend until age 5. Your child is two young, and needs her mother, not to be away from her mother.

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                        • #27
                          Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                          Edit, see post below.
                          Last edited by mzprincess88; Aug 10th, 2015, 04:21 AM.

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                          • #28
                            Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                            Originally posted by StrangeOne View Post
                            Why is he not clearing the dishes or the bin... He sounds like a micromanager who wants to get thinks done his way and not actually do the dirty work himself. He is also belittling all the decisions just because they are not his. All that talk about you making your own decisions is BS. He's looking at you as a little girl who needs guidance and hand holding because from his perspective all of your decisions are dumb. He wants you to outgrow that silly habit and act like a mature person by agreeing to his every decision. This is classic anal behaviour pretty much in every textbook and honestly a time will come when you'll be breathing wrong. You need to find a way to say jee huzoor without actually bowing to his every whim because he's going to get critical critical and will question every single decision.

                            ps: I'm not even kidding about the textbook part. Any person who has opened a psychology book can recognise this behaviour instantly.
                            THIS. I feel sorry for anyone married to this type of anal retentive person. The minute I find out a guy is super neat and detail oriented and needs things done a certain way or his mind explodes, I hightail it.

                            One of the 100 reasons why you should talk to a guy and really get to know him before marrying him.
                            I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

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                            • #29
                              Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                              Originally posted by KhaZa1216 View Post
                              Recently had an argument ....
                              Do you love him ? or Can you fall in love with him again ?
                              Fact: No matter how hard you pinch your elbows, it does not hurt!

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                              • #30
                                Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument

                                For a short period after we got married, I was not working while hubby was. Basically I took control of all household related tasks. This included cleaning, having his meals ready, making sure all the bills were paid through our joint account etc. The way I saw it at that point was that when he comes home after a long day at work, the last thing he wants to see is an untidy home or chores that need doing when I have been at home all day. And this worked like a charm. He was happy and only had to deal with his job while I took care of the home and then weekends were spent going out etc. This is how I propose you handle the house related stuff (since I presume you are not working).

                                As for the child rearing issue...this is something that needs to be discussed with your husband in length. To be honest though, when we have kids I wouldn't expect my husband to come home after a long day at work and change nappies etc (not sure if this is an issue but just noting). Like fair enough hubby needs to spend time with the kids but I wouldn't stick him with the chores. The way I see it- he does outside stuff and I handle the household things. Currently though I am working so things are different and no kids. It also seems to me that you in laws aren't really too concerned about your opinion either regarding your daughter and nursery but you need to fix the issues with your husband first and then hopefully they will understand too.

                                On a side note..I never went to nursery. I started school at age 5, and had no social issues or routine issues whatsoever. On the other hand, my husband was in boarding school from age 6 and I don't think that was too great (from what I have gathered from his conversations on the topic). Your child will be at school, university etc for many many years to come- explain to your husband that you want to enjoy having them at home while you can. Routine comes anyway when they start school.

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