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  • Giving money to relatives

    Throughout my life I've seen my mother financially help her relatives back home. Even when she was in Pakistan and worked as a teacher she would do her utmost best to help her parents. Since my father was working abroad and my mother and I lived with her parents. As there is no concept of rent while living with relatives she figured that she had to do her part in the daily household expense. Now that's fine but she went far and beyond by giving money to my uncle whom also lived with us every time he needed money. Because my mother felt "bad" for her brother she would give him money every time he asked. Every time he would need money he would pretend to be sick and fall unconscious and then my mom would give him a few extra thousand rupees to make sure he's set. When he got married my mom went all out and spent a mini fortune of her savings on his wedding just so that he'll see how much his sister loves him. Matter of fact all of the sisters pitched in, my elder Khala gifted him a house A WHOLE freakin house as a wedding present. He currently lives in it today RENT FREE.

    Move forward a couple of years and we're living abroad yet my mom would call her brother few times a week and make sure everything is ok. He later lost his job and didn't work for a solid 5 years all while trying to find a job. While he wasn't working my mom would secretly support him sending 2 to 3 thousand dollars every month as to cover for his expenses. Sometimes when she didn't have any money she would charge her credit card just so her brother would have his monthly allowance to survive. As I was becoming an adult I found this behavior very strange. I would confront my mother regarding this and she would always snap back with "You don't know anything, he's my baby brother, he has no one there, he's all alone, do you know how difficult it is to survive in Pakistan?!" And I would tell her that he's living rent free in his house, he has a car and a bike and lives off of the money you send him and she would always say "If I could, I'd give my "Kaleja" too" I don't know what is but I think it's Liver? Not sure where that phrase comes from but back to the story.

    Now the reason behind why my mother did it because she also loved her parents dearly. She helped her brother because she thought that it would ensure that her parents are taken cared for as well. But things change when my grandparents passed away. My mami my uncle's wife changed her tone completely and cut off all ties to the family. She basically went in to seclusion but my mother didn't stop calling her brother. She would still continue to send money here and there. She also loved her nieces dearly. One of whom she wanted me to marry. Now I was completely and utterly against the idea of cousin marriage. But my mother was adamant that since there was such a strong connection with her and her brother if she were to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage he would agree. I told her that my mami would never agree to this and that happened. Somehow my mami convinced my mamu to break all ties with my mother so the shaadi thing never comes up again. I was glad that this happened I got out of the cousin marriage. But my mother was devastated she couldn't believe that her brother would betray her like this. After years of helping him and never saying no to him, he didn't care one bit in saying no to her and gave her the cold shoulder as if she didn't mean anything to him. Because of this my mother went in to severe depression for 2 years.

    After some time my mamu decided to try his luck in Dubai, but he needed money and who did he turn to when his luck was down. Yes my mother of course and just like that my mother forgave everything, her depression the rishta refusal and then turned to me to help my uncle with his Visa and ticket costs. I told her there was no way I'd help him for the way he treated her. But she started crying and then the whole spiel started again "OH he has two daughters, who will support them, how will they eat? He's going to Dubai to make something of himself you should help him and Allah will give you sawab etc etc". I decided to help him only to make my other happy. But I knew this was only because he needed money and not because he actually cared for my mother as a sister or me as a nephew.

    Now my mamu and his family are extremely selfish and self centered people. I've never received a text message from my mami or my cousins on Eids or on birthdays while all my other cousins talk to me daily on Whatsapp and Facebook. My mamu being online on Facebook has never sent me a message asking me how I am or how my mother is. He has never called my mother since he went to Dubai but my mom has tried to keep in touch with him and his family...

    Last week I received a message that my uncle needs $3,000 for his "Company" in Dubai. Somehow there is some dispute with paperwork and the authorities have terminated all the licenses. He asked me to help him out and I told my mother. My mother again went on the same track of "Oh help him, he's in need bla bla" but I know he's only doing it because he needs the money and he wont pay me back even though he says he will. I would give him the money had he at least tried to keep good contact with me or my mother. His family back home ghost us completely and he only shows up when he needs the money.

    Should I just put my foot down and say no and just break all contact because I know if I do that he won't speak with my mother. And my mother will go down the dark path again and be sad and lonely because her selfish brother isn't talking to her. What should I do?

  • #2
    nope.....
    Marr te gaye aaN ........per Chassss aaa gai A

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    • #3
      Sounds like the relationship between my dad and his brother. Except that the brother is living in our home rent free (even though he has has his own home that he collects rent from) and my dad pays the bills of the house even though we live abroad. Yup. Anyway, money isn't everything. Don't do it. I used to get angry about it and confronted my dad a few times but then I realized that is the only brother left and if it makes my him happy so be it.
      Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

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      • #4
        Put your foot down and cut him off, don't let him continue mooching off of you. Your grownass uncle has an entitlement issue, he's lazy and incosiderate, I think your mom should shame him into not asking for anymore handouts. If he has any self-respect then he might take this as a wake up call, you aren't helping him or his family by letting them take advantage of you.

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        • #5
          ..
          Last edited by Obama; 2 days ago.
          We don't see things as they are; we see things as we are!

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          • #6
            Have you told your mom about the FB message? I hope you haven't. It's better to avoid telling her about these messages.

            Do not give your uncle a piece of your mind...as much as he deserves it. Don't break all contact either. Plus, islamically it's not allowed and there is even a hadith which states that maintaining good ties with relatives is a means of Allah increasing our rizq.

            When declining someone (especially a relative)....if you do it sweetly, they're going to be less offended. So in the sweetest way possible, come with an air-tight excuse for why you cannot send him money. As tempting as it is don't bring up his mistakes because he may get offended and then take that out on your mom and end up upsetting her.

            Whenever you feel that you can genuinely help your uncle out....then do so. It does not have to be every month; it can be a sporadic thing. But if you absolutely do not want to help him out, you have that right to decide that as well. In this case, if you give excuse after excuse after excuse, he'll eventually (fingers crossed) see you as undependable and leave you alone.
            Last edited by redvelvet; 2 weeks ago.

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            • #7
              This is the story of almost every home, we have terms like leeches, moochers, free loaders and sponges here for people like that, he is emotionally manipulating your mother and she is in turn doing that to you. I helped my wife's family and she thought they would be so grateful and I just laughed as I know people and that sister, BIL and nieces after getting established here tried to destroy our lives. Cousin marriage is incest and may lead to retarded kids, I have seem way too many times so thank god for their refusal.

              I blame the mothers laad, and favoritism for raising men like your mamoo, a couple of my assistants were mammas boys good for nothing, no motivation, drive etc as they were so used to being spoilt by their mothers.

              Even parents here dont help kids out financially and they learn to be independent so don't be enabler.

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              • #8


                It will be better if you give but reduced the amount into half citing random living expenditure of yours and not give in one go or divide the amount and give sparingly


                Your mum might deteriorate if completely stop giving or ignored

                Try not to have a grudge against your mum for prioritising his brother and not herself/family as she will be really hurt anyway in the future as he won't have the ehsaas to be there when she need him the most
                Last edited by batameez; 1 week ago.

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                • #9
                  If I was in ur position I would use the money to catch a flight to Dubai beat the chit out of him and then come back.

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                  • #10
                    I have never said No to my mom, regarding money. Even when I felt the person didn?t deserve it, but, I wouldn?t blame you for saying no. If I am asked directly I will say No.
                    Grizzly bear

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