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  • Married and confused

    Dear Members Hope you are all doing well.

    So I am just writing this to get some insights into what I am going through and this is something that I might not be able to discuss with family or friends but I feel this could be something that other married couples go through as well and maybe you guys could share some of your experiences. By the way, this is coming from a guy.

    So I got married this year in February, it was a totally arranged marriage through the rishta aunty and prior to that we were engaged for almost 11 months and I took this time to know her and we met a no of times at her home and out and in short these 11 months went great and I was ( and am ) very happy with my decision. Now here is the issue that I am confused about.

    Within the first month of the marriage, we had a pretty crazy fight I don't remember what it was about but it got to the point that she wanted to pack her bag and go to her mother but I calmed her down and everything was back to normal. Now over the course of 8 months, we had had a no of similar fights and the problem is these fights occur for the silliest, vague and completely unimportant reasons ( atleast to me ) and everytime she gets hyper, she shouts and threatens to leave and I just don't understand what the H do I do to be a participant of the arguments and fights. An example of such fights be like, I was at home a friend called me out, I went out and took him to a hotel for chai and got back in like 25 minutes and the wife was furious about why I left without informing her or texting her and so furious that she almost had a stress attack. Example 2: I woke up and told her I would have eggs, I went out of the room and my mother had already made a paratha for me so I ate that instead of the eggs and all hell broke loose ( She never argues or fights in front of the family everything is behind closed doors).

    Now I love my wife, I am happy with her and the purpose of writing this is to understand what she thinks and how she thinks or interprets these small issues which make her stressed and lead to fights. Other than these fights she is a perfect wife and DIL and takes care of me and the family wholeheartedly so I am just trying to find a way to reduce these fights and arguments as much possible. I think hearing the feedback from other married people especially females would shed some light on this.

    Thank you

  • #2
    Basically OP, you need to learn how to see things from her pov. Would you still consider it no big deal if she picked up a call from a friend and then just left without giving you any context? Would you not worry where she went or why did she leave all of a sudden? Or you prepare breakfast for her like she told you but then she just eats something else? A little bit of consideration goes a long way. All you had to do for the scenarios you mentioned was to inform her beforehand, which would have taken all of 5 seconds.
    Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

    Comment


    • Abbasilk
      Abbasilk commented
      Editing a comment
      Thanks for your feedback.
      Now for the breakfast part, I would understand if she had made the breakfast for me and I had eaten something else which wasn't the case. She was still inside the room preparing to come out and make the breakfast and my mother saw me out and offered a paratha which I ate. For going out without informing her, I feel like this is something that is pretty apparent. I am a grown man and on a daily basis interact with many people at home, office for work and personal reason and could sometimes go out of the house if needed. I understand informing her would have been the right thing but just in case if I forgot or missed it somehow is it a justifiable reason to be angry and fight about?

    • redvelvet
      redvelvet commented
      Editing a comment
      Nope, she's not justified in exploding at you simply because your mother prepared your breakfast before she did and you ate that instead. She could have also felt relieved that she doesn't have make breakfast for you now and that she has one less chore to worry about.

      There have been times where my mother has cooked a meal (maybe even something fancy) and I decide to eat something else. It's never been a cause for conflict. I'll either eat it later....or someone else can eat it. Not a big deal.

      In my family, we do inform where we are going before heading out. Sometimes I am guilty of not informing of any detour that I take along the way. But I can understand why that would be necessary. Should something happen, or some emergency take place....or even if some other person was to ask your wife about your whereabouts...it's good to know where you are. It's also possible that she might need you for something, etc etc. But again, in my opinion, this is also not something that should warrant a shouting match.

      Now if you are in the habit of not attending phone calls or responding to her texts when you are away from home, then that would be a justified vexation.

    • Bobby1
      Bobby1 commented
      Editing a comment
      You have a lot to learn about women, maybe she was looking forward to making the eggs for you and doing something for her husband, maybe she wanted to have breakfast with you, maybe she would appreciate eating with you without having to compete for your attention with your mother. If you have not provided her a home of her own then her life is deficient and you should be super nice to her for accepting that.

  • #3

    Have a calm discussion with her. And tell her that you understand that your mistakes have annoyed her. BUT ALSO explain to her how it makes you feel when she shouts at you, when she threatens to leave. Tell her that such threats are not healthy for a relationship and that the solution to everything is not to pack up your bags and leave. If you have never made such threats to her, then kindly remind her of this. She needs to understand that if someone screams at us often enough, it erodes their image in our eyes.

    A little consideration does go a long way, but based on your post your wife has issues with anger/maturity. In the grand scheme of things the mistakes that you have made are pretty minor. Rather than wait for you to return home so she can scream at you, she could have simply sent you a text message to ask where you were. Now if you did not respond to her text message.....then yes...that would be annoying.

    You wife has to understand that there are other options to resolving an issue. For example, you could have eaten the paratha with the eggs. But sometimes we change our minds about what we want to eat and that's okay. It's a small nuisance and nothing that warrants a screaming match. She could have saved the eggs for later. If they were hard-boiled eggs, they could have been added to a saalan as a side. She could have made a sandwich out of them to eat at a later point. Or some other member of the home (maybe even a maid) could have eaten the eggs. It's not the end of the world. There are different ways to solve a problem and you can address this point with her.


    I don't even think the real issue is the eggs or forgetting to inform her where you're going. Some people have a desire to feel in control or in charge of every situation. And when anything gets in the way of that, they get upset. Making threats is a form of manipulation/control and she has to understand that there other ways to bring about changes in your relationship.


    Lastly, I would tell her...."The fact that you only shout at me behind closed doors and not in front of everyone is proof that deep down you know that such angry outbursts are not right, not healthy, not dignified for either you or myself. So, it's better for both of us to practice sabar and resolve our matters in a more respectful way." She shouldn't only be afraid of how her angry outbursts will be perceived by your parents. She also needs to be mindful of how they will affect you and the marriage over time.

    It's a two-way street.
    Last edited by redvelvet; 1 week ago.

    Comment


    • Abbasilk
      Abbasilk commented
      Editing a comment
      You have made some good points and I understand I need to inform my family and especially my wife about my whereabouts going out and I usually do that if I am leaving for something that would take me couple of hours or more but in case I am just taking a stroll out around the place this sort of things doesn't really need to be informed every now and then. As a matter of fact, I actually like that my wife worries about me and likes to keep in touch and I am happy to inform her about my absence but in case if I forget the stress she takes upon herself is something that I am worried about.

  • #4
    She's either on the spectrum (look up ASD) or has some psychological issues that give her a short temper, people brush these off as personality flaws but it's something deeper. You gotta find a way to work it out and if she accepts she has a problem then that would really help.

    Comment


    • Abbasilk
      Abbasilk commented
      Editing a comment
      I don't think she has any psychological issues she is a smart and intellectual person and the fact that after all these fights when she calms down usually the next day she does acknowledge that she had overreacted and apologizes for her behavior tells me she understands the situation and the impact these things have on our marriage.

  • #5
    I think there is something else bothering her and there is mistrust, feeling unloved and unappreciated. What do you do to gain her love and respect and show her that she is deeply loved. A woman needs display of love and appreciation several times a day. It is also a woman's prerogative to lose it on her husband or lover and it takes two to tango, if you dont respond to her anger and just say baby I am sorry, I didn't realize this would bother you and next time I will ask you before I go out. Also after asking your wife to make eggs for you and then eating mothers parathas is not cool, mothers like to show their power over the son by doing this kind of stuff, no woman respects mamma's boy.

    Again you seem selfish as you are mainly concerned about hey things are okay for you. Did you ask her if things are okay for her?

    Comment


    • Cashmere
      Cashmere commented
      Editing a comment
      ^ This....

    • Abbasilk
      Abbasilk commented
      Editing a comment
      Okay, so your previous comment above was interesting and enlightening. I never saw it this way that maybe she was upset because she wanted to make the breakfast for me herself so we could sit together and chat and she was seeking my attention and didn't like that my mother was taking care of me like she used to before marriage. This point makes sense but still, she has been making breakfast for me daily for 8 months now and living in a joint family if my mother out of love rarely would like me to eat something from her hands this is not something I feel should affect our relationship. That's my opinion.

      And if I were selfish enough to believe that what I did was right and nothing else matters I would not have bothered to make any effort to learn about what is causing such issues and what could I do to minimize them.

    • messedup
      messedup commented
      Editing a comment
      +1
      I totally agree.

  • #6

    so, in short.........do inform her before doing anything (i know it sounds like you forced to act like a child - but you gotta try to do that if you don't want these fights).........

    women are women.......if you expect rational response from a wife......you are viewing this whole situation incorrectly....
    its a common wife behaviour that they will make a fuss out of anything and want to be important........and expect you to show importance to them...threatening to pack the bags and go home is also a part of that......they want you to ask them to stop....which satisfies this urge of having power/control over you......

    Marr te gaye aaN ........per Chassss aaa gai A

    Comment


    • Abbasilk
      Abbasilk commented
      Editing a comment
      Sir, Truer words were never spoken

  • #7
    Some crazy fights are normal in the first one or two years of marriage so much so that the end seems certain, yet things calm down soon after. You are lucky to have both of your families around to calm things down. Usually families have some wise goodhearted people who understand this and won`t exploit the situation. Consider involving them if things start slipping out of hand.

    I hope it is just part of normal adjustment process and will subside soon and you will be able to find peace of mind. Unfortunately though that is not always the case. In my case, the first year of marriage was smooth sailing but after first child, it seemed my wife had undergone lobotomy. I had zero gray hair until that time but within months I had plenty. Fights would be over the most stupidest things at first but slowly a strategy emerged. There was a method to the madness. Sometimes there were no straight 24 hrs without a fight. I have posted a few times about them here. But again, hope your case is not that bad. One thing I learned though is that as a man you will get little support, people will mock you and marriage counselors are too hesitant to criticize women. All in all, marriage starts to look like prohibitively expensive endeavor.

    Comment


    • #8
      Originally posted by NomiCA View Post
      so, in short.........do inform her before doing anything (i know it sounds like you forced to act like a child - but you gotta try to do that if you don't want these fights).........

      women are women.......if you expect rational response from a wife......you are viewing this whole situation incorrectly....
      its a common wife behaviour that they will make a fuss out of anything and want to be important........and expect you to show importance to them...threatening to pack the bags and go home is also a part of that......they want you to ask them to stop....which satisfies this urge of having power/control over you......
      NomiCA my immediate boss is a female, my VP is a female also and I feel they are more rational than most of the male bosses I had before, with male bosses it was mostly about their shallow egos, It also seems that single females are more mature and financially responsible. I think some cultures oppressed and sheltered women and did not let them develop to their full potential.

      Comment


      • NomiCA
        NomiCA commented
        Editing a comment
        Dude i said wife...... a perfectly rational, sane and normal woman would do extremely weird stuff when she wears the wife hat.......... you can disagree...thats fine...

    • #9
      A relationship is like a bank account, when you do something nice it is a positive deposit, when you do sth bad it takes away 10 positive deposits. It seems your relationship account is running in negative. Do you ask her about her needs? Do you ask her what makes her happy. You mention one fight but dont show appreciation for anda paratha thoonsing for 8 months. She left everything she loved for you and is now questioning if you were worth it. Show her that you were worth it. My woman has not left this house for a single day and says if she dies her ghost will come to live with me. I make deposits in my relationship account every day.

      Women are also territorial and now it seems that breakfast is her territory and she does not want encroachment there.

      Comment


      • #10
        My woman has not left this house for a single day ...
        Taubah





        On the topic


        Maybe having difficult time in adapting to a joint family

        Maybe she wants your attention

        Maybe she not used to having things not done her way

        Maybe homesick if moved to another place


        There can be many reasons

        Comment


        • #11
          No, her reactions are not normal. They are extreme and that too over minor things. If she were to forget something, would you go off on her and make threats about leaving her? No. Behaviors have a psychological root to them. If you think it's something that you are failing to do on your end, then make the necessary changes. But we clap with two hands. With that said, I still believe you need to talk to her about her reactions because to make a habit out of exploding and saying sorry each time puts a strain on a relationship.

          Comment


          • #12
            Originally posted by redvelvet View Post
            No, her reactions are not normal. They are extreme and that too over minor things. If she were to forget something, would you go off on her and make threats about leaving her? No. Behaviors have a psychological root to them. If you think it's something that you are failing to do on your end, then make the necessary changes. But we clap with two hands. With that said, I still believe you need to talk to her about her reactions because to make a habit out of exploding and saying sorry each time puts a strain on a relationship.

            No man...don't talk to her.......that will result in THE craziest fight.............. she will be like......you think i am crazy? i do this this this this for your, and here you are calling me crazy........ and then you will have nowhere to turn........best is to avoid the fight
            Marr te gaye aaN ........per Chassss aaa gai A

            Comment


            • #13
              Originally posted by Bobby1 View Post
              I think there is something else bothering her and there is , feeling unloved and unappreciated. What do you do to gain her love and respect and show her that she is deeply loved. A woman needs display of love and appreciation several times a day. It takes two to tango, if you dont respond to her anger and just say baby I am sorry, I didn't realize this would bother you and next time I will inform you before I go out.
              Did you ask her if things are okay for her?
              ^ This
              Life Is Too Short To Wake Up With Regrets.Love the people who treat you right & have compassion for the ones who don't.
              Half of a person's beauty comes from the tongue

              Comment


              • #14
                Aint married and confused synonymous?
                My degree of sarcasm is directly related with your level of stupidity.
                "Hamari Koi aur branch nahi hai"

                Comment


                • #15
                  Originally posted by NomiCA View Post


                  No man...don't talk to her.......that will result in THE craziest fight.............. she will be like......you think i am crazy? i do this this this this for your, and here you are calling me crazy........ and then you will have nowhere to turn........best is to avoid the fight
                  I couldn't do it, Nomi. I am not married, but I have seen enough times that disrespect doesn't cease if you leave it unaddressed.


                  Abbasilk

                  On one hand you say that you find her reactions to be strange (not normal) and then when someone suggests that you try to find out the psychological/emotional reasons behind her outbursts.....then you get a bit defensive and praise her for being a very smart and good wife, and that everything is normal with her. A person can be an intellectual and still have an inner emotional/psychological conflict. I doubt that her outbursts are truly due to eggs.


                  In order for you to understand her, you'll have to be open to considering her reasons and also be willing to make compromises where you can from your end. FI you dismiss every single issue she has, then you're not going to get anywhere. For example, if she has never prevented you from hanging out with your friends or going out....then surely you can inform her before leaving the home....(even for a stroll in the area). That would be a win-win situation for the both of you. The egg-scenario, on the other hand, is over-the-top. I dunno....do you feel that she's very attached/possessive of you? If so, maybe she needs to reassurance from you. But to be fair, she needs to check her temper cuz breakfast is a minor thing. She could still have chatted with you and enjoyed your company while you ate mom's paratha. =/
                  Last edited by redvelvet; 1 week ago.

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