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  • #31
    Wouldn't you be the catch of the century?

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    • #32
      She left her career willingly...should've said no while marrying if that is what is driving her mad...its arranged marriage after all..
      Marr te gaye aaN ........per Chassss aaa gai A

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      • #33
        Abbasilk

        Let's say that your wife's frustration is due to staying home all day. You will only find that out if you talk to her about it as opposed to making guesses. But if this really is the reason then.....

        1) Will you be open to her working? Maybe even a part-time job? Right now you both don't have any children, so there are not additional responsibilities. If you're worried about chores such as cooking and cleaning, then that can always be worked around. Before answering this question, I want you to examine your reasons for why you do not want your wife to work. Consider this question from multiple angles and see if you can be flexible with this.


        2) If she really does miss working, maybe she can look into options where she can work from home (if she's up for that..).


        3) If she truly does not want to work but she misses her former life which was more stimulating and more independent....then how about taking a course or a class of something that interests her? Or going to the gym , etc etc. Getting out of the home for a while a few times a week.


        4) Has she been to visit her parents in the past 8 months? Maybe she needs a mini staycation with them? Or maybe you both can go out more often..(travel, etc etc)...? ***But traveling is not going to compensate for any ambitiousness that she had to give up. Just keep that in mind.


        The vibe that I get from your story is that your wife's whole duniya is revolving around you. And while that may seem flattering to an extent, it can even become annoying if she's gonna take out her frustration over lame stuff like a plate of biryani. That's not cute.

        Now either she is acting out because she feels unfilled in some way .......either because she is not working.....or because you are maybe you're doing something that is making her feel this way.......................or...............her personality could simply be one of micromanaging. Yes, there are people like that who need to be in control; they like being in charge. She used to be in a managerial position. It takes a certain type of personality to be a manager. It requires leader traits. And maybe those traits are seeping into the marriage. Ya phir there is some other insecurity with her.

        So you gotta talk to her and figure out what kind of outlet or support she requires from you.....so that she can stop taking out her frustration over little things.

        Comment


        • Abbasilk
          Abbasilk commented
          Editing a comment
          Let me answer some of the points you have made

          1) Before marriage, she asked me if I wanted her to keep working and to help support with the finances and I informed her I would be happy if she looked after me and the parents as I am capable to look after us both and she was happy to do that. So to answer your question I have no objection if she decides to do a part-time job and I never forced her to leave her job that was her decision.

          2) As a matter of fact, I have arranged a part-time work for her that she is doing from home and earning a small salary for herself and mainly she uses this salary to buy goods and stuff for her family when visiting home.

          3) I have had a discussion about this if she misses the hustle and bustle of the corporate working environment now staying full time at home but she has always told me she's happy here and one of the main reason she doesn't want to join any full-time job at the moment is because we are TTC.

          4) I take her to visit her parents every other Sunday there has been no missing on that for the last 8 months.

          Maybe your right about the part of her being a little bit possessive and that's not a bad thing but the sudden anger outbursts on small issues and she threatening to leave every time is a thing of concern to me and that is why I decided to share my experience with the members here to listen and learn about how others dealt with such issues if they ever faced some.

      • #34
        Calm down ladies, sorry if I missed any of your questions. I tried to answer the repetitive points in my last response so let's answer the ones I forgot.

        1) Firstly, the biryani, I thought this was pretty apparent whenever a dish is sent to someone it means it is for the entire family, not just one single person. So I didn't feast like a madman on the biryani I just ate a little and then left the plate for the wife and I thought this would be obvious.

        2) Since I am the one communicating in this thread and not the wife so obviously you would hear things that I did and my side of the story ( ate eggs, went for chai, ate biryani etc ) and you would have to take my work on this and the result of which were fights not sure if there is something additional I should mention to better elaborate the scenarios.

        3) About the appreciation part which many have inquired about yes she left her parents, her work, her independence for this marriage and to be honest this is not something that she did as a favor to me or under some sort of pressure that I should be grateful or indebted to my entire life this is the sort of sacrifice and commitment every couple makes when they enter into the marriage circle. If a woman makes these sacrifices than a man also takes the financial, mental, physical and emotional wellbeing of the wife, and his family for the entirety of his life and never expects others to appreciate him, show pity or pat his back for fulfilling his responsibilities or calling these his sacrifices. So when there are such arguments I have talked to her about it and tried best to put her mind at ease and many times have accepted her reasoning and justifications to the fights just to make her happy and put this behind us. But I don't think there is a need for me to appreciate her leaving her job, family and marrying me.

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        • redvelvet
          redvelvet commented
          Editing a comment
          Wrong.

          There actually is a need to appreciate and have empathy.

          A person is always more comfortable on their own turf and in their own surroundings their own home.

          I am not denying that men don't have to make any sacrifices abd adjustments......they sure do!

          But there are greater adjustments for the one who is entering a new environment. And I feel that this is realization is plain common sense.

          Your wife left behind her home and family. Did u leave behind your parents? No!

          Every home/family has its own way/system of doing things. Your wife left behind the ways of her own home to adjust to your family's way. Did u have to do that? Not really.



          Your wife left behind a job she was happy in, that made her feel fulfilled and accomplished, and from which she earned her own money that she spebt however she pleased. That's a huge thing to leave behind.


          So yes, you should have emapthy and appreciation. One day you might habe your OWN daughter who will also leave behind her home and adjust to a totally new way of living. So please don't saythat there is "no need" for any ehsaas or empathy on your part.


          But anyhow your wife has been married to u for almost a year so by now she must have adjusted to your home and way of life.


          Rather than simply expect your wife to "get over her moods" why don't u ask her if leaving her job is the reason for why she is acting out? Don't just guess. Talk to her. And then work with her to find out options to help her. If u can't/won't do that.....then there's no purpose for this thread.

        • Bobby1
          Bobby1 commented
          Editing a comment
          So you ate the biryanni and left the leftover for her and that makes you the dream guy, I eat and leave leftover for my dog. A gentleman eats with his wife,
          I am afraid that marrying a man with your mentality is going to be her biggest mistake, marrying you has downgraded her life, they take jahaiz from women, she cooks and cleans, provides gratification at night and is required to be grateful and keep her mouth shut and not voice her frustrations?
          She was making her own money and didn't need yours, you cant even provide her, her own house, she is an unpaid unappreciated maid in your house who you get to physically enjoy also.
          No answer yet as to how you show appreciation for her and what you do for her?

      • #35
        Originally posted by NomiCA View Post
        She left her career willingly...should've said no while marrying if that is what is driving her mad...its arranged marriage after all..
        Women there dont do things willingly, he asked her to be an unpaid and unappreciated maid for him and his parents and she willingly agreed..lol. If he is such a financial hotshot why cant he hire a maid or he does not seem disabled so why can't he look after his parents himself?

        Again with the I WOULD PREFER!!!! and not just ask baby, its your life so if making you work feels happier than work. Do you think she did all this schooling to be an unpaid toy and maid for an unappreciative man. Do you guys not have the concept of showing appreciation.

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        • #36
          Cut your losses and run away man.

          It?s not what bothers her and why!

          Its all about how one reacts. If she is fighting ugly and packing her bags, every month, she not the the one worth living with.

          It doesn?t matter how much you understand her, their will be disagreements, through life. A person who cannot get his/her point across like a human being is just going to give you ulcers.

          Grizzly bear

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          • #37
            LOL. Bob is still stuck on why OP didn't eat the biryani saath-saath with his wife as if that's the most integral detail in this puzzle.

            Bobby Ji...k posts ki kuch chand logon ne thori bahut tareef kya kardi.....ab to Bobby has received even more encouragement to go around making posts about lovey-dovey actions and throwing around examples of how he is a better and more loving husband than everyone else......ad nauseum.


            Looking after the home and doing the chores does not make someone a "maid." What an over-simplified interpretation of a marriage. And if we go by this mentality, then I suppose Bob is the "maid" or "butler" of his wife and children since he's the one always doing the cooking and the cleaning.

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            • #38
              Originally posted by redvelvet View Post
              LOL. Bob is still stuck on why OP didn't eat the biryani saath-saath with his wife as if that's the most integral detail in this puzzle.

              Bobby Ji...k posts ki kuch chand logon ne thori bahut tareef kya kardi.....ab to Bobby has received even more encouragement to go around making posts about lovey-dovey actions and throwing around examples of how he is a better and more loving husband than everyone else......ad nauseum.


              Looking after the home and doing the chores does not make someone a "maid." What an over-simplified interpretation of a marriage. And if we go by this mentality, then I suppose Bob is the "maid" or "butler" of his wife and children since he's the one always doing the cooking and the cleaning.
              Marriage is a give and take relationship built on love, trust and mutual respect. In this case she is the one who is making all the sacrifices and doing everything and he has done nothing to reciprocate. If you are doing housework without being loved or appreciated than you are nothing but a maid.

              Pls dont compare Man Child to real men. Real men treat their women with respect.

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              • #39
                Bobby1
                Your funny, and sound more agitated than my wife usually is. I think your definition of a real man is the one they usually show in Indian soaps always crying and apologizing to the wife. Too much TV and fairytales does that sometimes.

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                • #40
                  Originally posted by Abbasilk View Post
                  Bobby1
                  Your funny, and sound more agitated than my wife usually is. I think your definition of a real man is the one they usually show in Indian soaps always crying and apologizing to the wife. Too much TV and fairytales does that sometimes.

                  Not proud of my past where I cracked skulls and broke ribs, was in the UNI weight lifting team also. Where I come from real men are gentle, caring, loving and considerate towards their wives. I know in certain parts of the world tiny lil man childs think that oppressing and abusing wife is real manliness.

                  Mostly we interact with athletes and their families and most dads are athletes also built like tanks and these big men are also bending over backwards for their petite wives. At Jeremies party, he is 6-2' gold Medalist, his dad also a towering brute and both son and father did all the cooking, cleaning and dishes and would only address petite wife as honey, darling, sweetheart etc. Big men are loving towards their wives, lil inscure men are jerks towards them.

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                  • #41
                    Originally posted by Bobby1 View Post


                    Not proud of my past where I cracked skulls and broke ribs, was in the UNI weight lifting team also. Where I come from real men are gentle, caring, loving and considerate towards their wives. I know in certain parts of the world tiny lil man childs think that oppressing and abusing wife is real manliness.

                    Mostly we interact with athletes and their families and most dads are athletes also built like tanks and these big men are also bending over backwards for their petite wives. At Jeremies party, he is 6-2' gold Medalist, his dad also a towering brute and both son and father did all the cooking, cleaning and dishes and would only address petite wife as honey, darling, sweetheart etc. Big men are loving towards their wives, lil inscure men are jerks towards them.
                    Real man?

                    Not proud of your bad-boy past....but YET...you're still gonna use that past to prove how masculine you are. Uhm okay.


                    There is not sufficient evidence in his posts to arrive at the conclusion that he abuses and oppresses his wife. Stop acting like the Peeping Tom of every Desi household who knows what happens in every marriage 24/7.

                    Nobody needs to provide you an inventory of the hugs and kisses and favors bestowed on their spouse for your to then take those figures and compare them to your own marriage ...before giving your stamp of approval as to whether they are are a loving enough spouse or otherwise.

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                    • #42
                      Originally posted by redvelvet View Post

                      Real man?

                      Not proud of your bad-boy past....but YET...you're still gonna use that past to prove how masculine you are. Uhm okay.


                      There is not sufficient evidence in his posts to arrive at the conclusion that he abuses and oppresses his wife. Stop acting like the Peeping Tom of every Desi household who knows what happens in every marriage 24/7.

                      Nobody needs to provide you an inventory of the hugs and kisses and favors bestowed on their spouse for your to then take those figures and compare them to your own marriage ...before giving your stamp of approval as to whether they are are a loving enough spouse or otherwise.
                      Subhan Allah!! on you defnding him so passionately...lol. A woman confined in the house cooking and cleaning for him and parents, compelled to quit her work without a scintilla of appreciation in my society is classified as abuse.

                      Maybe one day when your chillas suuceed you can happily pick up after a man child and his entire family while he goes for romantic walks with his yaars with pinkies locked..lol

                      Yes I am proud of my physical and emotional strength, didnt go the gym for decades because I wanted to be weak.

                      Real men don't need their mommys to find them wives, women come chasing after them.

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                      • redvelvet
                        redvelvet commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Learn to read, dumb-dumb.

                        She's not chained to the house. She visits her own parents on a weekly basis. She wasn't forced to quit her job. She chose to leave her job. And she is currently working part time. She herself said that she doesn't want to return to the corporate world because she wants to start a family.

                        I am not defending him. I am merely appalled at your lack of comprehension.

                        And give the chillas and jadoo tona a rest. The biggest irony on this forum is that you are the ONLY one who has to bring up chillas and jadoo in every single thread. You're quite literally obsessed with it the subject.

                        Yes, yes....you are the only REAL man on this forum and trying every so hard (as usual) to prove that.

                      • Bobby1
                        Bobby1 commented
                        Editing a comment
                        So a newly married man cannot come up with a single nice thing he has done for his beautiful educated wife and you have this great need to normalise that behavior, do you defend this behavior as this maybe your comfort zone.

                        If that is what she had wanted then she wouldn't be in that rage like a caged animal regretting her mistake. It is only 8 months and the love is turning into hate, what will happen in a few years. He continues with his non appreciative ways and she will detest him with every fibre in her body.

                        A relationship is built on a cumulative actions where one negative action destroys 10. I dont see too many positive actions from him

                    • #43
                      Originally posted by Bobby1 View Post
                      Wouldn't you be the catch of the century?
                      When you attack people personally, it helps no one. The quality of discussion only goes down after that.

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                      • #44
                        Originally posted by decentGuy View Post

                        When you attack people personally, it helps no one. The quality of discussion only goes down after that.
                        You know when people neglect their children and opress their wives and try to impose the savage ideologies on them, calling them out would be a benefit to the society.

                        So how are your children, funny you never discuss fatherhood?

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                        • redvelvet
                          redvelvet commented
                          Editing a comment
                          His children and his parenting skills are none of your business. He doesn't need to discuss his fatherhood to validate his parenting skills to a bunch of anonymous online strangers. People who are secure within themselves don't feel the incessant need to brag. Only you do that.

                        • Bobby1
                          Bobby1 commented
                          Editing a comment
                          He did discuss his wife in a very negative light on the public forum and I feel that no decent human would do that to the mother of his children. People discuss things that are important to them so all these rishta hunt stories under the guise of looking for a friend and never a beep about raising children is a bit strange. Every father/mother I know discuss ther children unless they are abandoned.

                          Maybe you will land a champ too who will find time to write garbage on the forum about his wife but not time to help her clean a dirty apartment. It is an apartment not a mansion just takes 15 mins to clean, dont whine, if she cant clean then clean it your self lazy entitled man.

                      • #45
                        Originally posted by redvelvet View Post

                        Real man?

                        Not proud of your bad-boy past....but YET...you're still gonna use that past to prove how masculine you are. Uhm okay.


                        There is not sufficient evidence in his posts to arrive at the conclusion that he abuses and oppresses his wife. Stop acting like the Peeping Tom of every Desi household who knows what happens in every marriage 24/7.

                        Nobody needs to provide you an inventory of the hugs and kisses and favors bestowed on their spouse for your to then take those figures and compare them to your own marriage ...before giving your stamp of approval as to whether they are are a loving enough spouse or otherwise.
                        Just because a man chooses to live in peace does not mean that he cant turn into an animal to protect his loved ones, there has been some fairly dangerous situations that have occured recently and thankfully people were smart enough to stand down. There is no shame in masculinity as long as it is to help, serve and protect.

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