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  • #16
    Abbasilk A LOT of "smart and intellectual people can have psychological problems or autism, she has issues cause have an explosive temper isn't normal. You need to educate yourself on psychological issues cause you can be educated and appear normal yet still have something.

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    • #17
      I could not agree more with what Bobby1 said above. Instead of confronting her about her episodes of "fight", ask her, talk to her, what is bothering her and try to fix that.


      “Every son of Adam sins, and the best of those who sin are those who repent.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2499; classed as hasan by al-Albaani.

      Comment


      • Cashmere
        Cashmere commented
        Editing a comment
        Where can women find husbands like you?

      • Bobby1
        Bobby1 commented
        Editing a comment
        Isn't he the coolest cat on the forum, I could befriend religious people like him . any day.

      • Sheeda Pistol
        Sheeda Pistol commented
        Editing a comment
        Cashmere of course no where else than good ol gupshup

        Bobby1 i am touched bro!

    • #18
      Originally posted by Sheeda Pistol View Post
      I could not agree more with what Bobby1 said above. Instead of confronting her about her episodes of "fight", ask her, talk to her, what is bothering her and try to fix that.

      Thank you brother Sheeda Pistol in quest to better myself I observed the white good family men and it seems that when females get angry or upset they dont raise their voice or fight back. At one of the competitions the female athletes dad Graham left with me for coffee, when we returned the daughter Stephanie started yelling at him as she needed something from the car and dad cool as ice just looked at her and smiled and didn't say a word. If one person is panicking or upset does not mean the other should also. Second Occasion John pushed his girls to run 10 K race in a blizzard and the two girls started yapping at him and he smiled and walked away and said that when they get like this I just walk away. If there is no push back there is no escalation.

      Comment


      • #19
        Abbasilk ["I am just trying to find a way to reduce these fights and arguments as much possible. I think hearing the feedback from other married people especially females would shed some light on this.

        Thank you"]

        Bhai Sahib most people are very sensitive early in the morning when our Blood Sugar is low! and usually that explains the Nit Picking and cranky behaviour!

        You will learn that with time when to stay away from an argument!


        Like The Poet Mir said:


        Ibtedaae ishq hai rota hai kya
        Aage Aage dekhiye hota hai kya



        and from what I read here you are doing just fine!
        Balaghal-ula bi-kamaalihi / Kashafad-duja bi-jamaalihi / Hasunat jameeu khisaalihi / Sallu alaihi wa aalihi

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        • #20
          Next time she packs up her bags let her walk... at least you'll have peace and quiet.
          omae wa mou shindeiru

          Comment


          • #21
            Ignore all fitnah provoking comments, and listen to what Bobby1, Sheeda, and SindSagar have to say on this.
            They know what they're saying.

            Marriages are not simple or logical at times. Initial years of marriage require tons of selfless efforts in bonding and building a stable relationship as we adapt into the new role of a spouse. I have witnessed multiple scenarios where women throw fits like the one you listed. I'd be lying if I said I was not one of these women myself. It is extremely normal for women to have a fairy tale approach to marriage and the frustration/anger comes when reality clashes against or fails to align with our preconceptions. So just be easy on her, let her know your whereabouts, plans and be a friend instead of ridiculing her reactions.

            I don't see why you're surprised of her breakfast reaction. She simply wanted to make your breakfast and start her day off with you. You carelessly had breakfast with your mom which sent the following messages: 1. You're not as important as my mommy 2. I still prefer my mommy's cooking over yours anyday 3. I prefer having breakfast WITHOUT you.

            From now onward, I suggest that you diplomatically tell your mom to rest a bit and let your wife do the cooking.
            You should know you're doing something wrong when she has to resort to "I'm leaving you" threats just to get a little bit of your attention.

            "Brevity is the soul of wit." Hamlet, William Shakespeare.

            Comment


            • redvelvet
              redvelvet commented
              Editing a comment
              He stated that wife had been mostly making the breakfast for him for the past 8 months. Mom approached him with a paratha and he ate it as wife had not even begun to make the breakfast.

              If it were the case that he **often** refused wife's breakfast.....or if he often prevented wife from making him breakfast......then she would be more justified in thinking that he prefers his mom's cooking to hers.

              Someone who has made breakfast for you for 8 months (more than half a year) should not so easily assume ......or should not be so sensitive enough to assume the worst about her husband .....that he prefers mom's cooking to hers....and prefers to have breakfast without her, etc etc. And if they are going to easily assume that .....then it needs to be examined why such an insecure feeling is taking place.

              A guy who has eaten his wife's pakaaya hua breakfast for 8 months.....and may very well have eaten her pakaaya hua lunch and dinner as well......is not someone who hates his wife's cooking or finds it intolerable. Now if OP has never complimented the wife's cooking or her efforts....or if he has compared it unfavorably to his mom's...then maybe that could be a reason behind her outburst. It's possible that maybe she feels that there is a general lack of approval/encouragement from him.


              I am not gonna disagree with you about women going through a roller coaster of emotions in the beginning of a marriage. The beginning of any new phase in life is turbulent and comes with a complex range of contradicting emotions. Now time will tell if the outbursts that she has are merely due to her adjusting to marriage......or......if that's her characteristic way of dealing with conflicts. If it's the latter....(time will tell).....and if he feels hurt/bothered by her outbursts....then there's nothing wrong with him trying to gently address this issue with her.....while simultaneously trying to understand her concerns and seeing how and where he can compromise with her (on his end) to make her feel better.


              Some people do have the habit of saying things like ..."I'm leaving you"....."Don't ever talk to me again".....at even the most minor of offenses. I admit that I've been guilty of responding in that way as well. And after cooling down, I have (many times) realized that my response was an over-reaction to the other person's mistake. In other words, just because I uttered a statement that read as an ultimatum....doesn't have to mean that the other person is always 100% at fault. It's possible that both persons were wrong (to varying extents).



              I don't agree with everything that OP has posted. For example, the leaving home without informing the wife is not cool. It's also unsettling that he still doesn't quite see why that would be a problem. Some things about OP's posts do seem off. Also, I can't think of a time that I've ever tried to incite someone against their own spouse thru my posts. I don't have any experience with marriage, but I do understand that posts have the potential to fuel a person's emotions in the wrong direction as well. I didn't intend any fitnah in my posts and hope they were not interpreted as such. I did suggest communication (not confrontation)...but I emphasized that it needs to be done in a calm manner.
              Last edited by redvelvet; 2 weeks ago.

          • #22
            Rationality don't always work in these kind of situations......it might even flip the person even more.....considering their actions are entirely driven by emotions....
            Marr te gaye aaN ........per Chassss aaa gai A

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            • #23
              Originally posted by Cashmere View Post
              I don't see why you're surprised of her breakfast reaction. She simply wanted to make your breakfast and start her day off with you. You carelessly had breakfast with your mom which sent the following messages: 1. You're not as important as my mommy 2. I still prefer my mommy's cooking over yours anyday 3. I prefer having breakfast WITHOUT you.
              Interesting point.......

              question,

              1. Do you think that the wife got the right messages? and that the husband guy was giving these very message and she was right to construe above stated interpretation?
              2. If not, is it man's fault that the wife misconstrued the situation and derived these messages in her mind?


              Marr te gaye aaN ........per Chassss aaa gai A

              Comment


              • #24
                OP, you have listed only two scenarios, if you can tell more incidents then perhaps we would be in a better position to advise you.
                Incident no.1 you have mentioned: You said you were away for only 25 mins, that is really not much of a time for a spouse to make a big deal out of it. I would understand if she has gotten upset if you had planned this programme with your friend days before and you were out without letting her know for good 3,4 hours but over here this was not the case. So either she is the one who wants to be informed by the husband even if he is going out to fetch a pack of juice or may be that you have informed your mom/dad or other member and she got to know that they knew and she didnt and that might have irritated her.

                Incident no.2: Are you sure she was okay before the breakfast thing? was there anything that happened at night/a day before that she was upset with and she just vent it out over breakfast thing? But if she was indeed upset over it then that's not the right behavior. Getting married doesn't mean that parents are left with no right over their children. If your mother wants to feed you with the breakfast she made, your wife should not mind it, in fact she should welcome it. How would she feel if her mother brings her something and she uses or eat that thing and you become upset with her?

                However, you should not worry much when she says she would leave the house over such silly things, because many times we say such things in anger but does not really mean it.

                Comment


                • #25
                  Originally posted by Cashmere View Post
                  Ignore all fitnah provoking comments, and listen to what Bobby1, Sheeda, and SindSagar have to say on this.
                  They know what they're saying.

                  Marriages are not simple or logical at times. Initial years of marriage require tons of selfless efforts in bonding and building a stable relationship as we adapt into the new role of a spouse. I have witnessed multiple scenarios where women throw fits like the one you listed. I'd be lying if I said I was not one of these women myself. It is extremely normal for women to have a fairy tale approach to marriage and the frustration/anger comes when reality clashes against or fails to align with our preconceptions. So just be easy on her, let her know your whereabouts, plans and be a friend instead of ridiculing her reactions.

                  I don't see why you're surprised of her breakfast reaction. She simply wanted to make your breakfast and start her day off with you. You carelessly had breakfast with your mom which sent the following messages: 1. You're not as important as my mommy 2. I still prefer my mommy's cooking over yours anyday 3. I prefer having breakfast WITHOUT you.

                  From now onward, I suggest that you diplomatically tell your mom to rest a bit and let your wife do the cooking.
                  You should know you're doing something wrong when she has to resort to "I'm leaving you" threats just to get a little bit of your attention.
                  Since when having breakfast with mom or other family member become a sign of carelessness? I don't get this why wives have become so insecure about relationships? In other words it means families are left with no rights and should not show any sentiments towards their own children once they marry them off. I wonder if husband start saying to wife" you can not go to your mom's place, or can not hang out with your friends because it means you prefer spending time with them over me or it shows negligence and carelessness" It is this kind of intolerance and desire to treat your spouse as your property that is leading to more broken homes these days.

                  Comment


                  • redvelvet
                    redvelvet commented
                    Editing a comment
                    Agree.

                    1) OP has said that wife is a good daughter-in-law. If she and the mother-in-law share a good equation with each other then there's no need for her to feel insecure that husband decided to eat what his mother cooked for him.


                    2) On the other hand if the equation between wife and mother-in-law is tense and competitive.....then that could be a reason why she threw a fit over the breakfast.



                    3) Another possible reason is that maybe wife interpreted husband's actions as an indirect message that...."You did not fulfill the command of making breakfast as quickly as my mother has."........and perhaps she feared that MIL would view her as shirking her duty or as irresponsible.



                    4) If (let's say) ..OP is fully aware that his wife and his mother share a tense/competitive dynamics and that his wife fears that any forgetfulness or oversight on her part would be used by the mother-in-law to her advantage...............then there would be no need for OP to create a thread about this as he would already be aware of the reasons behind his wife's outbursts. Or perhaps mother-in-law is more covert about the nastiness, but even so.....it would not remain hidden as the wife would still complain to OP about his mom.


                    5) Basically, if relations between MIL and wife are good. And if husband himself has not prevented wife from making breakfast and if he has never expressed dissatisfaction over wife's cooking skills......then it's unreasonable for wife to get angry especially if she has made breakfast for 8 months.

                • #26
                  She is perfect wife and MIL.... take cares you....

                  maan ley baat.... she wanna be you second mother.... kahan ja rahy ho... kiya kar rahay ho.... ghatay ka soda nahi hai....

                  Comment


                  • redvelvet
                    redvelvet commented
                    Editing a comment
                    When you are at work and have to leave for some reason, do you not inform your supervisor or coworkers that you are stepping out for a lunch break or that you are going to be absent on a certain day...or even that you may be coming late?

                    Does this make your boss or your coworkers your mother? Hmm...?

                    You already have a child, Mahool. When that child grows up and starts driving....will you not expect your him/her to inform you and your wife of where he will be going? I'm pretty sure you will. If your wife made a habit of leaving without informing you, I bet it will irk you at some point if not sooner.

                    It's different when you live on your own or separately. But when a group of people live or work under the same roof, it is generally expected to inform of where you're going.

                    Let's be fair in our criticism. Wife is justified in this situation at least.
                    Last edited by redvelvet; 2 weeks ago.

                • #27
                  Thank you all for your suggestions.

                  This has been an interesting discussion and yes some of the posts do mention things that I have never thought about or realized that my wife could have interpreted this in a different manner than I did.

                  Some folks have suggested informing the wife always when leaving home as it could be "unsettling" I agree with the notion of informing the wife when leaving home and I certainly do when I leave for some work or anything I feel would take me a couple of hours out but I would like to disagree that anytime that I step out of the house I need to inform my wife about my whereabouts if sometimes I fail to do so I have the phone with me and would assume that she would call me if needed. Also, my mother and the wife both have a good relationship and I for one have never seen them arguing or having any sort of disagreement on anything nor has she complained about her to me.

                  Next, about the breakfast thing, I don't dislike my wife's cooking, she does all the cooking for me and my mother usually cooks for herself and dad as they both get up pretty early and have lunch and dinner way earlier than we usually do. So I am always eating what she cooks for me but I think she is a bit conscious if someone does this for me because it has happened before that once I ate biryani that my bhabhi had sent us ( both my brothers with their family live or separate floors of the house we live at the ground portion with my mother and father ) and she became very upset and there wasn't a fight but it was pretty apparent she didn't like this at all and from that day onwards I have avoided eating even if they send us something. What I feel is she should understand we live with other family members and just because I am married I cannot completely cut them off and stick to my wife all the time for everything.

                  Finally, some people suggested she could have some mental or psychological issues and I would say that is certainly not the case based on the amount of time I have spent with my wife she is perfectly fine other than these random anger outbursts which are tolerable and like I said after such arguments she does acknowledge she overreacts sometimes and tries to mend things so that theory is not viable.

                  One important thing that I have missed out and I personally think could be the reason is her staying at home all day because before we got married she had a good managerial position in the financial sector, she earned well and was pretty independent and as per the wishes of her parents and through our mutual consensus she decided to leave the position like a month before marriage. I think maybe she is not used to staying all day at home and this could bee some pent-up frustration that comes out and I am hoping with the passage of time she would finally settle in.

                  Comment


                  • redvelvet
                    redvelvet commented
                    Editing a comment
                    I am the one who said it was "unsettling."

                    1) I disagree with you here. You are the one who made the decision to leave the home, therefore you should be the one to inform your family as opposed to having them chase you down thru text messages. It's far more convenient to do it this way. Trust me that it takes LESS time to open your mouth and inform your family about where you are going...than it does to whip out your cell phone and type up a question and wait for (God knows how long) for the other person to respond.



                    2) We are all psychological beings. All of us. Our actions, our decisions, our words, our reactions.......are a reflection of our psyche and our mental state. So for example, let's say that we have over-reacted to something.......or we have been moody/stressful lately......or have not been ourselves for a while.........then we try to examine our mental/psychological state to find out the reasons. We can also examine external factors. We ALL go through periods of introspection where we analyze our minds, feelings.....in short our mental/psychological states. This does not mean that we are mental ...or paagal....or need to be institutionalized. Yes, there are people who have said that some of your wife's reactions are unreasonable (including yourself). But I don't think anyone here has called her mental or crazy. So don't take the words "mental" and "psychological" to mean that we think she is insane.



                    3) Food can be a means of celebration. It can also be a way for people to bond with each other as they share a meal together, etc etc. So if she's getting upset over a plate of biryani........then she needs to examine her reasons for why. Or you need to sit down and have a gentle conversation with her. Because stuff like this is not only going to strain your marriage .....it also has the potential to hurt your relations with other family members, too.


                    4) Perhaps she is very possessive of you and that stems from fear/insecurity. And while some people here are going to dismiss the wife's actions and tell you to give her tons and tons and tons of love and attention and affection...........( and I am not against that ).........but I also feel that you need to gently talk to her and explore with her why she freaks out over stuff like this. Tons of pyar and mohabbat is not the only solution to an issue. Issues have to be talked about in every relationship....and not overlooked for fear of making the other person angry.

                • #28
                  Originally posted by Abbasilk View Post
                  Thank you all for your suggestions.

                  This has been an interesting discussion and yes some of the posts do mention things that I have never thought about or realized that my wife could have interpreted this in a different manner than I did.

                  Some folks have suggested informing the wife always when leaving home as it could be "unsettling" I agree with the notion of informing the wife when leaving home and I certainly do when I leave for some work or anything I feel would take me a couple of hours out but I would like to disagree that anytime that I step out of the house I need to inform my wife about my whereabouts if sometimes I fail to do so I have the phone with me and would assume that she would call me if needed. Also, my mother and the wife both have a good relationship and I for one have never seen them arguing or having any sort of disagreement on anything nor has she complained about her to me.

                  Next, about the breakfast thing, I don't dislike my wife's cooking, she does all the cooking for me and my mother usually cooks for herself and dad as they both get up pretty early and have lunch and dinner way earlier than we usually do. So I am always eating what she cooks for me but I think she is a bit conscious if someone does this for me because it has happened before that once I ate biryani that my bhabhi had sent us ( both my brothers with their family live or separate floors of the house we live at the ground portion with my mother and father ) and she became very upset and there wasn't a fight but it was pretty apparent she didn't like this at all and from that day onwards I have avoided eating even if they send us something. What I feel is she should understand we live with other family members and just because I am married I cannot completely cut them off and stick to my wife all the time for everything.

                  Finally, some people suggested she could have some mental or psychological issues and I would say that is certainly not the case based on the amount of time I have spent with my wife she is perfectly fine other than these random anger outbursts which are tolerable and like I said after such arguments she does acknowledge she overreacts sometimes and tries to mend things so that theory is not viable.

                  One important thing that I have missed out and I personally think could be the reason is her staying at home all day because before we got married she had a good managerial position in the financial sector, she earned well and was pretty independent and as per the wishes of her parents and through our mutual consensus she decided to leave the position like a month before marriage. I think maybe she is not used to staying all day at home and this could bee some pent-up frustration that comes out and I am hoping with the passage of time she would finally settle in.
                  So why couldn't you invite her to eat your mothers paratha or bhabis biryanni with you. When someone sends us food we share it, if you are okay with her leaving the house without telling you then she should be okay with you not telling her. You never answered my question as to what you do for her to make her feel appreciated, she left her home, her family her job and everything for you. What did you do for her?

                  If you don't change your ways then maybe you will have a wife but not her love, a woman's love is not an entitlement but something that needs to be earned.

                  Comment


                  • #29



                    Good grief! OP said that bhabi sent biryani for "US"....meaning he knew that it wasn't sent only for him and that it was meant to be shared with others.

                    If wife was upset because she felt he was hogging the biryani, OP would have mentioned it. So, I doubt that not sharing was the issue.

                    The issue is something else. Is wife maybe insecure that he might compare the biryani to the bhabi's or like her cooking more than hers? Possibly. Seems like there's maybe some sort of insecurity here. Maybe a desire to always be the best or number one or preferred to others...or even being in charge. Another possibility could be that since she was in a managerial position, she must have been used to being in charge....or being in control.....and this can even translate into the home life and relationships. Or maybe she misses working.

                    Comment


                    • #30
                      I dont think he can see beyond his nose, I ate my mommys paratha, I wanted to eat anda, I ate biryanni, I went out with friends. she cooks I eat, she should feel privileged that she is allowed to be his maid, hopefully she is happy in the privilege of being his maid which is far better than being a manager at a firm and pursuing fulfillment. She should just focus on him and not think about her needs.

                      When asked how you show appreciation for someone who left everything for a deficient life where she does not even have her own house, the answer is silence.

                      Comment


                      • aqua70
                        aqua70 commented
                        Editing a comment
                        I noticed that too. OP wants to live the same life he did before he got married but expects the wife to adjust wholly. I am willing to give him benefit of doubt but.... he needs to really be more considerate especially since this is new for her. Staying at home all day can drive an ambitious person mad.

                      • Bobby1
                        Bobby1 commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Man Child!!!
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