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Do you blame people for hiding mental and physical ailments in Arranged Marriages?

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  • Do you blame people for hiding mental and physical ailments in Arranged Marriages?

    I am not trolling here but this is kind of a hard one for me to wrap my head around where i have a black and white approach where i say yes they should but then realist in me also tells me that things are not always that simple on this planet. I will give a couple of very different examples to prove my case

    1) My mamu has always suffered from clinical depression his entire life. I do know for a fact that this was not disclosed to his wife and her family before and it was after the night of the valima where my khala told his wife that she had to make sure that my mamu took Xanax, Prozac daily because he suffers from clinical depression.

    Now on the other hand, his wife did not disclose to my nana's family about her being psychotic, szhiprohenic where she hallucinates, sees, imagines things in her mind. While my mamu was a professional failure and did not really have much ambition in life, she used to beat him with a shoe and insult humiliate him everyday. But yes her main gripe was that her entire life was ruined because of being married to a loser like him and the fact that his clinical depression was not disclosed to her

    2) My Chacha was a diabetic, but this was not disclosed to his wife and her family before the marriage and the truth came to light afterwards. Now this Chacha of mine is very successful and is a millionare and lives in a really huge mansion and has 2 wonderful kids and a really wonderful, loving caring wife who even though is not out of the world good looking but is such a dream role model spouse in the sense that she really looks after her husband, everyone in the family keeps saying he really won the lottery.

    Unfortunately his inlaws still to this day hold a really powerful grudge against our side of the family and they still have not forgiven my daadi and the rest of the family for keeping his diabetes a secret

    3) My sister was today telling me about one of her closest friends from University who was a really bright student and cleared all medical exams in one go and had a really easy time academically in comparison to others and is now a practicing doctor doing a house job in one of the most prestigious hospitals in Pakistan. However unfortunately this girl suffers from severe clinical depression, she fell in love with a guy in her batch and she did not hide this information from him and he had no problems with this and readily accepted her

    They both got married. My sister was telling me that the girl was not getting along with her in laws due to which the guy moved out of his home with his wife and they both moved into an apartment instead. However her clinical depression has really now gotten worse and now it appears that the guy himself is extremely worn down dealing with her low mood swings and it now appears their marriage is on the rocks.

    4) A friend of mine in Canada got married to a Pakistani girl in Canada via arranged marriage, it turned out later on that the girl had a severe kidney problem for which she required frequent treatment and this was not disclosed to the guy and his family by the parents. While the guy was supportive and okay with it, his parents were extremely infuriated by this act by the girl and her parents and literally kicked the girl out of the house and the couple ended up getting divorced.

    5) I myself have Aspergers Syndrome and have very poor social skills and am deeply introverted. Lol my elders just right now couldn't stop raving about my sisters fiance who came to meet us for dinner today about how they were breath taken by the guys amazing social skills where he could act like a kid in front of kids, like a teenager with teenagers and as an adult with adults and how he had the ability to keep conversations going.

    When i compare myself to that guy, i obviously do not feel good because i tend to go into a silent shell when there are microscopic lenses on me and i know deep down a guy with amazing confidence will sell much more easily in comparison to someone who is shy, introverted and that most parents will not like a guy with zero confidence.

    Anyways, ethically speaking i know i have to disclose my Aspergers Syndrome problem to a potential future partner and that i cannot in good conscious bury it under the carpet

    The purpose of this thread is to ask the following

    - Are couples justified in keeping their mental problems a secret before marriage?

    - Does suffering from problems like Clinical Depression mean that the person should not get married at all?

    I am interested in hearing a consensus on this one

  • #2
    Let me give my thoughts on each scenario:

    1) I feel bad for the couple. If they have kids, I wonder how they turned out.

    2) It doesn't matter. As a guy, you don't have to give a sh*t what your in-laws think of you. Just take the girl and run.

    3) She probably should get therapy. Would help with the marriage.

    4) I would be pissed too. Looks like the family didn't want to pay for her medical bills for so long and decided to rush her in marriage.

    5) Don't compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to the person you were yesterday. You can always get therapy, improve yourself. Don't lose hope and be optimistic.


    Now to answer ur question:

    If a girl/guy is understanding they wouldnt mind. The person that has mental or physical illness should also seek out treatment so they can better themselves. If they don't get help, their illness is only going to get worse.

    No if someone has clinical depression they should seek help, treatment, and find coping strategies. Once they can manage their depression, then they should get married

    Last edited by booompatakha; 3 weeks ago.

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    • #3
      Lol, what?s not simple.
      Min each of these examples you cited, the other person should have been informed.
      Grizzly bear

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      • #4
        Asperger's syndrome? this is consistent with your online behaviour, asking others opinions about issues affecting you that you have already overanalysed and overthought about, and then go back into your shell when people answer or ask for further clarifications. You will not get a consensus even if there was one to satisfy your mind. You don't troll, you can't help trolling.
        I'm Not The Messiah, I'm A Very Naughty Boy

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        • #5
          No, people aren't justified in hiding that kind of information. Some people aren't able to be with a neurodivergent, mentally ill, disabled, or chronically ill spouse and shouldn't be duped into marrying someone like that. It is what it is. One is better off being single and happy than being in a relationship where important information is hidden from the potential spouse because you never know how someone could react to that.

          If you are transparent about yourself then you can definitely find someone who is willing to be with you. I would be careful though. Lots of twisted people like to prey on disabled, mentally ill, chronically ill..etc individuals.

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          • #6
            I'd sue them for lying.

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            • #7
              Yes, I most definitely would blame a person for hiding a mental/physical ailment in arranged marriage. I have been brutally honest during the rishta process about a skin condition I have. Because I did'nt want to waste mine or his time & have the rishta/marriage potentially break later on coz of this. You should give the other person the opportunity to decide for themselves if the illness is something they can deal with or not. And there will definitely be someone who will be willing to be with you & accept you as you are.

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              • #8
                Arranged marriages usually are parents at the upper hand

                Mental disease are still a taboo in Pakistan and many don't believe in it

                Blame on Nazar, jadoo, jinn etc

                Not to forget the cultural thing that marriage fixes many things

                So parents will usually hid the mental issue and assume marriage will fix the girl/guy

                As for physical , only those desperate to get married or to be get ridden by parents do they hid it


                Not justifying any party but giving opinion

                Physical aspect should be made clear but on mental aspect it's really vague and to each his/her own


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                • #9
                  Take at it this way chief, the parents of both groom and bride are playing a game of russian roulette. You don't know how the person is going to be becuase it's not a love marraige. So Eff it, let them deal with the consequences. They should've done their research prior to saying yes to the Rishta. As I see it, it's on the parents and not you or the girl. Let them deal with it cause "They got you marriage" Get it?

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                  • #10
                    Certainly i would blame people who hide their ailments

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                    • #11
                      Not justified to hide it..

                      Some people will accept physical or mental issues and the decent thing to do would be to wait for someone who is ok with it..

                      I have a cousin who has vitiligo and she didn't disclose this to a potential.. One day he saw it on her neck though and was furious (I think she had been hiding it with a scarf up to that point).. He said he wanted his mum and sister to check out the rest of her body (which I also think was a bit weird btw) and when she refused the marriage was called off..
                      Confidence is silent, insecurities are loud..

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                      • #12
                        consensus.......you should disclose.
                        Marr te gaye aaN ........per Chassss aaa gai A

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                        • #13
                          People hide worse things just to "trap rishte". You think clinical depression is bad? I received many shocks after my own marriage. I knew one of my nands was mentally and physically challenged. However was told the mid wife was the reason for her disability. During my wedding 4 other similar cases within myth ex husband's family were clearly visible. This was surely not a one off case.

                          My eldest nand was never introduced to us until a few days before the wedding day. I had a strong inkling that something was not right but just couldn't suss it out. It was only during the wedding we all realised that shE had prostitite qualities. The dirty dancing, inappropriate dressing even for the "uber modern" in Pakistan, her overall body language. It was only with time that I discovered this woman was a part time prostitute who was sleeping with ministers from a particular party. My ex in laws had numerous corruption charges against them along with a stupendous amount of court cases. People lie about their ages, jobs, family backgrounds etc. These are a few examples of the beautiful qualities you will come across some Pakistanis. I wish people would be honest about their flaws. Relationships based on lies never last. However, the girls suffer in the end.
                          Hamain maat dhondna duniya ki bheed main... Hum milein ge tumhain tumhari parchayi main


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