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convincing a guy to marry you who has already said no?

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  • #16
    Originally posted by redvelvet View Post

    You're right, I don't know anyone's situation. But how can we know your situation when for the most part you've been pretty vague with your questions? You just recently shared details about your predicament, and that too, only after I asked you a series of questions in an attempt to better help you. I have been through my share of heartache and I have made my fair share of mistakes and the advice that I gave you (about self-respect) is the same advice that I have given myself plenty of times...the same advice that I have even made the mistake of ignoring...and then ended up regretting it later on. Perhaps you think that my advice comes from a place of arrogance or that I intended it in a high and mighty manner. That is not so. It comes from a place of experience and caring.

    Ego and self-respect are not the same thing. Ego deals more with a false sense of pride; it is blind to the rights and feelings of others. The example you gave of the Prophet SAWS is not applicable here. Selflessly preaching a message of faith upon Allah's orders and without desiring any sort of worldly gain is not the same as trying to gain marriage from a guy after he has refused. By your own admission, sometimes you suspect this guy is just using family as an excuse to get rid of you. This means that even you don't trust him 100%. Let's suppose that this is indeed the case. That would then make him a liar. Is a liar worth convincing? Conversely, let's give him the benefit of the doubt and suppose that he truly did try to convince his parents and that their only point of objection is that you are not a Syed. Being the descendants of the Prophet SAWS is all the more reason for adhering to his sunnah and such an objection is not in keeping with that. If he surrendered to his family this early on in the game, then I question how strong of a husband he will make later on? You say that you have not spoken to him at all for a while now. And if he has also kept a distance from you, then what does that say of his investment? I hope that he is able to convince his parents and I would be very happy for you if he does, but let him do it without any pressure from you. If not, then may you be blessed with someone much better. You are not obligated to follow our suggestions. You know your boyfriend and your relationship better than we do, so do what you feel comfortable with. Whatever the outcome, may Allah make it easy for you; Amin.
    When you invest so much emotions, time, energy & effort into someone then you obviously want that thing to work & you will give your 100% to do that. Thats why I said har aik cheez ko anaa ka masla nahi banana chahiye. Now couples who get divorced, it takes just few days to get rid of each other but the relationship they build took years, the kids they raised together took years but just few seconds to destroy that home. If one partner is not in his senses then its other persons job to knock some sense into his head. May be he is going through something in his head which is just " situational" not permanent.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by stressed View Post

      When you invest so much emotions, time, energy & effort into someone then you obviously want that thing to work & you will give your 100% to do that. Thats why I said har aik cheez ko anaa ka masla nahi banana chahiye. Now couples who get divorced, it takes just few days to get rid of each other but the relationship they build took years, the kids they raised together took years but just few seconds to destroy that home. If one partner is not in his senses then its other persons job to knock some sense into his head. May be he is going through something in his head which is just " situational" not permanent.
      You mention anaa ka masla a lot, so let's explore this subject.

      1) You seem to think that ignoring a guy is the only way that anaa/ego can be shown. And you seem to think that by ignoring him, you are depriving him of your love and your encouragement. That is, of course, one way to look at it and this angle does make sense. However, (to play devil's advocate here) ....if he is making an excuse to avoid marrying you because he does not 100% want to........then it's better to accept his response (even though it hurts)....because trying to convince someone to make a lifelong commitment against their will is not a sign of love. Imposing your desires on someone is also a sign of anaa.


      2) The 100% investment of emotions/time/energy/effort that you are speaking of also needs to be returned 100% by the other person. If you are 100% dedicated to the notion of spending the rest of your life with him and he only feels 40-60% about it, then trying your hardest to get him on the same page as you might sound romantic but it's actually emotionally exhausting. Your situation cannot be compared to a married couple on the verge of divorce. You did not live with him under the same roof, you do not have any children with him, a premarital affair does not carry the same gravity or significance as a nikkah contract. The potential losses that you might face are not exactly equivalent to a marriage.


      3) On one hand I think that it might help if we got input from the male members. But then I think that even that not be enough for you. The question that you have posed in this thread is worded in a neutral way, but your responses have not been neutral. Your seem more inclined toward the idea of persuading this guy and you don't want to accept any advice that suggests the contrary. Agar koi tumhain manna karay k aisa mat karo....to tum aagay se poochti ho k kyun nahi? Is main kharaabi hi kya hai? In that case........if you have so much faith in your own beliefs......then go and try to convince him then.

      You said that you have stopped talking to him for a while now. How long has this period been? And during this period, has he made any attempts to reach out to you (provided you didn't block him)...? If he has also responded to you with silence, then it's usually not the most encouraging sign to broach the subject of marriage. You can try to persuade him and if it works in your favor, then great, but understand that you'd be among the minority group of women. The general pattern among guys is that if they are 100% vested in you, then they won't let you go easily.
      Last edited by redvelvet; 1 week ago.
      Do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time. For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

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      • #18
        ^ OMG... No need to get all worked up. Tum ne keh diya aur mene maan liya, happy now???

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        • #19
          Originally posted by redvelvet View Post

          You mention anaa ka masla a lot, so let's explore this subject.

          1) You seem to think that ignoring a guy is the only way that anaa/ego can be shown. And you seem to think that by ignoring him, you are depriving him of your love and your encouragement. That is, of course, one way to look at it and this angle does make sense. However, (to play devil's advocate here) ....if he is making an excuse to avoid marrying you because he does not 100% want to........then it's better to accept his response (even though it hurts)....because trying to convince someone to make a lifelong commitment against their will is not a sign of love. Imposing your desires on someone is also a sign of anaa.


          2) The 100% investment of emotions/time/energy/effort that you are speaking of also needs to be returned 100% by the other person. If you are 100% dedicated to the notion of spending the rest of your life with him and he only feels 40-60% about it, then trying your hardest to get him on the same page as you might sound romantic but it's actually emotionally exhausting. Your situation cannot be compared to a married couple on the verge of divorce. You did not live with him under the same roof, you do not have any children with him, a premarital affair does not carry the same gravity or significance as a nikkah contract. The potential losses that you might face are not exactly equivalent to a marriage.


          3) On one hand I think that it might help if we got input from the male members. But then I think that even that not be enough for you. The question that you have posed in this thread is worded in a neutral way, but your responses have not been neutral. Your seem more inclined toward the idea of persuading this guy and you don't want to accept any advice that suggests the contrary. Agar koi tumhain manna karay k aisa mat karo....to tum aagay se poochti ho k kyun nahi? Is main kharaabi hi kya hai? In that case........if you have so much faith in your own beliefs......then go and try to convince him then.

          You said that you have stopped talking to him for a while now. How long has this period been? And during this period, has he made any attempts to reach out to you (provided you didn't block him)...? If he has also responded to you with silence, then it's usually not the most encouraging sign to broach the subject of marriage. You can try to persuade him and if it works in your favor, then great, but understand that you'd be among the minority group of women. The general pattern among guys is that if they are 100% vested in you, then they won't let you go easily.
          And if a girl is 100% vested in a guy then?? She wont let him go either but when a girl tries then she doesn't "value herself" & she doesn't have "self respect". So a guy can try with his self respect intact but things turn upside down when a girl tries... hmm okk.

          And with marriage example I was talking about how such romantic relationships can be destroyed by just one partner no matter the amount of emotions, time, energy & effort you put in it but you took it to another level.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by stressed View Post
            ^ OMG... No need to get all worked up. Tum ne keh diya aur mene maan liya, happy now???
            All I did was explain another angle to you and you equate it to getting worked up? LOL

            Do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time. For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

            Comment


            • #21
              stressed

              I spoke to a good friend of mine that is Syed. She told me that the first preference is of a Syed rishta and that some families treat this as a rule, whereas others are less rigid about it. It's possible that your boyfriend's family treats this practice as a rule. So he may have told you the truth. But in that case, he must have known about this family rule from before hand. And if he's going to become so obedient of his mother right now, then why did he enter a relationship with you in the first place? Do you have an answer for this?


              I had asked you a couple of times whether he has reached out to you during your period of silence and you haven't answered it. How long has it been since you have stopped talking to him and during this time has he contacted you at all? If he hasn't, then it makes your situation even tougher.


              We have shared various angles with you, but it's for you to decide what you want to do. If you plan to convince him, then I will suggest that you avoid using words like "Man up!" and "Stop being a puppet to your family." Those are very strong words, they can sound harsh, and they can push him away from you. You don't want to give him the impression that you don't care at all about his family. I think it would be better if you try to work together with him in coming up with some strong, valid talking points that he can use while discussing this matter with his parents. Of course, this is provided if he still wants to marry you. There's also a possibility that he may not respond to you, or that he will refuse you again.....and either of these responses is going to be painful. But if you still want to give it a try........then prepare your heart for whatever result this step will bring.


              I have edited this post of mine sooooo many times. I had to take out the time to think about whether I am coming across as harsh, or hasty, or wrong in discouraging you. So, that's why I also included the other side of the coin: the possibility of broaching the subject with him again. I will be honest with you.....I am not very hopeful, Stressed. I have been through something similar a long time ago and I remember that my own attempts at convincing were shot down in a pretty hurtful way. In hindsight I wish I hadn't bothered because with time it became glaringly clear that the guy was neither genuine nor vested. So, just giving you a heads-up so that you can mentally ready yourself. It's your decision what you want to do. Best wishes.
              Last edited by redvelvet; 1 week ago.
              Do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time. For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

              Comment


              • #22
                OK. There could be reasons why he refused the first time, even though he did fancy you etc. You have to have a straight up chat with him about the topic. If he comes off as indecisive and his reasons aren't solid/are unacceptable to you - just let it be. If someone is really into you enough to marry you, they'll be sure about it. They wouldn't need chasing and convincing.
                Heart in London. Mind in Lahore. Physically in Dubai. Loving it every millisecond.

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                • #23
                  Where can I find me a girl like this?!
                  Remember God so much that you are forgotten.Let the caller and the called disappear;be lost in the Call.- Rumi

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