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Do children really bring their own rizq?

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  • Do children really bring their own rizq?

    Salam everyone.

    I have two young daughters. I absolutely did not want anymore children for many reasons listed below. A few months ago I found out I was pregnant with a third child and I was devastated. While I am no longer crying every day, I still don't feel happy or excited. I kind of have a neutral feeling of nothingness. I have just accepted it as Allah's will as I don't want to accumulate sin thinking negative about it.

    My reasons for not wanting more are very valid and practical:

    1.) My husband and I both have medical issues. Both of us barely have any energy for the two kids we already have. I have no idea how I will have time or energy for a third. Most days I don't even have energy/time to cook/clean. If I take my kids to the park for 1 hour I come home completely exhausted out of my mind and have no energy to do anything else for the rest of the day. Husband is either working or on his free time only takes naps because he is always tired. Nothing ever gets done.

    2.) We live in a 3 bedroom condo apartment that we own. We don't have the money (on one income) to buy a home and at this point getting a house is impossible because the cost of living in my area is extremely high. Townhouses are going for 650 to 750 k and there are bidding wars on top of that. I have been a sahm for 6 years. I used to have a good job but was laid off. I decided to stay home and had two kids two years apart. My youngest is finally starting school in September and I was really looking forward to going back to work so we can eventually save up and get a bigger place/move into a house. Our apartment is very cramped as it is. One bedroom is for my husband and I, one my daughters share and the third is his home office (he works from home). We don't have space for a third child. My husband is a hoarder and the place is very cluttered as is. He isn't willing to change his ways and refudes to acknowledge he has a hoarding problem. I don't know when I will be able to go back to work now that I am about to have a third baby. I feel like we have been stuck in a rut living paycheck to paycheck since I have been home and my husband only makes $70k which for his level of experience and the area we live in is pretty crappy. He is not ambitious at all and has never tried to get better jobs or go further in his career. He has fully admitted to me that he is not ambitious and never will be and is only working because "he has to." I on the other hand am ambitious and want to go far in my career and life but being a sahm for 6 years has already set me back and now a few more years of being home will really screw me over career wise. I also don't realistically know if I can manage working full time and take care of 3 kids due to my health issues and extreme lack of energy. The thought of this is extremely depressing.

    3.) My oldest has a mild physical disability which requires more medical appointments and Physiotherapy a lot of which we have to pay out of pocket. I didn't want a third to take time/money/resources away from her. I barely have time energy to do the excercises at home with her with 3 it will become that much more difficult. Furthermore I am currently researching a life changing surgery for her that is the only thing that can help her condition. It's only available in the U.S. and we live in Canada so it would cost $150k when you include the cost of the surgery/intense physio afterwards and travel and accommodation (you stay for 3 weeks). We don't have that kind of money. We will have to go into severe debt to make it happen and as a parent...I will do anything I can to improve my child's quality of life.

    After each child I didn't see our rizq improve all that much. We have always had enough to feed, clothe and put a roof over our heads but I don't feel like any kid brought rizq as in improved my husband's income all that much or gave him more opportunities. Is it really true that each child brings it's own rizq? I honestly don't know how we will survive with 3 kids in our situation for all the reasons mentioned above. If our rizq is meant to improve does that mean Allah can cure my medical issues so that I can be capable of being a working mother of 3 kids? Because my husband is not ambitious at all so the rizq improvement can't come from his end...it would have to come from my end...right? Because they say Allah only helps those who help themselves.

  • #2
    Walaikum as Salam

    It's good to see you back, Candy Apple.


    I haven't researched Islam's stance on the question that you are asking, so my view is merely an opinion:

    Rizq is already predestined, however there are certain actions that increase life and rizq. For example, reciting abundant istigfhar is said to increase risk and this is mentioned in the Quran. Maintaining ties of kinship is said to increase one's life and I think rizq as well. The way I see it is as that children bring their own rizq and their own destiny. For example, my sister is a doctor, I am an educator, my brother is in IT. All three of us earn different amounts of money. We came into this world destined for a certain amount of rizq. You seem to think that the birth of each child will translate into an increase in your husband's earnings. And I know some Muslim families go as far as to believe that one of their children is "lucky" because things improved dramatically after the birth of that child; they see the child as a good luck charm and think that he/she will bring prosperity even into the family they marry into. I don't know if there's any validity in this idea, but it makes me uncomfortable. Rizq comes from Allah. Just as each of your children brought their own unique set of physical features, and their own unique set of gifts and challenges, their own unique path/destiny ....they also brought their own designated amount of rizq or provisions that they will be given/earn. Also, I recall a scholar once saying that rizq is not only confined to money. Rizq includes all your provisions....it includes the things that you use... the clothes you wear and the food you eat and I think even your relations are all included in rizq.


    A bigger house means a bigger space, which in turn means MORE cleaning and maintenance. So, if right now you don't feel motivated enough to clean a smaller space, then cleaning a bigger house might be more overwhelming. The idea of a house and especially a big one sounds appealing....and may you be blessed with your dream house soon (Amin)... but consider that it also means greater upkeep.


    Also, going back to work.....means having more on your plate. Any working mother can argue against this point until the cows come home. But it's simple math. When you are a working mom, you will have MORE on your plate. You will have to juggle the demands of your career.....and when you return home....you have to tend to the needs of your family....cooking/cleaning/getting the kids ready for school.


    You say that the house is too small for a third child. Don't worry about that right now. I feel like you're looking too far ahead into the future and we tend to do that when our anxiety gets the better of us and blows things out of proportion. Try to focus on the present and take one thing at a time. A baby won't take up much space. The baby can sleep in your bedroom as is the case for many couples. It will take time for that baby to grow up to the point that he/she will need its own independent space. But for now, it's okay. Me and my siblings....the 3 of us...grew up in an apartment and we only had 2 bedrooms. One for my parents and the other room was shared by the three of us. It worked out. It works out for many families.


    Your husband is not ambitious and he is not willing to budge on the hoarding. Okay. Can you try to find something else that he can compromise with you on? Let go of the hoarding issue for now. Let go of his lack of ambition. Just have a heart-to-heart talk with him and tell him you feel overwhelmed and that you need his help with some things around the home. Ask him if he can help with the exercises your daughter needs. Maybe you guys can come up with a rotation....where he does the exercises for 1 week....and you can do it the following week...or split it up in another way. If he's not open to doing a whole bunch of chores....then pick only 1 chore...and ask him if he can help you with that...and make a schedule for it. Try breaking it down into smaller tasks.......and smaller expectations so that hopefully he won't get too defensive. When your eldest starts school, I think you will feel a bit more relaxed. It'll give your more time to do exercises with your daughter and take care of things around the house...rest a bit, etc.


    Rather than cleaning an entire room ....you can clean up only one small corner of it. And then the next day, you can clean another small corner. You might feel less overwhelmed that way. There's a Japanese principle of time management which suggests spending just a few minutes ...each day to complete a task as compared to spending an hour on it and feeling burnt out. Maybe your eldest can help you out with some tasks ....with putting away her toys, etc. As for your husband's hoarding.....you can try to make his hoarding collection look a little bit more organized by storing it in various containers. So, all professional papers in one box. All photo albums in another container. Etc etc.


    I'm going to suggest a tip. ....do abundant istighfar. Even when you are tired and you're just in bed....take out your tasbeeh and just start reciting Astaghfirullah....as much as you. Recite it even while doing the dishes or chores around the house. And you will definitely find that things get easier and inshAllah you will have increased strength and energy. Because Allah says in the Quran that when we do istighfar....He will increase us in strength (which you need)...he will increase us in rizq (which you desire)...and many other things.

    I will share with you the story of my friend and perhaps it will serve as motivation for you. My friend does istighfar in abundance and she found that the changes it brought into her life was that things happened more smoothly and that she earned a lot of izzat. Her sister also did lots of istighfar.....about 20,000 times each day. The company her sister worked for was in trouble and she was advised to seek employment elsewhere. Naturally that's an uncomfortable situation for many. But she ended up finding another job in a very short amount of time...and one that pays her double the salary, MashaAllah/Alhumdolillah. There are many such cases and they are not mere stories, but actual accounts. So, give this a shot. It won't require any physical labor from you, it's free of cost, all you have to do is keep your tongue busy. You may not see results right away....but with time you will see changes. Have faith in this. You might say that you already do namaz and make dua...but that's the bare minimum. Dhikr should be done in abundance ...zikran kaseera....as it says in the Quran (kasrat se zikar karo). As the scholar Humza Yusuf says......"if your feeling anxious, it's because you're not doing enough dhikr".....think of it as being dehydrated when your body is not getting enough water.....and how it leads to a host of other issues. Dhikr is like water for the restless heart and soul.

    Comment


    • #3
      This is not an easy situation to be in, I don't think I can add valuable input to this thread. I can however, confirm that Redvelvet?s advice on istighfar is very, VERY true. I testify to this from a personal standpoint. So much beyond the benefits she listed. Some things are too subtle, too precious to be put into words. Try it on you own, and you'll find out what we meant.
      "Brevity is the soul of wit." Hamlet, William Shakespeare.

      Comment


      • redvelvet
        redvelvet commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you Cashmere. Your post is motivation for me to do this dhikr as well.

      • Cashmere
        Cashmere commented
        Editing a comment
        redvelvet Bless

      • redvelvet
        redvelvet commented
        Editing a comment
        @Cashmere

        Would you mind sharing your experience with istighfar, the miracles or changes you experienced? If you don't feel comfortable, I understand. No worries.

    • #4
      Congratulations on the new baby. Dont take it as a bad news. I have heard that children bring their own rizq. But it doesnt mean one keeps popping out kids. Planning should be there.

      however since you are prego already, move along. Yes right now you may feel like you wont survive with 3 but from what its seen, you'll do ok. Ofcourse it'll be hard but take it on face value. Do your best. i'm very sorry to know the disability situation but keep working for the best. May ALLAH help you and family.

      Comment


      • #5
        Originally posted by candy_apple View Post
        Salam everyone.

        I have two young daughters. I absolutely did not want anymore children for many reasons listed below. A few months ago I found out I was pregnant with a third child and I was devastated. While I am no longer crying every day, I still don't feel happy or excited. I kind of have a neutral feeling of nothingness. I have just accepted it as Allah's will as I don't want to accumulate sin thinking negative about it.

        My reasons for not wanting more are very valid and practical:

        1.) My husband and I both have medical issues. Both of us barely have any energy for the two kids we already have. I have no idea how I will have time or energy for a third. Most days I don't even have energy/time to cook/clean. If I take my kids to the park for 1 hour I come home completely exhausted out of my mind and have no energy to do anything else for the rest of the day. Husband is either working or on his free time only takes naps because he is always tired. Nothing ever gets done.

        2.) We live in a 3 bedroom condo apartment that we own. We don't have the money (on one income) to buy a home and at this point getting a house is impossible because the cost of living in my area is extremely high. Townhouses are going for 650 to 750 k and there are bidding wars on top of that. I have been a sahm for 6 years. I used to have a good job but was laid off. I decided to stay home and had two kids two years apart. My youngest is finally starting school in September and I was really looking forward to going back to work so we can eventually save up and get a bigger place/move into a house. Our apartment is very cramped as it is. One bedroom is for my husband and I, one my daughters share and the third is his home office (he works from home). We don't have space for a third child. My husband is a hoarder and the place is very cluttered as is. He isn't willing to change his ways and refudes to acknowledge he has a hoarding problem. I don't know when I will be able to go back to work now that I am about to have a third baby. I feel like we have been stuck in a rut living paycheck to paycheck since I have been home and my husband only makes $70k which for his level of experience and the area we live in is pretty crappy. He is not ambitious at all and has never tried to get better jobs or go further in his career. He has fully admitted to me that he is not ambitious and never will be and is only working because "he has to." I on the other hand am ambitious and want to go far in my career and life but being a sahm for 6 years has already set me back and now a few more years of being home will really screw me over career wise. I also don't realistically know if I can manage working full time and take care of 3 kids due to my health issues and extreme lack of energy. The thought of this is extremely depressing.

        3.) My oldest has a mild physical disability which requires more medical appointments and Physiotherapy a lot of which we have to pay out of pocket. I didn't want a third to take time/money/resources away from her. I barely have time energy to do the excercises at home with her with 3 it will become that much more difficult. Furthermore I am currently researching a life changing surgery for her that is the only thing that can help her condition. It's only available in the U.S. and we live in Canada so it would cost $150k when you include the cost of the surgery/intense physio afterwards and travel and accommodation (you stay for 3 weeks). We don't have that kind of money. We will have to go into severe debt to make it happen and as a parent...I will do anything I can to improve my child's quality of life.

        After each child I didn't see our rizq improve all that much. We have always had enough to feed, clothe and put a roof over our heads but I don't feel like any kid brought rizq as in improved my husband's income all that much or gave him more opportunities. Is it really true that each child brings it's own rizq? I honestly don't know how we will survive with 3 kids in our situation for all the reasons mentioned above. If our rizq is meant to improve does that mean Allah can cure my medical issues so that I can be capable of being a working mother of 3 kids? Because my husband is not ambitious at all so the rizq improvement can't come from his end...it would have to come from my end...right? Because they say Allah only helps those who help themselves.

        If you're Canadian and there's a treatment that's not available in Canada then I believe the Canadian govt covers your healthcare costs abroad, so the American hospital would send your bill to the Canadian govt. That's how I think it works, don't take my word but you can look into this.

        Comment


        • #6
          You can have a termination if the new arrival could potentially have a significant negative impact on you and your family, physically, mentally and financially. But think very hard as whatever decision you make, you will have to live with that for the rest of your life.
          I'm Not The Messiah, I'm A Very Naughty Boy

          Comment


          • #7
            Originally posted by candy_apple View Post


            After each child I didn't see our rizq improve all that much. We have always had enough to feed, clothe and put a roof over our heads but I don't feel like any kid brought rizq as in improved my husband's income all that much or gave him more opportunities.
            I have heard that parents in Canada receive the CCB (Canada Child Benefit) which is a monthly monetary amount for each child that they have. The higher the net income of the household, the lower the CCB amount, but it seems that it is still provided. If that is true, then babies in Canada quite literally come with some amount of "rizq." At least each child that you had did not result in you being hand-to-mouth...right? By your own admission you "always" had enough in terms of food, clothing, and maintaining a roof above your head. Alhumdolillah, to be in a state of sufficiency is a blessing and a mercy because there are many in the world who have far less than that. There has to be more to a child than its rizq, right? Having a child comes with its challenges (like anything else in this world), but surely it has enriched your life in many ways too. You marvel at their innocence, at their purity, at how they might be a mirror image of you or your spouse, at finding your own traits/gifts/childhood reflected back in them, how despite having so much to teach them you also end up learning life lessons from them, the memories they bring, how they expand your capacity to love and to be selfless, etc etc. The child you see as a burden right now might prove to be your source of strength and comfort many times in the future.

            Comment


            • #8
              No as it turns out the government will not cover the cost of the surgery. Many families with kids much more severe than my daughter have tried to get OHIP to cover it and failed. My daughter is extremely mild and high functioning (alhumdolilah) so she definitely would not qualify for coverage because they just say "she doesn't need the surgery."

              Termination is not an option. I thought about it a lot in the beginning but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I would never forgive myself and guilt would eat me up. Furthermore, husband said he would divorce me if I did. I am ok with getting divorced because we already have issues in our marriage but I did not want it to happen while kids are still so young. They adore their father. So now even if we get divorced 10 years from now, I will be single Mom of 3 rather than 2. Not easy, but what can I do. May Allah give me strength to handle it if that day ever comes.

              Yes you are right we do qualify for some child tax benefit. It is income dependent and you have to file taxes to receive the money. We are probably owed a lot but my husband hasn't done our taxes for last few years, therefore we have not been in receipt of any payments. Like I said he has chronic pain and health issues but he is also very lazy. He has had chances to do taxes but always makes excuses. He prefers to sleep or watch movies in his free time. Like I said earlier nothing productive ever gets done because of his lazy ways.

              Thank you for all your responses. Especially you red velvet. You are always so sincere in your responses and you give good advice.

              I agree with what you said about astaghfar. I am guilty of not doing it and I need to start and keep it up. My husband isn't religious at all. I hope if only I do it....it will be enough to improve our life. Off course if he practiced it would be better for us but he is stuck in his ways.

              Also I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I did not have kids to get an increase in rizq. The first two were very much planned and wanted. I had them because I wanted children....not because I wanted an increase in rizq. I just so happened to notice that for us...it never brought an increase...perhaps it is on my mind because I know an aunty who always says "children bring rizq" and always points out how her grandkids brought more rizq for their parents. We are the poorest out of all our friends and family. Everyone in our circle is extremely well to do. I never said I wanted a big house. Just a townhouse even would give us a bit more space because we literally have nowhere to put all the stuff in our house. A third kid means finding a spot to put crib and keep all the clothes and toys etc. One extra room (basement) that a townhouse would provide would make a huge difference but we can't even afford it and even if we could my husband doesn't want to take the risk and move now especially since I am not working at the moment. I just find my apartment is so cramped with just two adults and two kids....a third kid will make it more cramped. I hope you are right that this child will bring some sort of blessing in my life that I may not realize what that is just yet. There must be some reason Allah made me conceive even though I am infertile and he knew I did not want anymore kids at all. There must be some wisdom to this I hope. Thank you for all your advice. I will try the astaghfar but my issue is I often don't feel it's coming from the heart. I want it to come deep within the heart and be sincere and Allah knows when you are just going through the motions vs. when it is sincere.

              Comment


              • redvelvet
                redvelvet commented
                Editing a comment
                Often times even namaz can feel like going through the motions, but we can't use that as a reason to stop praying right? So, don't let that thought prevent you. Start the istighfar and recite it even while you are lying down, washing dishes, cooking, cleaning, driving, walking, when you take your kids to the park...recite as you watch them, etc etc. Once you get started, after a while you will get into the rhythm of it. While reciting, try to think of your sins, your mistakes, deliberate, accidental, and that helps with focus (and sincerity) too. Don't think that your recitation won't be enough to change things. That's a thought of mayoosi/despair and such thoughts hold us back.
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