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Nov 1st, 2006 #1
Is intensity of love directly related to how long love lasts in a relationship?
If your relationship starts off with an intense love, chances are (as by what I have seen and heard) the love will probably fizzle out and perhaps even disappear after a period of time. Whereas if you let love develop gradually, it may last longer and even grow stronger.
Romeo & Juliet had a very intense relationship...perhaps partly because it was forbidden. What if their families had eventually accepted....what would have become of their love? They say you never know a person until you live with them....would marriage have caused the demise of their love?
I would like to know .... would you prefer to have experienced intense love in your lifetime...knowing that it will become mediocre (at best) over time....Or would you choose to have a mediocre, but stable love which may grow over time or perhaps it may remain stagnant and boring.
Nov 2nd, 2006 #2
I think the person with whom you spend alot of time becomes some what part of your own self you feel in-complete in the absence of that specific person, I don't know weather you call it love or not, but obviously such relationship is long lasting because we don't give away our basic constituents of ourselfs easily, Thats why we need time when a loved one is gone, We need time to re-define life and ourselves in the absence of such person, i.e. What it would be to live, if i had never to meet that specific person? Thats one reason why it hurts too much.
Last edited by words; Nov 2nd, 2006 at 01:11 PM.regards
A question reveals alot, while asking something.
The most significant thing a question reveals is itself.
Nov 4th, 2006 #3----
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a v. good topic...talk about it, my friend. i hear so well.
i think, the intensity of a relationship is contingent on the face value we receive for our love & the honesty that the other party can indicate in reciprocating that intensity & depth received from or given through our affection, in return.
things are always done by more than one side holding back, or going forward in the hopes of making the relationship reliable, hopefully for the rest of the lives.
infatuations and deceptive relations never ever last and it is very good that they are failed in the process of the make-belief relation building or pretense.
true love comes with time, and at a v e r y slow in its pace.
at times, it can be frustrating or fearful for the cautious lover or beloved, as a subtle ache of losing someone can also make the new relationship feel very uncertain, especially one is even more scared when the other party rescinds back, for what ever reason. it is a test.
& the best thing to do then, is to have faith and become free of any fear that things will go one way or another.
i find that this notion can serve as a 'heal thy self' tonic, sad that one has to learn to be independent of the new found focus of one's life, but maybe that gives comfort to the other, so in that sense it is a noble sacrifice.
not to make this whole thing too sentimental, but it is true that regulation of emotions is a daunting task for the
human heart and psychologically, for the mind, as they are unpredictable & struggle in the love and relationship aspect of the possessor's life, just as they struggle in other aspects of life.
challenging the privilege of having someone who became so close to one's heart is a sore wound, but it does not have to remain that way, especially if things have not come full circle yet.
certainly, personally, a stable love is the way for me to be.
dushiDifference between God and humankind: God can say, 'be', and it becomes, but humankind has to act on what it says.
Nov 4th, 2006 #4----
Originally Posted by aly-sam
I do not believe two people can develope love in a very short time. Love developes over a period of time contingent upon many factors. Not only love, it is true for any relationship and endeavor. Relations that develope gradually, even if two people have different opinions are strong and long lasting. It is just analogous to building strong bases before errecting walls of a home. If the bases are good, the walls stand on them well.
Most of the times, when a relation progresses too fast, important factors are ignored. In case of love developing too fast (What I call infatuation) same happens. Most of the times, the differences are dimmed by the intensity and height of emotions. When faced with practicality, the differences lighten up. There are very few people who are able to keep the emotions aside and look at a relation with sound mind. Most of the times, it is all emotionlaity overriding and clouding the mind of people.
In such matters of "love", parent's opinion matters a lot since they 1) are not thinking emotionally 2) can look at the positives and negatives of two people 3) can evaluate the personalities of two people over a period of time ( extrapoltate the situation in future) and 4) most importantly, parents give an honest opinion to their kids free of any personal interest.
Personally, if a person progresses towards me very quickly, it is a "red flag".A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP (ANY), REQUIRES FALLING IN LOVE MANY TIMES WITH THE SAME PERSON
Nov 6th, 2006 #5
Thank you so much for your well thought out responses and you have taken the mature option. I dont know at what point in your lives you are, but I know I would have given a very different answer at a time well before kids, marriage and coutship.
Lahore....so right when you say....Most of the times, when a relation progresses too fast, important factors are ignored. As well your 4 points are very relevant.
Dushi to quote you...at times, it can be frustrating or fearful for the cautious lover or beloved, as a subtle ache of losing someone can also make the new relationship feel very uncertain, especially one is even more scared when the other party rescinds back, for what ever reason. it is a test.....so true...difficult to excercise caution when you have the fear of losing the person.
Words...I think the person with whom you spend alot of time becomes some what part of your own self you feel in-complete in the absence of that specific person, I don't know weather you call it love or not...I would call this love
I do feel that you can either fall in love instantly with someone or love can develop gradually. In the instant case, I am not talking of lust, but a love whereby the people involved do try and make their love honourable...only difference is that it has developed suddenly. Now here is the problem....I feel love is not enough for any relationship....you need compatibilty, compromise, patience, sense of humour, some financial sability, good family environment, physical health...among other factors. Love itself is present in the instant as well as gradual relationships, but the absence of most of the other factors, it probably will not last. Instant love makes you blind to the fact that the other impotant requirements have not been met...yes one or two may be waived...but most of them should be there. But you will open your eyes at some point when the magic begins to wear off....and how you deal with your relationship will depend on how many of the other requirements you are short of.
Now should there be a mandatory courtship period or engagement period to overcome some of these problems? Yes, it cannot guarantee the success, but give the relationship a better chance.
Nov 9th, 2006 #6----
hmm... well i think it kinda depends if you fall in love with someone you just met and saw for the first time - then lahore i think it is LUST! but i dont think that falling in love too fast is always LUST.
Dushi...i call that the women syndrome! we all do this... i dont care what those radical feminists say.. i think us women we are emotional beings and men are more abot the physical.
here's what i have gathered thus far in life... i think i maybe on to something..or i could be totally wrong. Men are a lot more attracted to women in their physical presence. Women on the other hand since we need emotionl security we have men on our mind regardless of whether they are present before us or not. In any event love/ even liking someone clearly has a bigger toll on women then it does on men! its is more physiologically and phhysically exhausting for us...not to mention society really doesnt help...with its biased expectations of men and women.
Do men ever make women feel completely safe and secure in a relationship? are they capable of that? or are we just eternally inflicted with being insecure? women seem to doubt the safety of their relationship wen the men is thier boyfriend, fiancee' or husband! so is it just those particular guys, is it just a western thing...Or is it us women! are we incapable of feeling secure in our relationships!
Aly-sam u probably know more then me..but i think if there is underlying compatibility, and two ppl realize that either before the whole emotional roller-coaster begins (for instance they know each other as friends/ co-workers or whatever) or if they get to know each other slowly over the course of time, either way if they realize that there is compatibility beyond the emotional/ physical attachment..then i think it should work.
i think we can learn from our parents, as to what makes it work....or in some cases, what makes it not work!
but..and ppl feel free to advise, ... am sorta opposed to this whole idea of leaving it entirely up to your parents to decide. i just dont get it how can i be like....mom do u think i am attracted to this guy. isn't that something i should decide for myself! I am totally all for parental approval! i dont htink they can or should make all! the decisions. if i liked someone i would totally fiht for it, i would make my parents like them too.. which ultimately they will anyway b/c they are more willing to accept my decisions, as they trust me and my abilities.
but who knows, love confounds me!!! sometimes i wonder if its just a made-up so that stuff could be sold!!! i am pretty sure its made-up!!! its not real its a facade and if it isnt made-up then what is it anyway....this lobe where prince charming wisks away the perfect girl...what is it...if life is not perfect then how can love be perfect and if it is then maybe perhaps its not real...?!!!
okay clearly its wayyyyyyy too late and i need sleep
Nov 9th, 2006 #7----
O! and u know what maybe we do learn "love" from our parents. statistics show that if your parents are divorced you are more likely to be divorced/ seperated or whatever. but if your parents are together then you are likely to stay together.
i actually know of ppl who look for this as a primary characteristic in a partner..whether thier parents are togeher or not?! sooo wierd!
Nov 10th, 2006 #8----
Love and relationship are not very related things. You might love someone but you might not keep him as in a relationship. And you might be in a relationship with someone but you might not love him.
I believe, love should always be left to guide itself and it shouldnt be forced to become a relationship. Because in that, love is the loser.
You might want to read this : http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibran2.htmlI am prepared to die, but there is no cause for which I am prepared to kill . . . . M. Gandhi
Nov 11th, 2006 #9Originally Posted by farwah.raza
Yes i too think love developing too fast not always lust. problem is the time is too short to differentiate. you may lose the perfect match thinking hey its going too fast must be lust. so time essential factor for all relationships i think
I thank God for showing me that my parents relationship is so stable and loving...and i do believe that men can make women feel safe and secure...if not completly ... almost completly!
Underlying compatibility...i think covers lot of points. I had mentioned earlier...compatibilty, compromise, patience, sense of humour, some financial stability, good family environment, physical health...among other factors. I have also thought of the right mix of dependance between the two people as well as independance from the two is another factor.
learn from our parents...thats something we rarely hear these days
i think even in their failed or mediocre relationship they have gained some experience. take their opinions seriously. The final decision can be yours, but keep open mind about what they have to say.
love is real farwah...but people experience it differently...some get irrational...others see complete clarity and logic in life...others get depressed...others walk in the clouds....others get angry.and insecure..others feel calm and secure. Open your heart and accept love .... but in doing so dont close your mind!
Sorry no knights in shining armour...closest you will get these days is a burly guy in army uniform wearing a gas mask and rescuing the damsel by (rather uncouthly) shoving her backside into a military chopper. But he may be the one!
Nov 25th, 2006 #10
Romantic love has a lifespan of only 18 months. After that you begin to see your lover as the world sees him, an imperfect huna being sometime more imperfect than other.
Nov 29th, 2006 #11
Interesting topic and very heavy duty arguments.
I am still reading it but let me cross check all your points against the love of mother! you want to try that too?
Nov 29th, 2006 #12Originally Posted by sub_theek_hei
This topic was started off at the aim of discussing love between two adults in a relationship. Mother's love or sibling love I think is a different kind of love...in my opinion...but please do shed some light on the topic. Thanks
Nov 29th, 2006 #13
Ok, my fault I thought topic was intensity of love.
Any ways, I cannot filter kinds of love, for me love burst through the same part of the brain. Love infected people react the same way in all situations. As far as the intensity goes, it can be more or less. Not me but can some one explain different kinds of love. I know different levels but not different forms.
Nov 30th, 2006 #14----
i'd prefer to experience intense love at any given point. doesnt matter if it fizzes out and goes mediocre later.
but i do think some effort on the part of both parties is necessary to keep a lil bit of the sizzle in the relationship. mystery is very important. keep him guessing....surprise him. dont ever expose everything about yourself."Are you Laiiiiike .....Chaaicking me Aoout?"
Nov 30th, 2006 #15----
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love, aly-sam. unfortunately is an illusion. as much as i would want to say that it is very much a reality, it is not. or maybe it is never expressed the way one expects. & that introduces a problem too. i wonder how people bear weak marriages.Difference between God and humankind: God can say, 'be', and it becomes, but humankind has to act on what it says.
Dec 2nd, 2006 #16
Dushi...I do believe love is real...However, when you have the intense love where your mind has no space for any other considerations, then yes you are right love is flimsy and frivolous and appears to be an illusion.
However, if you allow me to take su-thee-hai's concept of motherly love...I get mad at my daughter if she does not clear the table or finish her homework...this becos I am concerned that she should not become lazy and spoilt and not fall back i her school....this concern is driven by love. Similarly, for my husband, certain of my actions would be becos I am concerned for him...once again driven by love.
SO love on its own...doomed to fail and people will think there was never any love in the first place...but if you keep love as the driving force for your actions, you may certainly keep it well alive and strong for years to come...Mashallah, my parents have that quiet kind of strong love....not apparent, but you know its there.
Dec 2nd, 2006 #17----
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exactly so. my Mum does the same to me, even now that i am older, way older, she wants to make sure that i know what responsibility means, so that noone comes around and says that i am uncaring or lazy.
i see what u mean by this "caring" unspoken love of concern about someone she cares for so much - in this case - me.
i guess love = care for 99% of the love.
emotions of warmth and affirmation, are there, once the give and take, learning and teaching between two people, comes full circle.
Originally Posted by aly-samDifference between God and humankind: God can say, 'be', and it becomes, but humankind has to act on what it says.
Dec 3rd, 2006 #18----
Originally Posted by Dushwari
i know i believe in love and i feel intense love for my partner.
i was just talking to someone who had an arranged marriage with someone she hadnt known before, i couldn't understand it at first,how could she live with spmeone whom she didn't know but she told me that their love had developed quickly and that Alhumdulillah they were really happy.
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