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    1. #1

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      DISCLAIMER: This is just an effort to better predict divorce before marriage takes place. I’m only trying to focus on red flags that men should look out for. This is in no way an attempt to put all the blame for divorce on women alone.

      There can be no right or wrong answers here, so no stressing out on that. Feel free to share your opinions.

      Cultural differences seem subtle on the surface but are truly profound as we dive deeper into another culture. For example, views about suicide are quite different in West compared to those in the East. In so many cases where a western person committed suicide due to something that perhaps doesn’t seem to be such a huge deal to me necessitating such a drastic action. Similar seems to be the case for divorce.

      In the small Muslim community where I live, a Pakistani man recently got divorced by his atheist American wife and the judge gave her full custody of their two children along with a huge payment on his credit as a result of a plea bargain over child neglect. He lost his job in all this, his savings are gone and he has literally become a beggar. I don’t want to discuss this case as I don’t know anything more about it.

      I get involved in rishta search from time to time for family/friends from Pakistan and would like to discover factors that can help predict whether a girl raised in the West has a low threshold for seeking divorce in the future. For example, there was some study a while ago saying that hot tempered women are more likely to seek divorce.

      Are there some red flags that indicate that a girl will have low threshold for seeking divorce?

    2. #2

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      You just never know these days do you?

      I think the guy should work on being the best version of himself and do the best he can as a husband, and have good intentions. He should find someone with good values, a similar mindset than his, someone who is respectful and can honour him and together they should be able to have goals that can lead them towards a successful marriage.

      I am a firm believer in what you put out always comes back to you and that can be in different forms. That's not to say all good people have the best marriages and they always work out. Sometimes they don't. But you need to put in your effort and leave the rest to God.

      I think most of the time people are so caught up being worried about what will happen and are so caught up in planning for unfortunate circumstances or "what if" scenarios they miss out on life, its opportunities and don't allow themselves to look at any positives. And I agree, that you have to plan for undesired circumstances and not live obliviously but there should be a balance in trusting yourself/God and being prepared for what can happen. Because what can happen and what will happen has a lot more to do with our intentions, our thoughts and expectations than we think it does!
      “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

    3. #3

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      Quote Originally Posted by decentGuy View Post
      DISCLAIMER: This is just an effort to better predict divorce before marriage takes place. I’m only trying to focus on red flags that men should look out for. This is in no way an attempt to put all the blame for divorce on women alone.

      There can be no right or wrong answers here, so no stressing out on that. Feel free to share your opinions.

      Cultural differences seem subtle on the surface but are truly profound as we dive deeper into another culture. For example, views about suicide are quite different in West compared to those in the East. In so many cases where a western person committed suicide due to something that perhaps doesn’t seem to be such a huge deal to me necessitating such a drastic action. Similar seems to be the case for divorce.

      In the small Muslim community where I live, a Pakistani man recently got divorced by his atheist American wife and the judge gave her full custody of their two children along with a huge payment on his credit as a result of a plea bargain over child neglect. He lost his job in all this, his savings are gone and he has literally become a beggar. I don’t want to discuss this case as I don’t know anything more about it.

      I get involved in rishta search from time to time for family/friends from Pakistan and would like to discover factors that can help predict whether a girl raised in the West has a low threshold for seeking divorce in the future. For example, there was some study a while ago saying that hot tempered women are more likely to seek divorce.

      Are there some red flags that indicate that a girl will have low threshold for seeking divorce?
      Can these be used for finding out how a man would be too? The whole point is if the person is seeking an actual life long relationship or if they are seeking to get something out of it and then a quick divorce.

    4. #4

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      IsaidwhatIsaid's Avatar
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      Similar lifestyle and values reduces the chance of divorce, generally.

      Stark lifestyle differences increases it.
      Last edited by IsaidwhatIsaid; 6 Days Ago at 12:11 PM.

    5. #5

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      I do believe in striving to be the best version and fulfilling one’s various roles including of being a husband as best as they can but this is about predicting when best efforts will still not be good enough after the honeymoon phase is over. This may not be a big problem for a guy who has nothing to lose, but for someone who has lots to lose in case of divorce, sure can give cold feet.

      I guess there are certain things that can be good predictors for both men and women but this thread is regarding predictors about women that can be used before marriage takes place when both families don’t know each other that well.

      Let’s say there is a parking spot available but you’re not sure if it is reserved or not but you park there anyway. Now the whole time while you are away, you’ll be worrying whether you’ll be able to find your car or it would’ve been towed away by the time you return. Same could be the case in marriage, only far more stressful. Let’s say you had an argument in the morning and you went to work, now whole day will be spent worrying whether you’ll find your wife and kids at home after you return or they would be gone leaving behind a court notice. Just as there are predictors about parking spots about which we can be relatively comfortable about, I wonder if there is something to keep an eye on during rishta talk, where nobody wants to bring up the topic of divorce directly.

      There’s so much talk about shared values. But it is so impossible to know what is in other person’s head about divorce. Divorce is a lot like drowning, people assume there will be lots of noise and splashing of water before a person drowns. But the reality is that many drownings are completely silent and others just feets away don’t hear anything if they are not looking.



      Quote Originally Posted by IsaidwhatIsaid View Post
      ...Stark lifestyle differences increases it.
      What would you say about a situation where a guy relatively new in the country, with a good job who pays for everything himself is introduced to a girl who lives with her well-settled parents in their home where parents pay for most of her expenses. Is this a stark difference in lifestyle and can be considered a risk factor that she may seek divorce in the future if they got married? Consider other factors such that she knows many people in the city where she has always lived but for the guy there is nothing special about that city. If he gets a better job in another part of the country in future, he will like to move. In such scenarios having a prediction factor is really helpful whether she will compromise on such stuff or seek divorce.

    6. #6

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      Statiscally people that grew up with divorced parents are likelier to get divorced.

    7. #7

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      That means that ABCDs should have few to zero divorces.
      Say no to 'islamofascism'..

    8. #8

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      Quote Originally Posted by decentGuy View Post
      I do believe in striving to be the best version and fulfilling one’s various roles including of being a husband as best as they can but this is about predicting when best efforts will still not be good enough after the honeymoon phase is over. This may not be a big problem for a guy who has nothing to lose, but for someone who has lots to lose in case of divorce, sure can give cold feet.

      I guess there are certain things that can be good predictors for both men and women but this thread is regarding predictors about women that can be used before marriage takes place when both families don’t know each other that well.

      Let’s say there is a parking spot available but you’re not sure if it is reserved or not but you park there anyway. Now the whole time while you are away, you’ll be worrying whether you’ll be able to find your car or it would’ve been towed away by the time you return. Same could be the case in marriage, only far more stressful. Let’s say you had an argument in the morning and you went to work, now whole day will be spent worrying whether you’ll find your wife and kids at home after you return or they would be gone leaving behind a court notice. Just as there are predictors about parking spots about which we can be relatively comfortable about, I wonder if there is something to keep an eye on during rishta talk, where nobody wants to bring up the topic of divorce directly.

      There’s so much talk about shared values. But it is so impossible to know what is in other person’s head about divorce. Divorce is a lot like drowning, people assume there will be lots of noise and splashing of water before a person drowns. But the reality is that many drownings are completely silent and others just feets away don’t hear anything if they are not looking.





      What would you say about a situation where a guy relatively new in the country, with a good job who pays for everything himself is introduced to a girl who lives with her well-settled parents in their home where parents pay for most of her expenses. Is this a stark difference in lifestyle and can be considered a risk factor that she may seek divorce in the future if they got married? Consider other factors such that she knows many people in the city where she has always lived but for the guy there is nothing special about that city. If he gets a better job in another part of the country in future, he will like to move. In such scenarios having a prediction factor is really helpful whether she will compromise on such stuff or seek divorce.
      Those could be considered stark lifestyle differences depending on many other factors. Of course, her personality will aid in this as well (she could be very patient) but her upbringing can influence her personality. Does she want to settle in the city? Is her support system extremely important to her and she cannot live w/o them? Or is she eager to start anew or is willing to leave them behind?

      Also, "relatively new to the country" and the girl "lives with her well settled parents" stood out to me. Is she someone who was born and/or raised in the country? That could be a huge "lifestyle" difference. I am going to assume that this a western country he moved into from Pakistan (you can correct me). There will be a degree of cultural misunderstandings that could be pretty deep. I'm going to go off of personal experience and say that even the most conservatively brought up Pakistani(or really any recent immigrant group)-American(or whatever western country) will have some kind of culture clash with someone from their motherland.

      Her being with her parents for a long time could be an indicator of her not wanting to live the struggle life, but at the same time if we are talking about conservative desis she might not really have had a choice to actually be independent. Basically, I'm gonna need more info.

    9. #9

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      Reha's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by decentGuy View Post
      DISCLAIMER: This is just an effort to better predict divorce before marriage takes place. I’m only trying to focus on red flags that men should look out for. This is in no way an attempt to put all the blame for divorce on women alone.

      There can be no right or wrong answers here, so no stressing out on that. Feel free to share your opinions.

      Cultural differences seem subtle on the surface but are truly profound as we dive deeper into another culture. For example, views about suicide are quite different in West compared to those in the East. In so many cases where a western person committed suicide due to something that perhaps doesn’t seem to be such a huge deal to me necessitating such a drastic action. Similar seems to be the case for divorce.

      In the small Muslim community where I live, a Pakistani man recently got divorced by his atheist American wife and the judge gave her full custody of their two children along with a huge payment on his credit as a result of a plea bargain over child neglect. He lost his job in all this, his savings are gone and he has literally become a beggar. I don’t want to discuss this case as I don’t know anything more about it.

      I get involved in rishta search from time to time for family/friends from Pakistan and would like to discover factors that can help predict whether a girl raised in the West has a low threshold for seeking divorce in the future. For example, there was some study a while ago saying that hot tempered women are more likely to seek divorce.

      Are there some red flags that indicate that a girl will have low threshold for seeking divorce?
      This post seems strange to me...as if you're trying to identify traits to find out whether a woman would be a carrier of a certain disease. Eliminating all possibilities of a man being the carrier.

      Here's the thing to understand and remember in any western country regarding marriage and divorce: Your potential wife (regardless of upbringing, values, family, personality, education, etc) DOES have options other than marriage. And they're not ugly options either...divorced life is not bad in America. You may choose a woman who seems meek but if you don't pull your weight (i.e. be fair to her, treat her with respect, don't honor her wishes, insult her or her family, etc) you may end up divorced. You HAVE to do your part in marriage and that means cleaning up after yourself, changing those dirty diapers, doing dishes, cooking, etc. At some point in time, someone will snap that meek woman out of survival mode and make her realize she no longer has to do anything she doesn't want to. I am merely stating what I have seen to be true too many times now.

      It is not feminism, liberalism, women empowerment, etc. Its extremely common sense. If a man has a way to live a good life without being oppressed, he will. A woman (being human and all) will do the same. The stigma of divorce still exists but its becoming less and less now as is evident with your post.

      A man's last name and a small space in his home are no longer enough to sustain a marriage. Both sides need to bring more to the table. Our culture now demands a woman be educated, cultured, subservient, sophisticated, strong, etc. Total package. Nothing less with do. Eventually men will have to be the same.

      P.S. - I don't actually mean YOU...just a general you
      Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames. ~ Rumi

    10. #10

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      Oops... I was liking it and clicked dislike by mistake
      Quote Originally Posted by Reha View Post
      This post seems strange to me...as if you're trying to identify traits to find out whether a woman would be a carrier of a certain disease. Eliminating all possibilities of a man being the carrier.

      Here's the thing to understand and remember in any western country regarding marriage and divorce: Your potential wife (regardless of upbringing, values, family, personality, education, etc) DOES have options other than marriage. And they're not ugly options either...divorced life is not bad in America. You may choose a woman who seems meek but if you don't pull your weight (i.e. be fair to her, treat her with respect, don't honor her wishes, insult her or her family, etc) you may end up divorced. You HAVE to do your part in marriage and that means cleaning up after yourself, changing those dirty diapers, doing dishes, cooking, etc. At some point in time, someone will snap that meek woman out of survival mode and make her realize she no longer has to do anything she doesn't want to. I am merely stating what I have seen to be true too many times now.

      It is not feminism, liberalism, women empowerment, etc. Its extremely common sense. If a man has a way to live a good life without being oppressed, he will. A woman (being human and all) will do the same. The stigma of divorce still exists but its becoming less and less now as is evident with your post.

      A man's last name and a small space in his home are no longer enough to sustain a marriage. Both sides need to bring more to the table. Our culture now demands a woman be educated, cultured, subservient, sophisticated, strong, etc. Total package. Nothing less with do. Eventually men will have to be the same.

      P.S. - I don't actually mean YOU...just a general you
      Life Is Too Short To Wake Up With Regrets.Love the people who treat you right & have compassion for the ones who don't.
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    11. #11

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      Quote Originally Posted by Reha View Post
      This post seems strange to me...as if you're trying to identify traits to find out whether a woman would be a carrier of a certain disease. Eliminating all possibilities of a man being the carrier.

      Here's the thing to understand and remember in any western country regarding marriage and divorce: Your potential wife (regardless of upbringing, values, family, personality, education, etc) DOES have options other than marriage. And they're not ugly options either...divorced life is not bad in America. You may choose a woman who seems meek but if you don't pull your weight (i.e. be fair to her, treat her with respect, don't honor her wishes, insult her or her family, etc) you may end up divorced. You HAVE to do your part in marriage and that means cleaning up after yourself, changing those dirty diapers, doing dishes, cooking, etc. At some point in time, someone will snap that meek woman out of survival mode and make her realize she no longer has to do anything she doesn't want to. I am merely stating what I have seen to be true too many times now.

      It is not feminism, liberalism, women empowerment, etc. Its extremely common sense. If a man has a way to live a good life without being oppressed, he will. A woman (being human and all) will do the same. The stigma of divorce still exists but its becoming less and less now as is evident with your post.

      A man's last name and a small space in his home are no longer enough to sustain a marriage. Both sides need to bring more to the table. Our culture now demands a woman be educated, cultured, subservient, sophisticated, strong, etc. Total package. Nothing less with do. Eventually men will have to be the same.

      P.S. - I don't actually mean YOU...just a general you

      Weak pathetic losers need religion to validate themselves, the loser lost custody of his children so the court determined him unfit to be a father, he was charged with neglect so again a loser douche who cant take care of his children and again the losers will find blame with the atheist wife. So if you are a loser and don't deserve respect for who you are, you should find an ultra religious woman who will respect you for what her god told you although IRL you would be determined a loser...So the best way to predict success is if you are weak and have nothing to offer than marry a religious woman who has a duty by God to respect a weak abusive man who is unable to care for her and children.

    12. #12

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      Quote Originally Posted by Reha View Post
      This post seems strange to me...as if you're trying to identify traits to find out whether a woman would be a carrier of a certain disease. Eliminating all possibilities of a man being the carrier.

      Here's the thing to understand and remember in any western country regarding marriage and divorce: Your potential wife (regardless of upbringing, values, family, personality, education, etc) DOES have options other than marriage. And they're not ugly options either...divorced life is not bad in America. You may choose a woman who seems meek but if you don't pull your weight (i.e. be fair to her, treat her with respect, don't honor her wishes, insult her or her family, etc) you may end up divorced. You HAVE to do your part in marriage and that means cleaning up after yourself, changing those dirty diapers, doing dishes, cooking, etc. At some point in time, someone will snap that meek woman out of survival mode and make her realize she no longer has to do anything she doesn't want to. I am merely stating what I have seen to be true too many times now.

      It is not feminism, liberalism, women empowerment, etc. Its extremely common sense. If a man has a way to live a good life without being oppressed, he will. A woman (being human and all) will do the same. The stigma of divorce still exists but its becoming less and less now as is evident with your post.

      A man's last name and a small space in his home are no longer enough to sustain a marriage. Both sides need to bring more to the table. Our culture now demands a woman be educated, cultured, subservient, sophisticated, strong, etc. Total package. Nothing less with do. Eventually men will have to be the same.

      P.S. - I don't actually mean YOU...just a general you
      When evaluating a potential rishta, different people look for different things, it’s their right. As far as attitudes toward divorce are concerned, what harm is it if both sides can try to figure out that in each other beforehand. The problem is, that the rista meetings are so formal and this talk is so dreaded that it is never discussed so I’m trying to understand if there are some polite ways with which we can make a guess about the other party’s views regarding that. I just wanted to focus on such ways for men’s side in this thread. But totally realize that there are similar concerns for a women’s side as well.

    13. #13

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      Quote Originally Posted by decentGuy View Post
      When evaluating a potential rishta, different people look for different things, it’s their right. As far as attitudes toward divorce are concerned, what harm is it if both sides can try to figure out that in each other beforehand. The problem is, that the rista meetings are so formal and this talk is so dreaded that it is never discussed so I’m trying to understand if there are some polite ways with which we can make a guess about the other party’s views regarding that. I just wanted to focus on such ways for men’s side in this thread. But totally realize that there are similar concerns for a women’s side as well.
      Ask her in that case. Rishta meetings are hardly what they used to be and the girl and guy get atleast some chance to interact, for example via the phone. You can ask her what her views are on divorce and what are potential deal-breakers for her. And you can see if they match yours. You will never have 100 percent guarantee, like with anything else in life.

    14. #14

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      I'm just here to agree with @Reha as usual lol
      “our backs tell stories no books have the spine to carry” - Rupi Kaur

    15. #15
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      Quote Originally Posted by Bobby1 View Post
      Weak pathetic losers need religion to validate themselves, the loser lost custody of his children so the court determined him unfit to be a father, he was charged with neglect so again a loser douche who cant take care of his children and again the losers will find blame with the atheist wife. So if you are a loser and don't deserve respect for who you are, you should find an ultra religious woman who will respect you for what her god told you although IRL you would be determined a loser...So the best way to predict success is if you are weak and have nothing to offer than marry a religious woman who has a duty by God to respect a weak abusive man who is unable to care for her and children.
      welcome back
      very happy to see you
      *sorry for off topic post.*
      zoobi doobi

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      Quote Originally Posted by Bobby1 View Post
      Weak pathetic losers need religion to validate themselves, the loser lost custody of his children so the court determined him unfit to be a father, he was charged with neglect so again a loser douche who cant take care of his children and again the losers will find blame with the atheist wife. So if you are a loser and don't deserve respect for who you are, you should find an ultra religious woman who will respect you for what her god told you although IRL you would be determined a loser...So the best way to predict success is if you are weak and have nothing to offer than marry a religious woman who has a duty by God to respect a weak abusive man who is unable to care for her and children.
      What a stupid comment!!
      The Way of those on whom You have bestowed Your Grace, not of those who earned Your Anger, nor of those who went astray. (Al-Fatihah)

    17. #17
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      It is bobby. He has picked his topic to write about, which doesnt correlate much with the thread. Bulldozed satyanaas ahead. #NotGoodBobNotGood
      Simple ain't easy.

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      Quote Originally Posted by decentGuy View Post
      When evaluating a potential rishta, different people look for different things, it’s their right. As far as attitudes toward divorce are concerned, what harm is it if both sides can try to figure out that in each other beforehand. The problem is, that the rista meetings are so formal and this talk is so dreaded that it is never discussed so I’m trying to understand if there are some polite ways with which we can make a guess about the other party’s views regarding that. I just wanted to focus on such ways for men’s side in this thread. But totally realize that there are similar concerns for a women’s side as well.
      Divorce should be discussed. Or at least the deal breakers should be discussed. I don't think anyone goes into a marriage expecting it to end in a divorce.


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