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  • Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
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    1. #37

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      IsaidwhatIsaid's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by decentGuy View Post
      I think it will only upset her and her family. Even if this rishta doesn’t work out, everyone involved wants to remain on good terms with each other.


      Yes, she was born and raised in the US. She is a patient and educated girl. The guy’s side was introduced by another common friend over Skype. Both sides liked each other. The girl’s parents totally like this guy primarily because he is from the same neighbourhood in Pakistan as they themselves grew up in and see a strong connection. So some more friendly group meetings were set up so the guy and the girl can get to know each other more. The difficult thing for the guy’s side(and for others) to interpret is casual statements by the girl on different occasions such as, “I will never leave my parents”, “I will never be the typical wife”, “honeymoon should be at least 1 month long”, “your(the guy’s) parents cannot tell me anything”, etc. Others present tried to discuss this more to get a better understanding and it got super awkward super fast. The honeymoon bit came up after the guy mentioned that he doesn’t want to spend too much on his wedding as he’ll be paying for everything himself. Both have never married before. Also, her mom interrupted her a few times when she starts going into detail about these things. So it’s a lot of guess work at this stage as to what actually is on through this girl’s mind.

      I wonder if whatever she said was mere childish talk on her part or she really meant it. If she really meant it then one will have to think how flexible she’ll be about that and other unforeseeable things. Having difference of opinion is one thing but seeking divorce instead of resolving issues and compromising here and there is quite another. That is the rabbit hole this rishta is going down nowadays.
      I don't think her boundaries and desires are "childish talk" (apart from the honeymoon stuff). She has the right to want to have a connection with parents and not be controlled by in laws. This is just a wake up call for that dude that he should find someone else. Clearly he has an issue with her statements, and she should not be coerced into becoming the """""ideal wife"""" that the guy wants for the sake of a rishta. In fact, like someone else posted, that might be a hint that she doesn't want to get married.

    2. #38

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      Bobby1's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by IsaidwhatIsaid View Post
      I don't think her boundaries and desires are "childish talk" (apart from the honeymoon stuff). She has the right to want to have a connection with parents and not be controlled by in laws. This is just a wake up call for that dude that he should find someone else. Clearly he has an issue with her statements, and she should not be coerced into becoming the """""ideal wife"""" that the guy wants for the sake of a rishta. In fact, like someone else posted, that might be a hint that she doesn't want to get married.

      Sometimes there can be lots of delusions and many people severely miscalculate their value, I came across some young girls who had just moved from Dubai and from their standards and the way girls are pursued there they had fairy tale expectations. They wanted the prince charming who would be handsome, wealthy, wouldn't expect them to cook and clean or have a job. Same goes for guys, I had seen these guys who were fairly weak males, short, rolled shoulders, lack of grooming etc and were acting like they are Gods gift to women. This is why interaction is important so the guys and gals can be realistic in their expectations. The Divorce rate amongst Muslims in America might be approaching 40 percent.

      BTW I had told my wife that these girls will have a hard time finding matches and they are now approaching 40 and single. Although if you are financially and emotionally independent, which they are not then nothing wrong in being single.

    3. #39
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      NomiCA's Avatar
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      Need to ask her point blank straight questions about living with in-laws, typical housewife, honeymoon etc.

      But from the looks of it, run the fk away ASAP!!! She dumb if not nuts....
      Marr te gaye aaN ........per Chassss aaa gai A

    4. #40

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      Quote Originally Posted by Iconoclast View Post
      Every action a person takes, regardless of gender, comes to two basic factors. Disposition and Opportunity.
      Beautifully put.

      Quote Originally Posted by SaeedinPakistan View Post
      . . . She doesn't wanna get married or at least does not want to get married to this guy.
      But then why she just won’t say, ‘no’ and stop wasting everyone’s time? AFAIK, there is no pressure on her regarding this particular rishta. Her parents really like this guy and see a connection with him but have left the choice completely in her hands. Her parents perhaps need to tell her that all those sweet talking fake guys she may have heard about don’t stick around for long.

      Quote Originally Posted by Reha View Post
      Most people do believe divorce is a last resort.
      I would disagree a bit there. Most people may say so, but actual beliefs about divorce are quite diverse.

      Quote Originally Posted by Paheli00 View Post
      ...what kind of wife he wants....for the next 20-30 years
      Of course he cares about the things you mentioned. He wants a wife not a roommate. All the basic things seemed fine in the initial introduction, only then things moved a bit forward but her certain statements have become a bummer. Not in and of itself but the signals it sent. One of his major requirements is, flexibility. Since he’s building his life in a new country, he cannot be sure of things to come in next 20-30 months, let alone 20-30 years. Still things are on going and I don’t want to post any information that could potentially make the people involved personally identifiable. I just hope whatever is best for both, happens.

      Quote Originally Posted by NomiCA View Post
      Need to ask her point blank straight questions . . .
      You are right in that but as I said no one involved wants to upset her or her family and want to keep things pleasant.

    5. #41
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      NomiCA's Avatar
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      Its a matter of whole life........pleasentries not gonna hold up when the **** hits the fan........better safe than sorry......
      Marr te gaye aaN ........per Chassss aaa gai A

    6. #42

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      Quote Originally Posted by decentGuy View Post
      Beautifully put.


      But then why she just won’t say, ‘no’ and stop wasting everyone’s time? AFAIK, there is no pressure on her regarding this particular rishta. Her parents really like this guy and see a connection with him but have left the choice completely in her hands. Her parents perhaps need to tell her that all those sweet talking fake guys she may have heard about don’t stick around for long.


      I would disagree a bit there. Most people may say so, but actual beliefs about divorce are quite diverse.


      Of course he cares about the things you mentioned. He wants a wife not a roommate. All the basic things seemed fine in the initial introduction, only then things moved a bit forward but her certain statements have become a bummer. Not in and of itself but the signals it sent. One of his major requirements is, flexibility. Since he’s building his life in a new country, he cannot be sure of things to come in next 20-30 months, let alone 20-30 years. Still things are on going and I don’t want to post any information that could potentially make the people involved personally identifiable. I just hope whatever is best for both, happens.


      You are right in that but as I said no one involved wants to upset her or her family and want to keep things pleasant.
      These are pretty standard questions, no need to worry that she or her family will get upset. Im sure she would like to get to know you better as well & find out about your views on marriage. Aakhir zindagi bhar ka sawaal hai.

    7. #43

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      Quote Originally Posted by NomiCA View Post
      Its a matter of whole life........pleasentries not gonna hold up when the **** hits the fan........better safe than sorry......
      If for example, he asks her verbally and in confusion of some sort she makes some more off the cuff remarks which puts this guy off even more, it will not serve its purpose. Do you think putting written questions to her and requesting written answers from her would be better so there are no off the cuff remarks? And then base his final decision on those replies.

      Also the thing is, that the guy’s family and the girl’s family like each other on so many levels and want to give this rishta every chance of being successful if that’s best for both. It’s so hard to find right person these days, we just don’t want to lose them due to some misunderstanding.


    8. #44

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      Have the two been able to chat by themselves without any other family involvement?

      If she makes any such uncomfortable remarks, could he just ask her politely right away and say something like "what do you mean by xyz?" That would be the quickest way to get his answers. If he feels that her specific responses make him uncomfortable, he can say "that makes me a bit uncomfortable and I see it abc way"

    9. #45
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      NomiCA's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by decentGuy View Post
      If for example, he asks her verbally and in confusion of some sort she makes some more off the cuff remarks which puts this guy off even more, it will not serve its purpose. Do you think putting written questions to her and requesting written answers from her would be better so there are no off the cuff remarks? And then base his final decision on those replies.

      Also the thing is, that the guy’s family and the girl’s family like each other on so many levels and want to give this rishta every chance of being successful if that’s best for both. It’s so hard to find right person these days, we just don’t want to lose them due to some misunderstanding.

      off the cuff remarks is what the guy wants to clear up.........reality/truth might be inconvenient but it has its benefit...........

      Nope..not written.....that can be rehearsed/worked upon. Direct discussion, like, casual chitchat..not like interrogation....
      Marr te gaye aaN ........per Chassss aaa gai A

    10. #46

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      Reha's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by decentGuy View Post
      I would disagree a bit there. Most people may say so, but actual beliefs about divorce are quite diverse.
      Getting a divorce is wayyyyy easier said than done. It takes a buildup of many issues for one to take such a bold step.

      Quote Originally Posted by decentGuy View Post
      If for example, he asks her verbally and in confusion of some sort she makes some more off the cuff remarks which puts this guy off even more, it will not serve its purpose. Do you think putting written questions to her and requesting written answers from her would be better so there are no off the cuff remarks? And then base his final decision on those replies.

      Also the thing is, that the guy’s family and the girl’s family like each other on so many levels and want to give this rishta every chance of being successful if that’s best for both. It’s so hard to find right person these days, we just don’t want to lose them due to some misunderstanding.
      I think the guy and girl need to talk one on one. He needs to alleviate her fears and she needs to realize he's not about to make her into a maasi.
      Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames. ~ Rumi

    11. #47

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      Quote Originally Posted by Reha View Post
      ...he's not about to make her into a maasi.
      No body becomes a “maasi” or “naukar” by doing their own home’s work. People have their own lifestyles and ways of contribution. Different people show their love differently and want to be loved differently. As long as they are upfront about it before marriage, it’s fine by me. There are lots of non-Muslim married couples in US that are also quite traditional.

    12. #48

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      Reha's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by decentGuy View Post
      No body becomes a “maasi” or “naukar” by doing their own home’s work. People have their own lifestyles and ways of contribution. Different people show their love differently and want to be loved differently. As long as they are upfront about it before marriage, it’s fine by me. There are lots of non-Muslim married couples in US that are also quite traditional.
      So then why is it frowned upon if a man does dishes in traditional families if doing house work is a great thing?

      The issue here is going to be...she will work but that will not be enough of a contribution. He will work but that will be enough. She will resent him because she will stretch herself thin and he will resent her because he will tire of hearing her complain. Her work will never stop and his will as soon as it hits 5 o'clock. You want to be happily married in America? You have to work for it.

      There is no love here yet...this is an arranged marriage.

      And non-Muslim healthy marriages are usually based on appreciation and partnership.
      Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames. ~ Rumi

    13. #49

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      Bobby1's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by decentGuy View Post
      No body becomes a “maasi” or “naukar” by doing their own home’s work. People have their own lifestyles and ways of contribution. Different people show their love differently and want to be loved differently. As long as they are upfront about it before marriage, it’s fine by me. There are lots of non-Muslim married couples in US that are also quite traditional.
      So how did you show your love? There are people who are beating the crap out of their wife and children and mentally and emotionally abusing them and saying that they just love in a different way LMAO!!! people who don't believe in gender equality are not aligned with the values of our society and will never thrive here. In many homes the wife is a 24/7 maid who gets paid nothing, gets emotionally abused and has to have sex with the keeper and thank him for the opportunity to get exploited and abused. Ahhh!!! and children btw you dont ever mention them. So in traditional families who takes care of them?

    14. #50

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      Quote Originally Posted by Reha View Post
      So then why is it frowned upon if a man does dishes in traditional families if doing house work is a great thing?

      The issue here is going to be...she will work but that will not be enough of a contribution. He will work but that will be enough. She will resent him because she will stretch herself thin and he will resent her because he will tire of hearing her complain. Her work will never stop and his will as soon as it hits 5 o'clock. You want to be happily married in America? You have to work for it.

      There is no love here yet...this is an arranged marriage.

      And non-Muslim healthy marriages are usually based on appreciation and partnership.

      I’m not talking about exploiting anyone. I’m just saying that different people have different lifestyles and it is their right. In a formal rishta process both sides do declare their preferences. Sometimes there is a match, sometimes there isn’t. Those who frown upon something, that is their right, and they are also entitled to have their views. For example, some people may think goalkeeper is lesser than striker in a team, they can hold that view. I think both play their own roles as decided at the time of team selection and can step in for one another as need arises. Everyone can live their life the way they deem fit as long as the involved parties have agreed to it in advance. I’m not exactly some social justice warrior and not interested in debates that have been going on since forever and will continue forever.

    15. #51

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      also try to figure out her relationship with her parents. She must have positive relationship with both especially dad.


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