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  • Page 4 of 5 FirstFirst ... 2345 LastLast
    Results 55 to 72 of 75
    1. #55
      Giggity Giggity
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      NomiCA's Avatar
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      he playa
      Marr te gaye aaN ........per Chassss aaa gai A

    2. #56

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      Quote Originally Posted by ayeshasha123 View Post
      Yes, it all really just comes down to our different cultural upbringings. I do understand how during his student years he partied, but when he does come to Pak, he fully forms to our society so it's a strange transition that I see in him.
      No, it's not strange at all. Have you ever heard of the saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do"....? People do manage to make changes to adjust to the environment around them. Again, nothing weird about that.

      Okay, so he attends parties. He has female friends. But by your own own admission, you also have male friends. So, what exactly is the problem? He neither smokes nor drinks. But you are concerned about his partying and his female friends but you haven't explained exactly what bothers you. I feel that you're being vague about it. What are you seeing in his FB pictures? Is his body language a little "too close" or too flirtatious or too intimate with the girls? Or are you worried about the type of company that he keeps in the pictures? Are the girls in the pics scantily dressed? Are the comments on his FB inappropriate? What exactly is the issue that has you so worried enough to create a thread?

      You shouldn't be so shocked that he behaves differently in Pakistan. Zaahir hai, it's a different mahol. But the more worrying thing is that if a person believes that certain lifestyle choices are not right...then they should stop as soon as possible as opposed to setting marriage as a pre-requisite for stopping as that doesn't quite make sense. It's kinda like saying, "Oh I'll stop smoking once I get a wife." It only shows that one doesn't really want to give it up and is looking for a way to delay it...and sometimes the behavior continues even after the pre-requiste condition has been met.

      When this guy tells you that he'll "stop after marriage".......why don't you ask him this question: "If you believe that this lifestyle is not right due to religious reasons or whatever reason, then why wait until marriage to stop? Why is marriage a pre-requisite condition?" And then see what he says.

      You can also ask him what his expectations of a wife are? What is he looking for in a partner? What his life goals are? Ask him how he handles conflicts as they are a part of every relationship. This would provide more insight into whether or not you both are compatible.

    3. #57

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      Quote Originally Posted by redvelvet View Post
      No, it's not strange at all. Have you ever heard of the saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do"....? People do manage to make changes to adjust to the environment around them. Again, nothing weird about that.

      Okay, so he attends parties. He has female friends. But by your own own admission, you also have male friends. So, what exactly is the problem? He neither smokes nor drinks. But you are concerned about his partying and his female friends but you haven't explained exactly what bothers you. I feel that you're being vague about it. What are you seeing in his FB pictures? Is his body language a little "too close" or too flirtatious or too intimate with the girls? Or are you worried about the type of company that he keeps in the pictures? Are the girls in the pics scantily dressed? Are the comments on his FB inappropriate? What exactly is the issue that has you so worried enough to create a thread?

      You shouldn't be so shocked that he behaves differently in Pakistan. Zaahir hai, it's a different mahol. But the more worrying thing is that if a person believes that certain lifestyle choices are not right...then they should stop as soon as possible as opposed to setting marriage as a pre-requisite for stopping as that doesn't quite make sense. It's kinda like saying, "Oh I'll stop smoking once I get a wife." It only shows that one doesn't really want to give it up and is looking for a way to delay it...and sometimes the behavior continues even after the pre-requiste condition has been met.

      When this guy tells you that he'll "stop after marriage".......why don't you ask him this question: "If you believe that this lifestyle is not right due to religious reasons or whatever reason, then why wait until marriage to stop? Why is marriage a pre-requisite condition?" And then see what he says.

      You can also ask him what his expectations of a wife are? What is he looking for in a partner? What his life goals are? Ask him how he handles conflicts as they are a part of every relationship. This would provide more insight into whether or not you both are compatible.
      My apologies about being vague. Yes his pictures are him very close to girls, in an incredibly flirtatious way. And because these pictures are at parties, the girls are only covering like 20% of their bodies or another example is of him in a hot tub with many other women and buying them very expensive gifts. His friends and his company seem like decent people, they are all his friends from medical school, so no funny business there. Yes, I've mentioned I have male friends, but I'd never do something like what he does with them. He says the reason why he doesn't want to stop now is because he is still young, and just wants to live a little before settling down for good.
      And it's not only about his female friends. It's also like I mentioned his spending habits.
      The main quest of this thread was to get first hand experience from Pakistani women who had married a western Pakistani and how they adjusted to the surroundings.

    4. #58

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      Quote Originally Posted by ayeshasha123 View Post
      My apologies about being vague. Yes his pictures are him very close to girls, in an incredibly flirtatious way. And because these pictures are at parties, the girls are only covering like 20% of their bodies or another example is of him in a hot tub with many other women and buying them very expensive gifts. His friends and his company seem like decent people, they are all his friends from medical school, so no funny business there. Yes, I've mentioned I have male friends, but I'd never do something like what he does with them. He says the reason why he doesn't want to stop now is because he is still young, and just wants to live a little before settling down for good.
      And it's not only about his female friends. It's also like I mentioned his spending habits.
      The main quest of this thread was to get first hand experience from Pakistani women who had married a western Pakistani and how they adjusted to the surroundings.

      See...NOW....we all have a better idea about why you are concerned. If you had mentioned the detail about the hot tub earlier.....then perhaps even those people who are encouraging you to marry him...would hesitate a bit.

      Listen to your gut. When it's warning you about something....pay attention. Don't dismiss it. Just because a guy lives abroad and is in the medical profession like you doesn't automatically make it the best rishta. Look at whether or not your moral values are compatible.

      He has admitted to you that he knows fully well that his lifestyle is NOT kosher. Woh is baat ko maan'ta hai. So, if he knows that something is wrong....then he should stop right away....no? What is the sense in continuing something that your own zameer does not agree with until you get a wife? That's like indirectly saying...I don't feel like giving it up yet. And human nature is such that first a person says...yeh kaam ho jaye then I will stop...and then jab woh kaam ho jaata hai...then the person says...nahi bachay ho jayen to then I will stop. So, it's a matter of neeyat...will-power...and self-control, discipline.

      There are people in this world who know that they engage in habits that are not right...and then they might try to compensate for it by doing charity or sadaqa or some other good deed. And it is true that when we commit a gunnah...we should try to follow it up with a good deed....but the condition or sharth...is that gunnah or buri aadat also has to stop.

      It's admirable and commendable that he does charitable works. But that can't be used as compensation for habits that he is currently not only unwilling to drop...but he's also using the reason of "youth" as a way to dismiss it.

    5. #59

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      Quote Originally Posted by redvelvet View Post
      See...NOW....we all have a better idea about why you are concerned. If you had mentioned the detail about the hot tub earlier.....then perhaps even those people who are encouraging you to marry him...would hesitate a bit.

      Listen to your gut. When it's warning you about something....pay attention. Don't dismiss it. Just because a guy lives abroad and is in the medical profession like you doesn't automatically make it the best rishta. Look at whether or not your moral values are compatible.

      He has admitted to you that he knows fully well that his lifestyle is NOT kosher. Woh is baat ko maan'ta hai. So, if he knows that something is wrong....then he should stop right away....no? What is the sense in continuing something that your own zameer does not agree with until you get a wife? That's like indirectly saying...I don't feel like giving it up yet. And human nature is such that first a person says...yeh kaam ho jaye then I will stop...and then jab woh kaam ho jaata hai...then the person says...nahi bachay ho jayen to then I will stop. So, it's a matter of neeyat...will-power...and self-control, discipline.

      There are people in this world who know that they engage in habits that are not right...and then they might try to compensate for it by doing charity or sadaqa or some other good deed. And it is true that when we commit a gunnah...we should try to follow it up with a good deed....but the condition or sharth...is that gunnah or buri aadat also has to stop.

      It's admirable and commendable that he does charitable works. But that can't be used as compensation for habits that he is currently not only unwilling to drop...but he's also using the reason of "youth" as a way to dismiss it.
      Yes, I understand. It's not so much me just rushing it with him, as I know plenty of male doctors here in pakistan too whose families I know very well if I wanted a rishta with them. It's more so the fact that, and as ashamed as I am to admitting it, I just love his personality when I talk to him. I just find him really charming and perhaps that is how I'm becoming blind to all these red flags. I think I should definitely have a serious talk with him yet again.
      I appreciate your help a lot

    6. #60

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      You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
      ربي إنزع من قلبي حب كل شيء لا تحب


    7. #61

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      Reha's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by ayeshasha123 View Post
      My apologies about being vague. Yes his pictures are him very close to girls, in an incredibly flirtatious way. And because these pictures are at parties, the girls are only covering like 20% of their bodies or another example is of him in a hot tub with many other women and buying them very expensive gifts. His friends and his company seem like decent people, they are all his friends from medical school, so no funny business there. Yes, I've mentioned I have male friends, but I'd never do something like what he does with them. He says the reason why he doesn't want to stop now is because he is still young, and just wants to live a little before settling down for good.
      And it's not only about his female friends. It's also like I mentioned his spending habits.
      The main quest of this thread was to get first hand experience from Pakistani women who had married a western Pakistani and how they adjusted to the surroundings.
      Okay so I am born and bred in the US and this sort of thing is not one I'd ignore myself. Hot tub with ladies, doling out expensive gifts to female friends, plastering them on Facebook...while chatting me up as well? What is he, stupid? I'd tell him to find me when he gets p diddy out of his system

      Now that you've painted a more accurate picture, I'd suggest you not get too invested in this. He thinks you're naive and will go along with whatever he does because you're from Pakistan.
      Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames. ~ Rumi

    8. #62

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      Quote Originally Posted by Reha View Post
      Okay so I am born and bred in the US and this sort of thing is not one I'd ignore myself. Hot tub with ladies, doling out expensive gifts to female friends, plastering them on Facebook...while chatting me up as well? What is he, stupid? I'd tell him to find me when he gets p diddy out of his system

      Now that you've painted a more accurate picture, I'd suggest you not get too invested in this. He thinks you're naive and will go along with whatever he does because you're from Pakistan.
      I regret not fully explaining it, those hot tub pictures and gifts were posted before we really started looking each other. Ever since we've had a thing going ~8-9 months, he hasn't posted anything of that nature. More so just him at parties with his friends and other generic things. I feel so ashamed for talking like this about him but I really appreciate your guys help with this situation.

    9. #63

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      NavAhmed's Avatar
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      well this thread just makes me realise I should better give up on marrying a nice girl from Pakistan

    10. #64

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      Quote Originally Posted by ayeshasha123 View Post
      I regret not fully explaining it, those hot tub pictures and gifts were posted before we really started looking each other. Ever since we've had a thing going ~8-9 months, he hasn't posted anything of that nature. More so just him at parties with his friends and other generic things. I feel so ashamed for talking like this about him but I really appreciate your guys help with this situation.
      The fact is..even if he did it before its still in your mind? Thats why you brought it up... He still parties...he might just have just smartened up and not be posting those pics? but instead of more sensible pics...
      omae wa mou shindeiru

    11. #65

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      FreshBakedPi's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by NavAhmed View Post
      well this thread just makes me realise I should better give up on marrying a nice girl from Pakistan

      Awwww ... bless your little besharam soul



      OP you need to have a very frank discussion with him about your expectations before you move forward. Be clear about what behaviours concern you and see how he responds. If you can't be frank with this man then you really shouldn't move ahead with the engagement. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you!
      “our backs tell stories no books have the spine to carry” - Rupi Kaur

    12. #66

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      Quote Originally Posted by ayeshasha123 View Post
      I regret not fully explaining it, those hot tub pictures and gifts were posted before we really started looking each other. Ever since we've had a thing going ~8-9 months, he hasn't posted anything of that nature. More so just him at parties with his friends and other generic things. I feel so ashamed for talking like this about him but I really appreciate your guys help with this situation.
      Okay so again...you have to be clear. You've just added more information to this picture. That he did this in his past. I would not be able to judge accurately because I don't know him personally.

      You have to ask yourself if you're okay with his past and if he has indeed changed. And also, the things you find questionable are things ANY woman (Muslim or non-Muslim, Pakistani or not) would find questionable. So don't doubt your gut instincts because you're not in America. The rules change a little but not by much. Couple who are committed/dating/engaged/married don't do this sort of thing. People flirt, hangout and do all sorts of crazy things...but not people who are in serious relationships or have committed to someone.
      Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames. ~ Rumi

    13. #67

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      aqua70's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by NavAhmed View Post
      well this thread just makes me realise I should better give up on marrying a nice girl from anywhere
      Fixed that for you. Lol
      Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

    14. #68

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      Quote Originally Posted by aqua70 View Post
      Fixed that for you. Lol
      Dude, you don't need me as a life coach, you're already savage
      “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

    15. #69

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    16. #70

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      Quote Originally Posted by NavAhmed View Post
      Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

    17. #71

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      two things that's bothering you are:
      his spending habits
      his lifestyle

      since he is single with no responsibilities on his shoulders, its alright if he spends carelessly. Also, everyone spends according to what they make or get. the terms like too much or expensive are also relative.
      A same item can be considered expensive by you and reasonable to someone else.
      spending habits change according to your stage in life. generally people become careful with their spending once they start a family.
      now coming on your second concern i.e. his lifestyle. I have seen people marrying to each other and living happily, who are from different religions, sects and/or culture. But, in all such cases they are deeply and madly in love with each other. and that is that level of love and the feelings that both willingly and happily accept each other with all the differences and shortcomings. From your post, it is evident that neither of you are at that stage in this relationship and hence in my view it is not realistic to think that one can entirely change himself/herself for the other person or start to happily accept the differences. It just can't happen.
      The different lifestyle is not a small thing when it comes to marriage and if you come across a guy who does't have similar values and lifestyle as yours then i don't think its wise to go ahead.
      I don't think you two are compatible enough for each other, he will not change his lifestyle for you and you will be upset and you will keep on nagging him about it and he will be upset.

    18. #72

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      Looks like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Have fun with the women there and marry a nice shareef girl from back home. Not good, Like Red velvet said he won't want to give up on the fun part after shaadi too if he is not willing to give it up now.


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