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  • Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
    Results 19 to 36 of 46
    1. #19

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      FreshBakedPi's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Xtron View Post
      I have been divorcee guy 3 yrs back. And now re-married 7 months ago here in Canada. Alhamdullilah..my experience in regards to looking for rishtas have been positive. Met great single or divorced potentials...gone through same sort of traditional culture stuff when looking. Finally found one. She never judged me based on my past...so it worked out great.
      It is wonderful to hear a positive experience like yours. Congratulations!
      “our backs tell stories no books have the spine to carry” - Rupi Kaur

    2. #20
      K. in the North..
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      SID_NY's Avatar
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      And I think generally (not always), divorcee men and women iin desi culture end up with the same fate, with the exception of one step only:

      i.e. Divorcee men get rejected AFTER consideration..

      While women with the same status get rejected before..

      To me, it'll take around 10+ years for our people to start taking it NOT as a taboo.


      Quote Originally Posted by Xaos View Post
      From what I have seen
      1. None of the divorced men I know of are taking care of their kids financially nor share custody. Apart from one none of them bothered to even keep in touch with their kids,so it's like they wipe the slate clean and consider themselves in a position to start all over again with zero baggage.

      2. In most of the cases the immediate families of divorced men are supportive of them remarrying and actively look for rishtas. This isn't the case with divorced females where it's assumed they should focus only on raising their kids.

      3. The desi cultures obsession with female virginity! Just because the hymen isn't intact over rides all other good qualities and renders the females as damaged goods. No one thinks of divorced men the same way.

      I live in Pakistan ,things might be different in the west.
      I cant make everyone happy..... I'm not Biryani !!

    3. #21

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      Sahdia77's Avatar
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      There is another problem in our culture, most males want a virgin, that is another reason a divorced female will be looked down upon. Also they fear a female strong enough to leave a nasty husband, if she is the one who left him. They often want someone they can controll and a woman leaving her husband of course can't be controlled. But a female who was left by her husband also has difficulties, then people blame her.

      A lot depends on your family, on family friends, etc. Nowadays a lot is changing. More often than not a divorced female has a second marriage too. I myself am divorced. I was married and divorced young and raised my children alone. I opted to remain single and plan to die single. It's also about what you want and what you need, not just how society feels about you.
      Well . . .

    4. #22

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      FreshBakedPi's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Sahdia77 View Post
      There is another problem in our culture, most males want a virgin, that is another reason a divorced female will be looked down upon. Also they fear a female strong enough to leave a nasty husband, if she is the one who left him. They often want someone they can controll and a woman leaving her husband of course can't be controlled. But a female who was left by her husband also has difficulties, then people blame her.

      A lot depends on your family, on family friends, etc. Nowadays a lot is changing. More often than not a divorced female has a second marriage too. I myself am divorced. I was married and divorced young and raised my children alone. I opted to remain single and plan to die single. It's also about what you want and what you need, not just how society feels about you.



      Right there with you. Particularly the bolded. It doesn't matter that my former husband was my only or that the reasons for divorce were fully valid from religious and societal views.... that scarlet letter remains.
      “our backs tell stories no books have the spine to carry” - Rupi Kaur

    5. #23

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      LP's Avatar
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      I hope you get an amazing husband if you ever wish to marry again.
      Quote Originally Posted by FreshBakedPi View Post


      Right there with you. Particularly the bolded. It doesn't matter that my former husband was my only or that the reasons for divorce were fully valid from religious and societal views.... that scarlet letter remains.

    6. #24

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      Bobby1's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by FreshBakedPi View Post


      Right there with you. Particularly the bolded. It doesn't matter that my former husband was my only or that the reasons for divorce were fully valid from religious and societal views.... that scarlet letter remains.
      Almost all of my kids friends are not with their biological fathers and what I have heard is that the new husband/father is way better than the first. I think we should not think this way. My youngest sis was divorced and her husband is the best husband/father I know. My wife had been in severely abusive situation before and thanks goodness to the beautiful angels in Montreal who surrounded her and protected her from the monsters, a few Jewish girls, she still talks about all the time. None of my nephews take divorce as negative also and my boys also don't take past relationships into the equation.

    7. #25

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      FreshBakedPi's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by LP View Post
      I hope you get an amazing husband if you ever wish to marry again.
      You are just the sweetest.


      Quote Originally Posted by Bobby1 View Post
      Almost all of my kids friends are not with their biological fathers and what I have heard is that the new husband/father is way better than the first. I think we should not think this way. My youngest sis was divorced and her husband is the best husband/father I know. My wife had been in severely abusive situation before and thanks goodness to the beautiful angels in Montreal who surrounded her and protected her from the monsters, a few Jewish girls, she still talks about all the time. None of my nephews take divorce as negative also and my boys also don't take past relationships into the equation.
      I'm so sorry to hear that your wife went through that and glad you found each other. No woman should be made to feel unsafe by someone she trusts.
      “our backs tell stories no books have the spine to carry” - Rupi Kaur

    8. #26
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      kurripunjaban's Avatar
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      My husband and I are both divorcees and I must say our parents didn’t once hold our divorces against us. I think they had one conversation about the reasons behind the divorce when they first met (mainly the mothers to lighten their hearts more than anything) and that was it. Even our families/friends embraced our marriage as if it was our first.

      To be honest when I got divorced I was terrified of having that ‘label’ and ‘stigma’ put on me, but I received a lot of support from friends and family alike. I was very vocal about my divorce and the reasons behind it, always honest about what happened, about how I tried to make it work for so long and what my mistakes were throughout. If anyone ever gave me any nonsense I’d discuss rather than argue, and 9/10 times they’d apologise.

      I think that’s where a lot of women go wrong. They allow themselves to be talked about in a bad light, they don’t talk about what happened so a lot of bad is said about them which makes the process of moving on harder.

      I wonder if when it’s two divorcees it’s an easier process?

    9. #27

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      Quote Originally Posted by kurripunjaban View Post
      My husband and I are both divorcees and I must say our parents didn’t once hold our divorces against us. I think they had one conversation about the reasons behind the divorce when they first met (mainly the mothers to lighten their hearts more than anything) and that was it. Even our families/friends embraced our marriage as if it was our first.

      To be honest when I got divorced I was terrified of having that ‘label’ and ‘stigma’ put on me, but I received a lot of support from friends and family alike. I was very vocal about my divorce and the reasons behind it, always honest about what happened, about how I tried to make it work for so long and what my mistakes were throughout. If anyone ever gave me any nonsense I’d discuss rather than argue, and 9/10 times they’d apologise.

      I think that’s where a lot of women go wrong. They allow themselves to be talked about in a bad light, they don’t talk about what happened so a lot of bad is said about them which makes the process of moving on harder.

      I wonder if when it’s two divorcees it’s an easier process?
      I've never seen or heard desi people say something negative directly to a divorcee, it's always behind her back so how would you know to whom you need to direct your discussion to because they're always "sweetoo sweetoo" in front of her face.

    10. #28

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      Sahdia77's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by kurripunjaban View Post


      I think that’s where a lot of women go wrong. They allow themselves to be talked about in a bad light, they don’t talk about what happened so a lot of bad is said about them which makes the process of moving on harder.
      That is an important point. And another problem in our culture. females often have to remain quiet about what happened to them. It is frowned upon in my family and amonst pakistani family friends whenever a female opens her mouth about her marriage troubles. They say you have to do sabr and remain quiet.

      It's ridiculous how this issue is treated. Especially when females talk about it. I was never allowed to tell people I had left my husband. We would tell people I was just here with his permission. My parents wouldn't allow me to even tell my friends, not even my Dutch or British friends who weren't even from Pakistani origin.

      They say a good woman won't spill the beans. Perhaps it's time to change that.
      Well . . .

    11. #29
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      Quote Originally Posted by fitoor View Post
      I've never seen or heard desi people say something negative directly to a divorcee, it's always behind her back so how would you know to whom you need to direct your discussion to because they're always "sweetoo sweetoo" in front of her face.
      While they’re being ‘sweetoo sweetoo’ they will always add a comment. Something along the lines of ‘well maybe you should have done this’ or ‘well if it was our child we would have done this’. It’s always a backhanded comment, showing concern yet adding their little piece to it too.

      In my situation I didn’t share my issues with anyone until it was needed. I always put on a happy face when I was back in town so my parents/family/friends had no idea how unhappy I was or what I was going through. I guess that’s why a lot of people had questions when it did end. So rather than get upset or angry when people passed comments I just addressed what they were saying with the truth. I’m not one to put a ‘parda’ on, regardless of who it is.
      “Respect is love in plain clothes.” - Frankie Byrne

    12. #30
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      kurripunjaban's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Sahdia77 View Post
      That is an important point. And another problem in our culture. females often have to remain quiet about what happened to them. It is frowned upon in my family and amonst pakistani family friends whenever a female opens her mouth about her marriage troubles. They say you have to do sabr and remain quiet.

      It's ridiculous how this issue is treated. Especially when females talk about it. I was never allowed to tell people I had left my husband. We would tell people I was just here with his permission. My parents wouldn't allow me to even tell my friends, not even my Dutch or British friends who weren't even from Pakistani origin.

      They say a good woman won't spill the beans. Perhaps it's time to change that.
      And that’s exactly why good women suffer needlessly.
      “Respect is love in plain clothes.” - Frankie Byrne

    13. #31

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      Quote Originally Posted by kurripunjaban View Post
      While they’re being ‘sweetoo sweetoo’ they will always add a comment. Something along the lines of ‘well maybe you should have done this’ or ‘well if it was our child we would have done this’. It’s always a backhanded comment, showing concern yet adding their little piece to it too.

      In my situation I didn’t share my issues with anyone until it was needed. I always put on a happy face when I was back in town so my parents/family/friends had no idea how unhappy I was or what I was going through. I guess that’s why a lot of people had questions when it did end. So rather than get upset or angry when people passed comments I just addressed what they were saying with the truth. I’m not one to put a ‘parda’ on, regardless of who it is.
      Well it's good that you were able to explain yourself. My aunt is a staunch believer in "you only get married once" and she says it like we already should know it to be right. A very big gossip so most of her knowledge about people is hearsay rather than the actual truth so she would never talk much directly to a divorcee. She would talk to everybody except her about her.

    14. #32

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      While I acknowledge many women are genuine victims but not all. We’ve all seen cases where the woman or her family demanded complete humiliation and surrender of the husband. If he surrenders, fine. Otherwise they end things and makeup some stories to satisfy their guilty conscience. Some girls are so lacking in wifely qualities that if you ask their own brothers(given they are being honest) about marrying a girl with similar qualities, they would not. This is not some desi vs Western thing, this is universal. Qualities men look for in a girlfriend or short term relationship are very different compared to qualities they look for in a wife.

      I once asked my wife’s brother if he would ever tolerate such disrespect from his wife what her sister dishes out at me and his unequivocal response was, “No”.

    15. #33

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      Marrying the right person is the most important decision of your life, and probably the easiest to go wrong. Marriage is no bed of roses, it takes patience, tolerance, mutual understanding and respect on both sides to make it work.

      Expectation is the root of all heartache.
      Cause I'm the Super Soaker, red white and blew em' all away, With the kisses unclean as the words that you say...

    16. #34

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      Quote Originally Posted by NavAhmed View Post
      Expectation is the root of all heartache.
      True.

    17. #35
      K. in the North..
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      Quote Originally Posted by decentGuy View Post
      While I acknowledge many women are genuine victims but not all.
      .
      .
      Otherwise they end things and makeup some stories to satisfy their guilty conscience.
      These two point

      Absolutely no disrespect to anyone, but Its a norm to put all the blame on men while conveniently ignoring the section of women who lie through their teeth and just dont get exposed cuz either their men put a blind eye on them or slide it under the carpet considering it a moral requirement. Time to talk about the evil in both camps when we agree on gender equality.

      And if someone thinks that there are no such women, they live in lala land.
      I cant make everyone happy..... I'm not Biryani !!

    18. #36

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      Bobby1's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by NavAhmed View Post
      Marrying the right person is the most important decision of your life, and probably the easiest to go wrong. Marriage is no bed of roses, it takes patience, tolerance, mutual understanding and respect on both sides to make it work.

      Expectation is the root of all heartache.
      For this reason the courtships should be fairly long and the old fashioned arranged marriages have a tendency of becoming disasters.


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