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  • Results 1 to 6 of 6
    1. #1

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      My friend called me up a few days ago absolutely sobbing her heart out over the phone. She'd had an argument with her husband over something small but it blew up and he ended up calling her a ***** and f***ing scum. My immediate reaction was to tell her to come over, leave everything. She wouldn't leave and we ended the conversation. Over the next few days she wouldn't answer any of my calls but would reply to messages. I went over to her house but she didn't answer the door. Her car was in the driveway so I know she was home because she has a two year old baby and the carseat was in the car. The pram was in the car too so I'm assuming they were both in the house. Over message she told me that her husband had been increasingly distant with her and cold and acting like he didn't like her. So now she doesn't know what to do. I suggested that she tell her family but she doesn't want to involve them. I know her mum and sisters and they are a loving family. They are very caring and always there to help anyone out. Now she's saying she doesn't want to discuss it again and she's over it but she is obviously not. Apart from breaking down her door I'm not sure what to do. I was tempted to phone the husband but stopped myself. Any advice?

    2. #2

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      Silaaj's Avatar
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      As a friend, I dont think you would have the right to tell her to 'leave everything and come over'. Nor would you have a right to meddle in her personal affairs. My perspective is that friends can be used as sounding boards, and for generic advice....but regardless of how close you are, you cannot suggest life altering decisions. Leave that to her and her family.
      As a friend, just be there for her.
      The Thread Killer!

    3. #3

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      Chaudhry sahab's Avatar
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      ^^ Agree. Fights happen and words are exchanged, but that doenst meant to leave every thing. I would say you leave them to fix their issues on their own. Marital life isnt linear and one solution that may fit one couple wont work for others.

    4. #4

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      How are you supposed to help when you can't get in contact with them? Just leave her to it? And calling your wife a ***** and scum is not a red flag???

    5. #5

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      Quote Originally Posted by Thornewood9 View Post
      How are you supposed to help when you can't get in contact with them? Just leave her to it? And calling your wife a ***** and scum is not a red flag???

      1) I'm not justifying the use of curse words. But just listen to the way people talk in our times, especially the youth...it's in the music, the movies, everywhere. Every other sentence uttered is liberally peppered with the F-word or the B-word, etc etc. Unfortunately, it's become a way of life and people are becoming increasingly numb toward it. For many, this is how they respond during the most minor of tiffs to much bigger conflicts. Yes, it IS bad that your friend's husband cursed her.....it's shameful....and it's especially worrying if he usually doesn't use such language......it's hurtful, for sure.....but it's not the "worst" that can happen, OP.



      2) I agree with the above posters. Next time, don't tell her to drop everything and come over. For all you know, if she were to act upon your advice in front of her husband....it could possibly strain their marriage even more. He might resent her even more for sharing their personal life with others....especially those that are not family. Just the mere act of "walking out"...even temporarily...can be misconstrued or made into a big deal by the other person. Friends do vent to one another and sometimes the other person just needs a sounding board. Not every single rant or vent from a friend necessitates a "drop everything and come over" response.


      3) Just as she was able to pick up the phone and call you....that shows that 1) She is fully capable of reaching out to you or her family or anyone else when she's ready.......2) If she's avoiding your calls and messages then she's sending you a clear sign that she needs space and you should respect her wishes.

      4) Sometimes in life we become so emotionally overwhelmed and caught up in the moment that we rush to vent to someone...and then later on (after things have cooled down) we realize that even that vent-session wasn't necessary and we could have handled the situation differently. For instance, I might get so pissed at a coworker for saying something to me....that I rush to vent to another coworker...and realize later that that wasn't necessary....or that I could have handled things differently. Your friend might have that kind of thought process as well. Maybe she got caught up in the moment when she called you ....but maybe now she wants to be figure out how to deal with this situation in a level-headed way on her own. For all you know, maybe things have calmed down between her and her husband and she may be feeling silly/guilty about calling you and planting a very negative image of her husband in your mind. OR....maybe she's STILL struggling with him but wants to give it some time....or maybe she wants to carefully weigh her options and the potential pros and cons. Whatever it might be that she's thinking or going through.......one thing is clear.....she does not want to involve you and that's why she's not responding to you. So, again, respect her wishes.


      It usually takes two hands to clap. No matter how close you are to your friend and how well you feel you know her.... you will still only know her side of the story. Sometimes people omit the mistakes they've made or the provocations they might have caused before/during a conflict.....when they're venting. So, there can be missing pieces to the puzzle.

      Do not contact her mom and siblings; she can do that on her own. Don't share what she's confided to you with any mutual friends you both might have because people gossip and it spreads. If you're still worried about her.....simply send her a message that you're assuming she's doing better because you haven't heard from her and that you'll be there if she ever needs to talk....wish her well....the end. And then back off. If you have already sent such a message to her....then there's no need to do it again....you've done your part, so just give her space.

    6. #6

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      Cunctator's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by redvelvet View Post
      1) I'm not justifying the use of curse words. But just listen to the way people talk in our times, especially the youth...it's in the music, the movies, everywhere. Every other sentence uttered is liberally peppered with the F-word or the B-word, etc etc. Unfortunately, it's become a way of life and people are becoming increasingly numb toward it. For many, this is how they respond during the most minor of tiffs to much bigger conflicts. Yes, it IS bad that your friend's husband cursed her.....it's shameful....and it's especially worrying if he usually doesn't use such language......it's hurtful, for sure.....but it's not the "worst" that can happen, OP.



      2) I agree with the above posters. Next time, don't tell her to drop everything and come over. For all you know, if she were to act upon your advice in front of her husband....it could possibly strain their marriage even more. He might resent her even more for sharing their personal life with others....especially those that are not family. Just the mere act of "walking out"...even temporarily...can be misconstrued or made into a big deal by the other person. Friends do vent to one another and sometimes the other person just needs a sounding board. Not every single rant or vent from a friend necessitates a "drop everything and come over" response.


      3) Just as she was able to pick up the phone and call you....that shows that 1) She is fully capable of reaching out to you or her family or anyone else when she's ready.......2) If she's avoiding your calls and messages then she's sending you a clear sign that she needs space and you should respect her wishes.

      4) Sometimes in life we become so emotionally overwhelmed and caught up in the moment that we rush to vent to someone...and then later on (after things have cooled down) we realize that even that vent-session wasn't necessary and we could have handled the situation differently. For instance, I might get so pissed at a coworker for saying something to me....that I rush to vent to another coworker...and realize later that that wasn't necessary....or that I could have handled things differently. Your friend might have that kind of thought process as well. Maybe she got caught up in the moment when she called you ....but maybe now she wants to be figure out how to deal with this situation in a level-headed way on her own. For all you know, maybe things have calmed down between her and her husband and she may be feeling silly/guilty about calling you and planting a very negative image of her husband in your mind. OR....maybe she's STILL struggling with him but wants to give it some time....or maybe she wants to carefully weigh her options and the potential pros and cons. Whatever it might be that she's thinking or going through.......one thing is clear.....she does not want to involve you and that's why she's not responding to you. So, again, respect her wishes.


      It usually takes two hands to clap. No matter how close you are to your friend and how well you feel you know her.... you will still only know her side of the story. Sometimes people omit the mistakes they've made or the provocations they might have caused before/during a conflict.....when they're venting. So, there can be missing pieces to the puzzle.

      Do not contact her mom and siblings; she can do that on her own. Don't share what she's confided to you with any mutual friends you both might have because people gossip and it spreads. If you're still worried about her.....simply send her a message that you're assuming she's doing better because you haven't heard from her and that you'll be there if she ever needs to talk....wish her well....the end. And then back off. If you have already sent such a message to her....then there's no need to do it again....you've done your part, so just give her space.
      @redvelvet

      MashAllah, MashAllah how intelligent you are... Very good words of support and encouragement and valuable advice.
      "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power".
      Abraham Lincoln


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